[happygolucky]

As I read with interest the Jealousy thread, it reminded me of my own feeling of guilt that stems from divorce, I am sure I am not alone but am alone as I have no one to talk to about it all so I wanted to air stuff on this forum.
 Its been 20 years now but, I as a divorced women always feel incredible guilt about the family break  up, even though it was my husband who divorced me, no other person involved just a complete difference of opinions and characters that clashed all the time, anyway, I am not bothered about that side its my daughters. No jealousy or regret only guilt.
 
 

[happygolucky]

That's just what I mean Cleopatra, you were not to blame but get the shame!!!!
You can either play up to their image of you so they get fed up......or move on, in place or in your head.....
I moved away as my Ex knew every move I made and I got fed up with stupid things being said, probaly the same as you ,, also I did want a fresh start as a new partner living where an old partner has such a strong link too is hard!!
I think you first have to be happy on your own before you can be happy in any relationship, I was very very lucky and met my ideal man straight away..........
I read a bit about guilt before I posted this, it took me a while to pluck enough courage on to share how I feel but its horrid.......  your daughter may have loads of resentment inside her, cannot blame her for that but its definitely nothing to do with you........the best way is to enjoy your now time.....do things that with a partner are hard....eat what you like and see things on the cinema that you want, go alone of find another person, either someone you know or a total stranger who also is alone...
There is nothing wrong at all with lonely hearts, how dare they call YOU a slapper!! how the hell are you suppose to meet a partner? go to a pub and Waite to be picked up? go to a dance or party to be picked up? hope you meet the ideal person shopping? at work or school etc etc,,,,dating sites are great these days, of course there will be the odd problem but not as many as leaving it to chance,,,,IF, you are ready and IF you do want some one, there IS some one out there for you,,,,,,that's what I did do but my now husband was there for me and all was great in the end!! go for it and B to them nosy so and sooo's

[happygolucky]

  YOur monther and brother dieing would be a cause for depression, it must hurt in waves, not sure of the circumstances but I still think about my parents, they died a bit young, in thier early 60's, death is something that you just live with rather than get over, the pain gets less but sometimes something triggers it all off, although I do have my brother he has caused me major concerns over the years, hes great now though.
 
There are lots of single people out there as well as lots of people in pretend happy marrages or partnerships..........I felt liberated coming to a place where I had no history.....I now make my own and if anyone calls me strange things that's all the better!!!
I wonder if its a mum thing to feel guilt? I doubt my ex feels any guilt and I wonder if yours does?  I love dogs too, they are the very best tonic...I am putting off a walkies due to me having wires trailed all over trying to get washing done...and so I want it finished before guests return to the B&B.
I am on my own as well, my only brother is a recluse and know one else around, I have 1 daughter in England near her dad and strangely her partners parents live a few doors away from her dad, there are so many links there for them. I have 2 daughters and all my grandchildren and son in laws in Australia making a great new life for themselves, that makes me happy but I miss them sooooooo much, that's the problem with divorce, things get complex!!!   
 
 
 

[happygolucky]

I hate that too, I think it effects some insurance policies as well......we got married partly due to hat and partly cause we wanted too.....I hate the idea of being judged if married or not too!,,

[Catweazle]

If I feel a bit down I tell myself;

" I'm right here,  right now,  I'm free to go in any direction I choose.  The past is gone,  the future is what I decide it will be. "

And it's true,  I'm not chained to the floor,  if I want to change anything I can,  nothing can stop me.

Try it.

If that doesn't work how about seeing a counsellor ?  Don't hold it all in,  tell someone everything you feel.  The old sayings "get it off your chest" and " a problem shared is a problem halved" are folk wisdom,  " a weight lifted off your shoulders" is how you will feel once you've told someone.  You've taken the first step by sharing on here,  un-burden yourself to a counsellor - they've heard it all before,  humans are not as unique as we like to think we are,  we share anxieties like we share DNA.

Best wishes.

[jaykay]

Sandy and especially Cleo, with the depression, Dorothy Rowe's 'Breaking the Bonds' has completely changed how I see depression and is changing the thinking that kept me going back there.

Basically she's saying you've learned a way of thinking about things in the past, which at the time was a sensible and useful way of surviving something. But now it's outlived it's usefulness and is leading you into depression, and that you can learn a different way of thinking and stop becoming depressed.

She's wise, sane and it works (and I've read a lot of books on depression in my time, she is the best).

[Lesley Silvester]

I don't feel guilty for leaving my ex.  He is a power freak and abused me for years so I needed to get out.  What I do feel bad about is that my children were so hurt.  I genuinely thought they would understand why I left - he always had to control them as well and the elder two left home quite young to get away from  it - but they thought we were happy together.

Whereabouts are you, Cleopatra?  I'm wondering if there are any TASers near enough for you to meet up now and again.  Many of us have been in your position and do understand.

As far as calling ou a slapper is concerned, surely it was better for you to join a dating agency rather than go after someone else's partner?  If you had done that I could understand their feelings but you looked for someone available.  That's perfectly normal.  We all need someone to love who loves us in return (other than children).   

