[scattybiker1972]

the best thing is that they are well mannered,to other people at least and they do know right from wrong.something the local normal chavs cant seem to get right.and even though were not getting on yet,im proud of them. sob  

[MiriMaran]

We now have an appointment on 25th Jan with the Head and Harry's teachers to discuss the Individual Education Plan.  Does anyone have any suggestions about what to say/ask?  Any experience of IEPs?  I can see myself going to the appointment and just agreeing with everything the Head/Teachers say and feeling a bit out of my depth.

I have also given the teachers an El Campino ADHD questionaire to fill in so I can take it to the Doctor with me on Thursday when I go to ask for a referral to the Clinical Psychologist.

I've been dithering for 4 years now about whether we needed to get Harry some help and now that I'm doing it it feels really surreal - almost as though someone else is doing it and I'm just watching.  I feel good that I'm now getting the ball rolling, but it all feels very wierd.

[scattybiker1972]

2 of my kids had ieps it means that they get the help they need.
write a list of questions to take,
take a pen and paper too.
ask things like what support can he get off school,other  authorty type people? what is offered in your district
how will they work with you as a parent?
what support/help is available to you?
they may or may not have all the answers but my friend works in liverpool adhd support il find it and post it,it may be of some help/

[MiriMaran]

That would be brilliant - thanks

[scattybiker1972]

http://liverpooladhd.org.uk/aboutadhd/whatisadhd.htm


hope this helps,it may or may not be what you are looking for but at least ball is rolling now  hope that whatever the problem is it gets sorted out., but even going to a support group for the parents is helpful, x

[little blue]

IEPs are great... if they're done properly by people who know what they're doing.
It will (hopefully) identify Harry's strengths and how these can be used to help overcome his 'problem' areas.
ie, his wonderful inquistitiveness could be encouraged to maybe research, finding out all he can about a subject, while the rest of the class carry on with whatever (say, if he finds it hard to sit still for stories or something)
If he needs a member of staff to enable him to do this, the school can approach the LEA for one-to-one support, for whatever number of hours is appropriate.  This might take a battle, but if the school can see how it could help them manage H, then great!  It would also give you a more direct point of contact to help moniter how he's getting on.

If the school and C.Psych make the effort now, then trust me, it will be so much better in the long run for all of you.

As SB72 says, take a list to help you keep track, talk it over as a family first if you can, to keep everyone especially H involved.
If I get chance, I'll have a look at work what format Derbyshire's IEPs are, to give you a heads up on what things it'll include.
All the best
x

[marigold]

If you feel as though you need time to think, ask for time to think and write in afterwards. I always think that I need reflection time before endorsing things. With Ella her concerns about being identified as 'different' have always tempered what I want.
having a list of questions is a good idea. Making notes of what they report and suggest is good too.  Also ask for a forward plan and how often you can review the progress and keep in touch with the staff working with Harry. It is important that they understand that you are a pro active parent who will write letters, telephone, challange if you are unsure about what's happening. I used to worry about being seen as a pushy Mum but now I think it doesn't matter a jot what people think of me as long as my girls are treated with respect and equality.

[sabrina]

Having a stepson who has ADHD I know just how hard life can become. He is now 25 but still finds life very hard to cope with. Just lost his job but now seeking help as he talks about good and bad Colin. We did get him help at 13 years old, this was when he decided he wanted to live with his father and myself. Having had three children of my own and been a foster parent I knew he was not just being a naughty child. Once he got the right help life did become easier but when he left home to go to college then he would forget about taking his pills and get into all sorts of bother. One thing I did right away was keep a diary on his diet, things that would make him go off the wall. Fizzy drinks, sweets , sausages which he would eat by the packet if given the chance. We do have animals and he would forget that he had put the dog out in the pouring rain so when I came home poor dogs was in a right state. Leave gates open which let sheep and ponies out. Do things like forget to turn a tap off after brushing his teeth so we ran out of water. I now also have a step- grandson age 7 with ADHD, much worse than Colin and sometimes just down right evil. Very clever and can be such a sweet child but when he is bad he is dangerous. Blocked the kitchen door to keep his mum out while he cut his 3 year old sisters hair off, she was screaming but mum could not get to her. Cut his car seat belt with a pair of scissors that he sneaked into the car. Been chucked out of nursery since he was 2, schools not much better. He is now getting some treatment but it only last as long as he is at school then wears off. His mum is at her wits end and my son just does not know what the answer is. Its his sister and brother that are at risk.

[r+lchick]

http://specialed.about.com/od/iep/Individual_Education_Plan.htm
Pardon my ignorance but I didn't know what an IEP was.  So I looked it up on the internet and put a link up top which may be a help.  I don't know what you are going through as I have no children myself but having spoken people in all different walks of life I can offer this bit of info. 

