Agri Vehicles Insurance from Greenlands

Author Topic: how to start a fight  (Read 1908 times)


  • Joined Apr 2008
  • Mablethorpe Lincolnshire
how to start a fight
« on: September 13, 2010, 04:31:02 pm »



        Subject: FW: HOW TO START A FIGHT
        One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a  cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
        The next  year, I didn't buy her a gift.
        When she asked  me why, I replied,
        "Well, you still haven't  used the gift I bought you last year!"
         _______________ 1 _______________

        My  wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A  Millionaire while we were in bed.
        I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have  Sex?'
        'No,' she answered. I then said,
        'Is  that your final answer?'
        She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
        So I  said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

         ________________ 2 ________________

        I  took my wife to a restaurant.
        The waiter, for  some reason, took my order first.
        "I'll have  the rump steak, rare, please."
        He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
        "Nah,  she can order for herself."
         _______________ 3 _________________

        My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school reunion, and she
        kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone  at a nearby table.
        I asked her, "Do you know  him?"
        "Yes", she sighed,
        "He's my old  boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking  right after we
        split up those many years ago,  and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
        "My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go  on celebrating that long?"
        ________________ 4 ________________

        When  our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife  kept hinting to me
        that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had something  else to take
        care of first, the shed, the  boat, making beer.. Always something  more
        important to me. Finally she thought of  a clever way to make her point.
        When I  arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall grass, busily
        snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently  for
        a short time and then went into the  house.. I was gone only a minute, and
        when I  came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I  said, "When you finish
        cutting the grass, you  might as well sweep the driveway."
        The  doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a  limp.
        ________________ 5 ________________

        My  wife sat down next to me as I was flipping  channels.
        She asked, "What's on TV?"
        I  said, "Dust."

         ________________ 6 _______________

        Saturday  morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my  lunch, and
        slipped quietly into the garage. I  hooked up the boat up to the  van,  and
        proceeded to back out into a torrential  downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so  I
        pulled back into the garage, turned on the  radio, and discovered that the
        weather would  be bad all day. I went back into the house,  quietly
        undressed, and slipped back into  bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with  a
        different anticipation, and whispered, "The  weather out there is terrible."
        My loving  wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe  my stupid husband
        is out fishing in  that?"

         ________________ 7 ________________

        My  wife was hinting about what she wanted for our  upcoming anniversary.
        She said, "I want  something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about  3 seconds."
        I bought her a bathroom  scale.

         ________________ 8 ________________

        After  retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply for Social Security.
        The woman  behind the counter asked me for my driver's  License to verify my age.
        I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at  home.
        I told the woman that I was very sorry,  but I would have to go home and come back  later.
        The woman said, 'Unbutton your  shirt'.
        So I opened my shirt revealing my  curly silver hair.
        She said, 'That silver  hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and  she
        processed my Social Security  application..
        When I got home, I excitedly  told my wife about my experience at the Social  Security office...
        She said, 'You should have  dropped your pants. You might have gotten  disability, too.'

         ________________ 9 ________________

        My  wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom  mirror.
        She was not happy with what she saw  and said to me,
        "I feel horrible; I look old,  fat and ugly.
        I really need you to pay me a  compliment.'
        I replied, "Your eyesight's damn  near perfect."
« Last Edit: September 13, 2010, 04:33:50 pm by sheila »


  • Joined Aug 2009
  • North East Fife
Re: how to start a fight
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2010, 04:37:52 pm »
  ;D ;D ;D ;D


  • Joined Aug 2010
  • Cairngorms
  • take it easy and chill
    • blaemuir cottage
Re: how to start a fight
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2010, 04:42:17 pm »
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha i like  :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave:


  • Joined Oct 2007
  • Barry, Angus, Scotland
    • The Accidental Smallholder
Re: how to start a fight
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2010, 06:28:49 pm »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

6 is my favourite


  • Joined Aug 2009
Re: how to start a fight
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2010, 09:55:58 am »
Cheered me up after an awful night's work!! ;D ;D ;D ;D


  • Joined Jul 2010
  • Bristol
    • Merry Meet
Re: how to start a fight
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2010, 12:02:14 pm »
LOL what a great first post to read in the morning .. had a right chuckle

Thanks for that

Sam :)


  • Joined Jun 2008
    • golocal food
    • Facebook
Re: how to start a fight
« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2010, 01:57:33 pm »
I'm going to use 6 and 8... if I don't make it back its been nice knowing you all!!


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