The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: fsmnutter on April 28, 2018, 04:07:59 pm
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Hi guys
I feel like I need to open up a bit about why I've been missing so long and am now back on the forum.
Some of you may know that my ex (verdifish on here) left me in the summer after 9 years, via Facebook while he was in Australia. It completely took me by surprise, and I think I went into a kind of shock, continuing to go to work, look after the animals and getting my head down to spend as little time thinking about people, socialising and relationships as possible.
I then had to move house, and obviously the animals too, and I thought I had a farmhouse and land lined up, but the farmer had obviously had misgivings that I hadn't realised, and he decided it wasn't going to work, so with 6 weeks until I was supposed to be moved by, I had to find somewhere to keep the animals (then after a further week, I was given the demand from the landlady to move the animals off her fields within a week - so managed to find a friend of a friend to board my 66 sheep as they wouldn't fit in the barn, and got the 24 goats and 22 pigs moved into the barns, which was tighter than I would like, but kept them safe). I managed to then find a field for the goats and a nice scrubby woodland area for the pigs to rent from a local estate, and managed to get some electric fences in position to make them reasonably livestock proof (obviously being animals, there have been a couple of escapes, of pigs and goats since, requiring tweaking of various areas of fencing to avoid shorts and ensure gaps were filled!). I found a flat to rent that would take 3 dogs and 3 cats (which was harder than I though!), and managed to almost get moved by the end of February, but came a cropper when the snow hit, as I couldn't finish moving my belongings (all furniture and most stuff moved by end Feb, but a few boxes from study/utility room in particular not moved by that point), cleaning the house and getting the livestock and their accoutrements out. The landlady got impatient and moved back in on 4th March, and finished the cleaning herself (and is now refusing to return my deposit because of this, and the "damage" the pigs have made to the grass (which given time will grow back, is less likely to be an ongoing problem than the poached area the horses made after being in that field for a month or two at her request, never mind the years of neglect that field has had with extremely rutted and wet areas from being grazed exclusively by horses) and the sheep/goats chewing bark on her trees that has supposedly killed several). I had problems with the roof on the goat shelter at my new field as the permanent roofing didn't arrive until much later and the tarpaulin (s - I had to buy a second as the first was too weak to hold!) ripped off a few times and needed extra help to get refitted - particularly in the winds following the snow. I managed to get all the livestock moved in by 11th March, and the permanent roof fitted on the shelter on 17th March.
During all of the stress of moving, I had some considerable help and support from family and friends, but my mum suggested I needed to go to the doctor as she suspected I had been depressed for some time and been hiding it. To which I agreed it was most likely the case, but I was probably hiding it from myself as much as anyone else! So I went to the doctor on 13th March, and started antidepressants. Whether it was the side effects of the medications (I was nauseous from an hour or two after the first tablet), or stress from moving etc, or the comedown following such stress, the flu bug that was going around, or some combination, I was absolutely exhausted after helping fit the roof on the Saturday morning, had a cry while chatting to my mum on facebook in a layby, went home for a sleep and afterwards still felt completely overwhelmed, crying everywhere, including a full on sobbing fit in front of the fridge after I opened it to try and make some toast and feeling so nauseous I couldn't eat all weekend. I had such a bad headache and photophobia on Sunday that I spent all day in bed or a darkened room and the NHS 24 saw me out of hours to check me over and give me treatment for the nausea and headache. I stopped those tablets and saw the doctors again later in the week and ended up on new antidepressants and signed off work for a fortnight. I spent some time building back up to eating due to the nausea, struggling to get out of bed, feeding the livestock a bare minimum frequency to keep them alive as I had no strength, motivation or ability to get up and do anything.
