[MiriMaran]

Sorry I've not been around, but I've been feeling a bit low and not very sociable at the moment.

The problems with Harry continue to grow and makes me feel so low and powerless that I just feel like a totally crap mother!  I feel like I'm trying so hard and getting everything wrong.

A couple of weeks ago Harry was invited to a party.  It dawned on me that it was the first party he had been invited to this year.  Anyway when I collected him from the party the Mum told me he had been lovely, but I found out later that infact he had been so excited he was uncontrollable.  He was never mean, but was literally bouncing off the walls.  I phoned the Mum to get the low down and she very honestly and bravely told me that she felt nervous having him in the house as she had no control and that she was concerned about what influence Harry has on her child in the classroom.  On talking to some other Mums I have now found out that some mums don't allow Harry to be invited to parties because they are nervous of his behaviour!  It had never entered my head that his behaviour could be affecting his social life and this new revelation hit me pretty hard.

So I decided to talk to his teacher and promptly burst into tears!  She said that he was very full on in the classroom and consequently high maintenance and that he is very bright, but doesn't focus.  She decided to start a smile chart to encourage him to have better behaviour.  I wasn't completely convinced as he gets bored of charts within a week.

Anyway I started thinking that maybe we should be getting him an appointment with a Clinical Psychologist so that we can learn how to contain his extreme behaviour so that he can conform better.  Harry's personality is so big and extreme whether it is anger, excitement or sadness - he needs to reduce his reactions to situations.

Last weekend he was invited to another party - a football party at the local leisure centre, which is far better suited to him rather than the previous party that was in the person's house.  So last Sunday he went to Rugby and played for 2 hours and got Man of The Match and after a quick bath we went off to the party with me thinking I'll stay for the party to keep an eye on him, but it'll all be OK.  Mmmmmm!

Harry's arch enemy had also been invited.  This is the boy who's mother sent me the unpleasant text messages a couple of months ago.  He seems like a rather bad tempered child and is definitely the naughty child of the class who spits at the teachers, tears up books and kicks the teachers!

Anyway, they played football.  This other lad was coming off crying every time someone so much as touched him, deliberately tripping people up e.t.c  Then the children had to form a queue to all have a go at shooting into goal - the other lad kept pushing Harry out of the queue and shouting at him to get to the back.  Harry went to the back - this happend at least 5 or 6 time and then Harry had had enough and did a karate kick at the other lad, but at least a metre away.  So, this lad runs off crying saying Harry kicked him and then began to cower and flinch every time Harry walked past him.  It was an oscar winning performance!

Then the children went into the party room for their food and this lad kept needling away at Harry.  Harry would eventually explode and then the other lad would cry and complain to one of the adults. I found it so hard to watch and not interfere that I went into the girls loos and weeped!

I know Harry is no angel and was maybe more restrained because I was there, but I just felt so sad for him that this must happen to him every day at school.  I know all the other children say that Harry and this other boy fight allot in class.  The idea that Harry has to go all therough primary school with this boy is so depressing and potentially damaging.  Since being at school I've seen Harry become more aggressive and wonder if there is a connection.

So, on the 14th January I've got an appointment to see a doctor to try and get on the waiting list for a Clinical Psychologist so that we can sort out Harry's excesses of emotions, but also to try and give him ways of coping with this other boy.

The whole thing has just really dragged me down as I feel there is so little that I can do and the school can only tell me so much as they have to protect confidentiality!

Argh!!!!!

[jameslindsay]

That is so sad and must be hell for all concerned. Children can be so cruel. I hope you manage to get things sorted out quickly and you can all get on with a happy life. Very best wishes to you all.  It's nice to have you back.

[HappyHippy]

Oh honey, I know just what you're going through 
There are people who can help, and places you can go to talk to other mum's in the same situation. Ask your GP or the Psychologist and they'll put you in touch with them. I can't reckomend Reiki enough for having a calming effect on Kaitlin. I know that I feel it's so heartbreaking to think of your baby, sad and alone in school, or not getting the most out of their education because they can't rein it in enough to interact with the other kids. Kaitlin's not been invited to any parties since she started school in the summer, but it doesn't seem to bother her in the slightest - she's too busy to notice. It's hard not to get down when you see or hear people's reactions to how your child behaves, but these people don't know even the half of the story, do they ? Their kids are obviously 'normal' and they don't even begin to understand how difficult it is to deal with 'challenging' behaviour and how much it wears you down, how sad it makes you and how their reaction just makes it worse. I'm right here with you on this one Miri, they don't know the strength and determination you have to just get through every day (well, for me anyway ) I'd like to see how they would cope with Kaitlin for half an hour, never mind 24 hours a day ! Don't let it get to you, your family is the most important thing here - it doesn't mtter in the slightest what anyone else thinks, you've just got to keep on going for their sake, be strong for them and make sure they're okay. Then, when they're tucked up in bed have a good old cry with a glass of wine. Harry will be fine, he's got you as his mum and I know you're going to make damn sure he gets the help and support he needs. Just take each day at a time, give yourself a break now and then and don't sweat the small stuff.
If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to 'vent' to, I'm right here - knowing EXACTLY how you feel.
Take care and give those boys a big hug from me,
Karen xx

