Smallholders Insurance from Greenlands

Author Topic: Emotional Wobble  (Read 1253 times)

doganjo

  • Joined Aug 2012
  • Clackmannanshire
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Re: Emotional Wobble
« Reply #15 on: December 18, 2022, 02:18:16 pm »
Surely 21 degrees is too warm? I would be in a T shirt if the house were that hot!
If you are 100% fit and not past 60 perhaps, but it's just right for the elderly and infirm. In fact care homes have it at nearer 24C
Always have been, always will be, a WYSIWYG - black is black, white is white - no grey in my life! But I'm mellowing in my old age

doganjo

  • Joined Aug 2012
  • Clackmannanshire
  • Qui? Moi?
    • ABERDON GUNDOGS for work and show
    • Facebook
Re: Emotional Wobble
« Reply #16 on: December 18, 2022, 02:27:08 pm »
My take on this is:


The house and land are both paid for but you and your parents are not benefiting from the money that is tied up in them.
You don't like the idea of building on farm land, but that is exactly what is likely to happen if and when the farm is left to your non farming nephew. So you are all putting up with a less than ideal situation merely for the benefit of someone else. 
So I suggest you sell the farm - that's going to happen eventually anyway, whether you like it or not.  So sell it for building if that's what will get you sufficient money to live in more comfort. If you don't then someone else will. There's little you can do to stop it as even covenants can relatively easily be legally overcome.


Use the money to buy a place with a smaller acreage and some decent facilities so you can still keep a few livestock. But just enough for you to still have an interest, without it becoming a chore as it is now. If possible get somewhere with an annex for your parents so they are independent, but you can still keep an eye on  your mother, without having to live with your (apparently) totally unpleasant and obnoxious father.


Hopefully, if you sell it right you will all have some money left over to get some enjoyment out of life instead of just existing, which appears to be what is happening now.


And finally  - I suggest you ignore your father unless he speaks to you in a polite and civilised fashion.
Best advice of all!  If you donlt take it you'll just continue to whinge about a rotten dad, a frail mum that you possibly regret looking after (even if only occasionally), unwieldy animals and too much grass. 
I know farmers and smallholders feel they have to look after grass, but my third of an acre ids left to run wild because my dogs love hunting, digging, and chasing birds and squirrels.

Be brave and just phone your estate agent tomorrow
Always have been, always will be, a WYSIWYG - black is black, white is white - no grey in my life! But I'm mellowing in my old age

Womble

  • Joined Mar 2009
  • Stirlingshire, Central Scotland
Re: Emotional Wobble
« Reply #17 on: December 19, 2022, 12:51:12 pm »
^ I'm going to counter that!   Don't make a permanent decision at a time when you're knackered and emotionally vulnerable.

In the meantime, how about getting rid of the sheep that are causing you the problems (all of them if it comes to it), and finding somebody who'll cut your fields for hay instead?
"All fungi are edible. Some fungi are only edible once." -Terry Pratchett

Anke

  • Joined Dec 2009
  • St Boswells, Scottish Borders
Re: Emotional Wobble
« Reply #18 on: December 19, 2022, 01:39:49 pm »
This may not apply to you at all, but looking at your age and asuming you are female (please ignore if you are not) - get some info on the pre-meno and the meno pause. It sure messes women up big way... those estrogen patches can be a livesaver - literally! I do know what I am talking about...


As to selling your land - if it is yours (and not your parents) you have to think about YOUR attachment to it, rather than theirs. But you may well be not able to sell it while they are still around.


You can always re-wild it - or plant trees on at least some of it, you can get grants for it (Woodland Trust). I don't think you are really reducing the value of the land, with good planning you can still get building plots out of it (if that's you want later) and agroforestry is getting much more popular now as well.


And no you do not need sheep if you do not want them. But the "having to lamb the ewes every year as it otherwise messes them up" is an urban myth. My Shetlands do lamb now not every year, some not even every other year and when I do want them I have so far always got them in lamb successfully. Cows do not need to calve every year, and my goats also kid every other year usually.



waterbuffalofarmer

  • Joined Apr 2014
  • Mid Wales
  • Owner of 61 Mediterranean water buffaloes
Re: Emotional Wobble
« Reply #19 on: December 25, 2022, 10:13:35 pm »

you own the place not your mum,

Not as simple as it sounds. Deeds of gift over 20 years ago. Mum owns the house, the land which is mine, belongs to the house. It could be sold, because of its position, its prime building, but its not what I would want to do.  We did actually consider renting, but a place up the road is locked into a tenancy arrangement, owners want to return, tenancy still has years to run.......

Its very much a wobble. I took over looking after mum back in the early 2000's as I was still at home and had livestock here (nothing wrong with that!) But I have a problem with my memory, some might see it as an advantage....., I don't forget!

About 10 years ago, there was an incident here and rather my sister say "Oh my god, are you all right" Her first words were "Poor ******" referring to the person who was responsible! (We've always clashed!) When I asked her what she meant, she said she felt sorry for him, how awful it happened to him! I seriously could have throttled her as it cost me quite bit of money to put right and told everyone, no-one getting Christmas presents off me that year, I couldn't afford it (that bit actually was the best thing about it all, no longer had to fork out. Haven't done ever since!)