I was signed off work for a further 4 weeks, but over the last 4 weeks, I have been gradually feeling like I've had more good days than bad, and been able to start trying to do more positive things, I've been swimming with my sister and neice a couple of times, been to a family lunch out, visited my dad and stepmum for dinner (3 hours drive away), I had our Saturday receptionist over the last two weekends as she wants to be a vet student so I could give her some experience with the goats and pigs in particular and we got foot trimming, goat vaccinations, worming and weight measurements done as well as castrating the rig I had this year, and split up and fenced the pigs, as well as feeding and watering them all. We even got some fencing done and long reined the horse and ponies.
I am starting to feel that I am a bit more perky than I was (and family, the doctors, and even my new neighbour have commented how I seem much improved), but I'm still having days (several days this week) where I struggle to get out of bed or the energy to go and do anything, procrastinating with important things like sending emails or organising my finances (that need attention, particularly while on sick pay), or cleaning the house, dishes, clothes that aren't a lot of work once you get into them, but take motivation or determination to start.
I'm starting back at work next week - just a couple of afternoons for the first couple of weeks to see how that goes, building it up step by step. I think the routine and a different viewpoint will be immensely helpful at this point.
One thing that I do think helps, and have been advised to do by the doctors and support workers is to try to connect with things I enjoy, and people and the like. So I'm trying to get back my sense of purpose by going back to work, getting interactive with this forum again (I learn a lot from it as well as trying to impart some sort of knowledge of my own).
I have done a little spinning, though would like to do more, and maybe in company, but can't see any spinning clubs/guilds for some miles, though I know my head nurse was interested, so when I'm back to work I'll see if she wants to come over some time. I'm toying with trying to tag in on a BritSpin group, but it seems such a long way in the future I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to anything like that just yet!
I'm also feeling positive about getting the ponies going as well, having longreined both of them twice this week, and finishing breaking them to harness will be a real achievement. And if I can reback my horse, I'll be able to ride, which will help my hypermobile sacroiliac joint (I found out last week, after 12 years of clunking and pain that I thought originated in my hip that it's actually my sacroiliac that doesn't stay in the right place when I finally was at the physio when it was off, as usually every time I've seen a medical professional, it's fixed itself just in time!)
I also want to keep producing excellent livestock and meat. Being on a smaller area of grazing with no outbuildings and 20 minutes away from my home, I'm intending to downsize the animals a bit, particularly before winter to make sure there is enough shelter space for the goats, and the grass will support them and it will be as little work as possible through the dark nights especially! So if anyone is interested, I will post some ads in the marketplace.
I know there's a lot of knowledgable and caring people on here. As a (too) busy person who has autistic tendencies and struggles to socialise and make friendships, I guess this is probably one of my greatest outlets to connect with people and friends. So I want to reconnect with you all and re-engage with this community that I like so much.
That's all for now. Thanks for listening to my ranting :)
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:hug: :hug: :hug:
Cripes. Well done for getting through it! And well done for opening up about it on here too. You know you’re amongst friends and likeminded people to boot so it makes perfect sense to talk here - but I suspect many of us would hide away, so good on you for being more sensible than that :).
Sounds like you’ve managed amazingly to get all the animals and yourself homed, and at a very tricky time of year too. You must have been on autopilot getting all that lot sorted out, no wonder you collapsed once you had everyone safe and could afford to deal with the emotional side of it all.
Welcome back - and rant away, whenever you need :hug:
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It is good to have you back and whilst there are a few relentlessly cheerful people on this planet most struggle from time to time.
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Sorry to hear your problems but good to hear you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. On the spinning front have you heard of the Portsoy Bothy? They have a spinning group that meets regularly and I think they are somehow tied in with the Portsoy yarn festival. They are on facebook if that helps -- there are a few spinners in you area I think. Good luck for the future!
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Hi guys
I feel like I need to open up a bit about why I've been missing so long and am now back on the forum.
Some of you may know that my ex (verdifish on here) left me in the summer after 9 years, via Facebook while he was in Australia. It completely took me by surprise, and I think I went into a kind of shock, continuing to go to work, look after the animals and getting my head down to spend as little time thinking about people, socialising and relationships as possible.
