Dear Apple Tree Feller,
Thankyou for your reply. As it happens, we are indeed wishing we had moved somewhere warmer, drier and generally more comfortable (like Wales perhaps). However, since it was a ten year dream of ours to have just a little patch of mud to call our own, we're not willing to give up on it yet.
Our existing eight trees kindly clubbed together to produce one small withered green apple between them last year. Perhaps they were upset at having witnessed the murder of four of their new companions at the beak of Mr G. Gander? (Please note that since approximately three days before Christmas, Mr Gander has posed no threat to vegetation of any kind, so I was hoping that your new trees would survive past infancy this time).
Oh well, you live and learn. A friend told me that we should concentrate on the crops that naturally do well in these surroundings, so I'm going to give up on the apples and plant nettles, thistles, hard rushes and rocks instead. I already know that nettle beer is disgusting, but do you know if it is possible to make thistle cider?
Best regards,
Womble.