[suziequeue]

My OH's father died at the end of February. He is still depserately sad about it.

After his Dad's death he threw himself into a car restoration project but that's finished now and he is descending into a pretty despondent state.

None of my immediate family have died so I cannot truly understand what he is going through.

Is there a book I can read on how wives can support their bereaved husbands or anybody on this forum who can tell me how best to suppport him?

Grateful for any tips

Susanna

[doganjo]

I don't know of any books, but I do know what he is going through.  My Dad died suddenly but he was quite old, even so it was a shock, my Mum died of lung cancer after a three month battle, that was a nightmare watching her die slowly, and often in agony, unable to draw breath; both my husbands died in accidents, the first was instant - he never knew, and we couldn't say goodbye, the second lived for four days afterwards, we didn't say goodbye as we didn't know what was going to happen - that was a roller coaster - thought he was getting better, then went worse, then improved etc etc.

We all have to learn to live with death, but when it is someone close it makes you think of your own mortaility.  I imagine that is what he is doing right now.  Projects only postpone the grieving process, they don't stop it.  The only advice I can give you is for you both if possible to sit down quietly some evening, perhaps with a glass of wine, and gently prod him to talk about the relatrionship with his father.  There may be aspects of it that he regrets and feels he is stuck in a time warp as he can't go back and sort it.  I have felt that with all my four bereavements, and was fortunate with my first husband to have a wonderful friend (minister) who put it this way.

'There is a huge, green, slimy pit in front of you right now.  You are slowly sliding into it.  Do you want to slide down into that slime?   Only you can take my hand and allow me to pull you out of it'  He quietly and slowly stretched out his hand, and I put mine forward - his grip was strong and it was what I needed, I fell into a welcoming and reassuring hug, and from then on everything fell into perspective.  The other three bereavements I had to deal with myself, but I have always remembered Matthew's words and actions.  What I didn't know at the time was that his own wife was dying of cancer too.

One more thing - the first year is the worst, believe me, it DOES get better after that anniversary.

I hope that has been of some help to you and your husband.  Feel free to let him read this if you think it might help.

My very good wishes to you both and my condolonces on his loss of I am sure a much loved father.

[ellied]

I've had a lot of deaths in my life, you never get used to it and everyone mourns differently to some degree, but there are some common stages which have been documented across all cultures. 

The best book on this subject is Death & Dying by Elisabeth Kubler Ross - she spent a lifetime working with the dying and wrote many books but this is the basic/original one from 1969.  The Kubler Ross description of grieving (whether for someone who has died or in the process of coming to terms with dying) after the initial shock is denial (probably the car project helped here), anger (someone or an institution to blame), bargaining (if I did this, or had only done that..), depression (realising the finality of death and ones own mortality, crying, feeling lost, hopeless) and finally acceptance and starting to reconnect to life.

I am a therapist so I have to say talking to someone is probably his best way forward, whoever it is.  If it can be you then just listen, don't try and fix or improve his mood, let him go into his grief and be with him there until he comes through.  That is the key to reaching acceptance, having all the previous stage given permission to be heard without someone trying to define or change what is.  The stages aren't linear, some are revisited more than once as I say we're all different and each bereavement is different, but it may help to have a basic sense of the landscape..

[SallyintNorth]

So far I haven't had to confront the loss of a near relative, either, but one of my relatives found Cruse tremendously helpful.  Their webpage http://www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/AboutGrief.html includes some advice and links to booklets, articles, etc.

One of the links takes you to that Radio 4 programme that talks in a very personal way about how we as a society don't know how to talk to bereaved people : http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/factual/idontknow.shtml

I hope you manage to find ways to help your OH work through his grief; I can imagine that feeling powerless to help him when he is hurting so must be very difficult for you, too.

All the best, Susanna.  We're all here for you if you need us.  {{{hugs}}}

[little blue]

I was going to suggest Cruse.

Be there for him, its not easy  for you either, but bear in mind grief can manifest itself in sometimes quite surprising ways so maybe when he's snappy or cross with you... he's actually grieving his Dad.

maybe keep a diary, you and/or him, so you can look over it objectivley and see if he is improving or in a more depressed state over the months ahead. Its not always easy to tell while you'll living it - better to look back, or get somebody close to do it.

best wishes to you both, us TASers have been through alot between us so here if you need us....

[doganjo]

Sometimes music brings the tears that couldn't come before.  I haven't a clue what the song was today but I was suddenly crying while driving home from walking the dogs today.  You never stop missing loved ones you've lost.

[suziequeue]

Thankyou all for your posts. It's been really helpful to know that.

I am familiar with Kubler Ross's work so might read it again.

Bless you all.

[Sylvia]

Losing your parents,at whatever age takes a great deal of getting used to. They've been there, the mainspring of your life for ever. My Dad died sixteen years ago, my Ma eleven years ago and for the first year after their deaths I still expected them to be there if I 'phoned.
It sounds like a cliche but time is the only healer. I still hear my Dad's voice as I work among my animals, his advice still comes through loud and clear and I hear Ma's words of warning if I'm about to embark on a chancy venture!(Dad would have been right behind me )
Your husband will catch up with his Dad again, I am certain and he would hate to think of your husband going through these agonies. How many parents would suffer instead of their children? Most, I suspect and your husbands Dad would feel the same.
To keep pushing your grief aside only puts it off, it doesn't get rid of it. Persuade him to talk about his Dad, even if it makes him cry. It's a long voyage, grief and you will only get there by keeping going.

