[Wizard]

Some Iceland jokes now the dust is settlin
I hear the U.S.is to declare war on Iceland apparently the U.S. is accusing them of having weapons of Ash Eruption
Waiter I say theres volcanic ash in my soup I know Sir This is a no fly zone
I came out the house this morning and started across to the car and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen sausages a nother of peas and yet more a bag of frozen chips.I realised it was fall out from Iceland
Whatever next Volcano's in Iceland will it be Earthquakes in ASDA
Jack called this morning and said round his every thing was covered in ash and stunk of sulphur Mind you its much the same I've been married to the useless slut for the past 20 year

[Dangermouse]

When I was a child my fairy godmother asked if I would want a long willie or a long memory.........














































Buggered if I can remeber what i asked for now 

[Wizard]

So you replied yes please

[WinslowPorker]

Went to an old school disco the other night and was great fun, DJ played Sit Down and we all sat down that he played Jump Around and yep we all jumped around, finally he played Come On Eileen and i got chucked out 

[Wizard]

W P I bet you asked for it wiout opening you mouth

[valr]

I came out the house this morning and started across to the car and was hit on the head by a bag of frozen sausages a nother of peas and yet more a bag of frozen chips.I realised it was fall out from Iceland

 

[Wizard]

It,s hapening at your place as well is it C S?

[Wizard]

Anyway whats the difference b/twix a Chelsea Tractor and a hedgehog?
The pricks are on the outside on a hedgehog

[Wizard]

They're at it agen Under a new EU directive "Pykies and Gypos" are no longer to be refered as such the new PC wording is Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers or C.*.*.*.s  for short

[valr]

A woman goes to her dentist in Glasgow and sits in the chair.

"Comfy?" enquires the solicitous dentist.

"Govan" replies the patient.......



A man goes into a telephone box in Glasgow. He can't get it to work so dials the operator. "Is there money in?" asks the operator.
 "No, ah'm just masel."

What do you call a pigeon in Aviemore?  A ski-in doo.

Herd of cows in a field - how can you tell which one's on holiday? It's the one with the wee calf.

Three jobbies lying on the pavement. Which one is the musketeer? The dark tan yin.

Wee boy goes into a baker and points to the window display. "Is that a cake or a meringue?"   
"No, you're right, it's a cake."

Man goes into a butcher. "Have you any Scotch lamb?"
"No" replies the butcher. "Why - are you going to eat it or talk to it?"
"Well never mind" says the customer. "Do you have any wild duck?"
"No" says the butcher "But I have one here I could aggravate for you."

[Rosemary]

I haven't looked at this for ages. I was crying with laughter. Dangermouse, you should be on the telly

[Daveravey]

Why doesn't jesus like to eat M&Ms?

They keep falling through the holes in his hands.


What's the difference between a laywer and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.


What's one of the pros of marrying a mexican?

Unlimited supply of natural gas


What do you call an anorexic with yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.


A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties.

An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"

The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

[Daveravey]

Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket.
Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car.
As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called "Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket under the door. It was punched, pushed back under the door, and when it was safe all the Scots came out and took their seats.
The Englishmen were tremendously impressed by the Scots' ingenuity.
On the trip back, the five Englishmen decided to try this themselves and purchased only one ticket. They noticed that, oddly, the Scots had not purchased any tickets this time.
Anyway, again, just before the conductor came through, the Scots piled into one of the toilet stalls, the Englishmen into the other.
Then one of the Scots leaned out, knocked on the Englishmen's stall and called "Ticket, Please!"
When the ticket slid out under the door, he picked it up and quickly closed the door.

[Wizard]

Vair was it the same lass That was down here and had to go to one as an emergency case. He leaned the chair back and as the chair went back the lass's hand came up and grabbed the dentist by the unmentionables and said "We are not going to hurt one another are we?"

[Wizard]

Just had a cracking Email with a picture but I cannot show you because I don't know how, but heres the words
Su Wong marries Lee Wong
Next year Su has a new baby The Nurse brings out the baby for Lee to see.
Congratulations Is he a lovely baby What are you going to name baby?
The puzzled Father looks at the baby and definitely the Baby is WHITE Caucasian
Well he thinks two wongs don't make a wight.So I shall call him.SUM TING WONG