[Farmer]

Best yet Rosemary....

Farmer, 

[dixie]

A man walks into a bar and passes a bowl of peanuts on a table. As he passes a voice says "You're a handsome man". Puzzled he goes to the bar and orders a drink. A little later he needs a pee and goes to the toilet. As he walks past a cigarette machine a voice says "My you're an ugly git".

When he gets to the bar he queries his experience with the barman.

The barman says ....
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.
.
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.
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"Sir, the peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order".

[sagehen]

 

[Wizard]

A different humour or is it A few things to do or not to do is that the question
1 Take a sleeping pill and a Laxative before going to bed on the same night
2 Never worry about what other people think they don't do it very often
3 Artificial Intelligence has nothing on natural stupidity
4 My idea of housework is sweep the room with a glance
5 A balanced diet is a chocolate biscuit in the right hand and another in the left
6 It is NOT the jeans thatmakes your bum look fat
7 Never be afraid of trying something new one man built the ARK a large team of Professionals built the Titanic
8 It is far easier to get forgiveness than permission
9 By the time you make ends meet they've moved the ends
  Stay well Eat well and die anyway
The week end starts today!

[Jackie]

WARNING RUDE JOKE, GO NO FURTHER IF YOU GET OFFENDED.



Paddy and his wife had been married for 15 years but Mrs Paddy had never had an org**m so she went to her doctor and explained. The doctor said "You need to get a fan and turn it on during s*x. It will help you relax."

Paddy being a tightwad decided not to spend money on a fan but he asked his best mate to flap a towel over them both during the act.
So next time they got it together Paddys best mate was positioned at the side of the bed to flap away as needed.
Despite the flapping nothing was forthcoming for Mrs Paddy so she said to Paddy "can you and your best mate swop places?" so they did and Mrs Paddy had the best and ONLY org**m.

After which Paddy said "Now thats how you flap a towel mate."

[garden cottage]

Tip for the grand national................creosote................very good over fences

[Wizard]

So simple so good GC I like it

[garden cottage]

my mates missus left him last thursday,she said she was just going out for a pint of milk and never came back. I asked him how he was coping and he said "not to bad, ive been using that powdered stuff"

[sandy]

 

[Jackie]

From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple
who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the
car park.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[sandy]

  Reminds me of some years ago, we were having an extension and I took the bricklayer a cup of tea and he stood drinking it with one leg up on a box :-[and his bits hanging out on one side :-[never said anything to him though!

[Jackie]

Just admiring the view then eh Sandy? 

[sandy]

 

[Wizard]

I've just looked on all three pages and didn't see it but I may have done it else where
Farmer at the Fat Stock Market mobile rings.Looks at it and shouts "What"Ive just run over a pig with the new tractor Dad its laying underneath screaming its head off.What shall I do Dad?Get the bluddi gun and shoot it quick and then get the JCB and bury it behind the drier before anybody sees it.Half hour later the mobile rings again "What shall I do with his radio Dad?"

[sandy]