[aess35]

  I suppose this is a topic that many will have come across or are likely to come across in some way.  I haven't had much of a relationship with my Dad since he and my Mum separated..this was pretty much his choice as we all lived in the same village, he moved a woman in with her son and they married.  I'm a female only child so obviously didn't fit his bill of a suitable child..through my teenage years the contact was sparse and then I moved from Scotland to England so there was no contact.  I took my children to meet him once after my youngest commented on the fact that she thought he had died, then no contact again from him.  A few years ago he had a bad stroke so I took a deep breath and dragged the kids..now teenagers.. to see him thinking it was the right thing to do..again no contact afterwards having left a contact number.  Tonight I got an e-mail from his 'granddaughter' through his wife saying that he has had 2 heart attacks and is waiting for emergency surgery which he may not survive.  I honestly don't know how I feel..I had a brief cry but is that a pre-programmed reaction to hearing bad news..do I or don't I go see him?!?!  I'm torn, I truly feel that I'm never going to get the reaction I want from him which is..I'm sorry, I let you down and basically I've been a s**t father so that is making me say no I'm not going but if he dies then I will not have given him this last chance to say it or anything else.  I know my kids are not interested in him, they are 16 and 18 and have seen him twice and my partner of 6 years has never met him so I'm sitting here spilling my thoughts and wonder how many others have come across this type of situation..I used to wish I was adopted as I was a good child but drew a bit of a short straw with parents when they separated, I was left to my own devices for a few years as they had a ball being single.   

[RUSTYME]

If it were me , i would go and say , maybe , my goodbyes , even if it were just in my head .
If you don't go and he dies , you may regret it forever .
I never expect 'sorry' from anyone . If it comes , great , if not then you haven't lost anything anyway .
Only you can really know how you feel , and if you should go or not . But just by you asking the question , i think it shows  not going would play on your mind .
 Horrible choice though , but when he has gone , one you won't be able to change .

 

[darkbrowneggs]

I am with Rustyme on this one.  Go along knowing it may well be the last time you see him.  Ok it still may not be all you might wish, but you won't have to wonder if it would have been better if you had of gone, and will have nothing to beat yourself up about in the future.

[aess35]

Ta..I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't..if I go I'll regress to a 12 year old child(I'm 42!) and feel just as pitiful as I did then but if I don't, as you both rightly say I'll always wonder. It might sound horrible but I wished I hadn't been told that he was so ill but been told when he'd passed as then I wouldn't be going through this and would just get over the fact that he didn't ask for me..because he hasn't, it's his wife that made contact!! And he's clearly still having a bad effect on me as I should be in bed instead of sitting here eating kettle chips and drinking cider..always got to keep a little humour in life or you'd spend most of the time in tears!! 

[mojocafa]

It's a tough one and I'm not going to advise but

    

[Berkshire Boy]

I agree with the others that you could regret it forever if you don't go. Maybe it is time you told him how much he hurt you and that he still is. Good luck in whatever you decide.

[lachlanandmarcus]

I'm slightly bucking the trend. Yes, I think it probably would be best to go, get it over with and not expect anything positive to come out of it other than you doing the 'right' thing in a way he's consistently failed to do for you. Just to avoid the 'I wish' thoughts afterwards if he passes.


BUT if you don't want to I would ignore the 'right' thing as he's had all the chances in the world to try to do that right thing and didn't take them. You owe him precisely nothing.


What's important is your happiness since you are the let down one here. What will make you more content and happy in the long run. If you decide that's not going, then that's completely fine. Totally fine.     

[stufe35]

Hmm. Tricky one,  I'm not sure your reason for visiting should be to hear him say sorry.

If anything go and visit him to say goodbye, and so your conscience is clear.

He has had lots of time and opportunity to say sorry, I worry you might be disappointed if you go with that expectation.