A lot of educational people use shorthand in their speech.  Don't be afraid to ask what do you mean or what does, for example what does IEP mean.  They have their own code for things and if you are not in the know you can get lost.  If you have someone that speaks too fast, ask them to slow down so that you can take notes.  If you have a small dictaphone recorder, ask if anyone has objections to recording the meeting; then you can listen to it when you get home.  Still take notes as some people talk softly and it may not pick up. Make sure that all that they say will happen does and on the dates it does.  They are great for having meetings but lousy at carrying things out. (That one is from experience). 

I still can't believe that you are the one that had to instigate this.  How long was the teacher going to leave it?  If you hadn't asked after a party, it may have gone on for longer.  You have a monther's instinct that things are not right.  Good luck. 

[MiriMaran]

I think that maybe I should have got help for Harry sooner, but because I have always lived with him and am used to the little tornado that he is I hadn't realised how extreme he is until it all blew up recently.  I've had some parents making comments about him since he was 2 "does he have ADHD", "have you ever taken him to the doctor?" e.t.c. but at the time I thought he would grow out of it.

I haven't looked at the links, but will do as soon as i finish writing this and thank you so so much everyone for all your wise words.  My first job to do is to talk to Harry and tell him what is going on - I need to get the OH to take Oliver away somewhere so I can have Harry to myself.

Marigold - you are so right, my brain works fairly slowly and it takes me a while to process info and I know I will feel bamboozled during the meeting.  I have also apologised prefusely for adding to the teacher's/Head's burden which I need to stop doing!

Sabrina - I'm worried that if we don't get help for Harry he will become like Colin.  In the last month he has started getting a bit aggressive - Karate kicks, punching e.t.c he's not using full force, but that's only a matter of time.  He gave Oliver a bloody nose in the playground last term.  Oliver has been hitting Harry for a few years now and I've never been able to get him to stop - we kept telling him that one day Harry will hit him back and it'll be hard so it has finally happend.  I knew that would happen, sibling rivalry, but I'm definitely seeing an increase in Harry's pushiness in the playground at drop off and pick up time.  I wish you all the best with your stepson and stepgrandson it sounds very emotionally exhausting.

r+l chick, my OH is a policeman and is always talking in shorthand to his workmate so I'm used to being the 'stupid' one!!  I've also been wondering why things are happening at my instigation as oppsed to the school calling me in.  I'm hoping that its becasue Harry is borderline and isn't that bad, but maybe they just thought to try and sort it out in house and not bother me.  I don't know, but least the ball is now rolling.

Ruth, is it possible to get a support teacher in without Harry being Statemented?  I would be very pleased as he responds much better on an one-to-one basis.  I'd be really grateful if you could find out how Derbsyihie do it - that would be a great help.  I also have a problem that you might be able to help me with.  Harry had real problems listening.  If I tell him off and then ask him what I said he has no idea.  It happend this morning. I told him off asked him what I said he had know idea so I did it again and again he had know idea so I tapped him on the shoulder and made him look at me the whole time I spoke - I said " please do not shout here it is not fair on the people who live here.  If you do it again I am taking some of your pocket money away.  Please repreat what I said."  Even with him looking at me and looking as though he was listening intently he still couldn't tell me.  If I had whispered really quietly do you want a sweet he would have heard that fine!!  Ruth, how do I get him to focus and listen better?  Am I naggin him is that the problem?

[little blue]

Ruth, is it possible to get a support teacher in without Harry being Statemented?  I would be very pleased as he responds much better on an one-to-one basis. 

Probably not, and actually a Statement of Special Educational Needs could in the long run be a great help... It would reduce the fighting for support especially if/when H changes schools, its already in place and might even give him a transition with new 1:1s.  In this culture of CRB checks, there aren't really volunteers or 'helpers' anymore, but on the plus side, most TAs now (Teaching Assistants!) are gaining qualifications

I'd be really grateful if you could find out how Derbyshire do it - that would be a great help.

I will, if you don't need it in a hurry - I'm on compassionate leave. 

 

I also have a problem that you might be able to help me with.  Harry had real problems listening.  If I tell him off and then ask him what I said he has no idea.  It happend this morning. I told him off asked him what I said he had know idea so I did it again and again he had know idea so I tapped him on the shoulder and made him look at me the whole time I spoke - I said " please do not shout here it is not fair on the people who live here.  If you do it again I am taking some of your pocket money away.  Please repreat what I said."  Even with him looking at me and looking as though he was listening intently he still couldn't tell me.  If I had whispered really quietly do you want a sweet he would have heard that fine!!  Ruth, how do I get him to focus and listen better?  Am I naggin him is that the problem?

NO! Its not that you're nagging, though he has probably become immune to it!

