The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: MiriMaran on December 17, 2009, 09:39:12 pm
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Sorry I've not been around, but I've been feeling a bit low and not very sociable at the moment.
The problems with Harry continue to grow and makes me feel so low and powerless that I just feel like a totally crap mother! I feel like I'm trying so hard and getting everything wrong.
A couple of weeks ago Harry was invited to a party. It dawned on me that it was the first party he had been invited to this year. Anyway when I collected him from the party the Mum told me he had been lovely, but I found out later that infact he had been so excited he was uncontrollable. He was never mean, but was literally bouncing off the walls. I phoned the Mum to get the low down and she very honestly and bravely told me that she felt nervous having him in the house as she had no control and that she was concerned about what influence Harry has on her child in the classroom. On talking to some other Mums I have now found out that some mums don't allow Harry to be invited to parties because they are nervous of his behaviour! It had never entered my head that his behaviour could be affecting his social life and this new revelation hit me pretty hard.
So I decided to talk to his teacher and promptly burst into tears! She said that he was very full on in the classroom and consequently high maintenance and that he is very bright, but doesn't focus. She decided to start a smile chart to encourage him to have better behaviour. I wasn't completely convinced as he gets bored of charts within a week.
Anyway I started thinking that maybe we should be getting him an appointment with a Clinical Psychologist so that we can learn how to contain his extreme behaviour so that he can conform better. Harry's personality is so big and extreme whether it is anger, excitement or sadness - he needs to reduce his reactions to situations.
Last weekend he was invited to another party - a football party at the local leisure centre, which is far better suited to him rather than the previous party that was in the person's house. So last Sunday he went to Rugby and played for 2 hours and got Man of The Match and after a quick bath we went off to the party with me thinking I'll stay for the party to keep an eye on him, but it'll all be OK. Mmmmmm!
Harry's arch enemy had also been invited. This is the boy who's mother sent me the unpleasant text messages a couple of months ago. He seems like a rather bad tempered child and is definitely the naughty child of the class who spits at the teachers, tears up books and kicks the teachers!
Anyway, they played football. This other lad was coming off crying every time someone so much as touched him, deliberately tripping people up e.t.c Then the children had to form a queue to all have a go at shooting into goal - the other lad kept pushing Harry out of the queue and shouting at him to get to the back. Harry went to the back - this happend at least 5 or 6 time and then Harry had had enough and did a karate kick at the other lad, but at least a metre away. So, this lad runs off crying saying Harry kicked him and then began to cower and flinch every time Harry walked past him. It was an oscar winning performance!
Then the children went into the party room for their food and this lad kept needling away at Harry. Harry would eventually explode and then the other lad would cry and complain to one of the adults. I found it so hard to watch and not interfere that I went into the girls loos and weeped!
I know Harry is no angel and was maybe more restrained because I was there, but I just felt so sad for him that this must happen to him every day at school. I know all the other children say that Harry and this other boy fight allot in class. The idea that Harry has to go all therough primary school with this boy is so depressing and potentially damaging. Since being at school I've seen Harry become more aggressive and wonder if there is a connection.
So, on the 14th January I've got an appointment to see a doctor to try and get on the waiting list for a Clinical Psychologist so that we can sort out Harry's excesses of emotions, but also to try and give him ways of coping with this other boy.
The whole thing has just really dragged me down as I feel there is so little that I can do and the school can only tell me so much as they have to protect confidentiality!
Argh!!!!!
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That is so sad and must be hell for all concerned. Children can be so cruel. I hope you manage to get things sorted out quickly and you can all get on with a happy life. Very best wishes to you all. :) It's nice to have you back.
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Oh honey, I know just what you're going through :-* :-* :-*
There are people who can help, and places you can go to talk to other mum's in the same situation. Ask your GP or the Psychologist and they'll put you in touch with them. I can't reckomend Reiki enough for having a calming effect on Kaitlin. I know that I feel it's so heartbreaking to think of your baby, sad and alone in school, or not getting the most out of their education because they can't rein it in enough to interact with the other kids. Kaitlin's not been invited to any parties since she started school in the summer, but it doesn't seem to bother her in the slightest - she's too busy to notice. It's hard not to get down when you see or hear people's reactions to how your child behaves, but these people don't know even the half of the story, do they ? Their kids are obviously 'normal' and they don't even begin to understand how difficult it is to deal with 'challenging' behaviour and how much it wears you down, how sad it makes you and how their reaction just makes it worse. I'm right here with you on this one Miri, they don't know the strength and determination you have to just get through every day (well, for me anyway ;)) I'd like to see how they would cope with Kaitlin for half an hour, never mind 24 hours a day ! Don't let it get to you, your family is the most important thing here - it doesn't mtter in the slightest what anyone else thinks, you've just got to keep on going for their sake, be strong for them and make sure they're okay. Then, when they're tucked up in bed have a good old cry with a glass of wine. Harry will be fine, he's got you as his mum and I know you're going to make damn sure he gets the help and support he needs. Just take each day at a time, give yourself a break now and then and don't sweat the small stuff.
If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to 'vent' to, I'm right here - knowing EXACTLY how you feel.
Take care and give those boys a big hug from me,
Karen xx
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MiriMaran,
I feel so bad for you. But you have great friends here, and you shouldn't keep away unless you need to. We're all here if you need to talk, and even those of us who haven't been through something similar, we still can sympathise and feel for you too.
Beth
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Listen, I'm not convinced your son is the one needing help. The other kid is winding him up all the time. When did Harry's bad behaviour start? Maybe he is a bit wild but I'll bet it got worse when he started school? I would have him moved to another class or another school even. I have even moved house to get away from a kid that was a particularly bad influence
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It's good to have you back Mirimaran.
So sorry to hear your reasons for not being around. My thoughts and love are with you.
:love:
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I can totally sympathise!
I stopped talking my son to peoples houses, he was a nightmare. He wanted to touch their things and couldn't sit still. He only went to parties if I could stay with him as he got so exited that it could turn very "rough".
We had issues when he first started school as some kids thought it funny to wind him upcand watch him explode. They also found it funny to get him to do stupid stuff, he was so desperate foe friends that he did it to get their attention. He once threw his shoes in the burn for a laugh!
Rest assured, there is help there, but don't let them blame you! It's their first reaction to blame the parent but learn to percevere and not to take their critisisms to heart.
We are here if you need some broad shoulders!
Lee
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Ohh so sad you are having it tough, we really missed you, and are pleased to have you back.
Youre a great mum, and you are doing all that you can, do not be so hard on yourself.
I had a similar situation with Tara for four years, the two bullies, a boy and a girl, were at her every day
and she would get angry and have outbursts in the class ( a red haired Gemini who is very bright). Anyway
the teachers always said it was Tara and that she was too sensitive and always "throwing the head" in class.
The two bullies left last June, and Tara has a lovely scholl life now, and has secured a place in Sligo Grammar School
for next September as a border - where hopefully, she will have a clean start in a new school with girls of her age
sharing a dorm and having fun.
I wanted to move her, and Joe said not to, but on reflection we should have moved her to another school, and it might
be a good idea to look around at alternatives. Could you home teach for a couple of years, you might get help with a teacher,
or is there a school that specialises in kids that are bright but hard to keep focused in your area?