I then had to move house, and obviously the animals too, and I thought I had a farmhouse and land lined up, but the farmer had obviously had misgivings that I hadn't realised, and he decided it wasn't going to work, so with 6 weeks until I was supposed to be moved by, I had to find somewhere to keep the animals (then after a further week, I was given the demand from the landlady to move the animals off her fields within a week - so managed to find a friend of a friend to board my 66 sheep as they wouldn't fit in the barn, and got the 24 goats and 22 pigs moved into the barns, which was tighter than I would like, but kept them safe). I managed to then find a field for the goats and a nice scrubby woodland area for the pigs to rent from a local estate, and managed to get some electric fences in position to make them reasonably livestock proof (obviously being animals, there have been a couple of escapes, of pigs and goats since, requiring tweaking of various areas of fencing to avoid shorts and ensure gaps were filled!). I found a flat to rent that would take 3 dogs and 3 cats (which was harder than I though!), and managed to almost get moved by the end of February, but came a cropper when the snow hit, as I couldn't finish moving my belongings (all furniture and most stuff moved by end Feb, but a few boxes from study/utility room in particular not moved by that point), cleaning the house and getting the livestock and their accoutrements out. The landlady got impatient and moved back in on 4th March, and finished the cleaning herself (and is now refusing to return my deposit because of this, and the "damage" the pigs have made to the grass (which given time will grow back, is less likely to be an ongoing problem than the poached area the horses made after being in that field for a month or two at her request, never mind the years of neglect that field has had with extremely rutted and wet areas from being grazed exclusively by horses) and the sheep/goats chewing bark on her trees that has supposedly killed several). I had problems with the roof on the goat shelter at my new field as the permanent roofing didn't arrive until much later and the tarpaulin (s - I had to buy a second as the first was too weak to hold!) ripped off a few times and needed extra help to get refitted - particularly in the winds following the snow. I managed to get all the livestock moved in by 11th March, and the permanent roof fitted on the shelter on 17th March.
During all of the stress of moving, I had some considerable help and support from family and friends, but my mum suggested I needed to go to the doctor as she suspected I had been depressed for some time and been hiding it. To which I agreed it was most likely the case, but I was probably hiding it from myself as much as anyone else! So I went to the doctor on 13th March, and started antidepressants. Whether it was the side effects of the medications (I was nauseous from an hour or two after the first tablet), or stress from moving etc, or the comedown following such stress, the flu bug that was going around, or some combination, I was absolutely exhausted after helping fit the roof on the Saturday morning, had a cry while chatting to my mum on facebook in a layby, went home for a sleep and afterwards still felt completely overwhelmed, crying everywhere, including a full on sobbing fit in front of the fridge after I opened it to try and make some toast and feeling so nauseous I couldn't eat all weekend. I had such a bad headache and photophobia on Sunday that I spent all day in bed or a darkened room and the NHS 24 saw me out of hours to check me over and give me treatment for the nausea and headache. I stopped those tablets and saw the doctors again later in the week and ended up on new antidepressants and signed off work for a fortnight. I spent some time building back up to eating due to the nausea, struggling to get out of bed, feeding the livestock a bare minimum frequency to keep them alive as I had no strength, motivation or ability to get up and do anything.
I was signed off work for a further 4 weeks, but over the last 4 weeks, I have been gradually feeling like I've had more good days than bad, and been able to start trying to do more positive things, I've been swimming with my sister and neice a couple of times, been to a family lunch out, visited my dad and stepmum for dinner (3 hours drive away), I had our Saturday receptionist over the last two weekends as she wants to be a vet student so I could give her some experience with the goats and pigs in particular and we got foot trimming, goat vaccinations, worming and weight measurements done as well as castrating the rig I had this year, and split up and fenced the pigs, as well as feeding and watering them all. We even got some fencing done and long reined the horse and ponies.
