Start of this year I had found my dream farm, with a deal partly under way that would have given me 20 acres, steading to fix up and use, and a pretty rundown house with a view to die for that I would have spent 20 years happily working on. End of January I discovered the seller had decided to pull out and sell the whole thing (minus land) to a builder for redevelopment as a housing estate on the basis that they might also then get development on the land in future
I have found 3 ok places since but never managed to get that top bid and now I am looking at the dream dwindling due to loss of mortgage capacity (see below).
Further developments from problems the previous year led to my workplace becoming unbearable for me, and I decided not to apply for a more senior role on the basis I genuinely felt it wasn't for me any more. As a result I felt obliged to look for a way out and as my confidence kept slipping, folk took advantage and I ended up needing to leave because of increasing health and stress related problems, not to mention the practicalities of trying to keep 20 ponies and 4 cats going on 2 locations in winter darkness before and after an all consuming day job
So I left my job in September and have had very little coming in - I sold 3 ponies in April but nothing since and the winter bills are higher than ever
Because of slow sales I didn't breed again (2nd year running) so have missed all the joys of foaling and have lost a lot of enthusiasm about the ponies in general. My fitness and health have improved in the last month or two but I'm still struggling with the management on my own, and didn't spend the time in the garden I should have either, so a lot was wasted one way and another
My beloved cat Merlin was runover and the driver didn't stop tho I was only a hundred yards away and the neighbour came to tell me. [Detail edited out] - I buried him in the garden beside 2 others I lost a few years ago on the same road and a kitten I lost at 3 weeks unexpectedly this spring too
I've lost at least one friend due to being loyal to another who was being attacked by someone as yet unknown (reporting her for cruelty and sending inspectors from 3 organisations all of whom found nothing wrong and one of whom asked whether she'd be interested in fostering/adopting any of their rehomers so clearly no fault there just maliciousness but rumours wreck reputations and one of the ponies reported was actually mine which was horrific because for a moment I even doubted myself and my friend
Another one I have walked away from after she knew I'd provisionally booked a hall for 2 evenings a week to run evening groups/classes and she overbooked me to expand her existing business so I now only have one evening's work a week that brings in about £5 after room hire and without travel/time/expenses costs
She then had the cheek to tell me that yes she knew I had a provisional booking but perhaps I'd like somewhere she'd just left because it had unreasonable demands/terms for her group of 8-10. Bear in mind I had no business at all to make commitments about
I have lost a good friend to cancer a couple of months ago and have 3 others at various stages of treatment, plus 3 more with parents suffering from it
I seem to have lost other friends because I'm no longer active with breeding, showing and riding ponies and have little in common with them now. A good half or more of my friends and acquaintances think I'm either mad or depressed to have given up a secure day job at a time like this, so I have little to talk to them about either
And now I am about to lose 20 acres of grazing after 9 years because the owner's neighbour wants him to invest in fence improvements I have been pushing for for years - he's evicting me rather than risk said neighbour suing him for any straying stock. Oh and said neighbour also expressed interest in buying the land - how interesting a coincidence
Meantime I have advertised 8 of my remaining 16 ponies but due to recession, lack of show record/name since my "retiral" from showing, and quite possibly my reputation loss due to the anxiety and stress I've been suffering since last year's even worse year, no further sales have been forthcoming and I now have less than 5 weeks to work out what to do next.. plea for extension has been rejected too
Oops, I forgot another lovely one - my late brother's former partner had organised his funeral late the year before and suggested my sister and I deal with erecting the gravestone.. Early this year it turned out that over in New Zealand she had rights to his estate which in the UK she wouldn't so she seems to have had all his funds over there and into her account rather than, as he wished but didn't bother to write into a will (age 51) it coming to my sister and myself in my case specifically so I could buy the farm he knew I wanted. He had been an agri contractor in the UK for years before emigrating and working with/for her in setting up her business which of course he put years into and was in her name and is now for sale cos she can't run it without his input so is retiring on the profits of all his work and our aunt's/family money
The icing on the cake of this was that this summer my sister contacted her to invite her input on the gravestone and it turned out she'd already decided to order one to suit herself and wanted our financial contribution but not our input on style/wording.. She then ordered it, told my sister the morning it was due to be erected, me not at all
and when my sister took a last minute day off to go and see it done, it turns out my name was spelt wrong and the bill was duly forwarded to my sister for her and I to pay in full
We declined
and as far as I know the stonemason is pursuing her in NZ for his money but my name remains wrongly spelt on a (to me) hideous stone which I am damn sure I will never ever go and view because I am so angry and hurt
There is more but it's a series of minor things just packing themselves into a wave of difficult times all round
The good side - I no longer have to drag myself up the hill in the dark to find ponies on a 20 acre steep hill field in the dark before going to a workplace I was increasingly stressed about going to and more and more dissatisfied with as a career anyway.
I don't have to pretend to like those folk at work who I know have been stabbing me in the back, nor act "professionally" when attacked - I can walk away and not care what they think or say about me. And I'm actually having a lot more quality of life than they are in there every day
Also my health and sleep patterns are improving steadily, if not as fast as I'd like
and I now know who my friends are
and what to do with those who speak one way and act another
I am more committed to selling asap the 7-8 ponies I wanted to part with "at maturity" and am learning that goodwill cannot be relied on even after years of loyalty or promises. I am probably clearer on my focus and goals than before and therefore should be more likely to succeed when I have a direction to point that focus at!
With better health, more time, less stress, more sleep, more animal and me time and less money, I am enjoying the possibilities of next year and, once I get through the winter and animal sales start again, I have more hope for my future than I ever did when the income and cost were certainties
I have started running workshops and groups and find I love teaching folk that are interested and talking to those as passionate as I am about any number of things. I have invitations to Cumbria, back to Northern Ireland, London, Amsterdam and Peru all of which I can accept and enjoy as part of my business/life rather than trying to decide on one thing a year. I am even more likely to find genuine support for animal checking in my absences because I am here the rest of the year to offer reciprocal assistance or other services.
In short, the year before was horrific (losing Mum in March, my uncle in June and my brother in September plus all the physical illness, work stress and other such problems that accumulated around those traumas).
This one has been pretty hard going and is ending with another in a series of unexpected difficulties.
But I have a future now - 18 months ago I didn't think I'd be alive by now or sane if so and life and health are everything, money is not. That's my thought for the year
hope I've not bored you all!