Its not the end of the world, although I know its breaking your heart, for him, bless. He is more resiliant than you think
and will be a stronger character for the experience, Tara definately is, and she has a great sense of humour and realises that
it was not entirely here fault, and that kids can be cruel.
The teachers cannot believe how wonderful Tara is and how much more she takes part in the class and heling others, before, the two bullies told all the school not to talk to her, so she was a loner - now she is the one everyone looks up to and asks for help
There is light at the end of the tunnel, and you will be helped and get through it - keep in touch with us all, we all send you our love.
Julie x
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Mirimaran its lovely to see you back, please keep posting, if only for the support from all your friends on here. :D :D
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I was so sorry to read your post. You must feel so alone and sad.I am thinking of you and wishing you well. Keep posting, it will help you to put your thoughts down and there will always be someone who will reply.
Sheila x
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i would speak to your sons headteacher. being classed as high maintance is a clear sign that the teacher is an idiot. if the school have not recognised and started the process of ed pych and other interventions then insist that they do. you are doing the right thing by wanting to get your son seen by a specialist. it was not until my daughter had reports from her doctor and others that they would do anything. if in england expect to fight for the help. the ed pych that the county counil will send will have an agenda to avoid giving out statements of educational need. if the school or ouncil are being a pain request formally that an assesment is made. they have then strict time limits to do things in. the are many website and forums that will help. try dyslexia related ones.
i really understand what your going through until my daughter was being taught and treat properly she was a very unhappy little girl. good luck
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Wow thank you so much everyone for your kind words - I feel like I've just had 10 big bear hugs!
Kaitlin's not been invited to any parties since she started school in the summer, but it doesn't seem to bother her in the slightest - she's too busy to notice.
Thankfully Harry is exactly the same and hasn't noticed. Infact I hadn't noticed until he got the invite to the first party - I was so excited for him that we turned up a week early at the wrong time with Harry dressed as a cowboy when it was a Harry Potter party!! ;D The parents must think I'm a nutter!
Listen, I'm not convinced your son is the one needing help. The other kid is winding him up all the time. When did Harry's bad behaviour start? Maybe he is a bit wild but I'll bet it got worse when he started school?
I agree with this totally Doganjo, but need to find out whether Harry can be just as bad as this other lad although I think it is very unlikely. Harry's shouting and agressive refusal do things began when he started school and sometimes I see him pulling faces that are the mirror image of this other boy. I don't think the school will put Harry in a different class this year, but come the summer term that is exactly what I will be fighting for for the next academic year. I would be nervous of moving him to another school as it could be out of the frying pan and into the fire, but it is an option I'll keep in the back of my head.
ukag0972, Harry had exactly the same problem in reception. He accidently poohed himself in class and when the children laughed at him for a while he started doing it on purpose. Then he realised they were laughing at him not with him, but felt so anxious about it he lost the ability to control himself. Thankfully it sorted itself out before our appointment with the Encoparesis Unit came through!
Could you home teach for a couple of years,
Snoopy, I'd go mad if I was stuck with Harry all day!!! He's so full on that I often feel like I'm suffocating and can't breath. Its an awful thing to say about my child, but its true!
Thank you shetlandpaul for the advice - I think you are right - I will fight to get what ever is needed to help Harry. Until recently I've never thought of Harry as being unhappy, but now I wonder if his quick temper and lack of control is an expression of unhappiness/frustration. I also wonder how much of it is acting.
My Older son is having extra tutoring at school after the holidays so I approached the Headmistrss to say how pleased I was. After chatting about that she said that Harry's teacher had told her that I was planning to get Harry seen by a Clinical Pyschologist and did I think that he had ADHD?! HOW SHOULD I KNOW I felt like shouting your the one with the experience, you tell me! I didn't of course I just said i thought he may be borderline and scuttled off!
Hey ho, better go, I've got a funeral to go to this afternoon - my first ever customer , when I started up gardening, died last week. She was a lovely old lady with many a story to tell - I'll miss her.
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Hi Miri, did wonder why you were quiet, but didnt like to ask.
Harry is a lovely little boy, yes okay he's a handful, but it sounds like the other kids and parents have a lot to do with some of the things.
The school should be far more supportive if they have identified H as having problems, is there an Educational Pysch the school or LEA uses? It might be quicker, if the school genuinely thinks it would help (and if they dont, then stick two fingers up at the other parents and tell them your son isnt the one with the problem!)
Thinking of you all, you know where I am if you want to talk, and check your e-mails!
:-*
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Hiya sorry to hear your having problems at school , Is their anyway to view the situation with out the children knowing ? then you can judge for yourself.
I would definatly consider moving your boy to a different school if you can. See what the Pysch says .
:)
Linz
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Ruth, when I first talked to his teacher and asked about whether we should get the Ed Psych in she said "thats a little extreme!" So I left thinking maybe thnings weren't as bad as I thought. On reflection, we need to get as many people involved so we can get help ASAP so I'm going to talk to the Head in the New Year. Have you heard of the Ronnie or Robbie Mcsomething at Derby City Hospital - its a unit that specialises in children, but I can't remember the name. Do you know if they only do Autism or do they do other stuff as well. I am 100% certain that Harry is not on the Autism Spectrum, but didn't know if this unit helped with ADHD e.t.c.
Fluff, an Ed Psych can observe the class and take video, but I don't think I would be allowed to surrupticiously observe them. I don't even know of I would be allowed to view the Ed Psych's video - confidentially e.t.c.
I met up with a friend today who has had a few problems with her son. He wasn't statemented, but was put on an Action Plus plan at school where his educational goals were evaluated every 3 months with his parents, the Head, Ed Psych and the Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator. Maybe this is what would happen with Harry, but evaluating behaviour. The problem she had was that although he was in the bottom 5% for educational acchievement he wasn't quite bad enough to get a statement which meant he didn't get quite the same amount of help than a statemented child would have.
OK Ruth, I'll go and check my emails now.
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thats one of there main arguments against statementing. thats how they tried it on with my daughter. i am afraid you must treat the ed psych as an opponent. you best bet is to get a specialist consultant in child development. they will test for lots of things and refer to others you really need this stuff before going near the education department. they will tell you that they will not except the reports because they did not do them. however its proof that the school needs.
try and study the rules related to statementing you will need to know them. even if they refuse the statement you have the right to appeal.
your child could have one of many conditions it does sound like the dyslexia/ dyspraxia. is you child clumsy or have they a particular difficulty at school. until their condition is sorted they will not have the greatest school life. do not except that they are as bad as they claim their condition is hiding there true level.
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He doesn't have dyslexia as he is way ahead in his reading and on target with his maths. He's clumsy in that he is always in such a hurry to do things, but he is not uncoordinated. He is very able, but too quick and sharp in his movements so often knocks drinks over which drives my husband nuts!! ;)
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I know it might seem a bit like hitting your head agaisnt a brick wall but you need to keep on at each teacher that you come in to contact :).
Let us know what you do/happens.
Linz
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He doesn't have dyslexia as he is way ahead in his reading and on target with his maths. He's clumsy in that he is always in such a hurry to do things, but he is not uncoordinated. He is very able, but too quick and sharp in his movements so often knocks drinks over which drives my husband nuts!! ;)
there are lots of diffrent things it could be but dyslexia comes in many forms. mine is to do with memory. i was always good at reading and the kids are very good at maths. now when it comes to algebra then my brain stops working.
anyway have a good Christmas and try not to get worked up about it your son will pick up on it.