I am starting to feel that I am a bit more perky than I was (and family, the doctors, and even my new neighbour have commented how I seem much improved), but I'm still having days (several days this week) where I struggle to get out of bed or the energy to go and do anything, procrastinating with important things like sending emails or organising my finances (that need attention, particularly while on sick pay), or cleaning the house, dishes, clothes that aren't a lot of work once you get into them, but take motivation or determination to start.
I'm starting back at work next week - just a couple of afternoons for the first couple of weeks to see how that goes, building it up step by step. I think the routine and a different viewpoint will be immensely helpful at this point.
One thing that I do think helps, and have been advised to do by the doctors and support workers is to try to connect with things I enjoy, and people and the like. So I'm trying to get back my sense of purpose by going back to work, getting interactive with this forum again (I learn a lot from it as well as trying to impart some sort of knowledge of my own).
I have done a little spinning, though would like to do more, and maybe in company, but can't see any spinning clubs/guilds for some miles, though I know my head nurse was interested, so when I'm back to work I'll see if she wants to come over some time. I'm toying with trying to tag in on a BritSpin group, but it seems such a long way in the future I'm not sure I'm ready to commit to anything like that just yet!
I'm also feeling positive about getting the ponies going as well, having longreined both of them twice this week, and finishing breaking them to harness will be a real achievement. And if I can reback my horse, I'll be able to ride, which will help my hypermobile sacroiliac joint (I found out last week, after 12 years of clunking and pain that I thought originated in my hip that it's actually my sacroiliac that doesn't stay in the right place when I finally was at the physio when it was off, as usually every time I've seen a medical professional, it's fixed itself just in time!)
I also want to keep producing excellent livestock and meat. Being on a smaller area of grazing with no outbuildings and 20 minutes away from my home, I'm intending to downsize the animals a bit, particularly before winter to make sure there is enough shelter space for the goats, and the grass will support them and it will be as little work as possible through the dark nights especially! So if anyone is interested, I will post some ads in the marketplace.
I know there's a lot of knowledgable and caring people on here. As a (too) busy person who has autistic tendencies and struggles to socialise and make friendships, I guess this is probably one of my greatest outlets to connect with people and friends. So I want to reconnect with you all and re-engage with this community that I like so much.
That's all for now. Thanks for listening to my ranting :)
Good to have you back x and i am really sorry about what's happened, can't have been easy tbh. We are all here for you and its amazing to have you back :) look forward to reading more of your posts :thumbsup::thumbsup:
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Sorry to hear your problems but good to hear you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. On the spinning front have you heard of the Portsoy Bothy? They have a spinning group that meets regularly and I think they are somehow tied in with the Portsoy yarn festival. They are on facebook if that helps -- there are a few spinners in you area I think. Good luck for the future!
I have heard of the portsoy bothy, unfortunately I moved to the Laurencekirk area a year and a half ago (probably time I checked and updated my profile!), so it's now a bit far and haven't seen anything close.
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Great to see you re-engaging! Am hoping to meet up with a mutual friend for dinner in the next week or so probably around half way ... if you want to join us, you'd be more than welcome... will let you know the details once we've worked out the details.
That does sound nice, let me know and I'll see what's happening then.
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Well done .... amazing journey ..... hardly surprising you were depressed .... I find I cant take my tablets (for SAD) on an empty stomach or I feel nauseous ... so I always take after breakfast.
Don't worry if some days you struggle to do anything ... it will slowly improve, especially as you are now reengaging with friends and opening up about how you have been. (ditch anyone who is even slightly negative about how things are going) .
High dose Vit D tablets are worth adding to your diet as can have considerable affect on mood.... especially up in your latitude (I couldn't live that far north!)
:hug: pat on the back for getting 'back in the saddle'
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Just sending :hug: , you have had a rough time but I'm glad you are back, we are all here for you.
