[Wizard]

Alright then Musta bin a GRUDGE baby?

[JulieS]

 

[Rosemary]

What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

Doug

What do you call a man with a trowel in his head?

Dougless

[Wizard]

Julie I still enjoy sex at 73 I live at 75

[Wizard]

The Health Inspector calls on a snap visit at a local hotel and on entering the kitchen the chef is making pastry.After rolling it out he spits his top teeth out and starts to make tarts to put in the tins .The dirty devil cannot do that the inspector said to a kitchen maid its unhygienic.Cor you should see him make Brandy Snaps

[Daveravey]

 

[Wizard]

So this chap and his small son on the way home from the match pops in Starbuck's for a coffee and cake .He sits the boy down at a table and gives him 3 10p coins to play with while he gets the drinks.Suddenly there is a loud coughing and realising the boy had swallowed the coins rushes over to the table grabs the boy and slaps him on his back Up comes 2 of the 3 but the boy continues to cough and starts to turn blue in the face.A rather smartly dressed woman sitting at the bar puts down her coffee and folding her paper stands up and walks over to the boy picking him up and standing him on the table Pulls down his shorts an grasped his testicles and commenced to squeeze them gently at first Then increases the pressure until the boy convulses and spits out the other coin which she deftly catches in her left hand.She gives the coin to the Father turns on her heel and goes back to her coffee and paper without saying a word.After making sure the boy was OK he went over to the woman and said I have never seen anything like that being done before.Are you a Doctor.No she replied I'm with Inland Revenue!

[WinslowPorker]

 

[Rosemary]

What do you call a man with leaves on his head?

Russell

[WinslowPorker]

what do you call 2 afghan homosexuals.............. Ramit & Jamit

[Wizard]

I know it wasn't a joke but it made Kath and I laugh also the shepherd"Toby told his Mum "they have been peeled"

[WinslowPorker]

CAKE OR BED
 
 A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
 FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
 
 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
 IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'
 
 HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE  'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
 I DON'T THINK SO!'
 
 'FINE!'
 
 THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
 IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'
 
 TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
 DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
 WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
 I DON'T THINK SO!'
 
 'FINE!' SHE SAYS
 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS  TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'
 
 'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
 WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
 I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'
 
 SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A  COUPLE OF HOURS................
 
 HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
 HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
 TO GO HOME
 
 AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
 THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
 
 AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
 HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
 
 AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
 THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
 
 HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
 SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
 OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
 HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'
 
 HE SAID,
 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'
 
 SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

[WinslowPorker]

The BathTest
 
 
 During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
 
 "Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bath."
 
 "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
 
 "No" he said.
  "A normal person would pull the plug out !!!.”
“Do you want a bed near the window?"

[Wizard]

Phone rings a little boys voice answers.Hello sonny can I speak to your Daddy No said the voice Why not asked the caller he is talking to two policemen in the street about organizing the search Oh can I talk to your Mummy then No Why not She is talking to the Fire Chief. There is a lot of noise in the background what has happened is it serious what are they searching for?. Me I'm hiding with Bunny in his hutch

[CameronS]

A police man gets home, and finds hiw wife in bed with three men

" 'allo, 'allo, 'allo "
 
to which his wife responds,

 "are you not speaking to me?"