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I have great faith in a good homeopath in our area. We have both our boys registered with her, and we ask her opinion on most things before even considering a GP.
She gives each of her clients an initial 90 minute consultation, during which she builds a definitive profile for her records. With the kids, she asked us all sorts of questions, such as their dietery preferences, their personalities, how they react to certain stimuli in their environments, and many other searching questions. All this information helps her to prescribe various remedies as the need arises.
From an holistic point of view, I believe homoepathy is beneficial in many cases.
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I am 100% certain that Harry is not on the Autism Spectrum, but didn't know if this unit helped with ADHD e.t.c.
I thought the same about Kaitin Miri, no way she could be autistic - she loves cuddles and has no problems communicating. I just ruled it out, but with the ADHD there were some things that just didn't apply to her and some that did.
It wasn't until one of the teachers mentioned high functioning autism and told me she was convinced that Kaitlin was showing some of the classic symptoms (she's had a lot of experience with autism) that I looked into it more. 91 people in every 10,000 have autism, of this number 20 have what i would call 'classic' autism - difficulty communicating, dislike of touch etc and will need considerable help and support all through their lives. The other 71 have 'an autistic spectrum disorder' aspergers, high level autism etc they are able to live relatively 'normal' lives, without supervised care etc.
High level autism / aspergers (don't think they're exactly the same thing, but similar ?) kids do tend to be intellegent, they excel at whatever sparks their intrest but tend to flit from activity to activity causing disruption when they're not interested. They are awkward in social situations and don't always repond appropriately to others - no respect of personal space, saying something that may offend etc. I got a few books out the library and they made for really interesting reading - so many things that just described Kaitlin to a T. Like Harry, Kaitlin's smart (too smart !) not clumsy, but always in a rush which leads to lots of spilled juice (just like Harry lol!) and just generally seems 'out of her depth' at school or with large groups of kids, at home or on a one to one basis she's fine.
In my area it's 2 seperate departments that deal with ADHD and autistic spectrum disorders, it might be worth asking for a referall to both - maybe like Kaitlin, Harry's going to be one of these 'complex' cases, with bits and pieces of lots of things going on - TELL me about it I hear you say ;) There is an assesment tool they used - it's called a BOXALL profile (you can get it by googling) maybe it's worth having a go at filling it out yourself for Harry and see what you think. It doesn't make the easiest of reading but it might give you a clearer idea of what's going on.
It's a long, hard fight at times to get anywhere and quite often banging my head against the wall seems like a more appealing option - but I'm hoping it'll all be worth it in the end.
Good luck and remember we're all here for you when you're feeling down :-* :-* :-*
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It may be some help to know that our younger son was just the same when very young. I wanted to escape with him to a remote island or somewhere where we didn't have to put up with other parents and their nasty remarks or the other parents children who were just echoing the adults thoughts.
He is now a calm and responsible father of two with a good job and a solid outlook on life. He is also very patient with his children, one of whom is just like he was but growing out of it already.
Be strong, be patient, poke the other parents in the eye!!!!
Love and good wishes to you all.
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Have you heard of the Ronnie or Robbie Mcsomething at Derby City Hospital
Hmm, think he's on my Christmas card list!! I'll have to think about that one, not as if its a common name!!
(Bless you, Im only kidding x)
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Hello - don't know how i managed to miss this whole conversation but i've just caught up. I really feel for your anxiety. From all you say it really sounds as though Harry is a bright intelligent energetic little boy and it may just be that a combination of this aggressive boy at school as well as a teacher that is not being proactive about challenging and stretching his abilities is at fault. I would be hesitant about getting listed with an ed psych until all other possibilities are exhausted. I work for an education dept in a council and it worries me the way records follow an individual through their schooling and beyond. My eldest daughter has a diagnosis of dyslexia but even that is open to misinterpretation. Recently an assessor at college poo pooed her dyslexia and said that was all a result of emotional disturbance. You can imagine how that can knock the confidence of a young woman. Is there anyway you can use off line resources to support Harry? Aenusog's suggestion of a homeopath would be a route i would look into. Perhaps a private ed psych if you can afford it?
Our academic school system is designed to deal with 30% of the pupils ideally and anyone on either end of the spectrum are just expected to survive. don't forget that schools targets allow for 15% of pupils to fail and the schools still suceed. That is just not good enough for the 15 % of children who can's slow down enough to tolerate boring worksheets or who are not quick enough to keep up
If the school doesn't have an appropriate answer for harry - another local school might or maybe the solution is outside school? some sort of engaging outdoor pursuit that he becomes more engaged with so the social school stuff loses its potency?
When Ella was having a particularly tough time we got her involved with tai kick boxing. It was amazing, she was so physically tired that she calmed down and also the discipline of the martial art taught her how to use and control her anger. She was dedicated for about 2 years.
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Thanks everybody for your help. HH, I'll try that Boxall profile and see what happens and let you know.
Marigold, he's in the best local school there is! Harry does rugby. Infact, he had played for 2 hours before the first party he went to and was still uncontrolable!
Now that its the holidays I'm feeling a bit more relaxed although going round Chatsworth was hard work - don't touch, come here, slow down e.t.c. We went through the house to look at the decorations in 20 mins and that was twice through the house!! The good thing about Harry is that I get to the stage when I am just about to throttle him and he'll do or say something hilarious and all the anger/frustration just disappears. He know how to play me!
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He know how to play me!
There is that as well !
He's a great little chap, just with boundless energy and a mischievious streak right through him!
I dont think for a minute he's on the autistic spectrum, I think theres other things to look at before finding a label like that. (I wont give you a list now!)
Hows your puppy getting on in this snow? Bet its up to his middle and beyond....
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HH, Ive had a look at the Boxall profile and I don't think I can answer the questions - its for his teacher really. I may print it off and ask her to fill it in.
I've taken a couple of photos of the dogs in the snow and will get round to putting them on here at some point.
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Thanks everybody for your help. HH, I'll try that Boxall profile and see what happens and let you know.
Marigold, he's in the best local school there is! Harry does rugby. Infact, he had played for 2 hours before the first party he went to and was still uncontrolable!
Now that its the holidays I'm feeling a bit more relaxed although going round Chatsworth was hard work - don't touch, come here, slow down e.t.c. We went through the house to look at the decorations in 20 mins and that was twice through the house!! The good thing about Harry is that I get to the stage when I am just about to throttle him and he'll do or say something hilarious and all the anger/frustration just disappears. He know how to play me!
Hi again
You know Harry better than anyone and your instincts will be a better guide than anything. It is easy for me to expound on my experiences when my kids have got through the hellish bits (for now). I guess that i was just trying to share my concerns about the whole labelling thing and offer some ideas. I wish that i had more faith in the support services. Maybe you will meet some good guys. They must be out there somewhere.
The main thing that i have come to recognise as my kids and my friends kids have grown up is that the ones who looked like they were heading for big trouble have turned out to me model citizens and intelligent successful young people and some of the model children have totally shocked their parents and done something completely unexpected. Harry is really lucky to have you rooting for him even if you age considerably on the way.
