Hi guys
I feel like I need to open up a bit about why I've been missing so long and am now back on the forum.
Some of you may know that my ex (verdifish on here) left me in the summer after 9 years, via Facebook while he was in Australia. It completely took me by surprise, and I think I went into a kind of shock, continuing to go to work, look after the animals and getting my head down to spend as little time thinking about people, socialising and relationships as possible.
I then had to move house, and obviously the animals too, and I thought I had a farmhouse and land lined up, but the farmer had obviously had misgivings that I hadn't realised, and he decided it wasn't going to work, so with 6 weeks until I was supposed to be moved by, I had to find somewhere to keep the animals (then after a further week, I was given the demand from the landlady to move the animals off her fields within a week - so managed to find a friend of a friend to board my 66 sheep as they wouldn't fit in the barn, and got the 24 goats and 22 pigs moved into the barns, which was tighter than I would like, but kept them safe). I managed to then find a field for the goats and a nice scrubby woodland area for the pigs to rent from a local estate, and managed to get some electric fences in position to make them reasonably livestock proof (obviously being animals, there have been a couple of escapes, of pigs and goats since, requiring tweaking of various areas of fencing to avoid shorts and ensure gaps were filled!). I found a flat to rent that would take 3 dogs and 3 cats (which was harder than I though!), and managed to almost get moved by the end of February, but came a cropper when the snow hit, as I couldn't finish moving my belongings (all furniture and most stuff moved by end Feb, but a few boxes from study/utility room in particular not moved by that point), cleaning the house and getting the livestock and their accoutrements out. The landlady got impatient and moved back in on 4th March, and finished the cleaning herself (and is now refusing to return my deposit because of this, and the "damage" the pigs have made to the grass (which given time will grow back, is less likely to be an ongoing problem than the poached area the horses made after being in that field for a month or two at her request, never mind the years of neglect that field has had with extremely rutted and wet areas from being grazed exclusively by horses) and the sheep/goats chewing bark on her trees that has supposedly killed several). I had problems with the roof on the goat shelter at my new field as the permanent roofing didn't arrive until much later and the tarpaulin (s - I had to buy a second as the first was too weak to hold!) ripped off a few times and needed extra help to get refitted - particularly in the winds following the snow. I managed to get all the livestock moved in by 11th March, and the permanent roof fitted on the shelter on 17th March.
During all of the stress of moving, I had some considerable help and support from family and friends, but my mum suggested I needed to go to the doctor as she suspected I had been depressed for some time and been hiding it. To which I agreed it was most likely the case, but I was probably hiding it from myself as much as anyone else! So I went to the doctor on 13th March, and started antidepressants. Whether it was the side effects of the medications (I was nauseous from an hour or two after the first tablet), or stress from moving etc, or the comedown following such stress, the flu bug that was going around, or some combination, I was absolutely exhausted after helping fit the roof on the Saturday morning, had a cry while chatting to my mum on facebook in a layby, went home for a sleep and afterwards still felt completely overwhelmed, crying everywhere, including a full on sobbing fit in front of the fridge after I opened it to try and make some toast and feeling so nauseous I couldn't eat all weekend. I had such a bad headache and photophobia on Sunday that I spent all day in bed or a darkened room and the NHS 24 saw me out of hours to check me over and give me treatment for the nausea and headache. I stopped those tablets and saw the doctors again later in the week and ended up on new antidepressants and signed off work for a fortnight. I spent some time building back up to eating due to the nausea, struggling to get out of bed, feeding the livestock a bare minimum frequency to keep them alive as I had no strength, motivation or ability to get up and do anything.
I was signed off work for a further 4 weeks, but over the last 4 weeks, I have been gradually feeling like I've had more good days than bad, and been able to start trying to do more positive things, I've been swimming with my sister and neice a couple of times, been to a family lunch out, visited my dad and stepmum for dinner (3 hours drive away), I had our Saturday receptionist over the last two weekends as she wants to be a vet student so I could give her some experience with the goats and pigs in particular and we got foot trimming, goat vaccinations, worming and weight measurements done as well as castrating the rig I had this year, and split up and fenced the pigs, as well as feeding and watering them all. We even got some fencing done and long reined the horse and ponies.
I am starting to feel that I am a bit more perky than I was (and family, the doctors, and even my new neighbour have commented how I seem much improved), but I'm still having days (several days this week) where I struggle to get out of bed or the energy to go and do anything, procrastinating with important things like sending emails or organising my finances (that need attention, particularly while on sick pay), or cleaning the house, dishes, clothes that aren't a lot of work once you get into them, but take motivation or determination to start.
I'm starting back at work next week - just a couple of afternoons for the first couple of weeks to see how that goes, building it up step by step. I think the routine and a different viewpoint will be immensely helpful at this point.
One thing that I do think helps, and have been advised to do by the doctors and support workers is to try to connect with things I enjoy, and people and the like. So I'm trying to get back my sense of purpose by going back to work, getting interactive with this forum again (I learn a lot from it as well as trying to impart some sort of knowledge of my own).
I have done a little spinning, though would like to do more, and maybe in company, but can't see any spinning clubs/guilds for some miles, though I know my head nurse was interested, so when I'm back to work I'll see if she wants to come over some time. I'm toying with trying to tag in on a BritSpin group, but it seems such a long way in the future I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to anything like that just yet!
I'm also feeling positive about getting the ponies going as well, having longreined both of them twice this week, and finishing breaking them to harness will be a real achievement. And if I can reback my horse, I'll be able to ride, which will help my hypermobile sacroiliac joint (I found out last week, after 12 years of clunking and pain that I thought originated in my hip that it's actually my sacroiliac that doesn't stay in the right place when I finally was at the physio when it was off, as usually every time I've seen a medical professional, it's fixed itself just in time!)
I also want to keep producing excellent livestock and meat. Being on a smaller area of grazing with no outbuildings and 20 minutes away from my home, I'm intending to downsize the animals a bit, particularly before winter to make sure there is enough shelter space for the goats, and the grass will support them and it will be as little work as possible through the dark nights especially! So if anyone is interested, I will post some ads in the marketplace.
I know there's a lot of knowledgable and caring people on here. As a (too) busy person who has autistic tendencies and struggles to socialise and make friendships, I guess this is probably one of my greatest outlets to connect with people and friends. So I want to reconnect with you all and re-engage with this community that I like so much.
That's all for now. Thanks for listening to my ranting