The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: dixie on February 18, 2010, 02:07:47 pm
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Theres been a couple of jokes here lately so lets have a joke thread, I'll go first!
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent one day but had not phoned in sick . Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '
'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes ,' whispered the child, ' a policeman. '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME . '
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;D ;D ;D
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;)
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Eleven people shared one umbrella,
yet none got wet.
How did they manage?
It wasn't raining. ;D
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what do you do with a rubber trumpet?
join an elastic band
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An old classic ;D
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
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;D ;D ;D
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D...loved it!
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A farmer storms out of the house.jumps in the Land Rover swears because it don't start as usual.Roars away to next door farmers house.Bangs on the door and a 9 year old boy answers .Is your Dad in? No Is your Mam? No she has gone with Dad to the market. Oh said the chap. If you want to borrow a tool I know where they all are I can get it for you. No i don't want to borrow a tool. He stood there mumbling to hisself for a moment then said to the boy Is your Doug here? No he's gone with Mam and Dad to Market.Bloody would have I wanted to talk to them about getting our Mary pregnant. I don't know about that said the boy I know he charges £500 for our champion bull and £50 for the G.O.S Boar but I've no idea about Doug
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No alright then Chap walking past Albion House sees an Afghan chap on a 5th floor balcony shaking a carpet shouts up to him "Wots up Abdul wont it start"
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The same dwarf goes in the cop shop a couple of days later and complains hes been pick pocketed."I don't know how any one could stoop so low"said the desk sergeant
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;D ;D Very good!!
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The Land Rover injection was to cheer up Miri Shes not got the only one thats a bad starter.Its all quiet on that post just now dont know if OH has got it going? :farmer:
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Any way another
THINGS TO DO TODAY
1 Get organized
2 Talk to O H
3 Get reorganized
4 Talk to O H again
5 Abandon the whole idea
6 Talk to myself
Does it work for you? Dont forget if you talk to God .You are praying.If God talks to you You need help ;D
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;D ;D ;D :&>
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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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No? Okay another one then...
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.' :D
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What do you call a sheep with no legs?
(scroll down...)
A cloud.
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So its your 18th birthday next month Davinia and Mummy will take you up to town to buy you a new gown.You must look your best at the coming out ball.The new gown bought Mummy explains to Davinia the way to behave and tells her although she may flirt with a man she must not let him get on top of her or Mummy will worry.So off she goes to the ball and has a terrific time Gerald offers to take her home in his Bentley.Mummy is sat up waiting When the milk lorry arrives to pickup the milk.Davinia swans in Davinia how jolly well dare you its a quarter past five and the milk lorry has been and you have only just come home where have you been? Well Mummy said Davinia I danced all night and sipped champers and kissed with Gerald.When it was time to come home he offered to bring me in his Bentley on the way home we stopped by Old Oak Wood and got in the back and I remembered what you had said Mummy So I got on top and let his Mummy worry
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This always makes me chortle It took ages to learn and I may not have got it 100% right see how it goes
Dear Sir,I write this note to you to inform you of my plight and at the time of writing am not a pretty sight
My body it's all black and blue my face a deathly grey.I write note to tell why Paddy's not in to work today
While working on the 14th floor,bricks I had to clear.To throw them down from off the top seemed a good idea
The Foreman wasn't very pleased he was an awkward sod.He said I had to cart them down the ladder in me hod
Clearing all those bricks by hand it was so very slow.So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job I was too blind to see that a barrel full of building bricks is far heavier than me
So when I untied the rope the barrel fell like lead Clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found that halfway up I met the barrel coming down
The barrel broke my shoulder as to the ground it sped and at the top I reached I banged the pulley with my head
I held on tight though racked with pain and numb with shock from this almighty blow
The barrel spilled out half the bricks fourteen floors below
Now when the bricks from the barrel fell to the floor I then out weighed the barrel and started down to the floor
I held on tightly to the rope as to the ground I flew I landed on the bricks that was scattered all around
I lay upon the deck I thought the worst had passed but when the barrel hit the top the bloody bottom burst
A shower of bricks came raining down I knew I had no hope In all the confusion I let go the bloody rope
The barrel now being heavier started down once more It landed on top of me as I lay on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say That I hope you understand why Paddy's not at work today
I cannot help but chortle every time I think of this and how many folk I know is =
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Anuther then The probably most desireable place to knock off around here is Brocklesby Park so
He goes round the back and there is a row of16 windows on the ground floor He goes and trys one or two and eventually finds one he can lift the sash on and climbs in.Its a dusty old sore room.Sod it I shall have to get to the west wing I think to do any good so down the passage he goes and turns right at the end in the first door Shines his torch round and its full of dinner services and the like.So out he goes and into the next and in there is around the outside is lots of side boards in the side board drawers is all the silver cutlery in the cupboards all the table silver He gets his swag bag and starts to fill it when a voice says Jesus is watching you You can imagine the reaction on recovery he shines the torch round but there is no one there so he continues up 3 units when again Jesus is watching you but this time he thinks it came from over there so he shines his torch there and in an alcove is a African Grey Bloody Hell Jesus you nearly frightened me to death he said to the parrot " Oh no I'm not Jesus I'm Nebacanezza Jesus is that Dam great Rottweiler stood in the only exit door from this room :farmer:
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I was expecting a dwarf joke from Zurich, but that one would do as well ;D Heard of it before but still makes me chuckle ;D
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;D ;D ;D
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How do ya keep an idiot in suspense?