Best wishes
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Hi, I read your post and was replying just as Isaly went to have her pups, then we were very preoccupied. No majic solutions for Harry but after working with loads of children like this its a hard thing but not all schools play the game. I went to one School where they had an area in the playground where children stood if they were on thier own, other children had to enclude them in thier play, I loved that idea but, like all of us humans, take a look around at people, some love being in crowds and have loads of friends, some like a few friends, some like one special friend and some love to be alone! It's only us parents that want them to mix and have loads of friends etc, your little boy may be far more intellegent and function more like an adult mentaly and he may not be able to tolerate others being "silly" . I would also pursue the Educational Psychologist to keep a check but, encourage interaction wiht pets, get him to help take care of things, even a goldfish, you may find he is happy in his own world. Just imajine as an adult, being stuck all day with a room full of people you just dont have any interest in!!! He will grow up to be himself nomatter what!!!
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Thanks. Although, as yet I don't have any experience with the school with this type of stuff, the school does seem to be good. In the playground they have a buddy system where younger children can pair up with an older one if they find the playground difficult. My friend who has a bot with Aspergers says the school have organised a 'circle of friends' who help Wilf to remember things, go to where he is supposed to and keep and eye on him and help him if he is having problems - he has responded really well to it and the children get a sense of responsibility.
The Ed Psych is supposed to be brilliant, but the Clinical Psychologists vary apparently. I'm afraid Marigold, Harry is the silly one - he's the class clown and a natural performer, but does it at inappropriate times! However, he sang beautifully when I popped in to see an elderly couple today who I garden for. Without any prompting he wanted to give them a Christmas perfomance! Very sweet!
Oliver has a pet hamster, but I'm really nervous about getting Harry one, although he is desperate. He is unintentiponally cruel to animals. He used ot have a rat and i caught him swinging it around his head by its tail. He found a frog one day and after loving it and kissing it he said "Frog wants to fly" and before I could say anything had lobbed it into the air as high as he could! The stories go on! I would be so worried if he had a hamster that it wouldn't survive a week.
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i was the clown to. that may mean he his trying to fit in with the others. at the stage i started messing around i was being bullied. you have little chance of getting him to admit this but watch out that could be the entire problem.
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Harry has always been like this, but this is the first time that its starting to effect his social life.
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Oh dear, better not get any pets for him then, I worked with children with difficulties for a long while and came across several that could not be left with animals.
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Could he not have a stick insect in a sealed tank or something similar that he couldn't harm? I'm sure it would help him.
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I toyed with stick insects, but he knows that they can re-grow their legs and you know what boys are like for experimenting!
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I spoke to the Headmistress yesterday and she was very supportive. She has suggested that she and Harry's teacher put in place an Individual Education Plan that has 3 or 4 targets for behaviour. Harry's teacher has also started a home to school book so that I know exactly what mischief he is getting up to. It started today with a good day - only mentioned shouting out at carpet time and pushing one of his friends.
So the plan is I see the doctor to get a referal to a Clinical Psychologist and we bide our time as to whether we get an Educational Psychologist, but if and when we do the IEP and Home to School book will be useful evidence to show them.
The Head, without any prompting by me, said she will try and split Harry and the other child he fights with, next year so that they are in different classes.
I really felt like the head knew Harry and wanted to help and support him and us. I feel alot better now. I was so nervous going to see her. The last time I went to see a Headmistress was when I was at school and had been naughty!
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Funny how Heateachers have that effect. I feel nervous if a police car follows my car, even if I'm doing nothing wrong.
Glad all went well today and hope things stay positive for you all.
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Thank you. I used to be nervous of the police until I married one!! Now I know they're all just as nuts as the rest of us.
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I used to be nervous of Headteachers until I worked with them and found out the truth!
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Please don't tell me they're all nuts too??????????????
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Now I know they're all just as nuts as the rest of us.
You can say that again. My neighbour's son is a bobby - i was coming home late from Stirling one night when the car behind me flashed me - I glanced in the mirror and realised it was a squad car, just as the blue light was switched on. I pulled over, thinking in very fast order - "a) I haven't done anything b) there's nothing wrong with my car c) there's only one person in the cop car so they can't arrest me and b) I'll bl88dy kill 'im" I swore at him as he came to the window - just thought I'd say hello, haven't seen you for a while! he said. Do you know you could have given me a heart attack? I replied
But he's lovely and if I was 40 years younger ................................................. ;D ;D ;D
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hello im just writing as i have had the same problems with my kids,my middle son and to a lesser extent my daughter.jordan was a hard work baby,in fact when he was 2 he went to a under 5s group to give me a break. in school he was a clown, but also a danger to himself and other people, so he wasnt allowed to play out. hed run fast and knock people over,after being excluded i dont know how many times another child had a adhd checklist sent over and the teachers thought'thats jordan' so he was tested.this was just before he went to high school.the relief when he was prescribed ritalin was enourmous. mainly because i could stop bashing my head against the wall about it being my fault.
unfortunatly it has side effects and his drugs were changed,he couldnt eat properly.but he was on a very high dosage,it did make a difference to him at school and home,so they good in thaty respect,they made him stop and think about things,slowed his brain down a bit,
unfortunatly we had to kick him out the house a few months ago because he is 18 and huge,but he was destroying my house and my sanity,he got kicked out of college,he lives in a fantasy world where nothing is his fault. he stopped ritalin at 16. and hes mildly autistic.
my daughter is not quite as bad im glad to say,but hard work as well.
recommend support groups,you realise tyhat your not the only one,and some of the other parents have it harder.
but oyther kids do wind them up,to get explosions,unfortunatly that will always happen specially as they get older,kids are horrible.just have to get kid to ignore them and they makes them better than the other kid.rieki helps so does tia chi and any other relaxation/disipline technique.
good luck.
hope it works out for your son.
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Thank you. Wow, you've had your hands full! I'm hoping that we can get on top of things asap, but know that Harry will always be a handful and in a way that's part of his charm.
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[quote author=MiriMaran link=topic=5262.msg50258#msg50258 date=1262722095
I really felt like the head knew Harry and wanted to help and support him and us. I feel alot better now.
[/quote]
That's great news. It sounds like you found a good one. I hope that the new year continues to improve for you all.
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Thanks Kirsty and Good Luck with the Portaloo
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the best thing is that they are well mannered,to other people at least and they do know right from wrong.something the local normal chavs cant seem to get right.and even though were not getting on yet,im proud of them. sob :'(
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We now have an appointment on 25th Jan with the Head and Harry's teachers to discuss the Individual Education Plan. Does anyone have any suggestions about what to say/ask? Any experience of IEPs? I can see myself going to the appointment and just agreeing with everything the Head/Teachers say and feeling a bit out of my depth.
I have also given the teachers an El Campino ADHD questionaire to fill in so I can take it to the Doctor with me on Thursday when I go to ask for a referral to the Clinical Psychologist.
I've been dithering for 4 years now about whether we needed to get Harry some help and now that I'm doing it it feels really surreal - almost as though someone else is doing it and I'm just watching. I feel good that I'm now getting the ball rolling, but it all feels very wierd.