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Well done .... amazing journey ..... hardly surprising you were depressed .... I find I cant take my tablets (for SAD) on an empty stomach or I feel nauseous ... so I always take after breakfast.
Don't worry if some days you struggle to do anything ... it will slowly improve, especially as you are now reengaging with friends and opening up about how you have been. (ditch anyone who is even slightly negative about how things are going) .
High dose Vit D tablets are worth adding to your diet as can have considerable affect on mood.... especially up in your latitude (I couldn't live that far north!)
:hug: pat on the back for getting 'back in the saddle'
Thanks for the support. I had been taking vitamin D and magnesium for a while, but stopped when I ran out some time ago. I have started taking the magnesium again, particularly as I was having some cravings that suggested I needed it (salt and dairy - which is always unusual for me as I'm allergic to cows milk so it's never been the biggest part of my diet, as goat's milk and alternative products were rare when I was young) I will probably get some vitamin D as well to see if that helps further.
I am stuck between a rock and a hard place regarding latitude, as I suffer SAD and heatstroke! I find even working hard on a sunny Scottish summer's day can make me quite ill, and I have been physically sick when south of the border with little effort (certainly couldn't work as a mixed vet or work on the farm!). I have a daylight alarm clock which makes a massive difference, particularly in the winter, allowing me to wake up a bit rather than having to drag my barely conscious body to work! You never know, the SSRI I'm taking now may well help with SAD when it comes to that time of year again.
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Goodness, you've been through more than a lot people could cope with and you're still standing so well done. It's not surprising that you broke down. The shock of finding your relationship had ended like you did was bad enough but being left with everything to cope with as well, you must be a very strong person to have got as far as you did before your mind and body had had enough.
Now it seems like you are on the up. I'm sure spring is helping, even if it's not too sure if it's here or not, and you are making plans for the future which is very positive.
You may still need to rant occasionally and we're here for you so rant away whenever you need to.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
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:hug: :hug: from me. you've done amazingly well!
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Less animals will make life a bit easier which will be better for your health. It will take a while for you to get back to full working order so best not to expect too much of yourself. Talking to others does help as just knowing someone is there if we need them can be the boost to carry on and not fall into a big black hole of no hope. Take Care :hug:
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:hug: Reducing stock numbers and associated workload will have benefits especially next winter. Summer is coming along with the longer, lighter days. It has been a horrid winter for anyone with stock let alone a single person with a bug and depression. Having got through this last winter you should be over the hump and be able to start forward planning your life. Good luck and chin up.
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Sorry to hear your problems but good to hear you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. On the spinning front have you heard of the Portsoy Bothy? They have a spinning group that meets regularly and I think they are somehow tied in with the Portsoy yarn festival. They are on facebook if that helps -- there are a few spinners in you area I think. Good luck for the future!
I have heard of the portsoy bothy, unfortunately I moved to the Laurencekirk area a year and a half ago (probably time I checked and updated my profile!), so it's now a bit far and haven't seen anything close.
Now then, you're not that far from [member=26680]Magnusmog[/member] then; she's a spinner and knitter, perhaps she can help
I had a look at my YarnMaker, it lists Angus Spinners 3rd Sunday of the month 1-4pm, The Guide Hall, Myre Car Park, Forfar DD8 1HZ. Sheila Hawick is the contact, PM me if you want her phone number.
As well as Jeni, I have another spinning friend in Forfar - I could connect you on Ravelry but she's not on here.
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Sending :hug: :hug: :hug: . What a time you have had. No wonder you were overwhelmed but so glad you're feeling more positive. It may be inappropriate to say so, but cut me wome slack - I hope big Australian sharky, spidery, snakey things are attached to someone's arse.
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I think that what you have achieved is amazing, and you should be very proud of yourself. You seem to be over the difficult transition part of your life and making plans for the future. Brilliant! Remember that you will still have occasional Black Dog days. Just accept that they are happening, and let them pass. :hug:
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I've spoken to a few smallholders and farmers recently who have said that if they knew every winter was going to be like the one we've just had, they'd throw in the towel now. I know I certainly felt like it at times. Yet you somehow managed to move house, find space for your livestock, AND keep them all alive, despite all that you've been going through? I have deep respect for that.