I'll tell ya tomorrow ;D
Guess who x
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the Red Baron ? .....or the other one maybe...?
cheers
Russ
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Read this one recently and it's topical:-
An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the....'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now I ask you,what the **** would you have said?
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;D ;D ;D
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Piglet I'll get you at playtime :-\ :farmer:
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**no offence**
There is a Scots Man an English Man and and Irish Man.
They all board a helicopter for a tour of the country, to see their home towns from above.
They are flying over Glasgow and the Scots man notices his parents house, just to let them know he will be returning home soon, he writes a note, attaches it to a plank of wood, and drops it into his garden.
Soon they are flying over the Lakes, and the English Man, sees his parents house, following the Scots man's lead, he attaches his note to a brick and drops out the helicopter.
Flying over Cork, the Irish mad sees his house, he like the others decides to send a note, he takes things up an notch and writes his note, straps to a bomb and drops it.
[fast forward]
The Scots man is walking up his street, and finds his mother weeping over his fathers dead body.
"Ma, whit happend like?"
"weel ma barin, yer pa was washing the car, and a plank of wood hit him on the head, and he died!!"
[fast forward]
The English man is striding up his lane, and finds his mother weeping over his fathers dead body.
"Mother, what ever is wrong with father?"
"My child, your father was cutting the lawn, and a brick hit him no the head, he died instantly!"
[fast forward]
The Irish man is jigging up his drive, and finds his mother laughing at his fathers dead body lying in a pile of rubble.
"Mother, what ever is wrong with you, dads dead, and you don't seem to care!!"
"It's not that, your dad was washing the windows, he farted and the house blew up!!"
;D ;D ;D ;D
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One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool '
And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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Best yet Rosemary.... ;D
Farmer, :farmer:
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A man walks into a bar and passes a bowl of peanuts on a table. As he passes a voice says "You're a handsome man". Puzzled he goes to the bar and orders a drink. A little later he needs a pee and goes to the toilet. As he walks past a cigarette machine a voice says "My you're an ugly git".
When he gets to the bar he queries his experience with the barman.
The barman says ....
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.
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.
.
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"Sir, the peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order".
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;D ;D ;D
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A different humour or is it A few things to do or not to do is that the question
1 Take a sleeping pill and a Laxative before going to bed on the same night
2 Never worry about what other people think they don't do it very often
3 Artificial Intelligence has nothing on natural stupidity
4 My idea of housework is sweep the room with a glance
5 A balanced diet is a chocolate biscuit in the right hand and another in the left
6 It is NOT the jeans thatmakes your bum look fat
7 Never be afraid of trying something new one man built the ARK a large team of Professionals built the Titanic
8 It is far easier to get forgiveness than permission
9 By the time you make ends meet they've moved the ends
Stay well Eat well and die anyway
The week end starts today! :D ::) :farmer:
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WARNING RUDE JOKE, GO NO FURTHER IF YOU GET OFFENDED.
Paddy and his wife had been married for 15 years but Mrs Paddy had never had an org**m so she went to her doctor and explained. The doctor said "You need to get a fan and turn it on during s*x. It will help you relax."
Paddy being a tightwad decided not to spend money on a fan but he asked his best mate to flap a towel over them both during the act.
So next time they got it together Paddys best mate was positioned at the side of the bed to flap away as needed.
Despite the flapping nothing was forthcoming for Mrs Paddy so she said to Paddy "can you and your best mate swop places?" so they did and Mrs Paddy had the best and ONLY org**m.
After which Paddy said "Now thats how you flap a towel mate."
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Tip for the grand national................creosote................very good over fences
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So simple so good GC I like it ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :farmer:
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my mates missus left him last thursday,she said she was just going out for a pint of milk and never came back. I asked him how he was coping and he said "not to bad, ive been using that powdered stuff"
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;D ;D ;D
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From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple
who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the
car park.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the
car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under
the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward,
quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into
place.
On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found
herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.
The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
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;D ;D Reminds me of some years ago, we were having an extension and I took the bricklayer a cup of tea and he stood drinking it with one leg up on a box :-[and his bits hanging out on one side :-[never said anything to him :-[ though!
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Just admiring the view then eh Sandy? ;)
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::) :-[
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I've just looked on all three pages and didn't see it but I may have done it else where
Farmer at the Fat Stock Market mobile rings.Looks at it and shouts "What"Ive just run over a pig with the new tractor Dad its laying underneath screaming its head off.What shall I do Dad?Get the bluddi gun and shoot it quick and then get the JCB and bury it behind the drier before anybody sees it.Half hour later the mobile rings again "What shall I do with his radio Dad?"
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;D ;D ;D
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IF YOU ARE SESATIVE DO NOT READ THISA young lady who was at the back of the queue when the girls muscles were given out read an ad in a glossy mag;Breast enlargement consult Dr Umbuto so she thought I'll give it a go At the consultation after he had waved his wiz stick over them he said "Every morning you must say ubi scobi dobi I want my bigger boobi" Now this worked lovely 38" DD smashing she thought Now one morning she was in such a rush she forgot until she was standing room only on the decker to work Oh! ubi scobi dobi she said and a man sitting against her said I hear you are a patient of Dr Umbuto How ever did you know that she asked Hickory Dickory Dock
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Why do Scuba divers fall backwards into the water ??? ??? ???
If they fell forwards they would still be in the boat ;D ;D ;D
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And bump their head.Jackie Little girl very short tounged goes in the pet shop and says Haff you any bunny wabbits. Yef fweetie would you wike a black bunny wabbit a white one or even a nife wild grey wabbit.I don't fink my pet pyfon will care very much.