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2 of my kids had ieps it means that they get the help they need.
write a list of questions to take,
take a pen and paper too.
ask things like what support can he get off school,other authorty type people? what is offered in your district
how will they work with you as a parent?
what support/help is available to you?
they may or may not have all the answers but my friend works in liverpool adhd support il find it and post it,it may be of some help/
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That would be brilliant - thanks
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http://liverpooladhd.org.uk/aboutadhd/whatisadhd.htm
hope this helps,it may or may not be what you are looking for but at least ball is rolling now hope that whatever the problem is it gets sorted out., but even going to a support group for the parents is helpful, x
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IEPs are great... if they're done properly by people who know what they're doing.
It will (hopefully) identify Harry's strengths and how these can be used to help overcome his 'problem' areas.
ie, his wonderful inquistitiveness could be encouraged to maybe research, finding out all he can about a subject, while the rest of the class carry on with whatever (say, if he finds it hard to sit still for stories or something)
If he needs a member of staff to enable him to do this, the school can approach the LEA for one-to-one support, for whatever number of hours is appropriate. This might take a battle, but if the school can see how it could help them manage H, then great! It would also give you a more direct point of contact to help moniter how he's getting on.
If the school and C.Psych make the effort now, then trust me, it will be so much better in the long run for all of you.
As SB72 says, take a list to help you keep track, talk it over as a family first if you can, to keep everyone especially H involved.
If I get chance, I'll have a look at work what format Derbyshire's IEPs are, to give you a heads up on what things it'll include.
All the best
x
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If you feel as though you need time to think, ask for time to think and write in afterwards. I always think that I need reflection time before endorsing things. With Ella her concerns about being identified as 'different' have always tempered what I want.
having a list of questions is a good idea. Making notes of what they report and suggest is good too. Also ask for a forward plan and how often you can review the progress and keep in touch with the staff working with Harry. It is important that they understand that you are a pro active parent who will write letters, telephone, challange if you are unsure about what's happening. I used to worry about being seen as a pushy Mum but now I think it doesn't matter a jot what people think of me as long as my girls are treated with respect and equality.
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Having a stepson who has ADHD I know just how hard life can become. He is now 25 but still finds life very hard to cope with. Just lost his job but now seeking help as he talks about good and bad Colin. We did get him help at 13 years old, this was when he decided he wanted to live with his father and myself. Having had three children of my own and been a foster parent I knew he was not just being a naughty child. Once he got the right help life did become easier but when he left home to go to college then he would forget about taking his pills and get into all sorts of bother. One thing I did right away was keep a diary on his diet, things that would make him go off the wall. Fizzy drinks, sweets , sausages which he would eat by the packet if given the chance. We do have animals and he would forget that he had put the dog out in the pouring rain so when I came home poor dogs was in a right state. Leave gates open which let sheep and ponies out. Do things like forget to turn a tap off after brushing his teeth so we ran out of water. I now also have a step- grandson age 7 with ADHD, much worse than Colin and sometimes just down right evil. Very clever and can be such a sweet child but when he is bad he is dangerous. Blocked the kitchen door to keep his mum out while he cut his 3 year old sisters hair off, she was screaming but mum could not get to her. Cut his car seat belt with a pair of scissors that he sneaked into the car. Been chucked out of nursery since he was 2, schools not much better. He is now getting some treatment but it only last as long as he is at school then wears off. His mum is at her wits end and my son just does not know what the answer is. Its his sister and brother that are at risk.
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http://specialed.about.com/od/iep/Individual_Education_Plan.htm (http://specialed.about.com/od/iep/Individual_Education_Plan.htm)
Pardon my ignorance but I didn't know what an IEP was. So I looked it up on the internet and put a link up top which may be a help. I don't know what you are going through as I have no children myself but having spoken people in all different walks of life I can offer this bit of info.
A lot of educational people use shorthand in their speech. Don't be afraid to ask what do you mean or what does, for example what does IEP mean. They have their own code for things and if you are not in the know you can get lost. If you have someone that speaks too fast, ask them to slow down so that you can take notes. If you have a small dictaphone recorder, ask if anyone has objections to recording the meeting; then you can listen to it when you get home. Still take notes as some people talk softly and it may not pick up. Make sure that all that they say will happen does and on the dates it does. They are great for having meetings but lousy at carrying things out. (That one is from experience).
I still can't believe that you are the one that had to instigate this. How long was the teacher going to leave it? If you hadn't asked after a party, it may have gone on for longer. You have a monther's instinct that things are not right. Good luck.
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I think that maybe I should have got help for Harry sooner, but because I have always lived with him and am used to the little tornado that he is I hadn't realised how extreme he is until it all blew up recently. I've had some parents making comments about him since he was 2 "does he have ADHD", "have you ever taken him to the doctor?" e.t.c. but at the time I thought he would grow out of it.
I haven't looked at the links, but will do as soon as i finish writing this and thank you so so much everyone for all your wise words. My first job to do is to talk to Harry and tell him what is going on - I need to get the OH to take Oliver away somewhere so I can have Harry to myself.
Marigold - you are so right, my brain works fairly slowly and it takes me a while to process info and I know I will feel bamboozled during the meeting. I have also apologised prefusely for adding to the teacher's/Head's burden which I need to stop doing!
Sabrina - I'm worried that if we don't get help for Harry he will become like Colin. In the last month he has started getting a bit aggressive - Karate kicks, punching e.t.c he's not using full force, but that's only a matter of time. He gave Oliver a bloody nose in the playground last term. Oliver has been hitting Harry for a few years now and I've never been able to get him to stop - we kept telling him that one day Harry will hit him back and it'll be hard so it has finally happend. I knew that would happen, sibling rivalry, but I'm definitely seeing an increase in Harry's pushiness in the playground at drop off and pick up time. I wish you all the best with your stepson and stepgrandson it sounds very emotionally exhausting.
r+l chick, my OH is a policeman and is always talking in shorthand to his workmate so I'm used to being the 'stupid' one!! I've also been wondering why things are happening at my instigation as oppsed to the school calling me in. I'm hoping that its becasue Harry is borderline and isn't that bad, but maybe they just thought to try and sort it out in house and not bother me. I don't know, but least the ball is now rolling.
Ruth, is it possible to get a support teacher in without Harry being Statemented? I would be very pleased as he responds much better on an one-to-one basis. I'd be really grateful if you could find out how Derbsyihie do it - that would be a great help. I also have a problem that you might be able to help me with. Harry had real problems listening. If I tell him off and then ask him what I said he has no idea. It happend this morning. I told him off asked him what I said he had know idea so I did it again and again he had know idea so I tapped him on the shoulder and made him look at me the whole time I spoke - I said " please do not shout here it is not fair on the people who live here. If you do it again I am taking some of your pocket money away. Please repreat what I said." Even with him looking at me and looking as though he was listening intently he still couldn't tell me. If I had whispered really quietly do you want a sweet he would have heard that fine!! Ruth, how do I get him to focus and listen better? Am I naggin him is that the problem?
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Ruth, is it possible to get a support teacher in without Harry being Statemented? I would be very pleased as he responds much better on an one-to-one basis.
Probably not, and actually a Statement of Special Educational Needs could in the long run be a great help... It would reduce the fighting for support especially if/when H changes schools, its already in place and might even give him a transition with new 1:1s. In this culture of CRB checks, there aren't really volunteers or 'helpers' anymore, but on the plus side, most TAs now (Teaching Assistants!) are gaining qualifications
I'd be really grateful if you could find out how Derbyshire do it - that would be a great help.
