Agri Vehicles Insurance from Greenlands

Author Topic: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread  (Read 47005 times)

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #165 on: June 09, 2010, 09:58:10 am »
Mobile cop stops a chap and says to the driver I have stopped you. You went through a Radar trap at 80mph
I'm sure I didn't officer I had cruise set for 60 do you think your machine needs calibrating?
The O/H in the back says demurely Good job it wasn't a bit further back you slowed down when the box started beeping were doing over a ton
The officer then wrote out a second ticket for possion of a illegal warning signal device
Woman keep your mouth shut please.I see you are not wearing a seat belt I will have to use my fixed penalty book
I took it off to get my wallet out of my pocket I thought you were checking documents
She says You fibber you never use your seat belt
For God's sake woman Will you shut your mouth
Does he always talk to you like this Ma rm ?
Oh no officer Only when hes been drinking
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #166 on: July 06, 2010, 01:07:56 pm »
So this Ozzie chap who was a Lumberjack by trade Emigrated from Australia to Oregon in the States.This needed a certain amount of urine extraction on behalf of the Yanks Lets see you fell that Sequoia then So holding the rope knob in his left hand threw his saw at the ground and of course it started instantly and climbed back up its rope He notched the tree and cut through Timber he yelled.As the tree crashed to the ground in record time.OK so lets see you drop that one between those two with out damaging either of the two.He starts the Husqvarna and in double quick time dropped the tree in the exact centre of the two standing trees.A bit taken aback the foreman Yank said Where did you learn your trade then Oh in the Sahara Forrest.Not ever heard of that one only the Sahara Dessert. Oh is that what they call it now a days said the Aussie
Blinking heck one with no swear words :D :farmer: :wave:
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #167 on: July 06, 2010, 05:35:09 pm »
So the usual problem the GM Omega  phut phut puff and stop freewheel to the side of the road .That little pointer on the dash points at E Gets out no signal on the mobile as usual when you need it.A very pretty bumble come along and hovering near his ear sez wots up? I have forgot to fill with petrol Oh don't worry about that I think I may be able to help Open the door and remove the filler cap and I'll be back Sure enough the was a sound like a helicopter coming and it was a swarm who filed into his tank and came out When the last one emerged the bumble said put the cap back close the door get in and she will start now .Sure enough so it did What did you do asked the man Obvious said the bumble BP
And thats another wi no swear words :farmer:
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

scattybiker1972

  • Joined Dec 2009
  • wirral
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #168 on: July 07, 2010, 01:53:39 am »


(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the
children put on his "Wellie boot's"?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him
pushing, the little "Wellie's" still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second "Wellie" on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet"

She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling
the "Wellie's" off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep
her cool as together they worked to get the "Wellie's" back on, this
time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my Wellies." She bit her tongue
rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?'

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting "Wellie's"
off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the "Wellie's" off when
he said, "They're my brother's "Wellie's", my mom made me wear 'them.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up
what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the "Wellie's" on his
feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"

He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie's".

She will be eligible for parole in three years!     :'(

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #169 on: July 07, 2010, 08:19:50 am »
And as Captain Mainwearing would say "Stupid boy" ;D ;D ;D :farmer:
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

scattybiker1972

  • Joined Dec 2009
  • wirral
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #170 on: July 07, 2010, 10:43:17 pm »
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight
so that it would not blow away in the wind.


A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward
but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"


"Yes, I know," said the lady.
"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are
not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!"
said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down,
then back up at the man
and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there
is 65 years old.
I just bought this hat yesterday!"
 



 

Rosemary

  • Joined Oct 2007
  • Barry, Angus, Scotland
    • The Accidental Smallholder
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #171 on: July 07, 2010, 11:18:08 pm »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D Specially the wellies one

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #172 on: July 08, 2010, 07:24:42 am »
I am told Scatty that there is many a fine tune played on an old fiddle ? ;) :farmer:
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Sandy

  • Guest
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #173 on: July 08, 2010, 09:13:41 am »
Love that, been thewre done that but I loved working with children they are so naturaly funny. ;D

scattybiker1972

  • Joined Dec 2009
  • wirral
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #174 on: July 08, 2010, 10:34:15 am »
I am told Scatty that there is many a fine tune played on an old fiddle ? ;) :farmer:



thats what my o/h says ! hes my toy boy!!!    ;)

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #175 on: July 08, 2010, 12:11:37 pm »
On the Vulcan or similar wi yer eyes shut ;D  ;D ;D  :farmer: :wave:
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #176 on: July 08, 2010, 12:39:44 pm »
 From WP and Wizard in its been done before
So he goes to see the doctor with a complaint.Upon examination the doctor said Hmmm! I will give you 3 Suppository's for it.If you are no better by Thursday come and see me again. On going home he said to his brother What do I do with these hes given me Well you place them in the gaps between your fingers Then bandage them to stop them falling out.This he did.On Thursday the man returned to see the Doctor Who asked have they done any good then? To which the man replied.No for what good they are I might as well stuck them up me arse.
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

Wizard

  • Joined Nov 2009
  • North East Lincolnshire
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #177 on: July 09, 2010, 06:18:56 pm »
So he goes round the library and on climbing up the steps met Josh coming out with an arm full of books. Morning Josh Ah Good mornin to you Ezra with all these cut backs I wouldn't bother going in there I have all they have here under my arm.Sounds about right to me ;D :farmer:
Don't do today what can be put off until tomorrow because today will be yesterday tomorrow

CameronS

  • Joined Aug 2009
  • North East Fife
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #178 on: July 12, 2010, 11:41:35 am »
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating asshole!!", she screams.


juliag

  • Joined Nov 2008
  • Wanstrow somerset
Re: Lets have a laugh, A Joke Thread
« Reply #179 on: July 12, 2010, 02:37:40 pm »
Love this thread



Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman in a bar. The englishman turns to the other two and said ''boys wont you have a drink with me to celebrate the birth of my son''. ''of course, what have you named him'' they asked.   ''george'' the Englishman replied on account on him being born on St Georges day.
''well I never'' said the scotsman ''would you believe it, my son was born on St Andrews day and we called him Andrew''.

 '' Never'' said the Irishman,'' who would have have thought it?''
At that point a young lad joined the trio, ''Well fellas'' said the Irishman ''Have you met my son..................pancake?''

Sorry its the only one I know, told to me by our farrier!
juliag

 

Forum sponsors

FibreHut Energy Helpline Thomson & Morgan Time for Paws Scottish Smallholder & Grower Festival Ark Farm Livestock Movement Service

© The Accidental Smallholder Ltd 2003-2024. All rights reserved.

Design by Furness Internet

Site developed by Champion IS