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Two snowmen in a field and one turns to the other and says.......
.....'Can you smell Carrots?'
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This is incredible.Read all the numbers slowly and in order and be carefull not to miss any!!
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30
:o
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Tomorrow I will send you the alphabet
It is so easy to amuse old people
:D ;D ??? :farmer:
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Aaer Cea phlem Silence I kill you he said.This chap was in the jungle and came across this monkey clutching a can opener "You don't need a can opener to get into a banana" "No said the monkey This is for the custard"
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History Lesson.
There is an old Hotel/Pub in Marble Arch, London, which used to have a gallows adjacent to it. Prisoners were taken to the gallows, (after a fair trial of course) to be hung.
The horse drawn dray, carting the prisoner, was accompanied by an armed guard, who would stop the dray outside the pub and ask the prisoner if he would like ''ONE LAST DRINK''.
If he said YES, it was referred to as “ONE FOR THE ROAD”
If he declined, that prisoner was “ON THE WAGON”
So there you go..
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were, "Piss Poor", but worse than that, were the really poor folk, who couldn’t even afford to buy a pot, they "Didn’t have a pot to Piss in" & were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain, because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
Here are some facts about the 1500’s:
Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers, to hide the body odour.
Hence the custom today, of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs, thick straw piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom, where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top, afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt Poor." The wealthy had slate floors, that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh, until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold. (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle, that always hung over the fire. Every day, they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme: ''Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot, nine days old''.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon, to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "Bring home the Bacon." They would cut off a little, to share with guests and would all sit around talking and ''Chew the fat''.
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning & death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided, according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or ''The Upper Crust''.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination, would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road, would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of ''Holding a Wake''.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night, (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, ''Saved by the Bell'' or was considered a ''Dead Ringer''
And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
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Understanding politics
little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the
concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
about.'
The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep
Sh*t!
Exactly! ;D'
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A Wife asks her Husband,
How many Women have you slept with?
Husband proudly replies, Only You, Darling . . . .
With all the Others, I was awake!
Hospital Visiting Hours are;
10am - 4pm
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They were in church one Sunday at Evensong when there was a terrific bang and a flash of brilliant blue light and when the smoke cleared Old Nick himself sat upon the alter rail swishing his tail.There was of course a mass exodus for the door bar one chap.The Devil said I expected the Vicar to stay but not you.Why ? Are you not frightened of me? Frightend of you? Why should I be frightened of you I've been married to your piggin sister for the last 40 years
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They have recently done major renovation work at the Hall and Mick the sparks and Eddie the chippy was leaning on the skip when Mick saw this old lamp. Just hold me steady and I'll reach it Ed.Having fished it out he started to rub it to polish it when the Clerk of the Jerks arrived, and there was a blinding green flash and a cloud of smoke which turned into a genie Thank you for releasing me O master I will grant you 3 wishes for this.Is that 1 each said Ed yes if that is your desire.Now Ed what is your wish I would like to have plenty of money and be laying on my yacht in the Carribean Puff and he had gone.Now Mick what is your wish Well I cannot stand the heat so I would like the same but in New Zealand where its cooler Puff and off he went. Now John what would you like John replied Them two idle b'stards back on site doing the work they are being paid for
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I went down to the Soch Office to sign my dog on for any benefits he may be entitled to.At first the woman at the reception counter said Dogs are not eligible for benefit.So I asked to see a supervisor I explained to her and she got out her manual of cans and cannots First I said my dog is black,unemployed.idle,lazy and cannot speak a word of English.He hasn't a clue who is Father is.She looked at her policy book and read up what is needed to qualify .My dog gets his first cheque Friday :farmer:
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I was sitting at the bus stop the other day when this weird bloke came up and whacked me on the legs with a big stck for no reason at all. Naturally I defended myself and gave him a good thumping. Just for good measure I kicked his labrador too!!!
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hehehehe! Wicked person you! ;D
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Since it was Good Friday the cheque must have been delayed?
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An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice
anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'
'Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.
-
;D ;D
-
A 90 year old lady was in court for murder.Prosecuting council (PC) Old Lady (OL)
PC and where were you when the alledged offence happened?
OL I was sitting in my rocking bench out on my front porch enjoying a drink before retiring
PC What happened then?
OL He came up to me and sat at my side on the veranda and started to stroke my breasts and kiss me
PC didn't you stop him?
OL Hell no It's 40 years since any man did that to me
PC What happened then?
OL He put his hand up under my skirt and caressed my thigh
PC So what did you do then surely you attempted to stop him
OL Heavens no I jumped up took down my drawers and said Take me Take me
PC So then what happened?
OL Well he jumped up laughing and said April Fool you silly old crone and thats when I shot the B's tard
-
If we have a hung parliament who do we start with?
-
Gordon Brown followed by Alistair Darling
-
** No offence Intended**
An Englishman, Scotsman & Irishman all with stutters go in to a pub where there is the most gorgeous bamaid they have seen. EnglishMan says 'I'll get this round' and starts to ' thr-thr-thre-thre-thre-three p-p-p-p-pi' the Scotman stands in and sayst o the barmaid 'C-c-c-c-can we have thre-three pi-pi-pi-pints o-o-o-o-of' at which point the Irishman steps in and says 'V-v-very s-s-s-sorry but -c-c-can we ha-ha-have three pint o-o-o-o-o-of' at which point the barmaid says 'right the first one of you that can tell me where you live without stuttering I will take upstairs and give you the best bl*w j*b ever'. Englishman steps up and says 'Man -ch-ch-ch-chester' Barmaid says 'sorry love you stuttered' Scotsman says 'Edinbur-r-r-r-r-g-g-g-g--g--gh. Barmaid says 'sorry love you stuttered too' Irishman steps up and says 'London' to which the whole pub cheer and true to her word the barmaid take him upstairs where he gets what is the best bl*w j*b ever, on returning to the bar he turns to the barmaid and says 'D-d-d-d-d-d-erry'
And why should women only dress in white? - so they match other domestic appliances :D :D :D
Laughing as im typing.