I will, if you don't need it in a hurry - I'm on compassionate leave.
I also have a problem that you might be able to help me with. Harry had real problems listening. If I tell him off and then ask him what I said he has no idea. It happend this morning. I told him off asked him what I said he had know idea so I did it again and again he had know idea so I tapped him on the shoulder and made him look at me the whole time I spoke - I said " please do not shout here it is not fair on the people who live here. If you do it again I am taking some of your pocket money away. Please repreat what I said." Even with him looking at me and looking as though he was listening intently he still couldn't tell me. If I had whispered really quietly do you want a sweet he would have heard that fine!! Ruth, how do I get him to focus and listen better? Am I naggin him is that the problem?
NO! Its not that you're nagging, though he has probably become immune to it!
Lots of possibilities... he may not realise what he has done 'wrong' and so cannot modify his behaviour, even when asked to.
...He isn't focused enough when you're telling him, so in actual fact its a waste of both your time until he is calmer
...You're giving him too much information at a time, so he cant A) isten to it all, B) process it C) Process the first part at the same time as you're finishing telling him D) Understand whats been said, D) Process the fact you've asked a question, E) formulate an appropriate answer, F) Tell you the answer
Have you tried a warnig system, eg the 'traffic liht' where he gets shown an amber colour say twice as a warning when his behaviour is geting abit out of hand, and a red as like a Stop! signal when he will gw
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Oh! I've spent ages typing a reply, and somehow lost half of it!
I'll carry on.....
Have you tried a warning system, like a 'Traffic Light' system - green for go, and show him an amber colour (eg a card on a keyring or something) say, twice as a warning when his behaviour is getting out of hand, then a red Stop! if he gets inappropriate and this preceeds the telling off or punishment.
If H is involved in this, eg choosing what the 'rules' are, whether he wants red and yellow cards like in football, and he understands when they will be used, it could help him start to identify which behaviour is not appropriate, and learn how to recognise when he needs to change it.
It needs to be and consistent in order to work, and any consequence needs to be fairly quick so he realises what it relates to. (Eg, if I hit Oliver, I go to my room, then he goes straight away. If he waits til you've unravelled who said what to who first, then he wont associate the consequence for the actual hitting)
What about a reward system, to praise all the positives and not focus on the negative stuff. If he responds so well to "Do you want a sweet?" then a simple reward he helps to devise might help.
Just a thought, does H respond better to information/instructions/rules etc if they're writtten down rather than spoken?
If so, who does the writing.. you and the teacher, or Harry himself?
Everyone's different, but it might make a difference!
Also, do you know what way he learns best? Ie, reading, writing, listening, doing etc? The school or psych team might have a simple test which would then give him and the school the best way in which to help him learn
(I'll have a look if I've got it somewhere, its v good)
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this is why parent support groups are so helpful,as well as being a shoulder to cry on they give help and support to you,and your partner,when i went you wouldnt believe how many couples had split up or were on the verge under the strain,the thing with adhd is that the person with it sees things in a completly different way to you[ ijn fact when i went i was asked if id ever been tested and would i like ritalin 4 me]
sometimes i wish i had.
its hard to control yourself sometimes but im 38 and it took me a long time to sort myself out. by myself i might add.no ritalin.
reiki has helped me a lot it has brought out my nice calmer person. wish i could be more organised tho.
its better now as there is help and you are not just 'naughty' or 'daydreamer'
hope you get all the help you need and deserve.
paula
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My OH does have ADHD to a degree, he has taught himself how to cope, has a good job but does work by himself a lot which means he is not in a situation where he would be upsetting other people. Some times I find it hard due to the fact it took me a long time to work out if I ask him to do a job write it down as he would just forget and do his own thing. He did try some of Colin's Ritalin and was amazed how much it made him focus. Ritalin did not agree with Colin and his drugs were changed. I have to say there is hope, I sat Colin down and explained why he had no friends and if he did not take control of his life then he would be one lonely sad person. His dad was sure he would either land in jail or someone stick a knife in him. Lewis on the other hand knows just what he is doing, he has his own social worker who believed every word he said until she caught him out and was horrified that a 7 year old could be so nasty. On his own he is fine, in a group its like waiting for a bomb to go off. The last time he was here he went into the bathroom, did the toilet then spread it all over my bathroom just to upset his parents. My son was very upset and cleaned everything where I would have made Lewis do it. The other children suffer without a doubt because the child with ADHD takes over the household. It cause marriage breakups due to the constant strain and if anyone does not believe that ADHD does in fact exists then try living with it. From my own experience I can say that both my husband and Colin are clever in some ways but very easy to talk into what you want them to do which could be used against them. If my OH has a big job to do he makes a plan and sticks to it, used to drive me mad until I understood why he would do this. That's what works for him.
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Ruth, I had also wondered if I was using to many words with Harry and I think a traffic light system would be a good idea, just need to work out in my head how to work it i.e. send to bedroom at home, but what if he gets a red card when we are out? What do I do with him then? It needs to be immediate. I could also do the sweetie thing so he gets positive and negative reinforcement. I think Harry learns best from doing so he is using as many senses as possible, but I would bo very interested to do a test and find out for sure. Is it a test I can google for?
Thats interesting Scattybiker1972 Reike keeps coming up as a way of helping calm ADHD people so I need to look into that further. I have a friend who does acupuncture who knows alot of alternative therapy people so I will email her and see what she says.
Sabrina, I've always thought that Harry would either be incredibly successful in adult life or in jail!!! If we can keep him on the correct path he will be a brilliantly fascinating adult, but its a long road!
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hello,i was reminded of a time when we were in town and i had to get my brother to restrain jordan as he was climbing the walls.literally. trees and shop windows.
i couldnt control him so my bro, came and walked him away cursing and screaming.
the help groups have all sorts of different methods to try and you just have to find the one that works,with the individual child and some work better than others,
the thing that kept jordan quiet and occupied is fast moving stuff,computer games,motorcycle riding.
you have to concentrate ,my bike keeps me sane,
also working hard helps,tasks and rewards seem to work with some but others dont give a stuff, cos it is a watever attitude,you just have to find out what floats their boat
jordan was the kid who when youd say 'who wants to go for an ice cream' the kids would go yeh hed say no.
my nephew has also got aspergers and hes hard work too.
paula
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send to bedroom at home
Is that a punishment? When I was raising my kids it wasn't. I made them go and stand in the kitchen if they were naughty but I can see that wouldn't be a good idea for Harry.
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I view sending the children to their bedrooms not necessarily as punishment, but more as getting space away from each other and me and as a way of breaking the momentum of a situation.
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Here's a link to a children's version of the VAK Questionnaire, to identify learning styles.
If you want a different 'level' for younger or older people, just google VAK (It stands for visual, auditory, kinaesthetic learning)
http://www.brainboxx.co.uk/a3_aspects/pages/VAK_quest.htm
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Miri, if you use your local library, theres often good books on ADD/ADHD, assuming that is Harry diagnosis when it comes. It does sound likely, rather than oppositional defiance or asd or whatever.
I like Ian Walker's "You & your ADD child", as its quite simple (Like me!) and is good for quck reference.
