Author Topic: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread  (Read 71021 times)

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #45 on: March 21, 2010, 08:18:04 am »
IF YOU ARE SESATIVE DO NOT READ THISA young lady who was at the back of the queue when the girls muscles were given out read an ad in a glossy mag;Breast enlargement consult Dr Umbuto so she thought I'll give it a go At the consultation after he had waved his wiz stick over them he said "Every morning you must say ubi scobi dobi I want my bigger boobi" Now this worked lovely 38" DD smashing she thought Now one morning she was in such a rush she forgot until she was standing room only on the decker to work Oh! ubi scobi dobi she said and a man sitting against her said I hear you are a patient of Dr Umbuto How ever did you know that she asked Hickory Dickory Dock
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Moregin

  • Joined Oct 2009
  • Grangemouth
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #46 on: March 27, 2010, 11:58:36 am »
Why do Scuba divers fall backwards into the water ??? ??? ???











If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat ;D ;D ;D
Try to be the type of person your dog thinks you are!

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #47 on: March 27, 2010, 03:30:42 pm »
And bump their head.Jackie Little girl very short tounged goes in the pet shop and says Haff you any bunny wabbits. Yef fweetie would you wike a black bunny wabbit a white one or even a nife wild grey wabbit.I don't fink my pet pyfon will care very much.
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Moregin

  • Joined Oct 2009
  • Grangemouth
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #48 on: March 27, 2010, 05:09:30 pm »
Two snowmen in a field and one turns to the other and says.......




.....'Can you smell Carrots?'
Try to be the type of person your dog thinks you are!

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #49 on: March 27, 2010, 07:49:54 pm »
This is incredible.Read all the numbers slowly and in order and be carefull not to miss any!!
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30
 :o
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #50 on: March 27, 2010, 07:51:29 pm »
Tomorrow I will send you the alphabet
It is so easy to amuse old people
 :D ;D ??? :farmer:
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #51 on: March 30, 2010, 12:53:22 pm »
Aaer Cea phlem Silence I kill you he said.This chap was in the jungle and came across this monkey clutching a can opener "You don't need a can opener to get into a banana" "No said the monkey This is for the custard"
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Jackie

  • Joined Nov 2009
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #52 on: March 30, 2010, 03:25:21 pm »
History Lesson.

There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London, which used to have a gallows adjacent to it. Prisoners were taken to the gallows, (after a fair trial of course) to be hung.

The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.

If he said YES, it was referred to as “ONE FOR THE ROAD”

If he declined, that prisoner was “ON THE WAGON”

So there you go..

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were, "Piss Poor", but worse than that, were the really poor folk, who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot, they "Didn’t have a pot to Piss in" & were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain, because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500’s:

Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers, to hide the body odour.

Hence the custom today, of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top, afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt Poor." The wealthy had slate floors, that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh, until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold. (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle, that always hung over the fire. Every day, they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: ''Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old''.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the Bacon." They would cut off a little, to share with guests and would all sit around talking and ''Chew the fat''.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning & death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided, according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''The Upper Crust''.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination, would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road, would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night, (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, ''Saved by the Bell'' or was considered a ''Dead Ringer''

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !


Jackie

  • Joined Nov 2009
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #53 on: March 30, 2010, 03:28:42 pm »
Understanding politics

 little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. 

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the
concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep
Sh*t!

Exactly!  ;D'

« Last Edit: March 30, 2010, 03:30:56 pm by Jackie »

Jackie

  • Joined Nov 2009
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #54 on: March 30, 2010, 03:32:29 pm »
A Wife asks her Husband,
How many Women have you slept with?
Husband proudly replies, Only You, Darling  . . . . 
With all the Others, I was awake!

Hospital Visiting Hours are;
10am - 4pm

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #55 on: March 30, 2010, 06:42:39 pm »
They were in church one Sunday at Evensong when there was a terrific bang and a flash of brilliant blue light and when the smoke cleared Old Nick himself sat upon the alter rail swishing his tail.There was of course a mass exodus for the door bar one chap.The Devil said I expected the Vicar to stay but not you.Why ? Are you not frightened of me? Frightend of you? Why should I be frightened of you I've been married to your piggin sister for the last 40 years
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #56 on: March 30, 2010, 06:57:12 pm »
They have recently done major renovation work at the Hall and Mick the sparks and Eddie the chippy was leaning on the skip when Mick saw this old lamp. Just hold me steady and I'll reach it Ed.Having fished it out he started to rub it to polish it when the Clerk of the Jerks arrived, and there was a blinding green flash and a cloud of smoke which turned into a genie Thank you for releasing me O master I will grant you 3 wishes for this.Is that 1 each said Ed yes if that is your desire.Now Ed what is your wish I would like to have plenty of money and be laying on my yacht in the Carribean Puff and he had gone.Now Mick what is your wish Well I cannot stand the heat so I would like the same but in New Zealand where its cooler Puff and off he went. Now John what would you like John replied Them two idle b'stards back on site doing the work they are being paid for
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #57 on: April 01, 2010, 04:39:25 pm »
I went down to the Soch Office to sign my dog on for any benefits he may be entitled to.At first the woman at the reception counter said Dogs are not eligible for benefit.So I asked to see a supervisor I explained to her and she got out her manual of cans and cannots First I said my dog is black,unemployed.idle,lazy and cannot speak a word of English.He hasn't a clue who is Father is.She looked at her policy book and read up what is needed to qualify .My dog gets his first cheque Friday :farmer:
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Moregin

  • Joined Oct 2009
  • Grangemouth
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #58 on: April 06, 2010, 10:55:51 pm »
I was sitting at the bus stop the other day when this weird bloke came up and whacked me on the legs with a big stck for no reason at all.  Naturally I defended myself and gave him a good thumping.  Just for good measure I kicked his labrador too!!!
Try to be the type of person your dog thinks you are!

Jackie

  • Joined Nov 2009
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #59 on: April 07, 2010, 03:54:15 am »
hehehehe! Wicked person you!  ;D

 

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