[loosey]

Who here is married? Have you been married more than once?

I have been married previously and am now divorced. I met my OH 6 years ago and we have been together 3. I know I'd like to marry him one day but I feel the whole experience has been a little tainted 

I was speaking to a friend last week about Pagan Handfasting. If you don't know what it is, a pagan High Priest oversee's your vows and the enchange of the rings in a location of your choice. It is not legally binding but, I think, a lovely way of showing committment.

My OH's family are Jehovah Witnesses, and as such, would be distraught if we ever considered a a pagan wedding  but I do think the idea of getting married at home, in our woods, with all our animals nearby sounds lovely 

What are your thoughts on marriage. Is it a natural step to take or an unnecessary piece of paper for you?

[Sandy]

I love the idea of hand fasting, where I used to live there were always signs up in the woods for ceremonies, true love and commitment do not need big events that cost a fortune like celebraty weddings, although, if thats floats your boat and you have enough mo ney thats fine.

In my opinion, some people marry for the idea, we married in our sitting room and had all my children and grandchildren together, it was so informal and special, I certainly would have gone off to the forest but it was far too cold and transport would have been a problem as it was 27th Dec 2010. We married after living together for 16 years so we knew why we were getting married, it certainly gives you a different aspect on your or our life together, sort of seals the relationship I suppose but not necessity.

[BlueDaisy]

I've been with my hubby since I was 18, I'm now 38. We got married 3 years ago, on a local hill where we walk the dogs, by a Humanist. It is a legal marriage. It was very informal, lots of dogs and onlookers! Lovely and special. But I haven't changed my name and I never use Mrs, and I don't wear a ring. That just feels all wrong! But it was lovely to have a big party with all the friends and family. We also had a hand tying part in our ceremony, which we got to write to suit us.
Look into Humanist weddings you might find you like the idea of them

I think it's a natural step to take, and it's a necessary piece of paper. One of our very close friends died, very unexpectedly at the age of 43. It prompted us to get on with it rather than put it off any longer. We still haven't written wills but we know that's only an issue if we both die at the same time, and if that happens we're not that fussed about whose fighting over our bits and bobs!

[Fowgill Farm]

My OH and me have just celebrated 26yrs together. We've just never felt the need to be married. I think it would have been different if we had kids but that just never happened either. In the early years we were constantly pestered by family on both sides to get married indeed my family never spoke to me for 2yrs because we wouldn't they eventually realised we were going to do things our way and just had to like it or lump it. 26yrs haven't all been plain sailing and i would say the past 7yrs have been the most difficult for various reasons. Our niece is planning her wedding at the moment and i have the odd wistful thougth that it might be nice but then i think how the money could be better spent on pig feed, fencing etc!!
I think if you're happy as you are then continue on, like the sound of the pagan stuff but OH would never go for that kind of thing, he thinks i'm daft enough as it is with all my superstitions!
Mandy 

[Sandy]

I think its the legal stuff that makes you feel a bit more secure if married, I used to dred anything happening and they left my partner o ut of things as he is 21 years younger and its nice now that we can show everyone that it dose last with that age gap!!

[ellied]

I have never been married and now my parents (strong Christians) are both dead I would always go the handfasting route as it fits my beliefs.  I do a fair bit of rites of passage work with clients/groups in a spiritual but non-religious sense which is a good alternative to those for whom humanism is too atheist and religion too constricting, so could easily create my own ceremony and make it powerful for myself and all present.  Not just handfasting but welcoming new life, moving from couple to single life, moving on from loss, letting go of fertility, coming of age, ageing/dying and so on - society has lost a lot of the traditional marking of life change over the centuries

Handfasting has an option to go for a year and a day commitment in the first instance, which usually takes place at Beltaine (1 May or thereabouts) so you might want to think about that as a step worth considering - and if you want to jump a fire together I have just the thing

These ceremonies have no legal status but are most definitely a commitment for the year and a day or indeed for life and those that make their own statements/vows tend to find it more so than something from a book they don't actually read..

[Hilarysmum]

We are coming up to our 40th.  (Is it true that for a married couple the on the death of one the surviving partner is not taxed so heavily for death duties than a couple cohabiting?)  Not that it matters we will never have enough to reach the level of paying tax.