Let me know if you'd like to borrow it.
Need to take the dog out, but I'll be back....
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Admitted, this a link to East Riding, Yorkshire Council, not Derbyshire, but at least they publish samole IEPs on the wwweb!
Just whizz down to the PDF documents
The targets should be set by the school / therapists involved in collaboration with you, and reviewed regularly.
Tahts why things like the VAK test is worth doing, and finding out the things that work and don't, with Harry, to make the targets fulfill-able and workable
http://www.eriding.net/inclusion/ieps.shtml
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Ok , I shouldnt post this until I have read all of the other posts which I will do later but how dare that boy be so nasty to harry at that party! you were so controlled I dont think I could have stopped myself from marching over and telling him not to be such a bully! yes you say harry is a handful but most little boys are! my son william is the love of my life, i shouldnt say that as I have 5 daughters , all older than him but I waited a long time to get my son.. and what a son.. all boy! I dont know where he gets it from! but I can tell you this...... your boy showed remarkable restraint at that party when he was told by the other boy to keep going to the back, william would have watched him from the sidelines for a couple of minutes and then......... well rightly or wrongly he would have gone wading in and gone balistic. The other lad wouldnt have stood a chance! sorry but there it goes. Be proud of your boy for being so restrained.
on that note I have to go and put said boy to bed (he is only 5), I am very sorry if I have overstepped the mark but felt angry on Harrys behalf at his treatment from both the lad at the party and also this mother whose house he went to. i deliberatly dont have parties in my house because they do all go wild together! Oh and on williams defence he is the kindest boy going, he is always aware if somebody is upset at school and takes it upon himself to look after them........that is after he has sorted out whoever upset them in the first place.............. oh the joys of parenthood!
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I agree Juliag - I said much the same myself. My boy had a temper and oten got himself into trouble but after obtaining an honours degree in technology and management and holding down a top job in a very well known phone company I don't think anyone would have classed him as having a disorder. He was a boy's boy and is a man's man! At 37 he has learned to controkl his temper but won't let unfairness go by unnoticed.
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ok read them all now and i am so sorry that so many of you on here have had so many headaches and heartaches! Cetainly there are far more qualified people on here than I am as to having children with ADHD, being statemented etc. I dont know harry but appreciate you have another son (oliver I think you said, and that oliver is a little bit older than harry). From my own experiences of my son and my friends sons, all of which are very full on and boistrous I cannot see that there is too much to worry about with him.
you said he has had pets which he was cruel too, but you dont say how old he was at the time. show me a little boy who hasnt been, back in the summer I was looking after my friends 2 boys when looking out of the kitchen window I saw her 5 yr old kicking one of my bantams like a football up against the side of the house with his 7 yr old brother egging him on. (the hen was fine). Every boy (other than william who knows better now) that i have taken to the field to see the ponies and hens (ex bats and others) have immediatley chased the hens, very often with sticks. I go mad each time and they stop only to start again when they think I am not looking.
On another occasion i was looking after 2 other children for the afternoon, they were playing quietly upstairs, too quietly as it turned out. they had found a florescent marker pen and had scribbled all over my 15 yr olds white bedroom furniture. they were 6 and 4.
The Rugby is fantastic for him. can he do more?
And you said yourself Oliver had been winding him up for months, Harry hitting back hard is normal!
I
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Thanks Juliag, I totally agree with you, at the party Harry showed remarkable restraint and I was very proud of him. I think his restraint may have been because I was there although he wasn't looking at me to see my reaction or anything. I asked his teachers who set who off or were they as bad as each other and was told that it was 50:50, which to be honest I don't entirely believe - the other boy is manipulative and coniving where as Harry is totally transparant, but I need to trust what the teachers say. Juliag, the reason I have started going down this road is that if his social life is being effect and he is being disruptive at school I have to try and get help with him. The toher problem is that his temper is getting worse. He used to be fiery and then calm down quickly, but now he is staying angry. Last night he was crying his heart out saying that at school a friend had made him angry at lunchtime and he kept feeling angry for the rest of the afternoon and that upset him as he was avoiding his friend to make sure he didn't blow up again. He seemed really upset and confused that the anger stayed.
After reading on the internet I have bought some milled Flax seed to sprinkle on Harry's breafast - it is high in Omega 3. I have also bought a Zinc and Magnesium supplement which is supposed to help.
Ruth, thanks for the links - I'll go and have a look at the now.
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Oh Ruth, that VAK test was almost entirely Kinaesthetic when I answered what I thought Harry would choose!
I just tried it on me and I'm a complete mix of all three!
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I did the VAK test for Kaitlin too and got the same result ! Off to find more info on kinetic learning to give to the teachers at school ;D
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HH, what's the latest news on Caitlin? Did you get a Reiki person who specialised in children? Are you still finding it successful? What changes are school making? I had a quick look at Kinetic learning this afternoon, but am not sure how much a school can do with Kinetic learning with one child when I would imagine most other children would want to join in. I'm just not sure how a school would work it, but am planning to ask at the IEP meeting on the 25th.
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bless you, make sure you talk about Kinaesthetic learning, rather than kinetic (same root, ie movement) !
Really, the school should be offering ways of teaching like that anyway, as all kids are different and learn in different ways. (I'm a mixture of all three as well, always knew I was Special!) If not, maybe you'll be a pioneer for change?!
Primary schools are on the whole better at this, eg using counters in maths, acting out a story, reading aloud, building, measuring with beakers etc etc and once you know what works - keep it up!
When is Harry's assessment with the pysch? Will they give you a diagnosis fairly soon? (rather than me bombard you with stuff that may not turn out to be relevant!)
:)
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Its going to be a long haul Ruth! I've got an appointment with the Doctor on Thursday, which I made in mid-December and it was the first available appointment! The doctor will then refer him to a Clinical Psychologist - although I have been advised to ask for a particular Paediatric Clinician at Ripley.
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hope it all goes ok for you all.
miri
ps ,my friends who own an alternative clothing shop said that my middle son jordan came in with some other kids [18 yrs old ] who were being a bit lippy so he said that they couldnt speak to people like that as it was rude and he knew joe and adele well and behaviour like that isnt on.so there is good in there as im sure it is in your harry .its just hard for them to control themselves and its other kids who wind them up but them who get blamed.
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Oh, there's loads of good in Harry. He's funny, loving and when he's on form he's fantastic company, but that can all change in the blink of an eye. Luckily, his good moments make the bad ones melt away.
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HH, what's the latest news on Caitlin? Did you get a Reiki person who specialised in children? Are you still finding it successful? What changes are school making? I had a quick look at Kinetic learning this afternoon, but am not sure how much a school can do with Kinetic learning with one child when I would imagine most other children would want to join in. I'm just not sure how a school would work it, but am planning to ask at the IEP meeting on the 25th.
Hi Miri, we took her to reiki and it was great. Really chilled her out and improved her concentration. It was one of my friends who did it and since then i've done the first degree and am able to treat her myself - I was slightly sceptical at first but it's working, she's definately calmer !