[jaykay]

Exactly, how is that being a slapper 

Stupid mean-spirited man, we all want to be loved.

[happygolucky]

I had similar Mad goat women, my daughter is on here so not going into detail but they all know how controling he was, not that he could help it as he had a crap childhood....I deal with things but it would  be great to talk with a human!!! ....the trouble is, I feel more and more cut off due to money, my EX has tons and that gives him freedom and I am positive he has NO guilt but I tried my best to stay but he told me to go....for the best as I am sooooooo happy, as in jealousy I used to envy happy married couples, I had very little in common with my ex and in fact he is probably more happier without me!!

[Catweazle]

Exactly, how is that being a slapper 

Stupid mean-spirited man, we all want to be loved.

True.  Next time you put an advert on the dating site include the words " Looking here for a partner as all the local men are inadequate...."

[NormandyMary]

I too feel guilty about what I put my girls through when I left my husband, but I left for love, not after abuse or violence. I suppose that makes me the lowest of the low to break up a family unit for my own selfishness. However, I wasnt happy, I used to drink far too much to make it tolerable and if it hadnt happened when it did, it would have happened at a later date.
As a consequence of me leaving, my entire family disowned me, mum, dad, brothers, all whole lot of them. I had virtually nothing to do with them for over 2 years. I used to pluck up courage and ring my mum, only to be told how horrible I was and that I'd made my bed etc, and put the phone down on me. My brother told me that I was the worst thing that ever crawled out from under a stone.  Nice!
However, 21 years after I met the love of my life, we are still together and although I do moan about him, I still love him as much as I did all those years ago so perhaps I made the right decision after all.

[happygolucky]

NormandyMary I know that feeling of desperately wanting the love you crave....I was certainly tempted on a few occasions but did nothing, my strong commitment to being married stopped me,,,,,just in time.
I think a lot of couples stay together but have affairs and choose to ignore that, especially regarding the economics of it all....it must be getting harder and harder to live separately....I did not drink but was being destroyed inside, although, just before I separated I felt a sense of power, I had gone to college and just going to Uni, in my opinion was becoming more independent and stronger, that's the key.......
I suppose sharing our guilt helps a lot!!

[happygolucky]

I kept thinking in the shower...you should never feel guilty unless you did something horrid like kill some one, even then, the circumstances of your life and birth and genetics play a huge part in who you are and how you react to things!!!!
Most of us do things we regret all the time, with our partners, animals, pets and children as well as with friends and relations, your relations are cutting themself off and that's really stupid, life is too short. I
When I first separated I got left out of a lot of family events due to my Ex having strong family bonds in the local area, all or most of my family lived far away and I had sort of lost contact and been much more involved in my in laws family..I was deeply hurt when I did not get an invite to a family wedding, a relation that I had a lot of interaction with , it hurt even more as my first Grandchild was the bridesmaid and my Ex took his then girlfriend....On reflection I suppose they all thought we would create a scene being together for a wedding but we have never been like that, he has been here a few times and visa versa!!! nevertheless, I was heartbroken at the time!!
We cannot help who we are, we make wrong decisions all the time, its all about learning, some of us make the same ones over and over, I know I do, as for the effect on our children, few if any of us are "perfect" parents, we cannot be saints all the time...unless of course we are 

[Lesley Silvester]

Happy, we have a lot in common.  It was when I got a job that I was good at (I'd been working with him in our own business and constantly being put down before) then went to college with the intention of going to uni that I gained the self confidence to leave.  That and meeting my OH who made me feel good about myself.  I stayed because I believe that people should work at marriage but that takes two.  Ex kept coming to see me and begging me to return, saying that he didn't want to go on without me.  Four months later he was with someone else And married he before the ink had time to dry on the decree absolute.

By lying under oath, he managed to get more than he was entitled to from our joint assets so he now has no mortgage and I have another eleven years to go on mine.

I don't feel guilty about leaving him but mad at myself for not doing it as soon as the abuse started.

[happygolucky]

WOWWWWOW   Goatwoman of Madeley, that's me spot on too, he told me to leave just as i gained power and status...I was slim and attractive but always felt crap about myself, when other men showed interest that made me feel great...until I returned to insults, he still does that now, with all women once they are "his" I think it was due to his upbringing, I was told years ago he was a misogynist, i had to look that up!!!  Mine also took more than a fair share of our finances, the judge refused to grant a divorce and asked for his solicitor and mine to come to see him with me, he said he would ask 3 times if I agreed to the grossly unfair settlement and I said Yes, I had to choke back tears as otherwise my children would have been put more through the mill than me........I still am angry that he had my parents money when they died, that was not much as they were not rich but, when his parents died I had nothing, then he was left a huge sum from farming uncle and aunt and that rubbed it in as at that time I had to sell my car and leave uni to survive..however, I had found true love and a sole mate and for once felt happy with myself, you and me have parallel lives......nice to get out of a crap marrage though,,,,shame about the children!!
 I am made too that I stayed, although when you feel so low, what choice have you?