-
whats the difference between Cheryl Cole and an Icelandic volcano?
the volcano is still blowing Ash :o ;) ;) ;)
-
and the bets of all:
Mans walks into a bar................. Ouch!!
Why did the monkey fall from a tree?....................... Because it was dead ;D
-
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an Agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of Virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the Increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad! We don't ask for much In return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
"Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins In the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up!."
Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway".
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to Paradise.
;D
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lmao very, very funny and duly passed on to friends ;D ;D
-
lmao very, very funny and duly passed on to friends ;D ;D
Im here all week................ ;D
-
More! more! *clap, clap clap* ;D ;D
-
Im not sure I know any more Clean ones :-[
-
well lets have some unclean ones then ;D :farmer:
-
If I get told off Im blaming you buddy....... ;)
-
You might as well every one else does you ask Dixie or anne 22
-
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say,
'Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,
'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots,
Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house,
And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .
That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked,
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'
-
DM I'll take the blame for that ;D ;D ;D :farmer:
-
Good man....and this one?
Little boy walks in on his mummy and daddy having sex, lad says "mummy, daddy, what are you doing?" dad replies "making you a little brother or sister", the lad rocks on his heels and thinks for a moment then says to his dad "do it doggy style, I want a puppy!"
Im gonna get banned....... :o
-
I dont mind the rude jokes but Ive heard those. ;)
-
Sorry........Im a failure.......
Better go for a shower now ;D
-
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and gently explained, "I've got some bad news. You have an aggressive cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order..."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
How a woman puts her affairs in order.
"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, "I've been diagnosed with terminal AIDS ." The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Mother, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"
"Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone
-
;D ;D ;D
-
Three women die together in an accident
And go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven:
Don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
There are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And although they try their best to avoid them,
The first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day,
The second woman steps accidentally on a duck
And along comes St. Peter,
Who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together
With the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and,
Not wanting to be chained
For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,
VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months
Without stepping on any ducks,
But
One day St.Peter comes up to her
With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being
Chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,
'I don't know about you,
But I stepped on a
Duck
-
Cruel, very cruel. hehehehe! ;D
-
So the bell donged and Peter answered the Pearly Gates Bell.Outside were 40 Travellers complete kit Tranny vans caravans dogs the whole caboodle.How many of you are there?40 Mister.Wait here I will check if you can come in.He goes into the office and rings God .I have 40 Travellers wanting to come in shall I let them in ?40 exclaims God.We have our allocation of Pikey's this month.Tell them to choose among themselves but you can only admit 20.Peter returns to tell them and then he returns to the office and rings God back.Now what? They've gone God.What all 40 of them?No the Pearly Gates.
-
What has has clint eastwood and Anal Sex got in common with each other?
One will make your day
the other will make your hole week
(think about it) ;D
-
Right DM So he was sitting in comfy reading his paper when she returned "Where have you been while now "He asked I ran out of petrol she replied It must have run out when it turned over!
-
This 5 year old was riding in the front of the car when this VW convertible with the hood down tears past and a nubile young woman with no clothes on stands up and waves at them.Look Daddy that lady isn't wearing her seat belt
-
One more then I'm off to Louth.Little six year old boy enters the ladies locker room at the gym.Loud shrieks and screams and searching for towels .Whats up haven't you seen a little boy before?
-
Rod Stewart, Madonna & Elton John are walking through Regents Park when Madonna slips on a dog turd and ends up with her head stuck between the railings, the other two quickly phone the fire brigade to come and resuce her, but the sight of Madonnas bottom becomes too much for Rod and he looks around goes off to Madonna and gives her a good shagging, when finished he turns to Elton John and says 'go on why dont you have a go?' Elton looks and says 'no, dont think i coiuld get my head between the railings'
:o
-
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill and the barber replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm
doing community service this week." The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber
again replied, "I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this
week." The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, "I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week." The M.P. was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen M.P.s
lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens
of our country and the politicians who run it.
-
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
-
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
-
;D ;D ;D
-
Am back £75 lighter for 2 rubber bushes that hold the axle up to the sub frame Bluddi cars Miri they are as bad as Land Rovers ???
-
Agnes the local church gossips Lays into Frank and told every one he was a drunkard.How do you make that out? Well he was to drunk to drive home last night and left his truck in the Kings Head yard.Now this came back to Frank and he thought I'll get her back for this.So that night after dark he quietly parked his truck outside Agnes cottage and walked home!
