[sausagesandcash]

A couple were invited to a swanky costume party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband that he should just go to the party without her.

He, being a devoted husband, insisted upon staying at home to take care of her, but she told him that she was going to take an aspirin and go to bed and that there was no need for him to jeopardise having a great night by staying at home.

So he eventually agreed, put on his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awoke without feeling any pain whatsoever. As it was still relatively early, she decided to go to the party after all. Her husband didn't know what costume she was going to wear, so she thought she would have some fun by watching the way he acted when she was not around. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, gallivanting around on the dance floor, dancing with every attractive girl he could whilst copping a little feel here, and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him, and being an attractive woman herself, he immediately left his partner high and dry and devoted all his attention to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After a few more drinks he whispered a little proposition into her ear and she agreed, so off they went to a nearby park and made passionate love.

after retunring to the party, she slipped away discreetly at 12:30 AM, drove home and put her costume away and jumped into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for this unacceptable behaviour. She was sitting up reading a book when he came in at 1:00 AM, so she asked what kind of a night he had.

"Ohhh, the same old stuff. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

She then asked, "So did you dance much?" He replied, "To be honest, I didn't dance at all because when I got there, I met up with Billy and a few boys, so we just went into the spare room and played poker all night"

"Well you must have looked pretty ridiculous wearing that costume all night while you were playing poker!" she said with unashamed anger.

Her husband replied, "Nah not at all, I gave my costume to your brother at the start of the night, apparently he had the time of his life."

[sausagesandcash]

David Beckham arrives home one day to find Victoria all sweating, flushed and breathless..., He rushes over to her and asks if she is alright.
Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"

"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance" He runs downstairs and picks up the phone and begins dialling 999. However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.
"What's the matter son?" asks Becks.

"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles Brooklyn. Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door. Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers.

"You wanker Giggsy" screams Becks.
"My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the s**t out of Brooklyn?"

[sausagesandcash]

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

[sausagesandcash]

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[sausagesandcash]

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered,
"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man.
"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Gordon Brown's clock?"
asked the man.

"Gordon Brown's clock is in Jesus' office...
He's using it as a ceiling fan!"

 

[sausagesandcash]

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.

Why do men die first? Because they want to.

[jameslindsay]

A firefighter was working on the engine  outside the 
Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in
A little red wagon with  little ladders hung off the sides,
And a garden hose tightly coiled in  the middle.


 
The girl was wearing  a firefighters helmet.


 
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her  cat.


 
The firefighter walked over  to take a closer  look.'That
Sure is a nice fire truck,' the  firefighter said with admiration.'


 
Thanks,' the girl  replied.The  firefighter looked a little closer..
The girl had  tied the wagon to her  dog's collar and to the cat's
Testicles.


 
'Little partner,' the firefighter  said, 'I don't  want to tell you how
To run your rig,  but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
Collar, I think you could go faster.


 
' The little girl  replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
Then I  wouldn't have a siren.'
 
 

 
 
 

[sausagesandcash]

lol 

[Rosemary]

You shoudl be on the stage. I haven't laughed as much for ages.

[sausagesandcash]

It was the end of the Gulf War. The Arabs stared over at the oil fields and watched them burning. Day and night the flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring 'Red Adare'. Red Adare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red Adare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in Ireland.

The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000. "Great"; said the Arab and hung up the phone.

The Arabs waited in the desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four Red haired Paddys comes roaring over the sand dunes and head straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their denim jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the oil rig fire was out. The four Paddys walked to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was rough!"

The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money?. "Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I going to buy a set of brakes for that fecking truck!"

[sausagesandcash]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[sausagesandcash]

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."