[rustyme]

the United Arab Emirates have banned the Flintstones on TV, saying  they don't want to watch it , but the kids of  'Abu Dhabi do'

What do you call a head floating in the water ...?         Bob......

sorry .. it must be the heat....

cheers

Russ

[The Relic]

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Chinaman showed up Monday morning their first day on a new building site.

The foreman says to Paddy Englishman "grab that wheelbarrow and a shovel and move that pile of soil"

he says to Paddy Irishman "use this paint and paintbrush and start painting that wall"

and to Paddy Chinaman "go to the delivery room and wait for the lorry with the supplies"

after a couple of hours the foreman comes back to see how the lads are getting on

"jesus Paddy Englishman i didnt think youd move all that soil fair play"

"ah Paddy Irishman thats a fine job you done on that wall"

he goes to the delivery room and finds the lights are turned off  "what the feck is

going on here" he says as the turns on the lights. Paddy Chinaman jumps out

"sulplise"

[kingnigel]

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit = £400

New shirt = £36

New underwear = £6


Second opinion PRICELESS

kn

[sheila]

 Did you hear the one about the scarecrow who won an oscar? He was outstanding in his field!!

[Rosemary]

 

[sellickbhoy]

a horse walks into a bar and the barman says "why the long face!"

[Fluffywelshsheep]

I thought i would join in

There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.

So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'

'OK,' says the guy.

He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'

The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.

He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'

The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'

Linz

[Fluffywelshsheep]

here is another one

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you
Vinnie

[The Relic]

A young man on holiday sends a postcard to his folks

" No mun, No Fun, Your Son"

the father replys

"Im sad, too bad, Your Dad"

[jameslindsay]

True story but I think funny.

As some of you know I live along side the River Eden, the estuary is a bird sanctuary and "heaven" at times to the twitchers. Yesterday one of our regulars was going home, on the bridge he met a twitcher and they started talking. The regular(Legs) asked the man if he had saw anything of interest. The reply was there were some swans and further down those 2 are Mute Swans. My regular said "oh no they ain't" and the guy assured him they were indeed what he said. After a few minutes of disagreement the twitcher gave up and said "ok what do you think they are?" "I don't think, I know" my friend said "they belong to the pub I have just left and these swans are bleemin geese!" The twitcher was not impressed but Legs thought it very funny and entertaining - and so do I.

[doganjo]

I feel another funny story coming on, James - why is he called Legs?

ps i love the tomato one, Linz - I hooted out loud!

[jameslindsay]

Legs is about 6ft 5", enough said???

[jameslindsay]

Its early in the day but it made me laugh...

 

       
        This is something to think about when negative people are
doing
        their best to rain on your parade.  So remember this story the
        next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to
make your
        life miserable.   
 
       
 
          'A woman was at her
        hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with
        her husband...  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
        responded:   
 
       
 
        "Rome?  Why
        would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty... 
You're
        crazy to go to Rome.  So,
        how are you getting there"
 
       
 
        "We're taking
        Continental" was the reply.  "We got a great
        Rate"   
 
       
 
         "Continental"
        exclaimed the hairdresser.  "That's a terrible
airline.
        Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and
they're
        always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome"
 
       
 
        "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
        Teste." 
 
        "Don't go any further.
        I know that place.  Everybody thinks it's gonna be
something
        special and exclusive, but it's really a dump"
 
       
 
        "We're going to go to see
        the Vatican and
        maybe get to see the Pope"
 
       
 
        "That's rich" laughed the
        hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.
         He'll look the size of an ant.
 
       
 
        Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of
        yours. You're going to need it. 
 
       
 
        A month later, the woman again came
        in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to
Rome.   
 
       
 
        "It was wonderful"
        explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of
        Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and
they bumped
        us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a
        handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
         
 
       
 
          And the hotel was great!
        They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's
a jewel,
        the finest hotel in the city.  They, too, were overbooked, so
they
        apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
        charge"
 
       
 
        "Well" muttered
        the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't
        get to see the Pope"   
 
       
 
        "Actually, we were quite
        lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped
me on the
        shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of
the
        visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and
        wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   
 
       
 
          Sure enough, five minutes
        later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  We
sat
        down and he spoke a few words to me"   
 
       
 
        "Oh, really!
         What'd he say?"   
       
 
         He said: "Who f*****
        up your hair?"
       

[Audmum]

Let's test the way you think


'thepenisinhermouth'


Did you read


'the pen is in her mouth'?


Na?  Me neither

[doganjo]

 

I too have a filthy min!  I admit it!