[Hilarysmum]

Just be there for him.  And most importantly if he wants to cry encourage it.  Don't let his grief turn inwards.  Time will eventually lessen the pain of loss.  Be kind to him as well as yourself, it is hard to be constantly sympathetic.  Loss is handled differently by each person.  Sorry not able to put this as well as I would like. 

[Fleecewife]

Hi Susanna - you have had some great advice here. Aren't TASers lovely 
I was only just 15 when my mum died and my dad was too distraught himself to be able to help my brother and me to cope, but his way was to clam up totally, so we were not allowed to mention mum at all.  It was only when I met my husband 3 years later that I was able to talk about it.  His family had a much better way to cope with death which was to talk about it, remembering happy times, fond times, silly times, daft times and eventually having a laugh.  Your husband will be a long way off being able to laugh when he remembers his father, but it will come eventually and will complete the healing.  It's nearly 45 years now since my mum died but I remember her every day, so your husband will never forget and in fact remembering is the way to keep someone we love alive in our hearts.  I think that even just the fact that you are asking how to help your husband is a big step on the way to helping him to cope.  He knows he is not alone with his grief and that you don't think less of him for grieving.  Sometimes men think they have to be macho all the time so let him know being sad is ok and he is honoring his father by his distress and sadness.   

[Sandy]

Loosing someone or even something changes your own life balance, our place in the world. particulay when its a close family member or parent and you suddenly realise your own mortality. My parents both died when I was in my 30's and struggling with family and marrage and it was very hard, I would start to cry when I saw someone in the street or a film or music, still have a lump on occasions and its years ago now.
Talking and going on a memory trip is good, get him to talk about past fun times with his dad and if you can, get him to have a smile, I found doing some voluntary work with people in need helped put my problems into prospective, one thing I hated after my mum died was going on holiday so soon after her death, I needed my surroundings to stay familiar in order to deal and adjust to my new situation!! It will pass but like any hurt, you end up with a scar.

While writing this I cannot help remember a horrid moment in my working life when I got some one to talk!!!!

I used to supervise home/family visits for children in care, this time it was a girl of 16 with learning difficulties who had been removed from her home as a toddler due to suspected abuse, she had no family contact and her gran was ill so it was my job to take her for a visit for the first time in years and it was 3 days before Christmas.

After introductions there was no conversation so I looked for conversation starters, for ex:-

An add on the TV with dogs, ME, I love dogs do you?

GRAN, just had to have mine put down after 12 years

SLIP UP 1 Then, after a while, ME, that Christmas card is pretty,

GRAN, its from my eldest daughter in AUstrailia and its last years as she just died of Cancer

SLIP UP 2 After a while, have you other children (I saw a family photo)

GRAN, I had three, they are all dead now, the eldest jumped off a multi story car park 6 years ago and the middle daughter set fire to herself in the middle of town!

BIG BIG SLIP UP 3 So sorry!!!

I must have left her so upset and I wish I had been told before I went what a sad life this women had!!!!

[suziequeue]

Today we wee talking in the car about his Dad's vegetables. I mentioned that it might be nice to have a picture of him on the mantlepiece - a nice one from the wedding which he thought was a good idea.

I feel alot better for knowing just to be there for him.

Thankyou all so much

[doganjo]

Today we wee talking in the car about his Dad's vegetables. I mentioned that it might be nice to have a picture of him on the mantlepiece - a nice one from the wedding which he thought was a good idea.

I feel alot better for knowing just to be there for him.

Thankyou all so much

You can help him a lot by bringing his Dad into the conversation in small ways like that.  Well done.  At one stage after my first husband died, my daughter took me by the shoulders, spun me round to face her, and very forcefully said 'Don't shut us out, Mum, Donald and I loved him too'  After that I started taliking about him, and that helped me grieve, I did the same with John, and the kids obviously appreciated it as they told me soon after that John was 'their father for a  third of their lives'  I hadn't even though of him being their father.  Talking about someone who has died keeps them alive in a  sense.

[Plantoid]

My OH's father died at the end of February. He is still depserately sad about it.

After his Dad's death he threw himself into a car restoration project but that's finished now and he is descending into a pretty despondent state.

None of my immediate family have died so I cannot truly understand what he is going through.

Is there a book I can read on how wives can support their bereaved husbands or anybody on this forum who can tell me how best to suppport him?

Grateful for any tips

Susanna

 Hi Susanna,
There is a book called " never a negative thought " I understand it has helped a lot of my friends who have used it .

 I'd also try to find out via the doctors , CAB or social services if there are any breavment councillors in your area.  Perhaps setting up a  situation with his GP for a referal to such a councillor etc. before hand   It might also be good for you to attend also some of the sessions after all it is also affecting you and your living family ..


Then gently tell your hubby you want to help him get back to his life and family by going to see his GP

 David