[sausagesandcash]

Classic!

[sandy]

  more, I could do with a laugh

[sausagesandcash]

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".

Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."

[Rosemary]

 

[Rosemary]

I've just read page 3 and they're very funny too.

[MrRee]

My fav joke ever. (apart from the one about two tortoises in the garden,but ya have to be face to face for it to work) anyway.........

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,� and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[sausagesandcash]

Written on an exam table I sat at:

"Dear God, 1/2 hour into exam, help, don't have a clue
 Dear God 45 mins into exam, please help....
 Dear Satan

[sausagesandcash]

A drunk walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "I wanna buy everyone in here a shot of whiskey - and include one for yourself, my good man."

The bartender pours shots for everyone, says, "hey, thanks, pal," and downs his shot. The drunk drinks his shot and says, "what do I owe ya?"
Bartender says, "that'll be 45 bucks."

The drunks says, "oh, gee, I don't have any money," so the bartender beats the crap out of him and kicks him out of the bar.

Next day, same bar, same bartender, same drunk - "I wanna buy everyone in here a shot of whiskey - and include one for yourself, my good man."

The bartender figures there's no way this guy can be stupid enough to try the same stunt two days in a row, so he pours the shots, drinks his and says, "okay so 45 bucks from yesterday, plus 52 for today, makes 97 bucks."

The drunk says, "oh, gee - I don't have any money," so the bartender beats the crap out of him and kicks him out again.

Next day, same bar, same bartender, same drunk - "I wanna buy everyone in here a shot of whiskey. But not one for you."

Bartender says, "How come no shot for me this time?"

Drunk says, "because you get violent when you drink."

[sausagesandcash]

20 Old Age Benefits
It's true getting old has its benefits

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with the elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

[sausagesandcash]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

[sausagesandcash]

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy anniversary Mum and Dad," rushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."

Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mum look great, Dad. I just flew in from Brisbane between court hearings and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care. At least the five of us are together today."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yes," said the father. "And cheap ones, too."

[Rosemary]

Keep this up - it get's me through the day!

[sandy]

  good to have a giggle durring the day

[sausagesandcash]

Ah, just the fuel I needed to keep posting 

[sausagesandcash]

P.S Rosemary ask dan where's me bleedin' (very Irish  ) badges!! lol