[Polished Arrow]

When I got divorced from my husband of 23 years, I only ever ticked 'single' on any forms that came my way.  I didn't see what anyone could gain from knowing what I had been through - it was my own private business.  I also felt that it was correct, and that it labelled me as I really was - ie, single.  Not in a relationship.  I mean, someone who had lived with someone but not married them would be single if they split up, so why shouldn't I be too?  Being 'divorced' is one option, being 'single' is another.    Though it does help if you are living somewhere new, I admit.


Now, however, I am married again and very happily, too 
I met him on a motorcycle forum 

[happygolucky]

I have always hated being asked if I am Mrs or Miss, I used to put Ms.......Forums bring a lot to our life well mine anyway, I met my husband at college, I went for an interview on the same day and saw him as a strange but nice Happy, I had an instant bond but was a married women, I did not think he was remotely interested in me, I missed him when he had a day off and we always said the same things in class, when I separated I held a little party and that's when we got together, instant love

[happygolucky]

 

[SallyintNorth]

My ex had an affair, left, she got herself pregnant so in the end they married.  I believe they are happy now, and he is certainly very happy to be a dad.

I wasn't and never have been angry about the affair and how it all ended up - clearly he wasn't happy with me, he met someone and you have a right to find happiness.

What I was angry about is how he went about it all.  His handling of having an affair and leaving was abysmal and very very cruel.  I didn't deserve that, and it made getting over it all and being able to trust again so very much harder.

[happygolucky]

That must have hurt bad!!....My  best friend and my sister in law were sort of upset when I first told them we were seperating, although a lot of people I knew were in the same boat...then, we all found out that both sister in law and friends "devoted" husbands had been seeing other women for the past 10 years......that destroyed them for a long time.....it must put all those past memories into a different context......

[doganjo]

This is not restricted to males. 

My late partner, John, was financially, mentally, and emotionally mistreated by his 'ex', and didn't have the money to go to the final divorce hearing 700 miles away, so she was awarded more money than she'd alrwdy got out of him voluntarily - to try to get her to go away and ealve him alone.

He didn't have the remaining balance she was awarded and I had to pay it.  She had already got £60000, and a monthly allowance for 5 years, as well as bills paid for her totalling £10000

She kept phoning our house when we moved in together, as she had got the number from her lawyer who had in turn got it from John's stupid idiot one who we found out later was her uncle. 

I knew as soon as I came in from work she had phoned as he was so depressed.  She made HIM feel guilty, but I feel guilty 10 years after his death that I wasn't more assertive in refusing to pay her.

Just another side to the coin.

[happygolucky]

My brother in law walked out with nothing.....mind you he did have an/several affairs....I suppose it's about who holds the power......

[RUSTYME]

It boils down to the way  people  are , there are good and bad in male and female .
There have always been strong women who take no crap from men , others that just take ! Many got and still get abused by outwardly 'nice' men, but many have good and bad times , just lifes ups and downs .
Men can be arseholes , others can be good men . In many respects women are freer than they used to be , but do they get treated better ?
Peeps is peeps and  always will be . It's just the bunny boilers i worry about !

[happygolucky]

Exactly Rusty, I have met some very horrid people working within Child protection, male and female!!!

We are who we are and its difficult to change, its even more difficult to find someone you want to spend most of your time with.

One thing, we tend to follow family trait es, our  future is often mapped out for us and people who choose horrid partners often choose the same type again and again and again......Its all a balance of power.

[Lesley Silvester]

My ex told my mum soon after I left him that if I had shouted back at him in the early days, things wouldn't have worked out the way they did.  Obviously this means it was my fault that he turned into a control freak.  Not.  Mind you, he also told me that it was my fault he raped me.  Quote, "If you hadn't have resisted, I wouldn't have had to rape you." unquote.  I only resisted the once.  After that, I gave in as it was over quicker in the long run.

The funny thing is, he is now married to a woman who is the one in control.  As both my boys told me, on separate occasions, "Ronnie says jump and Dad says "How high, dear?"  He seems to be happy with her though.  Maybe that's where I went wrong.  I should have been the one in control but that's not the type of person I am.  I want a partner who is my equal in the marriage and that's what I now have.  My boys aren't like their father.  Unfortunately, my daughter is like him.

