Author Topic: silly jokes  (Read 32597 times)

Hilarysmum

  • Joined Oct 2007
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #15 on: June 03, 2009, 03:37:12 pm »
Oh dear, I feel really dreary now cos I read   The pen is in her mouth 
I know Im getting old but really now totally depressed.

Farmer

  • Joined May 2009
  • Sidway, Staffordshire
    • Farmeats.com
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #16 on: June 07, 2009, 11:22:35 pm »
Snap...that's what I read too...ah well I'd better go and find the Horlics; night, night
 :farmer:

kingnigel

  • Joined May 2009
  • Gainsborough
  • www.zabalaz.co.uk
    • Zabalaz Siberian Huskies
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #17 on: June 08, 2009, 12:20:05 am »
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
" Over here on the swing ," replied the drunk.


kn

Rosemary

  • Joined Oct 2007
  • Barry, Angus, Scotland
    • The Accidental Smallholder
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #18 on: June 08, 2009, 07:21:03 pm »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D

MiriMaran

  • Joined Feb 2009
  • Derbyshire
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #19 on: June 08, 2009, 07:54:56 pm »

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their  pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all  around the front garden.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and  there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even  bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against  one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cbeebies channel, and  the lounge was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the  work tops, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a  broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the  back door.
 
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes,  looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something  serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.  As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had  been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in  her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his  day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work  and you ask me what in the world I do all day?" 
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

MiriMaran

  • Joined Feb 2009
  • Derbyshire
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #20 on: June 08, 2009, 08:07:08 pm »
What Religion is Your Bra?


A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. .
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'

MiriMaran

  • Joined Feb 2009
  • Derbyshire
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #21 on: June 08, 2009, 08:18:13 pm »
My friend drowned in a bowl of Muesli - he was pulled down by a strong currant!!

A 0 and an 8 were walking through a really hot desert the 8 says "Wow I'm so hot!"
The 0 replies " cool down, loosen up like I did and undo your belt!"

MiriMaran

  • Joined Feb 2009
  • Derbyshire
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #22 on: June 08, 2009, 08:21:03 pm »
The  boss wondered why one of his most dependable and valued employees  had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of  the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and  was greeted with a child's whisper. '

"Hello?"
'Is  your daddy home?' he asked.
"Yes ",  whispered the small voice.
May  I talk with him?'
The child  whispered, "  No".
Surprised  and still wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your  Mummy there?'
"Yes."       
'May  I talk with her?'
Again  the small voice whispered, '"No."
Hoping  there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss  asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
"Yes",  whispered the child, "a  policeman". 
Wondering  what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,  'May I speak with the policeman?'
"No  he's busy" ,  whispered  the child.
'Busy doing what?' 
"Talking  to Mummy and Daddy",  came  the whispered answer.
Growing  more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the  earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that  noise?'
"A  helicopter" ,  answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?'  demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again,  whispering, the child answered, "The  search team just landed a helicopter".
Alarmed,  concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they  searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied  with a muffled giggle...

 

.........

 

 
 
 

"Me".
 

doganjo

  • Joined Aug 2012
  • Clackmannanshire
  • Qui? Moi?
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #23 on: June 08, 2009, 09:22:01 pm »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Always have been, always will be, a WYSIWYG - black is black, white is white - no grey in my life! But I'm mellowing in my old age

sheila

  • Joined Apr 2008
  • Mablethorpe Lincolnshire
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #24 on: June 08, 2009, 10:02:33 pm »
 have a look at thsi.
  www.videosift.com/video/naked-swedish-men-and-the-danceof the crispbread

northfifeduckling

  • Joined Jan 2009
  • Fife
    • North Fife Blog
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #25 on: June 08, 2009, 11:38:42 pm »
What do you do with a rubber trumpet?
*
*
*
*
*
*
join an elastic band

(I know it's old, but it's got something, har har) and another:


I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.
 
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
 


I used to like that little s**t, Eric.
 
« Last Edit: June 08, 2009, 11:50:49 pm by northfifeduckling »

doganjo

  • Joined Aug 2012
  • Clackmannanshire
  • Qui? Moi?
Always have been, always will be, a WYSIWYG - black is black, white is white - no grey in my life! But I'm mellowing in my old age

Farmer

  • Joined May 2009
  • Sidway, Staffordshire
    • Farmeats.com
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #27 on: June 09, 2009, 11:59:50 am »
Re: Northfifeduckling....I'll bet HE was the nine year old brat that was spoken about whenever you read DIY instructions...he's just graduated to computers

Farmer
 :farmer:

Rosemary

  • Joined Oct 2007
  • Barry, Angus, Scotland
    • The Accidental Smallholder
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #28 on: June 09, 2009, 10:11:12 pm »
I SO need to get the sound sorted on my PC.

sheila

  • Joined Apr 2008
  • Mablethorpe Lincolnshire
Re: silly jokes
« Reply #29 on: June 10, 2009, 03:34:43 pm »
 here's one for the ladies.
whywomenneedcatalogs.wmv

 

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