[happygolucky]

  In france I practiced buying a train ticket...I stood and went over and over what I wanted, the man at the desk could clearly not understand my    French? and said in broken English "are you English" I replied "no" silly me

[Dans]

Well I must say thank whoever for the sunshine today. 

Been having a fair few low days, SAD, combined with rapid cycling bipolar and the return of my sinus headaches makes for a very bad week. Stayed home from a course today as I just couldn't face it and couldn't concentrate on anything at all.

Forced myself out in the garden to clear the greenhouse and prune the raspberries. Feel so much better. I just know that a life with increased time outside being active, with days where I can just do the bare minimum would be so much better for my mental health than the having to be constantly mentally switched on that I have set myself up for.

I am so glad that there are so many people that have commented on this thread. Not because it means others are suffering, the statistics say that many others are suffering, but because you all feel able to stand up and say. It is so easy to be ashamed of your mental health. I am still guilty of it, I nearly posted depression rather than bipolar in my first post because it has slightly less taboo to it. I think the more depression, anxiety and all other mental illness are talked about the more it will help sufferers to not put on that brave face and make life more stressful for themselves.

Right I'm rambling on, guess I should go look at the topics covered in the course I'm missing today...

Dans

[happygolucky]

  Dans, I have been rambling for ages...I think the drive you have is great....thats where pets or small holdings help...they need you! SUN    makes a big difference and yes, you are not alone

[ellied]

OK, deep breath, me too

A couple of you know this but since there seems to be a lot more than I expected on here maybe it's time to say something more openly.

The draft I wrote to post was so long I've just deleted it as it sounds so petty and pathetic compared to what I know many people suffer.  I have no diagnosis because I don't want one, nor do I want to take meds.  Since I reckon I started over 40 years ago, I reckon my developed skills and coping mechanisms on the rare occasions I go out are so good that nobody would believe I have a problem.  Yet I gave up my career, hardly go out, hardly want to most of the time, and have never been able to live with a partner or have a family of my own because of the anxiety, trust and emotional wreck stuff that I live with most days.  I have a pretty chronic binge eating and weight problem and huge trust issues.  Many nights I suffer insomnia and/or am convinced I won't wake up next day - history of family members dropping dead suddenly or choosing not to include me in their illness so their death came as a shock.  I have no parents, no partner, no kids, no real friendships of the day to day kind and no real connection to the friends and acquaintances who still have passions I have lost, still do jobs I have left, still have people I do not.  I have pretty much cut myself off and am more comfortable that way, if not happier exactly.  I have started writing again recently, which has always been one way for me to talk to myself and I've had a couple of days in the garden or doing stuff with animals that has given me hope, but my resilience is very low, it takes very slight things to knock me completely off course now and a long time to get back on track even with the smallest things.  I don't want to say too much more or I'll feel sorry for myself or sorry for you reading my little personal drama.  I can and do talk/write about it at great length but even that somehow pushes people away, I think intentionally at some level.

The animals have kept me going but I have lost all the pleasure most of the time and struggle to keep going both financially and physically which makes it all harder since I worry how I would be without them but feel I am going to have to give up sooner rather than later.

Anyway, PTSD, anxiety, probably some level of depression, whether SAD or not I'm not sure, I have problem anniversaries in winter which make it hard to tell the cause but I pretty much hibernate and hide from the entire culture in December and most of January, have days in late March and all through September and with my 48th birthday coming up in a couple of weeks I feel I am living the life of a woman in her 70s rather than what my 40s could have been.  The best of my life was 35-45, it wasn't ideal in many ways but I'd take half what I had then and be grateful.

[happygolucky]

  , one thing leads to another, isolation makes you more paranoid about people....but thats took some courage to put that down on here...very well done, not everyone actualy wants or needs to be close to friends....but, make sure you can talk to some one, you sound like you could do with some counselling, although thats a bit hit and miss, a good counsellor or some one you meet on a train that has no idea who you are, often, can help no end..I am always chatting to strangers....some times, they help me sort problems out better than family for friends as they are un bias.....
I am not sure where you are, I had a feeling you were in central scotland but thats prob wrong.......its good to share...thanks    

[happygolucky]

Oh, noticed you are near...well you can PM me if you want...not good at sorting out things and not good with money, in fact never have any..but I will listen...I have most of my working life been a listener, worked in Social Work, Youth Work and loads of care jobs and also trained in telephone counselling...in fact, I would recommend anyone with a problem, physical or mental try to do some voluntary work with others with problems...I was on the Nat Drugs Helpline and at the same time, during the day, on the Alcohol help line....amazing how both the training and the job put my own thoughts and problems in prospective...although we all need to top up on confidence sometimes....a problem shared is a problem halved and I always say to myself..."whats the worse thing that could happen" then I take it from there and its often not so bad!!

[Lesley Silvester]

Ellied, that must have taken courage so well done for that.  Your life sounds so difficult.  I looked to see where you are as well in case you were near me and I could suggest meeting up if you wanted, but if HGL is right about you being near her then you're miles from me.  I hope you are having some of the nice weather that is around just now as a bit of sun works wonders.

Dans, well done for calling your illness by it's name and not covering it under a blanket description.  Bi polar is not easy - my mother in law had it - but it is just an illness like any other.

Hope everyone is having some sunshine in their lives right now (well in the day anyway) as it is a help to see something other than unremitting rain or snow.

