[happygolucky]

  , keep him tied up for now though     too much too soon is not good bless him. Hope you both have a nice warm day inside watching the fire!!

[Lesley Silvester]

That is very good news, Mary, and I'm sure it's helping you feel better.  Even more with the sun shining.  Doesn't that always make us feel good?

Enjoy your new steamer and don't forget to PM.  I'm looking forward to a chat.   

[happygolucky]

I was just chatting with a friend of mines son, he is so depressed and very concerning as he just tried to end it all, he was a soldier and had an accident, not sure of the ins and outs but he cannot use his legs, then his dad died very suddenly...it got me thinking about depression again and I know its so hard to come out of a black hole, no matter how many times people try to pull you or temp you out.....I also worried about people on here, hope you are OK Ina     Glad his mums come over to help him out!!

We can all be affected and so all need to be aware of how some people are hurting so much they cannot cope........the best thing is to talk!!! 

[bazzais]

I am an anxiety freak that suffers from big bolts of depression due to the overwhelming processes that need to be done on an everyday basis in the running of the smallholding.

Booze helps me sleep - but doesnt help in any other way.

I imagine it happens to alot of people not just smallholders who have lots to do every waking hour.

I think the one main point of most my angst is that you can never get away from work - its not likeyou look forward to 6 oclock and clocking off time - cos clocking off is never an option.  Add that to the fact that most the time all you have to talk too is your vehicle or some animal most the time. 

Also I love my other half to bit - but living and working together does make conversation run pretty dry unless its just about the boring same old s**t of working and animal care.


Pessimism is my worst foe.  Sometimes days are so as I expect its no longer a dissapointment, but it doesnt help you get up in the morning and have a constructive day.


Coffee helps alot.

[happygolucky]

Not sure if its genetics or nurture but i tend to process problems quickly, some years ago I was concerned I was terminally ill...I was off for tests, turns out I was fine BUT, within an hour I had thought of how to deal with it, no doubt I would have been devastated but I had processed myself ready for the worse so anything else was good. I also dealt with family deaths fairly well, especially as they had big impacts on things that were going on at that time, eg birth of my 2nd child.
I know that I can get down and to me its just a normal phase of emotion, I am not bad but that's due to me seeing things from different view points........real depression often has no reasoning.......so therefore its harder to deal with.....we are complex...I was speaking with my daughter about all sorts of things and this friend came up in conversation, I told her to avoid getting into conversations with him as he lives near to her.....sadly he tried to end his life today....I however can talk with him as I am far enough from him and also can detach myself and know I am not to blame for his mental state. His mother has come over to stay with him for a while, that's good, she was my best friend, well she would still be but things move on.
Basically, its how we deal with life, its good if you can find someone to understand and talk and sad if you cannot!!!

[Lesley Silvester]

Nothing to be ashamed of, Abe, any more than if you had a broken ankle or, like me, rheumatoid arthritis or some other horrible disease.  And I wouldn't be so sure that the people you see are strong and positive.  Up 'til fairly recently, people would comment on how well I was doing, having gone from being pretty active to having very limited mobility, and I would laugh and joke with them.  Then come home and cry and cry because I wasn't coping at all.  My OH was worried sick about me and didn't know what to do.  It was only when I admitted to one or two people and on TAS that I wasn't coping very well, that things started to improve - not physically unfortunately, but mentally. 

The thing is that I was doing what so many people do, and putting on a face for other people and I think it made matters worse because I had the strain of acting a part as well as having to come to terms with having a serious illness.

You've made a good and important move by admitting to us on here how you are feeling.  Do go along to the CBT sessions.  I'm sure that you won't have to say any more than you are comfortable with and will be able to go at your own pace.

You don't mention a partner, so are you bringing up the children on your own.  That's quite an undertaking.  You are clearly a loving dad and they will pick that up.  They are lucky to have someone who, although ill himself, is more concerned about the effects of the illness on the children than anything.  That is something to be proud of.

If you want to PM me any time, please do.  I'm no expert but I can be a virtual listener.   

[happygolucky]

abe, MGM is so spot on, its good to get your feelings out and you can no more help how you feel than people with other illnesses, mental illness is just harder to see.......I think the anonymity yet the familiarity of forums like this is great, you then realise you are not alone or infact, different.....we are born who we are and are made into what we become...that's fact, we can however learn to deal with who we are buy different techniques and thought processes and medication or meditation. I notice a lot of people who are perfectionists get anxious.....abe, just chat to anyone on here that you can share your thoughts with...it will help

[sabrina]

I had my 6 month cancer check up on the 11th of January, this one is the mammogram which I hate but has to be done. I have to wait for the results which is so very stressful. As I had not received my letter with results my doctor who works in Aberdeen Hospital one day a week went onto their network on Friday and got them for me. Results good but during the waiting I got very low. Lady I knew who went through the treatment same time as myself died last week, age 46. I kept telling myself that I would be OK but in my head I think one day its going to get me again. I find myself staying away from family so I do not have to talk about it. I cry a lot when my OH is at work but always say I am fine when he is around. On pills for depression. I do have good days but that big black hole is just waiting for the next bad one when I start to slip back in.