[ballingall]

MiriMaran,

I feel so bad for you. But you have great friends here, and you shouldn't keep away unless you need to. We're all here if you need to talk, and even those of us who haven't been through something similar, we still can sympathise and feel for you too.

Beth

[doganjo]

Listen, I'm not convinced your son is the one needing help.  The other kid is winding him up all the time.  When did Harry's bad behaviour start?  Maybe he is a bit wild but I'll bet it got worse  when he started school?  I would have him moved to another class or another school even.  I have even moved house to get away from a kid that was a particularly bad influence

[JulieS]

It's good to have you back Mirimaran.

So sorry to hear your reasons for not being around.  My thoughts and love are with you.
 

[ukag0972]

I can totally sympathise!
I stopped talking my son to peoples houses, he was a nightmare. He wanted to touch their things and couldn't sit still. He only went to parties if I could stay with him as he got so exited that it could turn very "rough".
We had issues when he first started school as some kids thought it funny to wind him upcand watch him explode. They also found it funny to get him to do stupid stuff, he was so desperate foe friends that he did it to get their attention. He once threw his shoes in the burn for a laugh!

Rest assured, there is help there, but don't let them blame you! It's their first reaction to blame the parent but learn to percevere and not to take their critisisms to heart.

We are here if you need some broad shoulders!
Lee

[Snoopy]

Ohh so sad you are having it tough, we really missed you, and are pleased to have you back.

Youre a great mum, and you are doing all that you can, do not be so hard on yourself.

I had a similar situation with Tara for four years, the two bullies, a boy and a girl, were at her every day
and she would get angry and have outbursts in the class ( a red haired Gemini who is very bright).  Anyway
the teachers always said it was Tara and that she was too sensitive and always "throwing the head" in class.

The two bullies left last June, and Tara has a lovely scholl life now, and has secured a place in Sligo Grammar School
for next September as a border - where hopefully, she will have a clean start in a new school with girls of her age
sharing a dorm and having fun.

I wanted to move her, and Joe said not to, but on reflection we should have moved her to another school, and it might
be a good idea to look around at alternatives.  Could you home teach for a couple of years, you might get help with a teacher,
or is there a school that specialises in kids that are bright but hard to keep focused in your area?

Its not the end of the world, although I know its breaking your heart, for him, bless.  He is more resiliant than you think
and will be a stronger character for the experience, Tara definately is, and she has a great sense of humour and realises that
it was not entirely here fault, and that kids can be cruel.

The teachers cannot believe how wonderful Tara is and how much more she takes part in the class and heling others, before, the two bullies told all the school not to talk to her, so she was a loner - now she is the one everyone looks up to and asks for help

There is light at the end of the tunnel, and you will be helped and get through it - keep in touch with us all, we all send you our love.

Julie x

[Hilarysmum]

Mirimaran its lovely to see you back, please keep posting, if only for the support from all your friends on here. 

[sheila]

I was so sorry to read your post. You must feel so alone and sad.I am thinking of you and wishing you well. Keep posting, it will help you to put your thoughts down and there will always be someone who will reply.
Sheila x

[shetlandpaul]

i would speak to your sons headteacher. being classed as high maintance is a clear sign that the teacher is an idiot. if the school have not recognised and started the process of ed pych and other interventions then insist that they do. you are doing the right thing by wanting to get your son seen by a specialist. it was not until my daughter had reports from her doctor and others that they would do anything. if in england expect to fight for the help. the ed pych that the county counil will send will have an agenda to avoid giving out statements of educational need. if the school or ouncil are being a pain request formally that an assesment is made. they have then strict time limits to do things in. the are many website and forums that will help. try dyslexia related ones.

i really understand what your going through until my daughter was being taught and treat properly she was a very unhappy little girl. good luck

[MiriMaran]

Wow thank you so much everyone for your kind words - I feel like I've just had 10 big bear hugs!