[happygolucky]

I think that giving in keeps a lot of relationships together, like you MGM, I like the equality I have now...I think due to me being a bit erratic and spontaneous most of the time, sometimes people like to take controle as its the way they feel safe....I detest any form of control and my now husband tries it on all the time, he says he is helping but he is actually interfering and then i get mad.....although he is not as bad as my Ex in any way shape or form, he will just tell me what to do all the time, e.g, phone so and so today, pay the gas bill, hoover the bedroom etc etc, I honestly do not need to be told and hate it, I now understand its things that are going on in his head and he wants them sorted to feel better......on the other hand my Ex used to actually tell me off and was negative about anything and everything I did, even my friends were spoken about in negative ways...anyway, like you say, there needs to be a balance, I suppose your Ex actually likes being controlled... and I hope my ex can find someone who can put up with his insults all the time......he has a nice girlfriend at the moment so who knows???
 
 

[Lesley Silvester]

My ex's mother was shizophrenic so not able to be a proper mother a lot of the time.  I wonder if subconsciously he's looking for someone to be in that role, ie the one who makes the decisions.  Even our GP asked him why he felt he had to control the children all the time.  She didn't know he contrtolled me as well.

He used to tell me how to do things.  For example, I write stories and he used to tell me what characters  I should have and what the stories should be about.  The worst bit was how he was in front of other people.  A couple of occasions I can remember were when we had to see the bank manager about our business account and one parents' day at the school.  We were discussing some aspect of the business with the bank manager and I ask a question.  Before BM could answer, ex said, in a very soothing voice, "Now I did explain it all to you before we came.  What you are asking about is....".  I felt about six inches high and didn't ask any more questions.  At parents' day, teacher was talking about older son's behaviour.  I said that he was easily led (which I had been told by other members of staff).   Again, before teacher could say anything ex buts in, "No he's not.  I've told you that before."  Again I shrank down in my seat and kept quiet.  I thought they must think I was totally stupid.  Now I realise that they probably felt sorry for me being married to him.

He did do me a big favour though.  We gave up the business (which had been running at a loss for years but he refused to give in) and moved down south so he could go to university.  (He had no qualifications at all having left school at 15 but went in as a mature student.  The uni accepted him on the basis that he was clearly numerate as he had kept the business books and had a previous career in retail management, and his application letter, which was very detailed, demonstrated that he was very literate.  Guess who had gone through the letter correcting the grammar and spelling?)  He started putting me down even more once he was a university student, the first in his family, so I decided to get a degree myself just to prove I am not as thick as he made me out to be.  I now have a degree, a Masters and a PGCE and had a very good few years in teaching. (He hasn't worked since, mainly I think, because he alwasy said he wouldn't work as he didn't think it right that he should pay back his student loan.)

The saying that what doesn't break you make you stronger is certainly true, HGL, and I'm sure we are both much stronger people as a result of what we went through.    to you for surviving.

[happygolucky]

My husband had a bad start re mum v's aunt too, hence the controle of females in his life!!
 
 
 

[NormandyMary]

My husband is 67, but it sometimes feels as if he is 6 going on 7. He just doesnt seem to be able to function without me there to do even the basics like sorting his clothes out, dealing with all the money (however did he manage to run a successful company back home?) do all the chores, the shopping the present and card writing..I could go on!
Many years ago, he left home at a very early age, although why has never been explained, but it didnt take him long to find a woman to live with so that he could be looked after. He has drifted from one wife to another seeking both love and care. I feel he is very insecure and needs reassurance all the time. Trouble is, Im insecure too so we make a great couple! He used to always want his own way, but these days he has mellowed and I can talk him round to my way of thinking.

[doganjo]

I suppose this is quite a cathartic thread.  You are all getting things off your chest that need to be closed down for you to move on.

I think it has helped me already that I needn't feel guilty about allowing Jean to have that money as it DID get rid of her eventually.  Mind you she did try it on again when he died - tried to say his will was invalid as he was English and it needed two witnesses. Fortunately that didn't faze me as I studied law in Scotland as part of my accountancy degree.