[Bionic]

Sabrina, I am so sad to hear that this gets you down. It sounds as if you feel you can't share it with your OH. Have you tried someone like Macmillan instead?
It must be very upsetting that the other lady died too as you think thats what is in store for you.
Lets turn it on its head so you have someone positive to think about. I had my treatment in 2003 and I am still very much going strong. I now only have mammograms every couple of years. 
Wishing you all the best
Sally

[happygolucky]

 
and the old saying is so true, we could be 100% fit and get knocked over while shopping.....take each day at a time......I think a lot of people would be the same as you, I have a very good friend that I have not been able to contact, she is also going through treatment, I think she too has shut all her family and friends out....its a hard thing to face but looks like you are doing very well......each day is special and so are you

[Lesley Silvester]

This morning I had planned to go to coffee morning at church with my OH (he goes twice a week) in my chariot - electric wheelchair - and then do a bit of shopping round our little shopping centre.  Got into my chair and the batteries were flat.  To my amazement and OH's concern, I burst into tears.  I hadn't realised how much I was looking forward to going out.  I was so upset that he said he would stay home with me but he needs a break so I sent him off and then cried on my own.

This afternoon we took the chariot for a service and to get new batteries fitted.  Then we went shopping and I borrowed the shop's power scooter so we could whizz round.  Cheered me up no end.  Poor OH is exhausted though.  He had to hang onto the back as he didn;t have his guide dog and I made him jog round the store.   

It's amazing how, when you are low, the slightest thing can knock you right down.  Thank goodness I was able to get out today, even if I couldn't do what I wanted.  I think it's important - if incredibly difficult sometimes - to focus on the good things in our lives.

[happygolucky]

The vision of you whizzing around with your husband running after you has made laugh
I used to go out when it was dark in the morning then return from work when it was dark in the evening and it made me stir crazy...I need light and fresh air.
You are spot on again, if something you are looking forward to goes wrong then its hard to be happy about anything.......equally when something you are not looking forward to goes well it is uplifting.
It also helps when people you meet during the day are nice and spare a smile of chat......I miss going shopping as I love chatting away to people...when I have money again I will shop

[sabrina]

Good to hear you are doing well Sally. I thought it would get easier as time passed but find it harder if anything. I will be better come the Spring as winter always gets me down. Being inside does not suit me and I prefer to be busy with the veg plot or any other outdoor chore. Not being able to get out  is a big thing and I understand why you would be upset happygolucky, it makes quite a picture thinking about you whizzing around in your wheelchair. Made me smile.

[happygolucky]

A normal or horrid day can be transformed by a kind jesture, a complementory remark or interesting interaction with some one, the reverse can spoil everything. I remember when my mum died, I lived in a town where i knew so many people, I decided to buy a magazine and go for a coffee....every one I met was so nice, although thier kindness brought tears to my eyes, it also made me grateful I was not alone. My brother goes to his local Asda every day and he daily chat to people at the till are his only interaction, I must say, every supermarket seems to have wonderful check out operators, I wonder if they are told to make light conversation....I am used to starting up conversations and as the bus I got on yesterday was early, the driver chatted to me....we talked and he nearly forgot the time....whops..bit like the time I missed my train chatting to the Vicar!!
So....when some one gives us that gesture from their car    or someone bumps into you and does not say sorry   or you get some one pushing infront of you   Smile back at them and think...they must be having a bad day

[NormandyMary]

A normal or horrid day can be transformed by a kind jesture, a complementory remark or interesting interaction with some one, the reverse can spoil everything. I remember when my mum died, I lived in a town where i knew so many people, I decided to buy a magazine and go for a coffee....every one I met was so nice, although thier kindness brought tears to my eyes, it also made me grateful I was not alone. My brother goes to his local Asda every day and he daily chat to people at the till are his only interaction, I must say, every supermarket seems to have wonderful check out operators, I wonder if they are told to make light conversation....I am used to starting up conversations and as the bus I got on yesterday was early, the driver chatted to me....we talked and he nearly forgot the time....whops..bit like the time I missed my train chatting to the Vicar!!
So....when some one gives us that gesture from their car    or someone bumps into you and does not say sorry   or you get some one pushing infront of you   Smile back at them and think...they must be having a bad day

I like to start up conversations with out check-out girls as it makes me practice my french!!!