My day has been a bit brighter today.  My chair has been serviced and had new batteries so we were able to take the dogs out this afternoon.  It goes faster now it has batteries that aren't worn out so I had to slow down to give my OH a chance to catch his breath.  It makes a change.  For years I've been begging him to slow down when we're walking.  If you saw his out with his guide dog, it's only the dog that makes you realise he is blind because the speed he walks is amazing.  But now I can go faster.  Hee hee hee {with evil glint in eyes}.

[sabrina]

Ellied that is a tough life you are leading. I often have to remind myself that time is the most precious thing we have. I try my best to make the most of each day which is not always easy.At the end of the day it is up to ourselves to make the most of the life we have. not to expect the impossible but aim for the small things that we know will make us happy.I have stopped trying to be there for friends when they need me, not because I can no longer be bothered but more to do with the fact that I too have enough problems to cope with and there is only so much the brain can take before you go into over load. Like you I do not go out much by the time I have seen to the animals and household chores I am tired and find it quite easy to make excuses not to make myself go places.

[ellied]

Thanks for the comments.  What I didn't say is that I had 12 years of training and personal therapy to work in the mental health field though I no longer practice because it wouldn't feel right - I have major compassion fatigue on top of the rest perhaps due to being in full practice working with clients and staff and animals and exams and my piddling physical problems at the time my mum decided not to bother or upset me by telling me her cancer had got terminal.  Anyway I have nothing left to give most of the time and couldn't afford to drive somewhere to offer voluntary counselling to those in worse need than me even if I felt I had an ounce of anything worth offering.  I read other stories on here and know what others are going through is worse, but I feel almost nothing I could do or say of any use so I keep quiet and let those that think they can offer, do so until such time as maybe I have more capacity again, if ever. 

As for professional support, I can run rings round most therapists counsellors and MH workers because I know too much theory, technique etc and can usually anticipate and play or foul the game depending on whether I want to escape or vent/push away but I don't see the point not to mention I can't afford to pay someone and don't want the GP to label me and refer to a 9 month waiting list for someone with less experience or knowledge than I have because I'd be horrible to them and destroy what confidence they might have in all  likelihood feeling worse about myself in the process   I can actually be pretty hard to be around because I don't want the help people want me to want and even writing this I know I am rejecting well meant offers but it's part of what I am owning up to by posting on this thread and maybe someone else will recognise that they do the same, I don't know if it makes sense but maybe that is the help I can be in admitting the unpleasant aspects not just the ones that might make you feel sorry for me. 

Anyway, with thanks for the kindness of the offer, I didn't say anything to be helped and the last thing I'm likely to do is go and meet someone I don't know, no offence but it is too hard for someone with social anxiety to meet strangers let alone on a bad day   As I say I'm more comfortable as I am than I have ever been and if it wasn't for the lack of income and the fear and physical inability to keep going as I am I would be happy to live out my life this way, tho I used to wish for so much more.  I just posted because someone asked if they were the only one and as others had the courage to say no, me too, I thought I should be honest enough to do likewise. 

[happygolucky]

Understand...some times other people make us feel worse.....I remember having a difficult issue with a foster child that I was unable to discuss with anyone, the counciler I was referred too was no one I would have chose so I did not go again and sorted it myself...the girl I had, had seriouse mental health issues and was regularly stealing money from a frail old lady whos family were well known to locals and the police....I was in disparie at that time.....but it taught me that vulnerable bullied people often pray on those more vulnerable..thats why I say, people can often make things worse!!!!   

[happygolucky]

ellied... I have been thinking a lot about you, I used to do paid work here but it did  not fit in with our B&B and they did not pay mileage YET, voluntary work did...I lost money in paid work but would gain in voluntary work, just a thought. People with your skills and experience would help others...I know
Me and my husband like to keep ourself to ourself too...but....its also nice to be a benifit to someone else with problems

[Lesley Silvester]

One of my friends posted this on Facebook.  I hope it might help.

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the "half empty or half full" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: "How heavy is this glass of water?"
 Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
 She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything."
 It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Remember to put the glass down! -author unknown

[happygolucky]

so true about the glass of water and the comparison of stress and anxiety.
I also thought about people not telling others that they have a terminal illness..I am fine, but many years ago I had some tests and it went through my head that it could be terminal.....I decided that I was not going to tell anyone as they their attitude would change towards me and I would become more depressed and helpless.....I obviously would have become ill at some stage and maybe then I would have to say something but I certainly can understand people not telling people their true condition.....To tell loved ones your days are numbered would make anyones last days tense and sad....I so remember my mother telling me her diagnosis, however, she was at a very progressed stage and did not live too much longer......
The sun was wonderful here yesterday and it looks like its going to be wonderful today...so hope that's the medicine we all need!!!

[JMB]

How interesting to hear about all of this.
I find the winter months a real struggle. By teatime when it's getting dark, or earlier, I just want to hibernate.
It's exactly at the same time though that I need to be taking extra care of my sheep and pigs. I got an automatic door for my chickens so I don't have to be home in time to shut their door, but I still  feel bad about going to work in the dark, getting home in the dark and missing out  on seeing them and feeding them earlier.
It just adds to the pressure.
But on the rare occasions we get dry weather and it's still light there's  nowhere else to be than out with your animals.
I thank my lucky stars that we are smallholders with a hobby flock.Must be a terrible time for those trying to make a living.
On a positive note, we've had a lovely few days. Snowdrops are out, daffys growing, must be spring soon...
J xxxx

[Lesley Silvester]

Don't the signs of spring make you feel a whole heap better?  At least, they would if they'd last.