-
The boy arrived late for afternoon class and the teacher bawled him out "where have you been?"Up Penny Lane Sir at that another boy came in and was asked where were you then? Up Penny Lane Sir and yet another lad came in with the same story.Sir just started to remonstrate with the boys when in came a lass "Don't dare tell me you have been up Penny Lane as well" Oh no Sir I am Penny Lane 8)
-
Mrs Seamus is teaching her class of 6 yr olds in sunnny Ireland and asks who knows the meaning of the word contagious, Paddy junior puts his hand up and says 'my cousin has chicken pox and mum says it is contagious' ' well done' replies Mrs Seamus at which point Mick Junior puts his hand up and says ' Shaun next door is painting the outside of his house with a 1 inch brush and my pa says it will take the 'cont ages'' :o ;D
-
Mornin WP Slight variation on the theme.The little boy told teacher "My Dad said the man next door has just had six meters of ready mix shot in his drive way and it'll take that contagious to shift that lot
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The dizzy blond goes jumping up and down screaming with delight The boy friend gets up and jumps up and down with her What's all the excitement Marilyn.Well I was in Boots this morning and they had pregnancy test kits in twin packs.I did a test positive so I did one with the other and it's positive Isn't it great we are going to have TWINS
-
What do you call a blond with a brain?.................................Labrador :o
-
:) :) :)
-
Why do blondes wear knickers................no no no too rude :P
-
Oh come on!! you cant leave a cliffhanger DM
-
If you are sensitive DO NOT READ THIS Mick goes in the Precinct and in M&S window a sign SALE NOW ON and there are some Silver Wellies Just what I need they will all know I'm the foreman in them.In he goes have you got them silver wellies in size 12 lass.I'll look Sir .She comes back last pair sir.I'll try them on and a perfect fit.I'll take them please,but before I do can you put a mark on each so I know what foot I've got them on.Oh I don't know I'll have a look in the stock room The only thing there was the whitening used to write on the window with.Will this do she asks and puts a r on the right one and j on the left one Billiant lass here you are keep the change for doing such a good job.On arriving home he calls the Mrs What do you think of this then.Whats the walking sticks for? What walking sticks?Them on your wellies .Don't be silly lass thats r for right foot and for left foot.Ah Thats clever isn't it,thats what C&A will mean on my knickers isn't it?
-
;D ;D ;D My children never forgave me for wrighting R and L on thier trainers and thier names in thier shell suits..they all ran and swum for the county, Leicestershire!!!!!
-
Yes sandy It's funny how a grown chap or woman wants their name on their kit yet a child thinks its sissy.Ours were just the same .As Sean said one day.If someone steals my trainers while I am at PT they will steal my name as well Mam They wont take the trainers and leave my name in the locker.Now that is reasoning for a 9 year old :o ;D :farmer:
-
So a bus full of them Wild Indians went down to London to sing "And did those feet in ancient times" and spent a pleasant time.When they came out Alice said to Janet and Margaret Lets go down Soho I've never been down Soho .So off they went looking in all the shop windows and getting very excited in wonderment Hey look at these a pair of those one on each end of the mantel shelf would be different they would look great Just like my Iain when we got wed all those years ago. I like that fluorescent green colour .No Margaret the pink ones is nicer.Lets go in and see how much they are.So in they went and made some enquiries and sought a price.Well I want the green said Margaret and I'm having the pink said Alice.I'm having the Tartan one over there said Janet.You're bluddi not said the man thats my flask of tea
-
My mate at work was boasting about bedding a pair of twins the other night.
I asked him how he could tell them apart.
"Easy" he said "Sarah has long blonde hair and Derek has a moustache"!!!
-
Hey up Moregin .Is that what could be called AMBIDEXTEROUS? ;D :farmer:
-
It's a bit early for Iceland jokes we will have to wait for the dust to settle :wave: :farmer:
-
The President of Iceland is reputed to have said He wanted his ash spread over Europe ! :farmer:
-
A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away, brother. Our prayers have been answered!"
-
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
-
Q: what do you get if you have sex with a vertically challenged person with a social disease?
A: Smallpox
-
Cannot remember if I have posted this If I have let me off its me age you know combined wi me Alcymers
This rather distinguished lady some what like Maureen Goes into the chemists and asks the pharmacist for some cyanide.For what purpose do you wish to purchase cyanide modum?I want to poison my husband she replied.The pharmacists eyes grew big and he explained Lord have mercy you cannot do that for one thing its illegal for me to supply you with cyanide It's against the law to kill even a wandering husband NO NO NO you cannot have any cyanide.They would put us both in goal.The lady opened her handbag and drew out an envelope from which she took out a photograph and handed it to the pharmacist It depicted his wife in bed with her husband.He said Why didn't you show me This prescription first
-
A chap goes to see his 85 year old Dad in the DPWH How do you feel Dad he asked what's the Food like Absolutely first class What is the care like Even better do you know at 10 O'clock pm they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra Pill .When he left he called at the nurses station and asked the sister whats this about giving my Dad Viagra at his time of life.Is it true.Oh yes replied the Ward Sister The cocoa puts him to sleep fine and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed!
-
;D ;D ;D
-
Some Iceland jokes now the dust is settlin
I hear the U.S.is to declare war on Iceland apparently the U.S. is accusing them of having weapons of Ash Eruption
Waiter I say theres volcanic ash in my soup I know Sir This is a no fly zone
I came out the house this morning and started across to the car and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen sausages a nother of peas and yet more a bag of frozen chips.I realised it was fall out from Iceland
Whatever next Volcano's in Iceland will it be Earthquakes in ASDA
Jack called this morning and said round his every thing was covered in ash and stunk of sulphur Mind you its much the same I've been married to the useless slut for the past 20 year
-
When I was a child my fairy godmother asked if I would want a long willie or a long memory.........
Buggered if I can remeber what i asked for now ;)
-
So you replied yes please ;D :farmer:
-
Went to an old school disco the other night and was great fun, DJ played Sit Down and we all sat down that he played Jump Around and yep we all jumped around, finally he played Come On Eileen and i got chucked out :o :o
-
W P I bet you asked for it wiout opening you mouth ;D ;D ;D :farmer:
-
I came out the house this morning and started across to the car and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen sausages a nother of peas and yet more a bag of frozen chips.I realised it was fall out from Iceland
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
-
It,s hapening at your place as well is it C S?
