Before I knew I'd got a bit of a memory problem I too had a strange experience .
When I was on my own before I remarried I had a KIWI guy ( Mike ) as a lodger , he took a liking to my massive soft as a duster ginger tom cat .
As a consequence he'd stop off at a weekly market whilst driving the 40 odd miles back home and buy treats for Ginge.
This arrangement worked well, Ginge would follow mike all round the house and garden sometimes even going for a walk with him along the river bank for 1/2 a mile or more.
One day I poured some drain clear down the kitchen sink for it was beginning to smell like stagnant soapy water , for a few hours it sorted the problem , either that or we'd got used to the aroma.
Over the next few days the smell developed into a sickly sweet smell akin to a long dead body that's got maggots falling out of it.
Mike and I spent the next weekend taking all the waste pipes apart and using a wine flagon nylon cleaning brush pulled all the pipe work through , cleaned the sink and washing machine water traps . Still no Joy . We lifted the outside manhole cover and found nothing untoward but as a precaution dismantled the upstairs plumbing and soil stack from the toilet & also gave it a thorough internal clean.
By Sunday afternoon we were having to have all the windows open , eating our meals out of cans cooked on the BBQ down the garden as far away from the house as we could get.
Sunday night was evil , it was so bad we booked into one of those one night bed places that party goers etc. use after a big night out on the town .
Nipping back on Monday to get our clothes for the new day we found that they had also started to smell like a ten week old corpse in the sun .
People at work avoided me There didn't appear to be any of my neighbours missing from view so I dismissed the idea of any of them rotting away .
Determined to find out what the smell was I borrowed a breathing set from work and started to methodically search the whole three bed roomed house from top to bottom including the loft .
In the loft there was hardly any smell nothing in any of the bed rooms nor the lounge ..no holes in the three piece suite the smell definitely got worse when you entered the kitchen .
We moved out till the Friday night when we could investigate things further .
When I got home from work I emptied all the cupboards and laid all the stuff out on the lounge carpet ..... nothing found .
I took the kick boards of the kitchen cabinets .... nothing .... but boy oh boy the stench was toenail wrenching .
Got a torch and a mirror and looked behind the back boards of the kitchen cabinets .... nothing .
Rechecked I'd not missed anything on any of the tops of the kitchen cabinets when I heard this gentle bubbly fart noise as I looked over the top of the oven and microwave tower. Was nearly sick when I took the breather off to get my head over the top of the tower to look down the back of it .
About half way down was this 4 inch thick bloated greenish brown sausage leaking out some green slime .
I managed to make it outside without the mask before hooping up my toe nails . Mike came back from work just then and saw me upchucking , so he laughed like a drain .
I played dumb , telling him I'd eaten something that disagreed with me at lunchtime and asked him if he was tall enough to stand on the steps and check out the back of the tower just in case that was where " The Thing " was .
He mounted the steps had a quick look and came down like a bolt of lightening & managed to throw up on to the path as he passed the threshold like a greyhound.
I was laughing like crazy tears running out my face like rain , he had a good laugh and another puke as well .
He then remembered me buying some of those cat food sausages of a market stall a few months previously , he'd put a full unopened one on top of the oven tower out of reach of Ginge ..
Now Ginge was not a cat to take no lightly , he'd obviously managed to jump up to the top of the tower and roll the sausage down the back .
Well Mike and I laughed like drains whilst we were outside. So much that we were sick several more times and got head aches ,then Mike had a devilish plan .
Extract the sausage and put it in front /under the front rh. wheel of Dave's car (our neighbour ).
More laughing like drains and being sick , we drew straws to be the one to disconnect the gas oven , undo the tower wall fixings to get the sausage out .
I drew the short straw and over the next two hours of vomiting and laughing I managed it then slid it out my marigolded hands into a bin bag down the garden & tied it off .
I gave the emulsion painted wall & tiled floor behind the tower a neat bleaching for a few minutes , then washed the area in a lemon scented dish wash liquid , suddenly the home started to sweeten up .
But that bugger Mike was working out how to get the festering sausage under Dave's car without being seen .
Seeing as I did the cooker it was down to Mike to place the turd , Imagine 2 grown blokes trying to stifle giggles like a pair of school girls in a church at 22.30 at night crawling along a garden fence line & through shrubbery on a mission .
After Mike got it in place we crawled back the way we came.
Alison just happened to drop by on her way home from her barbershop singing rehearsal and saw Mike and I crawling the last few yards back into my garden .
We couldn't speak to her for laughing and trying to be sick.
Eventually things calmed down and we managed to tell her what we'd done .
Next morning about 8.30 ( Saturday ) we hear someone effing and blinding and then them throwing up , car door slamming and a front door slamming .
Yup you guessed Dave did his normal thing of opening the car window, lighting a ciggy and starting to drive off his drive onto the road .. .. When we fessed up a few weeks later we found that as he'd run over the sausage it has squirted out over his tow-a -van trailer and also up into his engine compartment , as he got out the car the threw up at the stench , stood in it and some of the sausage then walked it into his house.
Not bad revenge against someone who was always being a practical joker ..it took him several months before he'd speak to us and even longer till he saw the funny side of things .
Topic: Ever so slightly in the dog house. (Read 8421 times)