Lots of possibilities... he may not realise what he has done 'wrong' and so cannot modify his behaviour, even when asked to.
...He isn't focused enough when you're telling him, so in actual fact its a waste of both your time until he is calmer
...You're giving him too much information at a time, so he cant A) isten to it all, B) process it C) Process the first part at the same time as you're finishing telling him D) Understand whats been said, D) Process the fact you've asked a question, E) formulate an appropriate answer, F) Tell you the answer

Have you tried a warnig system, eg the 'traffic liht' where he gets shown an amber colour  say twice as a warning when his behaviour is geting abit out of hand, and a red as like a Stop! signal when he will gw

[little blue]

Oh! I've spent ages typing a reply, and somehow lost half of it!
I'll carry on.....

Have you tried a warning system, like a 'Traffic Light' system - green for go, and show him an amber colour (eg a card on a keyring or something) say, twice as a warning when his behaviour is getting out of hand, then a red Stop! if he gets inappropriate and this preceeds the telling off or punishment.
If H is involved in this, eg choosing what the 'rules' are, whether he wants red and yellow cards like in football, and he understands when they will be used, it could help him start to identify which behaviour is not appropriate, and learn how to recognise when he needs to change it.
 It needs to be and consistent in order to work, and any consequence needs to be fairly quick so he realises what it relates to. (Eg, if I hit Oliver, I go to my room, then he goes straight away.  If he waits til you've unravelled who said what to who first, then he wont associate the consequence for the actual hitting)

What about a reward system, to praise all the positives and not focus on the negative stuff.  If he responds so well to  "Do you want a sweet?" then a simple reward he helps to devise might help.

Just a thought, does H respond better to information/instructions/rules etc if they're writtten down rather than spoken?
If so, who does the writing.. you and the teacher, or Harry himself?
Everyone's different, but it might make a difference!

Also, do you know what way he learns best? Ie, reading, writing, listening, doing etc?  The school or psych team might have a simple test which would then give him and the school the best way in which to help him learn
(I'll have a look if I've got it somewhere, its v good)

[scattybiker1972]

this is why parent support groups are so helpful,as well as being a shoulder to cry on they give help and support to you,and your partner,when i went you wouldnt believe how many couples had split up  or were on the verge under the strain,the thing with adhd is that the person with it sees things in a completly different way to you[ ijn fact when i went i was asked if id ever been tested and would i like ritalin 4 me]
sometimes i wish i had.
its hard to control yourself sometimes but im 38 and it took me a long time to sort myself out. by myself i might add.no ritalin.
reiki has  helped me a lot it has brought out my nice  calmer person. wish i could be more organised tho.
its better now as there is help and you are not just 'naughty' or 'daydreamer'

hope you get all the help you need and deserve.
paula

[sabrina]

My OH does have ADHD to a degree, he has taught himself how to cope, has a good job but does work by himself a lot which means he is not in a situation where he would be upsetting other people. Some times I find it hard due to the fact it took me a long time to work out if I ask him to do a job write it down as he would just forget and do his own thing. He did try some of Colin's Ritalin and was amazed how much it made him focus. Ritalin did not agree with Colin and his drugs were changed. I have to say there is hope, I sat Colin down and explained why he had no friends and if he did not take control of his life then he would be one lonely sad person. His dad was sure he would either land in jail or someone stick a knife in him. Lewis on the other hand knows just what he is doing, he has his own social worker who believed every word he said until she caught him out and was horrified that a 7 year old could be so nasty. On his own he is fine, in a group its like waiting for a bomb to go off. The last time he was here he went into the bathroom, did the toilet then spread it all over my bathroom just to upset his parents. My son was very upset and cleaned everything where I would have made Lewis do it. The other children suffer without a doubt because the child with ADHD takes over the household. It cause marriage breakups due to the constant strain and if anyone does not believe that ADHD does in fact exists then try living with it. From my own experience I can say that both my husband and Colin are clever in some ways but very easy to talk into what you want them to do which could be used against them. If my OH has a big job to do he makes a plan and sticks to it, used to drive me mad until I understood why he would do this. That's what works for him.

[MiriMaran]

Ruth, I had also wondered if I was using to many words with Harry and I think a traffic light system would be a good idea, just need to work out in my head how to work it i.e. send to bedroom at home, but what if he gets a red card when we are out?  What do I do with him then?  It needs to be immediate.  I could also do the sweetie thing so he gets positive and negative reinforcement.  I think Harry learns best from doing so he is using as many senses as possible, but I would bo very interested to do a test and find out for sure.  Is it a test I can google for?

Thats interesting Scattybiker1972 Reike keeps coming up as a way of helping calm ADHD people so I need to look into that further.  I have a friend who does acupuncture who knows alot of alternative therapy people so I will email her and see what she says.

Sabrina, I've always thought that Harry would either be incredibly successful in adult life or in jail!!!  If we can keep him on the correct path he will be a brilliantly fascinating adult, but its a long road!