[Wizard]

Since it was Good Friday the cheque must have been delayed?

[MiriMaran]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice
anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything
different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,
'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

[sandy]

 

[Wizard]

A 90 year old lady was in court for murder.Prosecuting council (PC) Old Lady (OL)
PC and where were you when the alledged offence happened?
OL I was sitting in my rocking bench out on my front porch enjoying a drink before retiring
PC What happened then?
OL He came up to me and sat at  my side on the veranda and started to stroke my breasts and kiss me
PC didn't you stop him?
OL Hell no It's 40 years since any man did that to me
PC What happened then?
OL He put his hand up under my skirt and caressed my thigh
PC So what did you do then surely you attempted to stop him
OL Heavens no I jumped up took down my drawers and said Take me Take me
PC So then what happened?
OL Well he jumped up laughing and said April Fool you silly old crone and thats when I shot the B's tard

[Daisys Mum]

If we have a hung parliament who do we start with?

[Wizard]

Gordon Brown followed by Alistair Darling

[WinslowPorker]

** No offence Intended**

An Englishman, Scotsman & Irishman all with stutters go in to a pub where there is the most gorgeous bamaid they have seen. EnglishMan says 'I'll get this round' and starts to ' thr-thr-thre-thre-thre-three p-p-p-p-pi' the Scotman stands in and sayst o the barmaid 'C-c-c-c-can we have thre-three pi-pi-pi-pints o-o-o-o-of' at which point the Irishman steps in and says 'V-v-very  s-s-s-sorry but -c-c-can we ha-ha-have three pint o-o-o-o-o-of' at which point the barmaid says 'right the first one of you that can tell me where you live without stuttering I will take upstairs and give you the best bl*w j*b ever'. Englishman steps up and says 'Man -ch-ch-ch-chester' Barmaid says 'sorry love you stuttered' Scotsman says 'Edinbur-r-r-r-r-g-g-g-g--g--gh. Barmaid says 'sorry love you stuttered too' Irishman steps up and says 'London' to which the whole pub cheer and true to her word the barmaid take him upstairs where he gets what is the best bl*w j*b ever, on returning to the bar he turns to the barmaid and says 'D-d-d-d-d-d-erry'

And why should women only dress in white? - so they match other domestic appliances 

Laughing as im typing.

[WinslowPorker]

whats the difference between Cheryl Cole and an Icelandic volcano?

the volcano is still blowing Ash 

[WinslowPorker]

and the bets of all:

Mans walks into a bar................. Ouch!!

Why did the monkey fall from a tree?....................... Because it was dead

[Dangermouse]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an Agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of Virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 54. The rationale for the cut was the Increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.

General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad! We don't ask for much In return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

"Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins In the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up!."

Spokespersons for the union in the Northeast of England, Ireland , Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in our areas anyway".

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to Paradise.


 

[Jackie]

lmao very, very funny and duly passed on to friends 

[Dangermouse]

lmao very, very funny and duly passed on to friends 

Im here all week................

[Jackie]

 More! more! *clap, clap clap* 

[Dangermouse]

Im not sure I know any more Clean ones 

[Wizard]

well lets have some unclean ones then