[aess35]

Thanks for all your advice, I suppose the wanting him to say sorry is just that I want him to care...I don't expect him to grovel for forgiveness.  As I was putting 4 year old back to bed in the middle of the night and tucking her in I thought about how little effort it really takes to be a parent..you don't need money or or anything fancy, you need time and you need to show you care.  For almost 30 years he has lived in the same village as most of my family, in fact for the past 10 can see my mothers house from his, he has never once asked about myself or my children and they have not suffered because of this, they are amazing.  I'm not going to go to see him.  Thanks again, for some reason it felt easier to ask the advice of strangers! 

[happygolucky]

Some people can block things and feelings out of their life, they have different reasons,  some selfish and some guilt but your father may well not think he has done much wrong, I suppose better being absent than being cruel in other ways, never the less, I can  understand your feelings,  its up to you but I too think it would clear  your conscious to go and say your good byes,  
 

If anything go and visit him to say goodbye, and so your conscience is clear.

, I doubt he will say he is sorry but if he does it will be a bonus, we can never turn back time.
We are a complex breed us humans, being a father is more than a sperm donation but some parents forget that bit!

[john and helen]

My relationship was different to yours, Both my parents left , and met new partners, I am sure one of them was meant to take me,    I stayed in the house on my own, i was 14 at the time.. until my aunt bought the property

i then moved into a bedsit, just couldn't fit into the new families created on both sides…
My sister was put into a home, she has Cerbal palsy..i never to this day, forgive them for that..

as i grew, i grew further away from them, i use to visit, and when i tried to move back..well!! it just didn't work.
some of that was down to me…

years went by and i started my own family..i had a call, dad was ill. so i came down, he died a few days later,
it was a weird feeling, everyone was crying except me… they where all telling me what a great man he was,
it was almost like being inside a big bubble looking out….. even at the cremation, i showed no emotion..

7 years later , i was driving home, and this song came on the radio..the living years, i felt angry , not just with dad, but myself..i guess , we both should of tried harder.. the song brought a tear to my eye…

I guess i loved dad, and i know he loved me..we just didn't tell each other… i sometimes still look to the sky and have a moan at him,

I am glad i said goodbye to him, even though we didn't exchange the words i think we both wanted..stubborn to the end..

i have also lost mum now, she is still alive , but she has alzheimers, she hasn't a clue who i am….

I don't think i had the best parents, and maybe i made a few mistakes, but i can't turn back time ….

if i where you, i think i would go..if nothing else, just to close that chapter in your life.. don't expect anything..
but be there for You

what ever you do, no one can judge you…and nor they should

i do send my best wishes to you ,

John

[doganjo]

I've been lucky, great close family, wonderful husbands both, lovely parents and grandparents.  He is probably always in denial, so if it were me I'd go alone unless the kids want to come, and don't expect anything. Just say your goodbyes and forgive him if you can.

[Castle Farm]

If it was me I'd not bother. Go to the funeral when it happens and pay your 'respects'.


This is a man that got your mother pregnant and that's about all he is. My natural mother was a waste of skin and dumped me as a 6 month old baby on my grand mother. She tried for years to put me on various guilt trips, some I fell for, but in the end I ignored her like she ignored me.


I never went to her funeral and don't regret it one bit.


I still miss my gran even after 55 years.

[stufe35]

I have 2 tests which I apply when deciding whether or not to attend a funeral :

1. Did I see them when they were alive.? If not its too late to make it for it up now they are in a coffin. (Moral  - if you have some one in your life you care about, take time to see them now.....they will let you off if you cannot make it to their funeral)

2. If it was me in the coffin  would they be going to my funeral ?

They only exception to these rules is I might go along to support the greaving family that remain.

[in the hills]

 


You owe him nothing. Relationships/feelings/situations are so complicated sometimes and I've come to the conclusion that there is no understanding why some people behave the way they do. Just do what you feel is right for you. I would probably go if it may be the last chance to see him. The funeral to me wouldn't matter .... too late then. As others have said, go and expect nothing from him but go for you ..... if in your heart that is what you think you should do.