Smallholders Insurance from Greenlands

Author Topic: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread  (Read 47082 times)

sagehen

  • Joined Jun 2009
  • Warwickshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #15 on: February 19, 2010, 04:40:32 pm »
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. 
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

sagehen

  • Joined Jun 2009
  • Warwickshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #16 on: February 19, 2010, 04:50:48 pm »
No? Okay another one then...

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'   :D

 

rmorris

  • Joined Jan 2010
  • Perthshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #17 on: February 19, 2010, 06:26:15 pm »
What do you call a sheep with no legs?




(scroll down...)



















 A cloud.

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #18 on: February 19, 2010, 08:19:31 pm »
So its your 18th birthday next month Davinia and Mummy will take you up to town to buy you a new gown.You must look your best at the coming out ball.The new gown bought Mummy explains to Davinia the way to behave and tells her although she may flirt with a man she must not let him get on top of her or Mummy will worry.So off she goes to the ball and has a terrific time Gerald offers to take her home in his Bentley.Mummy is sat up waiting When the milk lorry arrives to pickup the milk.Davinia swans in Davinia how jolly well dare you its a quarter past five and the milk lorry has been and you have only just come home where have you been? Well Mummy said Davinia I danced all night and sipped champers and kissed with Gerald.When it was time to come home he offered to bring me in his Bentley on the way home we stopped by Old Oak Wood and got in the back and I remembered what you had said Mummy So I got on top and let his Mummy worry
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #19 on: February 20, 2010, 04:22:19 pm »
This always makes me chortle It took ages to learn and I may not have got it 100% right see how it goes
Dear Sir,I write this note to you to inform you of my plight and at the time of writing am not a pretty sight
My body it's all black and blue my face a deathly grey.I write note to tell why Paddy's not in to work today
While working on the 14th floor,bricks I had to clear.To throw them down from off the top seemed a good idea
The Foreman wasn't very pleased he was an awkward sod.He said I had to cart them down the ladder in me hod
Clearing all those bricks by hand it was so very slow.So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job I was too blind to see that a barrel full of building bricks is far heavier than me
So when I untied the rope the barrel fell like lead Clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I took off like a rocket and to my dismay I found that halfway up I met the barrel coming down
The barrel broke my shoulder as to the ground it sped and at the top I reached I banged the pulley with my head
I held on tight though racked with pain and numb with shock from this almighty blow
 The barrel spilled out half the bricks  fourteen floors below
Now when the bricks from the barrel fell to the floor I then out weighed the barrel and started down to the floor
I held on tightly to the rope as to the ground I flew I landed on the bricks that was scattered all around
 I lay upon the deck I thought the worst had passed but when the barrel hit the top the bloody bottom burst
A shower of bricks came raining down I knew I had no hope In all the confusion I let go the bloody rope
The barrel now being heavier started down once more It landed on top of me as I lay on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say That I hope you understand why Paddy's not at work today

I cannot help but chortle every time I think of this and how many folk I know is =
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #20 on: February 21, 2010, 12:41:28 pm »
Anuther then The probably most desireable place to knock off around here is Brocklesby Park so
He goes round the back and there is a row of16 windows on the ground floor He goes and trys one or two and eventually finds one he can lift the sash on and climbs in.Its a dusty old sore room.Sod it I shall have to get to the west wing I think to do any good so down the passage he goes and turns right at the end in the first door Shines his torch round and its full of dinner services and the like.So out he goes and into the next and in there is around the outside is lots of side boards in the side board drawers is all the silver cutlery in the cupboards all the table silver  He gets his swag bag and starts to fill it when a voice says Jesus is watching you You can imagine the reaction on recovery he shines the torch round but there is no one there so he continues up 3 units when again Jesus is watching you but this time he thinks it came from over there so he shines his torch there and in an alcove is a African Grey Bloody Hell Jesus you nearly frightened me to death he said to the parrot " Oh no I'm not Jesus I'm Nebacanezza Jesus is that Dam great Rottweiler stood in the only exit door from this room :farmer:
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

sagehen

  • Joined Jun 2009
  • Warwickshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #21 on: February 21, 2010, 01:01:45 pm »
I was expecting a dwarf joke from Zurich, but that one would do as well  ;D Heard of it before but still makes me chuckle  ;D

sandy

  • Guest
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #22 on: February 21, 2010, 09:03:35 pm »
 ;D ;D ;D

Piglet

  • Joined Sep 2009
  • France and Ireland
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #23 on: February 21, 2010, 10:52:35 pm »
How do ya keep an idiot in suspense?











I'll tell ya tomorrow  ;D

Guess who x
"Will we be friends forever" said Pooh? "Even Longer" said Piglet

RUSTYME

  • Joined Oct 2009
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #24 on: February 21, 2010, 11:51:22 pm »
the Red Baron ? .....or the other one maybe...?

cheers

Russ

mab

  • Joined Mar 2009
  • carmarthenshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #25 on: February 22, 2010, 01:10:45 am »
Read this one recently and it's topical:-

 An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

 In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus..

 'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

 Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the....'

 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'

 Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

 The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

 By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

 Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.


 Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes..

 Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

 'Now I ask you,what the **** would you have said?





dixie

  • Joined Mar 2009
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #26 on: February 22, 2010, 08:42:47 am »
 ;D ;D ;D

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #27 on: February 22, 2010, 10:00:38 am »
Piglet I'll get you at playtime :-\ :farmer:
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

CameronS

  • Joined Aug 2009
  • North East Fife
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #28 on: February 22, 2010, 07:30:07 pm »
**no offence**

There is a Scots Man an English Man and and Irish Man.
They all board a helicopter for a tour of the country, to see their home towns from above.

They are flying over Glasgow and the Scots man notices his parents house, just to let them know he will be returning home soon, he writes a note, attaches it to a plank of wood, and drops it into his garden.

Soon they are flying over the Lakes, and the English Man, sees his parents house, following the Scots man's lead, he attaches his note to a brick and drops out the helicopter.

Flying over Cork, the Irish mad sees his house, he like the others decides to send a note, he takes things up an notch and writes his note, straps to a bomb and drops it.

[fast forward]

The Scots man is walking up his street, and finds his mother weeping over his fathers dead body.
"Ma, whit happend like?"
"weel ma barin, yer pa was washing the car, and a plank of wood hit him on the head, and he died!!"

[fast forward]

The English man is striding up his lane, and finds his mother weeping over his fathers dead body.
"Mother, what ever is wrong with father?"
"My child, your father was cutting the lawn, and a brick hit him no the head, he died instantly!"

[fast forward]

The Irish man is jigging up his drive, and finds his mother laughing at his fathers dead body lying in a pile of rubble.
"Mother, what ever is wrong with you, dads dead, and you don't seem to care!!"
"It's not that, your dad was washing the windows, he farted and the house blew up!!"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D

Rosemary

  • Joined Oct 2007
  • Barry, Angus, Scotland
    • The Accidental Smallholder
For the ladies or men with a good sense of humour
« Reply #29 on: February 24, 2010, 04:03:18 pm »

 

One for the ladies



One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool '
And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------------------------------------------------
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practising to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your man from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manuals'
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