-
Anyway whats the difference b/twix a Chelsea Tractor and a hedgehog? ??? :farmer:
The pricks are on the outside on a hedgehog
-
They're at it agen Under a new EU directive "Pykies and Gypos" are no longer to be refered as such the new PC wording is Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers or C.*.*.*.s for short
-
A woman goes to her dentist in Glasgow and sits in the chair.
"Comfy?" enquires the solicitous dentist.
"Govan" replies the patient.......
A man goes into a telephone box in Glasgow. He can't get it to work so dials the operator. "Is there money in?" asks the operator.
"No, ah'm just masel."
What do you call a pigeon in Aviemore? A ski-in doo.
Herd of cows in a field - how can you tell which one's on holiday? It's the one with the wee calf.
Three jobbies lying on the pavement. Which one is the musketeer? The dark tan yin.
Wee boy goes into a baker and points to the window display. "Is that a cake or a meringue?"
"No, you're right, it's a cake."
Man goes into a butcher. "Have you any Scotch lamb?"
"No" replies the butcher. "Why - are you going to eat it or talk to it?"
"Well never mind" says the customer. "Do you have any wild duck?"
"No" says the butcher "But I have one here I could aggravate for you."
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I haven't looked at this for ages. I was crying with laughter. Dangermouse, you should be on the telly
-
Why doesn't jesus like to eat M&Ms?
They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
What's the difference between a laywer and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
What's one of the pros of marrying a mexican?
Unlimited supply of natural gas
What do you call an anorexic with yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with cheese.
A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties.
An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"
-
Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket.
Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car.
As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.
The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.
On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time.
Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other.
Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!"
When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.
-
Vair was it the same lass That was down here and had to go to one as an emergency case. He leaned the chair back and as the chair went back the lass's hand came up and grabbed the dentist by the unmentionables and said "We are not going to hurt one another are we?"
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Just had a cracking Email with a picture but I cannot show you because I don't know how, but heres the words
Su Wong marries Lee Wong
Next year Su has a new baby The Nurse brings out the baby for Lee to see.
Congratulations Is he a lovely baby What are you going to name baby?
The puzzled Father looks at the baby and definitely the Baby is WHITE Caucasian
Well he thinks two wongs don't make a wight.So I shall call him.SUM TING WONG ??? :farmer:
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Alright then Musta bin a GRUDGE baby? ??? ;D ;D :farmer:
-
;D ;D ;D
-
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?
Doug
What do you call a man with a trowel in his head?
Dougless
-
Julie I still enjoy sex at 73 I live at 75 :farmer:
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The Health Inspector calls on a snap visit at a local hotel and on entering the kitchen the chef is making pastry.After rolling it out he spits his top teeth out and starts to make tarts to put in the tins .The dirty devil cannot do that the inspector said to a kitchen maid its unhygienic.Cor you should see him make Brandy Snaps ::) :farmer:
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:D :D :D
-
So this chap and his small son on the way home from the match pops in Starbuck's for a coffee and cake .He sits the boy down at a table and gives him 3 10p coins to play with while he gets the drinks.Suddenly there is a loud coughing and realising the boy had swallowed the coins rushes over to the table grabs the boy and slaps him on his back Up comes 2 of the 3 but the boy continues to cough and starts to turn blue in the face.A rather smartly dressed woman sitting at the bar puts down her coffee and folding her paper stands up and walks over to the boy picking him up and standing him on the table Pulls down his shorts an grasped his testicles and commenced to squeeze them gently at first Then increases the pressure until the boy convulses and spits out the other coin which she deftly catches in her left hand.She gives the coin to the Father turns on her heel and goes back to her coffee and paper without saying a word.After making sure the boy was OK he went over to the woman and said I have never seen anything like that being done before.Are you a Doctor.No she replied I'm with Inland Revenue! :farmer:
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;D ;D
-
What do you call a man with leaves on his head?
Russell
-
what do you call 2 afghan homosexuals.............. Ramit & Jamit
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I know it wasn't a joke but it made Kath and I laugh also the shepherd"Toby told his Mum "they have been peeled" ;D ;D :wave:
-
CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'
'FINE!'
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'
'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'
'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'
SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'
HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'
SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
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The BathTest
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bath."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said.
"A normal person would pull the plug out !!!.”
“Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Phone rings a little boys voice answers.Hello sonny can I speak to your Daddy No said the voice Why not asked the caller he is talking to two policemen in the street about organizing the search Oh can I talk to your Mummy then No Why not She is talking to the Fire Chief. There is a lot of noise in the background what has happened is it serious what are they searching for?. Me I'm hiding with Bunny in his hutch
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A police man gets home, and finds hiw wife in bed with three men
" 'allo, 'allo, 'allo "
to which his wife responds,
"are you not speaking to me?"
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An old man dies at the ripe old age of 113, his secret to longevity was a pinch of gun powder a day.
he left behind his house, car, dog, 7 children, 16 grand children.......
and a 40foot crater in the crematorium
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Not a joke, but something amusing I overheard in the market on Thursday.
Lady gets off the bus and crosses over to the market, spots an old friend.
"Hello Beryl, I haven't seen you for ages"
Response - "Hello Sue, I haven't seen you either!"
;D ;D
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Was she looking the other way or had they got their eyes shut ;D :farmer:
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;D
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I remember once I said to someone "Hello I havent seen you for ages " and he replied "No, I've been avoiding you"
:D :D
Great response
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Was that the end of a beautiful friendship V?
