Author Topic: Letter to Hilary (Read 2436 times)

Gordon M · « **on:** November 30, 2009, 08:45:56 pm »

Rt Hon Hilary Benn
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA)
Nobel House,
17 Smith Square,
London.
Dear Mr Benn,
My friend who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for 3,000 pounds from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs,, I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavor in keeping with all Government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.
I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?
As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the most he ever made on them was 1,224 pounds in 1969. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.
If I get 3,000 pounds for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get 6,000 pounds for not rearing 100? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not reared, which will mean about 240,000 pounds for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 4,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I would expect about 2.4 million pounds from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive Tradeable Carbon Credits for all these pigs not producing harmfull and polluting methane gasses?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals not to feed the pigs I don't rear?
I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too.
Please could you also include the current DEFRA advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above, you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits. I will of course be voting for your party at the next General Election.

Yours Faithfully,
A. Farmer.

Old Empty Barn · « **Reply #1 on:** November 30, 2009, 10:08:17 pm »

Gordon ...... very funny, nearly fell off my seat reading this ! ........ makes a serious point as well though ........ wonder if I could earn a living not doing anything !

doganjo · « **Reply #2 on:** November 30, 2009, 11:19:40 pm »

Absolutely brilliant - is that your own work, Gordon! If so I think you could make a lot of money out of doing something rather than nothing!

sandy · « **Reply #3 on:** December 01, 2009, 12:13:27 pm »

Fantastic letter...should be sent I think!!!! Maybe we can also send letter for not claiming other benifits or for being carbon neutral or energy saving!!!!!!

oaklandspigs · « **Reply #4 on:** December 01, 2009, 07:18:58 pm »

Very good!

sellickbhoy · « **Reply #5 on:** December 02, 2009, 12:53:51 pm »

I love it, but i have missed the original story of farmers being paid not to rear animals - can anyone send that onto me?

I think i'll forward both stories onto a few folk.

chickenfeed · « **Reply #6 on:** December 02, 2009, 01:37:39 pm »

:)i read this last week on another forum just about sums up how farming is going you now get paid for hedges so long as they are the right height, leaving a verge all around the field will bring in more money as will digging out a pond and setaside its now got to the point where you get more money for not growing or rearing than you do farming.

Canadian Sheepfarmer · « **Reply #7 on:** December 02, 2009, 03:02:39 pm »

This is all pretty much Anne-Olde-Joake. In the near future I think you will see a real crashing of gears as population growth and food shortages, especially animal feeds, begin to bite and force the UK govt to reassess what it has done to British farming and what needs to be done if they are to feed a largely urban population.

All of these tree huggin' grant stories could seem like the good ol' days in the new reality.