Agri Vehicles Insurance from Greenlands

Author Topic: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread  (Read 37967 times)

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #180 on: July 12, 2010, 03:02:10 pm »
All right then DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE ANYWAY SENSATIVE.
The proverbial 3 was off up to town on the 7.15am from Grantham and the Welshman told the other two he had discovered a new way.Do tell said the other two Well boyo he said I coated all her sensitive area with melted Galaxy .Then I licked it all off and she was so excited she was floating 6" above the bed.Thats an old one is that says Jock only north of the border we use single malt My lassie is at least 2 foot off the mattress when we do it like that.Have you done anything like that Pete. Only once he replied Do tell they said.Well you remember last year we finally finished the house and moved in? She had spent hours looking in catalogues and shops for the right colour coordinated bed linen and curtains that matched the carpet Can you remember ? Sick on it I was.Sick on it  On the first night going up stairs she said Pete do you think we should Christen the bed?Of course dear A great time was had by both of us any way when we had finished I got out of bed and wiped him on the curtains and she went straight through the bloody roof.
« Last Edit: July 12, 2010, 03:04:44 pm by Wizard »
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

WinslowPorker

  • Joined Mar 2010
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #181 on: July 12, 2010, 04:35:29 pm »
I have a far worse one similar to that, but at the risk of alienating most people, i will leave it in my mind...

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #182 on: July 15, 2010, 10:25:41 am »
This little boy said to his Nana "Have you seen my pills the box was labelled LSD Nana" Gran replies "F" your pills have you seen all those "F" Dragons in the kitchen :farmer:
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #183 on: July 15, 2010, 10:31:08 am »
Little Bill asks Dad for a TV in his bedroom Dad reluctantly agrees Next day Billy comes down from his bedroom and asks Dad "What is LOVE JUICE Dad" Dad is horrified and sits Billy down and explains all about sex to him Billy sits there in amazement with his mouth wide open.So Dad finishes and says "What program was you watching Billy ""BBC1 Dad Wimbledon"
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #184 on: July 15, 2010, 10:34:41 am »
This woman was standing in front of the mirror on the wardrobe door and said to the O/H" I look horrible I feel fat and ugly pay me a compliment please" He says "yes dear you have 20/20 vision"
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #185 on: July 15, 2010, 10:37:28 am »
A while later again in the bedroom she says to him "What turns you on more my pretty face or my sexy body" He looks her up and down and replies "Your wonderfull sense of humour"
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #186 on: July 15, 2010, 10:42:11 am »
I think this is a cracker and NO SWEAR WORDS.         This elderly couple was attending Morning Worship when she leans over to her husband and whispered"I have just let out a silent fart What do you think I should do?" "Put a new battery in your hearing aid "he replied
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

sheila

  • Joined Apr 2008
  • Mablethorpe Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #187 on: July 15, 2010, 12:09:52 pm »




 
 
 

 

 
 
 

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to four letter words.


You are drunk Sir Winston, you are disgustingly drunk.
Yes, Mrs. Braddock, I am drunk. But you, Mrs. Braddock are ugly, and disgustingly fat. But, tomorrow morning, I, Winston Churchill will be sober.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:

She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."

He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

 


A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."


"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr


"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."  Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain


"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde


"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." -  Winston Churchill, in response.


"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop


"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb


"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson


"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating


"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker


"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain


"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde


"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)


"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
 
 
 
 
 

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #188 on: July 15, 2010, 01:14:19 pm »
As well as being a great statesman Sir Winston was a wit to boot.Especially when talking to folk who thought they were his better
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #189 on: July 18, 2010, 08:41:10 am »
SO The Pet Rabbit reminded me         Sweet little girl goes in the pet shop and asks "Haff you any wabbits " The shop owner was a bit sorry for the little girl who was so terribly short tongued and replied "We have indeed sweetheart .Now would you like a Belgian Blue or a nice all White one even a Black one I even have a natural Wild Coloured one.Which one would you like." "Oh I don't fink my pet Pyfon will mind really.Any will do"
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Gordon M

  • Joined Sep 2009
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #190 on: October 13, 2010, 09:10:16 pm »
A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man and the man is lying on his side facing the womans back. What is the mans name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer".
The second, from England says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".
The third one, from Scotland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I've narrowed it down to two names.
It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer".
The Scotsman got the job..

Daveravey

  • Joined Jul 2009
  • Fife
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #191 on: October 14, 2010, 01:37:11 pm »
There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole.
They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse.
Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"
Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"
Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

Daveravey

  • Joined Jul 2009
  • Fife
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #192 on: October 14, 2010, 01:42:13 pm »
During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights, You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?" "Put them on the chair, on top of mine" he replied.

Daveravey

  • Joined Jul 2009
  • Fife
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #193 on: October 14, 2010, 01:45:16 pm »
A lady goes to the doctor's office and tells the doctor that she can't get her husband to have sex with her anymore.
So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex.
That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex.
The next night she decided to try 4 pills and she had even better sex.
Well the next night she tried 8 pills and the sex was wonderful.
So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner.
The next day her son showed up at the doctor's office and and said, "Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy?
My mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad's going around saying here kitty, kitty, kitty!"

Olly398

  • Joined Mar 2010
  • Herts
    • Brixton's Bounty
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #194 on: November 17, 2010, 11:19:08 pm »
Q: what's yellow and dangerous?
A: shark infested custard.

Q: what's brown and sticky?
A: a stick.

Q: what do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: a walkie-talkie.

PS: if I'm honest this post wasn't really about the above gags - not that they aren't classics that shouldn't be commited to the annals of forum history. Rather, it was an excuse to remind people that there is a general thread for jokes here and you don't need to start a new one every time! As you were...    ;)
also blogging at...

      Brixton's Bounty

 

You have to laugh

Started by sheila

Replies: 2
Views: 1478
Last post September 21, 2009, 07:28:51 pm
by sandy
Lets dance

Started by Bionic

Replies: 4
Views: 1285
Last post October 23, 2012, 09:39:19 pm
by Mad Goatwoman of Madeley
holiday lets

Started by Backinwellies

Replies: 2
Views: 816
Last post February 18, 2013, 09:39:51 pm
by JMB
This made me laugh.....

Started by gillandtom

Replies: 12
Views: 3959
Last post March 02, 2009, 08:28:42 pm
by Fluffywelshsheep
made me laugh!

Started by dixie

Replies: 3
Views: 1438
Last post August 26, 2009, 03:11:35 pm
by BadgerFace

Forum sponsors

FibreHut Energy Helpline Thomson & Morgan Time for Paws Scottish Smallholder & Grower Festival Little Peckers

© The Accidental Smallholder Ltd 2003-2020. All rights reserved.

Design by Furness Internet

Site developed by Champion IS