So now spring is springing, cut yourself as much slack as you possibly can. I think after a hard winter, we all need to reconnect with why we're doing this - let the smallholding lifestyle give back to us a little, instead of it feeling like a constant struggle. For me, it was enough to sit with the lambs for half an hour on Friday and watch them run races around me. Make sure you do something similar :hug: .
As a (too) busy person who has autistic tendencies and struggles to socialise and make friendships......
;D Another one, huh? :wave:
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Jeni has forgotten her logon, but says
I'm quite relatively near Laurencekirk and there's still a spinning group on in Forfar at the days you mentioned. I haven't been for years just because of busyness but I know it still goes on. It's not a guild thing, just an informal group but they are friendly.
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It may be inappropriate to say so, but cut me wome slack - I hope big Australian sharky, spidery, snakey things are attached to someone's arse.
In similar circs, my GBF had me rename the ex-hub’s entry on my phone to “Selfish %4^ker” - so every time he called or texted, I’d a) be reminded what he was and b) answer with a smile in my voice. :roflanim:
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There's a lot of us spin :spin: and knit :knit: too... ;)
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It may be inappropriate to say so, but cut me wome slack - I hope big Australian sharky, spidery, snakey things are attached to someone's arse.
In similar circs, my GBF had me rename the ex-hub’s entry on my phone to “Selfish %4^ker” - so every time he called or texted, I’d a) be reminded what he was and b) answer with a smile in my voice. :roflanim:
Why didn't you just delete it?
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It may be inappropriate to say so, but cut me wome slack - I hope big Australian sharky, spidery, snakey things are attached to someone's arse.
In similar circs, my GBF had me rename the ex-hub’s entry on my phone to “Selfish %4^ker” - so every time he called or texted, I’d a) be reminded what he was and b) answer with a smile in my voice. :roflanim:
Why didn't you just delete it?
Because we had to discuss things. Once we were divorced and everything sorted, I did delete it.
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Thanks all for the support.
I think there's certain professions/hobbies etc that draw us slightly autistic types, I think there's definite affinities with animals - vets and farmers/smallholders, as well as those that frequent chat forum type things as it's a bit less direct contact with people and so easier for us to manage. And spinning/knitting etc occupies the fingers, I think we need distractions like that.
Sally you're a star, I should definitely be able to do something with a Sunday afternoon spinning group in Forfar, how exciting to have that to look forward to.
I've thought similar thoughts, unfortunately the Australian flora and fauna didn't get hold of him before he got back to his new blonde vet in Switzerland - good luck to her! But I also feel frequently how much better off I am - within days I was coming across things I didn't miss - smoking, drinking, leaving the toilet seat up, to all the little things you know annoyed you that you can do differently or have noone to complain about them!
Anyway, I think I'm starting to appreciate living with just animals and gradually starting to enjoy life again after all the hiccups.
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That is a very positive attitude to take. Forget the good bits about him and focus on the bad. I tried to do that with my ex but then realised there weren't any good bits to forget.
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Wow fsmnutter, I think you are amazing to come through all that, and keeping up with all the animals at the same time! phew!. and great you are back with us, I've missed your input, but its even nicer to know you must feel among friends and could open up on here and tell us how how you are feeling, sounds like you are definitely on the up ;D .
When someone was once feeling a bit put out by a response I said I feel we are like a group of friends sat round a table chatting, as a group we've laughed, cried, argued and sympathized with each other I still love this forum, and when one of the gang has been missing its nice to give a welcoming hug on their return, so welcome back t the family fsmnutter :hug: .
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Welcome back, so happy to have you back with us. :hug:
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There is a spinning group in Forfar, I can get details about it for you.