[PipKelpy]

I know there are similar threads lurking, but any one have one?

I know I did earlier this year, I'm 48, so maybe it's my age and this year has been a hell of a year, I thought it would be a good year.

Earlier this year, mum, who was born here said to me "if you want to pack it all in, I don't mind" still doesn't mean that I won't feel guilty knowing I'm 3rd generation and the previous 2 have worked etc so that we can own our own land, grow our own food. (But in a later breath, mum who had said she didn't mind if I called it quits then turned around "you have to keep going, I want (grandson) to carry it all on" (not my child, my nephew who isn't interested, no one else is unless it's all sold for building!!)

Right, emotional wobble? Yesterday we learnt that someone we knew had died. A hard working farmer, in his late fifties, no children and he's died, suddenly. He leaves a whopping farm, cattle and 2 younger brothers (in 50's, none with children).

I don't actually agree with building on farm land and the way our place is, we aren't comfortable about strangers coming onto the land, ie renting it out. But this chaps death, i said to mum, what's the point? Mum's mentality is "buy more animals to eat the grass, buy, buy etc" which I did and I said now, I regret doing it. We're still way under stocked and I have enough winter fodder in but it's not what I wanted to do. I would rather way too less animals on the place, but the right amount so when lamb, enough to sell and a few for us to eat, if wanted. Or, if for any reason, the right amount so if we didn't lamb, it wasn't a "oh my god no lambs but big mouths moment!"

She's more decrepit, they've put her on list for a new hip but because they also told her she could die.......... Now she says she not going to take it when the date comes. She's 80 and says not ready to die yet but whinges due to pain, can't do stuff like she used to.........

I said to her we own the place, we're debt free, but still need to watch the pennies, this chap who's died, lots of money yet still dead. My dad has money, checks his bank balance every day, goes around the house with a torch to save electric, short tempered etc, refuses to spend his money, think tight!

Is it only me or do any of you have emotional wobbles?

[Bywaters]

I think we all have "why are we doing this" moments, especially when triggered by a tragedy such as you mentioned.

I wonder if the "simple" act of writing a list of +ive and _ives would help, esp if you did the same exercise with no land or animals or even with the other option of renting the land out ?

Parents have a habit of changing their points of view over short times it's not a bad thing

Have a cup of tea and try t thinkk positive thoughts      I hope that you can gain some comfort from the folk on here, they are a grand lot for helping.

[doganjo]

OK Here's MY take on life!

At 47 I lost my soul mate, childhood sweetheart, dearest ever husband and my kids' dad,  to a young lad driving his father's land rover, pulling a horsebox with two large motorbikes in it while tired after a long journey and day off road trialling. He'd fallen asleep at the wheel

I met my partner at work a couple of years later and fell instantly for him, as he did me - second soul mate and just as lovely a man as my husband, a second caring dad for my almost adult kids. He was a mountaineer, and one wintry day he went out with some friends and a couple of young lads climbing gullies.  He'd told the boys to check the cornices before going through them, but they forgot and a pile of snow took him 1000 feet down.  He seemed Ok for a couple of days in ICU then they discovered some internal injuries he'd never have recovered from, and he died four days after the fall.

Couldn't face staying on the farm without him, so I downsized from 25 acres we rejuvenated, two barns we repaired, and a cottage we modernised, to a brand new house I designed and project managed myself, keeping ten acres, then again moving 150 miles south nearer my kids when they worried about me falling off gates and fences and breaking limbs.
Downsized to an acre, large fairly modern bungalow,  only four legs kept were 5 dogs and two cats, two legs were 5 ducks and 12 hens

12 years later my health and age were catching up so now I'm in a much smaller bungalow with two fifths of an acre, 2 dogs, a cat, 4 stupid posh hens that don't lay.

Now I love me, I do what I want to do, what I need to do comes second. Neither of my husbands reached retirement so I retired at 60 and aim to get as much pension as I can

Take stock of what you have, bear in mind you own the place not your mum, and do what you think is best for you (and partner if you have one)

And you have my very best wishes! 

[Rosemary]

Course we do. Even smallholders are human. I don't know what you actually do on your holding, but it's OK to give yourself a break, retrench, relax, then see how you want to go forward. We sold all our sheep last year - not irreversible, I can buy more if I feel the loss (haven't so far). We're going down to a few hens for ourselves.  I can always buy more hens if I choose to. Might not raise pigs next year, maybe we will. Keeping the cattle. Selling Dalmore would be irreversible. If you're feeling a bit wobbly, don't do anything irreversible. That woudl be my advice.

[Womble]

Emotional Wobble

You called? 

