Now I'm a bit scared.
I don't have depression as far as I know. However, having read all your responses I can see many similarities to how I often feel.
I did suffer from exhaustion a few years back, working on a really busy & stressful project. I finally went to the doctors on the advice of HR. He said I wasn't depressed just very sad (I can't even do that properly!)
Anyway, I've been ok since, gave up office work, had a couple of outdoor jobs working in riding stables/livery yards. We moved to up to this smallholding when OH got offered a relocation with work. Things have been ok for the first couple of years, although I know i'm turning into a hermit, not going out much & have put on lots of weight.
This past year has been horrible. The weather has been rough. I feel so lonely, but find that all my confidence & self worth has gone, which makes getting out & meeting new people hard. Even meeting up with my old best mates twice a year sends me into a tail spin now & requires massive amounts of planning! I seem to set myself strange targets for every small chore & then panic if it doesn't all go to plan or isn't perfect, everything needs to be done in the most efficient way & at breakneck speed - why I only go & sit on my arse when I'm finished! I can see the effect it has on one of my horses, poor little stress head, but I can't seem to stop. When I was ill recently I had to take things easy & only do the bear minimum & I could visibly see that horse take a big sigh of relief & relax.
I get to the stage where I'm sobbing uncontrollably, or I'm out of breath with my heart rate right up, hyperventilating whilst feeding the animals, but I don't know why or how I got there.
I have had such a great life. I'm in a good place with lovely people. Some people would give their right arm to have what I have & yet still I'm not happy. I feel so ungrateful. I also feel so unhappy & tired all the time.
It's so frustrating to be able to see i'm losing it & yet not be able to change.
I don't know where I go from here, I guess it's like drinking, the first step is acknowledging you have a problem.
F'ing hell. I just read that back & there I go sobbing again. Enough of this shite I haven't even started the animals yet. I think today may be a struggle.