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:D :D
No he was just a cheeky so and so. I couldnt even repeat some of the outrageous things I heard him say to other people!
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Back to the day job
The father,an 85 year old man.Was in hospital and his son went to visit. At the close of visiting time he called at the Nurses Station and asked "Is it true my father claims you are giving my Dad Viagra on a daily basis" ? Oh yes the nurse replied We give him a cup of his favourite milk cocoa and a Viagra tablet to go to bed with each night.The cocoa puts him to sleep and the Viagra stops him rolling out of bed :farmer: :wave:
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A thought for the day it came via Email a few moments ago
Women are angels
If someone should break my wings
I still carry on flying
I just change to my Broom stick
Flexible like that am I :D :D :D :farmer: :wave:
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Followed up by AND DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE
They are finally together
Judy married Ted and they had 13 children.Then Ted died of cancer
Still quite young she married Bob and they had 7 children
Then a tragedy Bob was killed in a car crash.Judy married again
This time to John and had 5 more children
Eventually after giving birth to 25 children Judy died
Standing before her coffin the Parson prayed for her and said Thank you
Lord for this loving woman.Lord may they now be together.
Ethel leaned over to her sister and quietly asked which one Do you think he meant
her first second or John? Margaret replied No I think he meant her legs Ethel
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Two ethnic chaps (Paddy and Murphy) are thinking about buying a dog
Paddy suggests getting a nice Labrador....
Murphy replies
"You dont want a bloody Labrador...do you know how many labrador owners go BLIND!"
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So This chap was driving up this road and on rounding a bend met a woman coming down the road Pig he shouted at her.Road Hog she shouted back.On rounding the bend she crashed into a large boar and died Only,if only women would listen! :farmer: :wave:
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The family had to put the old man in a nursing home.
The nurses were very attentive. One noticed on his first day that he was leaning over to the left in his chair. She straightened him up and put a cushion by him. Later, he was leaning well over to the other side. She straightened him up and gave him another cushion. Later still, she saw him slumped forward so she set him back in his chair and was obliged to put a safety strap across his front...and there he sat, like that, every day.
A week later the family visited.
" Every thing alright, dad?"
"Oh aye, I'm alright", he replied.
"How's your bed, dad?"
"Oh aye, my bed's fine"
"And the food, dad?"
Oh aye, the food's fine, but there is one thing..."
"OH...what's that, dad?"
"They'll no' let ye get a fart at all"
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A woman gets caught shoplifting a tin of peaches in Asda, they decide to prosecute.
The Judge says to her 'I am going to make an example of you and send you to prison, can you tell me how many peaches were in that tin?'
The woman replied 'There were 6'.
'In that case' said the Judge ' I am sending you to prison for 6 days'!
The womans husband raises his hand 'Can I say something please your honour?.......................she also stole a tin of peas!'
;D ;D
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Man walks up to a farmer who's bent over a sheep :sheep:
"Are you shearing?" he asks
Farmer replies "Naw, piss off & get yer own!"
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Mobile cop stops a chap and says to the driver I have stopped you. You went through a Radar trap at 80mph
I'm sure I didn't officer I had cruise set for 60 do you think your machine needs calibrating?
The O/H in the back says demurely Good job it wasn't a bit further back you slowed down when the box started beeping were doing over a ton
The officer then wrote out a second ticket for possion of a illegal warning signal device
Woman keep your mouth shut please.I see you are not wearing a seat belt I will have to use my fixed penalty book
I took it off to get my wallet out of my pocket I thought you were checking documents
She says You fibber you never use your seat belt
For God's sake woman Will you shut your mouth
Does he always talk to you like this Ma rm ?
Oh no officer Only when hes been drinking
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So this Ozzie chap who was a Lumberjack by trade Emigrated from Australia to Oregon in the States.This needed a certain amount of urine extraction on behalf of the Yanks Lets see you fell that Sequoia then So holding the rope knob in his left hand threw his saw at the ground and of course it started instantly and climbed back up its rope He notched the tree and cut through Timber he yelled.As the tree crashed to the ground in record time.OK so lets see you drop that one between those two with out damaging either of the two.He starts the Husqvarna and in double quick time dropped the tree in the exact centre of the two standing trees.A bit taken aback the foreman Yank said Where did you learn your trade then Oh in the Sahara Forrest.Not ever heard of that one only the Sahara Dessert. Oh is that what they call it now a days said the Aussie
Blinking heck one with no swear words :D :farmer: :wave:
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So the usual problem the GM Omega phut phut puff and stop freewheel to the side of the road .That little pointer on the dash points at E Gets out no signal on the mobile as usual when you need it.A very pretty bumble come along and hovering near his ear sez wots up? I have forgot to fill with petrol Oh don't worry about that I think I may be able to help Open the door and remove the filler cap and I'll be back Sure enough the was a sound like a helicopter coming and it was a swarm who filed into his tank and came out When the last one emerged the bumble said put the cap back close the door get in and she will start now .Sure enough so it did What did you do asked the man Obvious said the bumble BP
And thats another wi no swear words :farmer:
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(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)
Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the
children put on his "Wellie boot's"?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him
pushing, the little "Wellie's" still didn't want to go on.
By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet"
She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling
the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep
her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellie's" back on, this
time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies." She bit her tongue
rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?'
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellie's"
off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the "Wellie's" off when
he said, "They're my brother's "Wellie's", my mom made me wear 'them.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up
what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellie's" on his
feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"
He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie's".