[PipKelpy]

you own the place not your mum,

Not as simple as it sounds. Deeds of gift over 20 years ago. Mum owns the house, the land which is mine, belongs to the house. It could be sold, because of its position, its prime building, but its not what I would want to do.  We did actually consider renting, but a place up the road is locked into a tenancy arrangement, owners want to return, tenancy still has years to run.......

Its very much a wobble. I took over looking after mum back in the early 2000's as I was still at home and had livestock here (nothing wrong with that!) But I have a problem with my memory, some might see it as an advantage....., I don't forget!

About 10 years ago, there was an incident here and rather my sister say "Oh my god, are you all right" Her first words were "Poor ******" referring to the person who was responsible! (We've always clashed!) When I asked her what she meant, she said she felt sorry for him, how awful it happened to him! I seriously could have throttled her as it cost me quite bit of money to put right and told everyone, no-one getting Christmas presents off me that year, I couldn't afford it (that bit actually was the best thing about it all, no longer had to fork out. Haven't done ever since!)

Now, when I had surgery 6 years ago, I couldn't lamb that winter, mum and I agreed, not worth it, (surgery on both hands), sister? "You must, you HAVE TO!" No I don't I told her, I cant be bothered, I'm having a me Christmas. That was actually the last time mum had fun outside, she forced herself to go out every day, make sure Juniper was ok, sheep ok, she said she enjoyed herself. Once my hand was fairly healed, I would go out with her to do the hay cratches and she watched with disgust as the minute the sheep saw me, they left her and went straight to me. As did Juniper. She said that they were very ungrateful! (I suppose that they were).

A year off DOES give you pause, it can also muck the sheep cycles up as they didn't take to the tup the next year. I said it didn't matter "Oh yes it does" says sister! Her tup was chucked down here and I lambed later, I didn't enjoy it.

Over the next few years the sheep numbers were reduced, cow numbers increased as I do prefer cattle. However, that can also come with issues, as we found out in 2020 and AI not taking.

I genuinely thought (and I said that to mum) with all the crap that happened over the last few years, I thought that this year would be a good year, I needed it to be. But my foot never healed right, then it went again this year and when you're dragging your foot then every time you stand on it feels like someone is sticking a knife right into your sole, then lambing issues, "you're not right, if you want to pack up, don't worry, I won't mind",  dog goes blind due to SARDS, "I fell down couple of days ago...didnt tell you.....", costs rising, "buy more sheep, buy more sheep, you have to buy more sheep to eat the grass, something has to eat the grass", a bad tempered father who will shout at me for no reason (in my home, not his) despite the fact he seems to think he has the god given right to do it and won't apologise even though I hadn't done anything (to be honest, I was good, I took a deep breath and walked away, eventually mum came looking and said that he had calmed down, could I go back out and help him again!) - (we're only in the summer by now and I am starting to feel like a pressure cooker!! And then the car got hit......Seriously, its been a hell of a year!)

I have actually ranted at mum, with a sister here as a witness because Mum seems to think that allowing dad to rant at me is acceptable. (Sister here actually disgusted that mum stood and allowed him to speak to me like that, mum says just ignore him, but he was nasty and I've told her I've had enough of it.) I'm actually the only daughter to goes to see him, the one won't have anything to do with him, the other works and I know it sounds awful saying this, but he is a scrooge and if there is any issues, he complains, more than mum. I have said that whenever I am around him I feel dark and drained, he is always so damn negative.

Its NOT about selling, honestly. With this chap dying, it reminds me that should I drop dead tomorrow, that the sheep I have, some I like, some not, it doesnt matter, they would be gone, there is no one here that would want or could do them. We have here something that lots want and I know that I am lucky to have it, but sometimes I do think if I won the lottery tomorrow, would I walk away? Honestly? NO, I wouldnt. I would get rid of the sheep I don't want (sounds awful I know) but with a lottery win, selling the sheep at a loss wouldnt be a problem! And I would switch the gas CH on because the house is cold! The MF stove may be going but it only heats the water and 2 radiators and the room that it is in, the Gas CH heats ALL the radiators (9). See emotional wobble!

[Rosemary]

Why do you have to have sheep?

[chrismahon]

After my apprenticeship I ended up as a draughtsman- hated it. But I then thought, what would I do otherwise? Decided my best option was to be a good draughtsman and I was. But despite that, in 30 years I only had a year that I actually enjoyed (then a change in management), the rest was just a job.


So I guess the lesson there is work will always be a chore. Question is can it be better or is it best to move on, or can it be separated from the rest of your life?


It is, after all, your life and you can't backtrack and get bad years back. I think decide what's best for you and you alone. You can waste so much worrying about other problems that are not of your making. The last thing you need is physical injuries as they will plague you for life.


