NOAH'S ARK 2009
In the year 2009 The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Ireland, and said:
'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.'
He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying: 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.
'Noah!' He roared, 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'
'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval and I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for smoke alarms, a sprinkler system and a fire escape never mind the hassle about life boats and life jackets.
My near neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site and a change of use, even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
An Taisce have objected to the Ark because it is a once off structure – we are currently appealing their decision to An Bord Pleannala.
We had to then go to appeal to the Minister for a decision on the planning application and it now looks like that will end in the High Court and after that there is the Supreme Court and even the European Court of Justice.
Then the Department of Transport and the Road Safety Authority and the ESB demanded a bond of €200,000 each, be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea as well as the possible road widening. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it and said I was watching too much TV.
Getting the wood for the Ark was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and as we live in an Area of Special Conservation set up in order to protect the spotted owl I will have to import the timber. This will involve licenses and application to the Department of Enterprise and Trade. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! Some of the hippies even moved into the trees to 'protect' them.
When I started gathering the other animals, the ISPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will and that there were animal welfare 'issues'. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. The rangers from the Department of the Environment –(Parks and Wildlife) are on my case as well and there is a prosecution pending for illegal 'hunting' and trapping.
Then the County Council, their Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. The Department of Agriculture say I should be notifying the movements of the animals for traceability and that the nitrogen produced by all the animals will contravene the EU Nitrates Directive. They are sending inspectors out next week.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many disabled carpenters I'm supposed to hire for my building team.
The 4 trades unions involved in the building project say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only accredited 'fully-qualified' workers with Ark-building experience and that I pay at least twice the minimum wage and have you seen the paperwork associated with PAYE Pensions and PRSI?
To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. '
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The Irish Government are beating me to it.'
Topic: Wanted ARK any condition considered!! (Read 3069 times)