Kaitlin's not been invited to any parties since she started school in the summer, but it doesn't seem to bother her in the slightest - she's too busy to notice.

Thankfully Harry is exactly the same and hasn't noticed.  Infact I hadn't noticed until he got the invite to the first party - I was so excited for him that we turned up a week early at the wrong time with Harry dressed as a cowboy when it was a Harry Potter party!!   The parents must think I'm a nutter!

Listen, I'm not convinced your son is the one needing help.  The other kid is winding him up all the time.  When did Harry's bad behaviour start?  Maybe he is a bit wild but I'll bet it got worse  when he started school?

I agree with this totally Doganjo, but need to find out whether Harry can be just as bad as this other lad although I think it is very unlikely.  Harry's shouting and agressive refusal do things began when he started school and sometimes I see him pulling faces that are the mirror image of this other boy.  I don't think the school will put Harry in a different class this year, but come the summer term that is exactly what I will be fighting for for the next academic year.  I would be nervous of moving him to another school as it could be out of the frying pan and into the fire, but it is an option I'll keep in the back of my head.

ukag0972, Harry had exactly the same problem in reception.  He accidently poohed himself in class and when the children laughed at him for a while he started doing it on purpose.  Then he realised they were laughing at him not with him, but felt so anxious about it he lost the ability to control himself.  Thankfully it sorted itself out before our appointment with the Encoparesis Unit came through!

Could you home teach for a couple of years,

  Snoopy, I'd go mad if I was stuck with Harry all day!!!  He's so full on that I often feel like I'm suffocating and can't breath.  Its an awful thing to say about my child, but its true!

Thank you shetlandpaul for the advice - I think you are right - I will fight to get what ever is needed to help Harry.  Until recently I've never thought of Harry as being unhappy, but now I wonder if his quick temper and lack of control is an expression of unhappiness/frustration.  I also wonder how much of it is acting.

My Older son is having extra tutoring at school after the holidays so I approached the Headmistrss to say how pleased I was.  After chatting about that she said that Harry's teacher had told her that I was planning to get Harry seen by a Clinical Pyschologist and did I think that he had ADHD?!  HOW SHOULD I KNOW I felt like shouting your the one with the experience, you tell me!  I didn't of course I just said i thought he may be borderline and scuttled off!

Hey ho, better go, I've got a funeral to go to this afternoon - my first ever customer , when I started up gardening, died last week.  She was a lovely old lady with many a story to tell - I'll miss her.

[little blue]

Hi Miri, did wonder why you were quiet, but didnt like to ask.
Harry is a lovely little boy, yes okay he's a handful, but it sounds like the other kids and parents have a lot to do with some of the things.
The school should be far more supportive if they have identified H as having problems, is there an Educational Pysch the school or LEA uses? It might be quicker, if the school genuinely thinks it would help (and if they dont, then stick two fingers up at the other parents and tell them your son isnt the one with the problem!)

Thinking of you all, you know where I am if you want to talk, and check your e-mails!

 

[Fluffywelshsheep]

Hiya sorry to hear your having problems at school , Is their anyway to view the situation with out the children knowing ? then you can judge for yourself.
I would definatly consider moving your boy to a different school if you can. See what the Pysch says .


Linz

[MiriMaran]

Ruth, when I first talked to his teacher and asked about whether we should get the Ed Psych in she said "thats a little extreme!"  So I left thinking maybe thnings weren't as bad as I thought.  On reflection, we need to get as many people involved so we can get help ASAP so I'm going to talk to the Head in the New Year.  Have you heard of the Ronnie or Robbie Mcsomething at Derby City Hospital - its a unit that specialises in children, but I can't remember the name.  Do you know if they only do Autism or do they do other stuff as well.  I am 100% certain that Harry is not on the Autism Spectrum, but didn't know if this unit helped with ADHD e.t.c.

Fluff, an Ed Psych can observe the class and take video, but I don't think I would be allowed to surrupticiously observe them.  I don't even know of I would be allowed to view the Ed Psych's video - confidentially e.t.c.

I met up with a friend today who has had a few problems with her son.  He wasn't statemented, but was put on an Action Plus plan at school where his educational goals were evaluated every 3 months with his parents, the Head, Ed Psych and the Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator.  Maybe this is what would happen with Harry, but evaluating behaviour.  The problem she had was that although he was in the bottom 5% for educational acchievement he wasn't quite bad enough to get a statement which meant he didn't get quite the same amount of help than a statemented child would have.

OK Ruth, I'll go and check my emails now.