I think is if you are not living the way you want to what are your alternatives? If you can afford gas CH get it, because living in a cold environment is very bad for you health. Was told last week (by someone from the health service) our heating is too low at 17C, it should be 18C for activity and 21C for stationary. Incidentally the French Government have set a maximum heated environment of just 19C and a report showed an office chap at a computer with scarf, wooly hat, quilted coat and fingerless gloves!

[Richmond]

Surely 21 degrees is too warm? I would be in a T shirt if the house were that hot!

[chrismahon]

I agree [member=206414]Richmond[/member] , 21C would be too warm for me as well. But a big factor is what you are used to and it takes quite a while to adjust. I remember when we used to holiday in France mid-September and were surprised to see people in thick jumpers when we were wearing T shirts. Of course we now realise they had just been through the hot and dry of a French Summer and we had been in the cool and damp of an English one.

[PipKelpy]

Why do you have to have sheep?

Because they eat the grass!

I have tried upping the cattle and we've found it doesn't work due to the land, if it's a wet winter! Ground under water etc. Idea was 4 cows,calving in the winter, (duplicating what we did with the sheep) selling weanlings  before winter........ But that only works if the blasted cretins hold to AI and calve at the right times!

I have toughened up, compared to how i used to be, now a disaster is "oh well!" Mary gets a pass still until she starts not holding to AI. (she's only a 3 tit cow and more than enough milk in winter, never mind spring/summer calving!)

My gripe re sheep is the mentality "got to have more....." that mum has. I like sheep, but not the demented ***** that seem to take pleasure in making my life hell! I hobble my own speed outside and I would rather  animals that see me as friend rather than foe. The wild ones will depart, question is whether it's before lambing or after.

Gas central heating? We have it, what we don't have is the money to run it constantly! I have Mum plonked on a chair in front of the stove (it cooked a joint of pork and spuds today for dinner (and tomorrows, all plated up, Is ready for reheating in microwave!))

Smart meters, they also come with usage tally! Previously mum has said, "doesn't matter, switch heating on longer." Now I've showed her our usage, she understands. The stove is plumbed into the water so I've switched off the Gas HotWater, mum complains the water is too hot, I can't win!

When someone you know, especially young, dies, it's shocking and sad. mum has always wanted to see Niagara Falls but knows she probably won't due to age and decrepitness and my last break (few days away) from here was 20 years ago. I'm one of those, why pay to go away, waste of money that could be spent on livestock (children substitute!!)

But that's me, some need to travel, beach, sunbathe etc, I never have.

[PipKelpy]

Surely 21 degrees is too warm? I would be in a T shirt if the house were that hot!

The last 2 days, the room says 20 and we're sitting here with a scarf and hat  on and stove going full pelt.

Our house is old, it's as insulated as it's supposed to be but we can feel draughts. My sister has matching house (the other semi) and she forked out for new double glazing this year and her house is wood central heating. Full pelt she says her house is cold. Also depends on which way the wind is blowing, if our house is cold, her house is warm and vice versa.

[Rosemary]

Get rid of the demented sheep. We used to have two that wouldn't come in for a bucket. Dan suggested that we kill them and we did. Life became much easier and after that, any that didn't fit the system were gone. Life's too short for fannying around.

[chrismahon]

That could be because the room is damp [member=194324]PipKelpy[/member] . Your perception of temperature is very dependant on humidity. Before you spend money on more heating buy a dehumidifier. Delonghi make good equipment. It may be your house is damp and not cold? Then find out why your house is damp?


Draughts can come from cold walls. The air falls off them and swirls around you feet- we have it here. The walls need pointing.

[landroverroy]

My take on this is:


The house and land are both paid for but you and your parents are not benefiting from the money that is tied up in them.
You don't like the idea of building on farm land, but that is exactly what is likely to happen if and when the farm is left to your non farming nephew. So you are all putting up with a less than ideal situation merely for the benefit of someone else. 
So I suggest you sell the farm - that's going to happen eventually anyway, whether you like it or not.  So sell it for building if that's what will get you sufficient money to live in more comfort. If you don't then someone else will. There's little you can do to stop it as even covenants can relatively easily be legally overcome.


Use the money to buy a place with a smaller acreage and some decent facilities so you can still keep a few livestock. But just enough for you to still have an interest, without it becoming a chore as it is now. If possible get somewhere with an annex for your parents so they are independent, but you can still keep an eye on  your mother, without having to live with your (apparently) totally unpleasant and obnoxious father.


Hopefully, if you sell it right you will all have some money left over to get some enjoyment out of life instead of just existing, which appears to be what is happening now.


And finally  - I suggest you ignore your father unless he speaks to you in a polite and civilised fashion.