[Fowgill Farm]

We have both made wills leaving all to the other partner and to stop the dreaded inheritance tax we have divided our property into 2 halves so youonly get taxed on the half of the person who died. Its very sobering making a will but a necessary evil when you're not married otherwise you legally don't have aleg to stand on!
mandy 

[doganjo]

I met my first husband when we were in Youth Fellowship - our minister and I were going through church records looking to boost falling numbers, he came across one card and said 'now here's a fine husband for you, Anne'  I forgot all about it - bad memory, didn't remember the name, but as we stood at the altar taking our vows 2 years later, Dr Knox reminded us and all our congregation what he had said.  It was the natural thing in the 60s to get married in our circle of friends and families, so that is what we did.  We were together for 23 years, in wedded bliss, till a madman came round a corner in a 4 x 4 and killed him.  Sandy's good driving as he saw the guy coming saved my life.  Devastation is a very weak description of what my children and I felt.
A year and a half later I met John - standing like Adonis at the top of the office stairs having been brought back from Libya by the company while I was on holiday.  It was love at first sight - again!  Lightening does strike twice!    We were together for 11 years but never married - we had planned to marry on my 60th birthday, had booked the village hall for Hogmanay that year.  He went out climbing with his Club, he was a Mountain Leader, had a couple of young lads with him, inexperienced in snow, they bashed through a snow cornice while he was helping another lad, and it took John down the mountain.  The next few days were hell as he improved then went downhill a few times.  An emergency operation showed he had irreparable internal injuries and the decision was taken to take the machines off.  My children were as upset as they were about their real Dad, John had been their father for a third of third lives.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this, it was a long time ago and those were the only sad bits.  I have been very lucky - two better husbands I couldn't have wished for whether we were married or not.  Some women have dreadful marriages, dreadful relationships, some never find their soul mate - I found two   And teh good bit is I got Sandy's NHS pension because John and I were never married - now for an accountant that is a RESULT!

[doganjo]

We have both made wills leaving all to the other partner and to stop the dreaded inheritance tax we have divided our property into 2 halves so youonly get taxed on the half of the person who died. Its very sobering making a will but a necessary evil when you're not married otherwise you legally don't have aleg to stand on!
mandy 

If you have a sole survivor clause in your deeds you have no inheritance tax at all.  The property automatically falls to the survivor. Think about having them changed if you can. Not sure if that applies anywhere other than Scotland though

[ellied]

you don't have a legal leg to stand on unmarried and without a will ...unless you're in NZ as we found out after my late brother's ex partner and still cohabiting quasi employer/business partner nabbed a load of family money he'd inherited a few months before he died  My sister and I had no idea she could claim the entirety of his estate over there without being married, and of course we hadn't the cash to pursue a legal battle overseas  To be honest we didn't even know if the "solicitor's letter" was a fake or real but had nothing to fight with as Mum had only died 6 months before and the aunt who'd left him the money a year before that (estate just released by probate before Mum died)..  

Sorry, diversion into bitter past experience but yes, the legal issue is only resolved by writing a clear will before it ever seems like time to do so

[loosey]

Just realised, I think it's different in a lot of places but here, you can only get married somewhere that has a license. I really like the idea of a humanist wedding but again, my OH's parents would not even consider attending.

Maybe we'll just have lots of babies out of wedlock instead and see how that goes down!

[HappyHippy]

My OH had been married before I met him, messy divorce, bad feeling and vowed never to do it again  I had just lost my fiance (due to fluid on the brain) about 3 weeks before meeting Bruce and most definately wasn't in a place where I wanted to get involved with anyone let alone married.
Bruce & I met and had our 'first date' at the end of September 2000, by Xmas that year we knew it was serious. He wanted babies and I wanted to be with him. Although I've always been a bit of a rebel I was surprised at myself because I told him I wasn't having babies unless I was married (must have been a bit of old fashioned something in me  ) Anyway..... cut a long story short. We got married on the 4th of May 2002 and haven't looked back. I know it is just a piece of paper and it doesn't change you or the relationship or give you any kind of guarentee - but I wanted it. Not the big white wedding that we eventually had, but I wanted to be married before I had my kids.
The main thing is finding something that works for YOU - doesn't matter one bit what others think, it's you and your OH that matter.
Karen x

[smallholder in the city]

We've been together 11 years and married 4 years. I was always very independent and really liked living on my own (probably something to do with being the eldest of 5 and therefore overprotective of my own space) so told the husband I was quite happy being with him and not getting married forever but if he wanted me to give up having my own space / independence and live with him he's have to propose. At the time I firmly believed that he wouldn't propose and we could carry on as we were spending a lot of time together but living seperately. To my suprise he called my bluff and proposed.

It did take me about 18 months after we moved in together to stop screaming in shock when he walked in to a room and I'd forgotten he was in a house (it's not a massive house either). I realise that sounds silly but after living alone for ages I just wasn't used to another person randomly appearing (yes I agree I do sound a bit mad)     

[BlueDaisy]

Just realised, I think it's different in a lot of places but here, you can only get married somewhere that has a license. I really like the idea of a humanist wedding but again, my OH's parents would not even consider attending.

Err, not sure about England but in Scotland a 'religious' minster (this includes humanist celebrants) can marry you anywhere as it is the person who holds the licence but if you want to be married by the registrar then that has to be done at a licensed premises.