Now, when I had surgery 6 years ago, I couldn't lamb that winter, mum and I agreed, not worth it, (surgery on both hands), sister? "You must, you HAVE TO!" No I don't I told her, I cant be bothered, I'm having a me Christmas. That was actually the last time mum had fun outside, she forced herself to go out every day, make sure Juniper was ok, sheep ok, she said she enjoyed herself. Once my hand was fairly healed, I would go out with her to do the hay cratches and she watched with disgust as the minute the sheep saw me, they left her and went straight to me. As did Juniper. She said that they were very ungrateful! (I suppose that they were).

A year off DOES give you pause, it can also muck the sheep cycles up as they didn't take to the tup the next year. I said it didn't matter "Oh yes it does" says sister! Her tup was chucked down here and I lambed later, I didn't enjoy it.

Over the next few years the sheep numbers were reduced, cow numbers increased as I do prefer cattle. However, that can also come with issues, as we found out in 2020 and AI not taking.

I genuinely thought (and I said that to mum) with all the crap that happened over the last few years, I thought that this year would be a good year, I needed it to be. But my foot never healed right, then it went again this year and when you're dragging your foot then every time you stand on it feels like someone is sticking a knife right into your sole, then lambing issues, "you're not right, if you want to pack up, don't worry, I won't mind",  dog goes blind due to SARDS, "I fell down couple of days ago...didnt tell you.....", costs rising, "buy more sheep, buy more sheep, you have to buy more sheep to eat the grass, something has to eat the grass", a bad tempered father who will shout at me for no reason (in my home, not his) despite the fact he seems to think he has the god given right to do it and won't apologise even though I hadn't done anything (to be honest, I was good, I took a deep breath and walked away, eventually mum came looking and said that he had calmed down, could I go back out and help him again!) - (we're only in the summer by now and I am starting to feel like a pressure cooker!! And then the car got hit......Seriously, its been a hell of a year!)

I have actually ranted at mum, with a sister here as a witness because Mum seems to think that allowing dad to rant at me is acceptable. (Sister here actually disgusted that mum stood and allowed him to speak to me like that, mum says just ignore him, but he was nasty and I've told her I've had enough of it.) I'm actually the only daughter to goes to see him, the one won't have anything to do with him, the other works and I know it sounds awful saying this, but he is a scrooge and if there is any issues, he complains, more than mum. I have said that whenever I am around him I feel dark and drained, he is always so damn negative.

Its NOT about selling, honestly. With this chap dying, it reminds me that should I drop dead tomorrow, that the sheep I have, some I like, some not, it doesnt matter, they would be gone, there is no one here that would want or could do them. We have here something that lots want and I know that I am lucky to have it, but sometimes I do think if I won the lottery tomorrow, would I walk away? Honestly? NO, I wouldnt. I would get rid of the sheep I don't want (sounds awful I know) but with a lottery win, selling the sheep at a loss wouldnt be a problem! And I would switch the gas CH on because the house is cold! The MF stove may be going but it only heats the water and 2 radiators and the room that it is in, the Gas CH heats ALL the radiators (9). See emotional wobble!
heya. Sorry to hear you are going through all of this it sounds awful. About renting I really want to advise going to the TFA for advice and the best way to go about it. They have been invaluable to us for all sorts of advice when we needed it. Also get a solicitor to look at the house/farm/deeds or whatever to see if there is a way you could give it up etc if you needed to. There is no pressure on you to carry it on or to provide children to etc. This is your life and only you can dictate how it is going to go. Im not wanting to say be happy etc etc, but being not perma depressed is also a good thing to have, life wont always be happy, but from what you have described some help with things being cleared up would be good, so the TFA would be a good place to start about the renting out. Slowly do less if possible and you can rent out and get decent money too, depending on land ofc. Sheep are a big loss in this day and age, so not really worth it unless you're keeping in the hundreds haha. One person doing all that is way too much, you need a break too! you are important. We are all here for you if you need emotional support etc, if you need to dm anyone Im here a lot of the time lurking around haha, you're welcome to talk :)
the most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, loving concern.

waterbuffalofarmer

  • Joined Apr 2014
  • Mid Wales
  • Owner of 61 Mediterranean water buffaloes
Re: Emotional Wobble
« Reply #20 on: December 25, 2022, 10:15:52 pm »
This may not apply to you at all, but looking at your age and asuming you are female (please ignore if you are not) - get some info on the pre-meno and the meno pause. It sure messes women up big way... those estrogen patches can be a livesaver - literally! I do know what I am talking about...


As to selling your land - if it is yours (and not your parents) you have to think about YOUR attachment to it, rather than theirs. But you may well be not able to sell it while they are still around.


You can always re-wild it - or plant trees on at least some of it, you can get grants for it (Woodland Trust). I don't think you are really reducing the value of the land, with good planning you can still get building plots out of it (if that's you want later) and agroforestry is getting much more popular now as well.


And no you do not need sheep if you do not want them. But the "having to lamb the ewes every year as it otherwise messes them up" is an urban myth. My Shetlands do lamb now not every year, some not even every other year and when I do want them I have so far always got them in lamb successfully. Cows do not need to calve every year, and my goats also kid every other year usually.
true, we have a cow who regularly misses a year to calve, which for us is problematic, but she does calve just not every year.
the most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, loving concern.

 

Emotional meltdown

Started by waterbuffalofarmer (8.82)

Replies: 10
Views: 2364
Last post August 27, 2016, 12:19:50 pm
by doganjo

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