She will be eligible for parole in three years! :'(
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And as Captain Mainwearing would say "Stupid boy" ;D ;D ;D :farmer:
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight
so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down,
then back up at the man
and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there
is 65 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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;D ;D ;D ;D Specially the wellies one
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I am told Scatty that there is many a fine tune played on an old fiddle ? ;) :farmer:
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Love that, been thewre done that but I loved working with children they are so naturaly funny. ;D
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I am told Scatty that there is many a fine tune played on an old fiddle ? ;) :farmer:
thats what my o/h says ! hes my toy boy!!! ;)
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On the Vulcan or similar wi yer eyes shut ;D ;D ;D :farmer: :wave:
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From WP and Wizard in its been done before
So he goes to see the doctor with a complaint.Upon examination the doctor said Hmmm! I will give you 3 Suppository's for it.If you are no better by Thursday come and see me again. On going home he said to his brother What do I do with these hes given me Well you place them in the gaps between your fingers Then bandage them to stop them falling out.This he did.On Thursday the man returned to see the Doctor Who asked have they done any good then? To which the man replied.No for what good they are I might as well stuck them up me arse.
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So he goes round the library and on climbing up the steps met Josh coming out with an arm full of books. Morning Josh Ah Good mornin to you Ezra with all these cut backs I wouldn't bother going in there I have all they have here under my arm.Sounds about right to me ;D :farmer:
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A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.
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Love this thread
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman in a bar. The englishman turns to the other two and said ''boys wont you have a drink with me to celebrate the birth of my son''. ''of course, what have you named him'' they asked. ''george'' the Englishman replied on account on him being born on St Georges day.
''well I never'' said the scotsman ''would you believe it, my son was born on St Andrews day and we called him Andrew''.
'' Never'' said the Irishman,'' who would have have thought it?''
At that point a young lad joined the trio, ''Well fellas'' said the Irishman ''Have you met my son..................pancake?''
Sorry its the only one I know, told to me by our farrier!
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All right then DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE ANYWAY SENSATIVE.
The proverbial 3 was off up to town on the 7.15am from Grantham and the Welshman told the other two he had discovered a new way.Do tell said the other two Well boyo he said I coated all her sensitive area with melted Galaxy .Then I licked it all off and she was so excited she was floating 6" above the bed.Thats an old one is that says Jock only north of the border we use single malt My lassie is at least 2 foot off the mattress when we do it like that.Have you done anything like that Pete. Only once he replied Do tell they said.Well you remember last year we finally finished the house and moved in? She had spent hours looking in catalogues and shops for the right colour coordinated bed linen and curtains that matched the carpet Can you remember ? Sick on it I was.Sick on it On the first night going up stairs she said Pete do you think we should Christen the bed?Of course dear A great time was had by both of us any way when we had finished I got out of bed and wiped him on the curtains and she went straight through the bloody roof.
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I have a far worse one similar to that, but at the risk of alienating most people, i will leave it in my mind...
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This little boy said to his Nana "Have you seen my pills the box was labelled LSD Nana" Gran replies "F" your pills have you seen all those "F" Dragons in the kitchen :farmer:
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Little Bill asks Dad for a TV in his bedroom Dad reluctantly agrees Next day Billy comes down from his bedroom and asks Dad "What is LOVE JUICE Dad" Dad is horrified and sits Billy down and explains all about sex to him Billy sits there in amazement with his mouth wide open.So Dad finishes and says "What program was you watching Billy ""BBC1 Dad Wimbledon"
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This woman was standing in front of the mirror on the wardrobe door and said to the O/H" I look horrible I feel fat and ugly pay me a compliment please" He says "yes dear you have 20/20 vision"
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A while later again in the bedroom she says to him "What turns you on more my pretty face or my sexy body" He looks her up and down and replies "Your wonderfull sense of humour"
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I think this is a cracker and NO SWEAR WORDS. This elderly couple was attending Morning Worship when she leans over to her husband and whispered"I have just let out a silent fart What do you think I should do?" "Put a new battery in your hearing aid "he replied
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These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four letter words.
You are drunk Sir Winston, you are disgustingly drunk.
Yes, Mrs. Braddock, I am drunk. But you, Mrs. Braddock are ugly, and disgustingly fat. But, tomorrow morning, I, Winston Churchill will be sober.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
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As well as being a great statesman Sir Winston was a wit to boot.Especially when talking to folk who thought they were his better
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SO The Pet Rabbit reminded me Sweet little girl goes in the pet shop and asks "Haff you any wabbits " The shop owner was a bit sorry for the little girl who was so terribly short tongued and replied "We have indeed sweetheart .Now would you like a Belgian Blue or a nice all White one even a Black one I even have a natural Wild Coloured one.Which one would you like." "Oh I don't fink my pet Pyfon will mind really.Any will do"
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A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man and the man is lying on his side facing the womans back. What is the mans name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer".
The second, from England says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".
The third one, from Scotland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I've narrowed it down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer".
The Scotsman got the job..
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There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."
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During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights, You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine" he replied.
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A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore.
So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex.
That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex.
The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex.
Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful.
So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner.
The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy?
My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
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Q: what's yellow and dangerous?
A: shark infested custard.
Q: what's brown and sticky?
A: a stick.
Q: what do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: a walkie-talkie.
PS: if I'm honest this post wasn't really about the above gags - not that they aren't classics that shouldn't be commited to the annals of forum history. Rather, it was an excuse to remind people that there is a general thread for jokes here and you don't need to start a new one every time! As you were... ;)