The school continue to be a fantastic help ;D We had a review meeting in Dec, the upshot is that we've got to do a seperate referral to Autistic services (still waiting for other appointment with the ADHD lot !) so it's hearing tests and speech therapist's assesments all over again - nothing happens quickly >:( But the head has called in a favour from a friend in an outreach autistic support group, they've been out to see her a few times and are hopefully going to come up with a 'coping stratagy' for us to use until such times as there's an 'official' diagnosis made.
My gut feeling is that she'll end up moved to another school, with ASD support (and the teacher's have hinted that they think this too - but not in a bad way) but for the time being it's just a case of waiting for appointments :(
I'll let you know how things go and hope your meeting goes well - make sure you tell us ;)
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Thanks for that Karen. I had thought of doing a Reiki course, but didn't know if, as his mother, it would work. I thought emotional baggage might get in the way.
Glad to hear the school are still being good and why on earth do these beaucratic problems take so long. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow to get a referal and have been anticipating a 8-9 week wait before Harry can be seen, but now I'm wondering if should be thinking even longer than that!!!!
I don't remember you mentioning ASD before?! Is that a possible diagnosis or her? Why does Caitlin have to go through hearing and speach assessments again? That seems a waste of resources! I had also wondered about asking for a hearing test for Harry just to cover that base. How does Caitlin cope when she meets these strangers asking her strange questions? I can see Harry showing off like mad a looking like he is even worse than her really is!!
Why would she need to move school - is it because of resources or would she move to a Specialist school? If so do you have one local to you. We have a couple of very good ASD schools near us. In fact, Little Blue, works at one them which is why she is always full of brilliant advise.
Don't worry I will definitely let you know how things go. I have no support from my OH about doing this so all the support I get is from you guys. What would I do without you. This is why forums are so fantastic you all sorts of opinions and advice from different types of people with different experiences - I love it.
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OK update time. Harry's teachers filled in an ADHD questionaire which has approx 18 questions where you boxes that say never, sometimes, often and frequently. I expected it to come back with mainly sometimes and often ticked maybe with a couple of frequently. However, they were all often and frequently!
I took the questionaire with me to my doctors appointment which she has now kept for her files. She gave me a telephone number to call. So, I have now organised a telephone assessment with the Derbyshire Child Development & Disability Telephone Assessment Service for next Thursday. They will then decide whether Harry needs to seen by anyone.
Its going to be a long haul isn't it!?
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The short answer to that is YES !
The whole process for Kaitlin has been going on for 2 years and we're still no further forward ???
Thanks for that Karen. I had thought of doing a Reiki course, but didn't know if, as his mother, it would work. I thought emotional baggage might get in the way.
Nope, it'll have no negative effect at all. The main benefit I found is that I can do short bursts of 10-15 minutes rather than take her to the practitioner for an hour's session (when she tends to lose concentration) The reiki flows from you to him and helps calm you too - I'd say go for it girl ! If you can get the time to do it, it's good for calming yourself too ;)
I don't remember you mentioning ASD before?! Is that a possible diagnosis or her? Why does Caitlin have to go through hearing and speach assessments again? That seems a waste of resources! I had also wondered about asking for a hearing test for Harry just to cover that base. How does Caitlin cope when she meets these strangers asking her strange questions? I can see Harry showing off like mad a looking like he is even worse than her really is!!
One of the teachers mentioned ASD - I'd always ruled it out as she is soooo tactile, but looked into high level autism and so much of it applies to her. In order to get an appointment with the Autism people she has to have a seperate referral to the ADHD one, it's different agencies that deal with it. And in order to get the referral she's got to have been seen by at last 2 specalist people all over again ! It is a total waste of resources AND adds to the time it takes, but it's just the way they seem to do it ! Everyone keeps telling me that she's a 'complex' case ! she seems to have lots of bits and pieces from both ADHD and ASD !
She copes brilliantly with all the appointments (even getting some blood tests was ok) if possible they see her one on one, then talk to me alone then observe her in a class setting - I'm sure she does show off a bit, but i think they factor that in when assesing ;)
Why would she need to move school - is it because of resources or would she move to a Specialist school? If so do you have one local to you. We have a couple of very good ASD schools near us. In fact, Little Blue, works at one them which is why she is always full of brilliant advise.
I think she'll move to a specialist school, we have one or two which are joined to mainstream schools so the kids get to interact at break times and do some classes together. But I think that's a way off yet - got to actually get to see some people first and get a proper diagnosis ! I thought Little Blue sounded very clued up ;D Ruth, you're a star and I'm sure I'll be bending your ear soon !
Miri - you mentioned an appointment with development and disability - I applied for DLA for Kaitlin, not really expecting to get anywhere since she's not been diagnosed, but had to give it a try as I'm not able to go back to work due to the problems she's having (need to go to the school at very short notice a lot of the time) - she was awarded it, and I'm able to apply for carers allowance too, maybe this is worth looking into for Harry too ?
IMHO it's a long, hard process to get anywhere - but it's one I'm determined to get sorted ;) I hope you get some joy at your appointment and we're ALWAYS here to listen :-*
Sorry for the HUGE post ;)
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Thanks for the reply HH! I'm not applying for any monetry help as I have never had any phone calls from school calling me in. That must be exhausting for you, never knowing when you are going to get a call, always on tenderhooks, or do you get used to it?
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once the ball has started rolling,and a diagnosisis done its all done quite quickly,it just takes time for all the bits and bobs to sort themselves out. and for teachers ,ect to start singing from the same songsheet.
but it is a relief to get the help sometimes.
unfortunatly there is no respite help round by me which would of been really helpful at times, and i dont know what is available in other areas,but jordan was diagnosed just before he went to high school.and thats when it really needs to be in place. so its changing a lot .hes 19 now.
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Thanks for the reply HH! I'm not applying for any monetry help as I have never had any phone calls from school calling me in. That must be exhausting for you, never knowing when you are going to get a call, always on tenderhooks, or do you get used to it?
I think I must be used to it now, or maybe expecting it is a better way of looking at it. Hence why I'm working from home with the signs and jewellery and stuff. But it is a pain at times - the one day of Xmas shopping I had planned got disrupted halfway through cos I had to go back and see to her :( It's soooooo difficult to get ANY time to myself, even when she's in bed there's no guarentee she's going to stay there long ! Ah, the joys ;D ;)
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they do eventually move out though!!!! :o only messing. i do miss mine now theyv left even though it was hard at times. extra omega 3 oils and other essenital; oils can help with a lot of kids too. look into massage and essential oils,therapy for both of you too.
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I took Harry to a Reiki session this evening. He had a fabulous time spinning around on a stool, jumping on the couch, trying to get the Reiki man to have a pillow fight with him! All-in-all I have no idea yet whether there will be any difference. The man said that Harry seemed to be stuck on full throttle, had a huge amount of energy, doesn't breathe enough. He thought he may be able to help, but won't know until he has done 4 or 5 sessions. He suggested someone who does Cranial Osteopathy and said to phone her as she may be more successful. He was a lovely man and thought Harry was fab, but was a bit blown away by my little red-haired tornado.
I asked Harry what he thought about it. He said he liked the man, wants to make him a thank you card, but the Reiki man made him feel sweaty when he touched him!!
Tommorrow Harry's class are leading the Friday school assembly and are doing a little play which I'm really looking forward to. On Monday we have the IEP at school and on Thursday I have the Child Development and Disability Telephone Assessment. Apparently he is getting worse at school. I think the home to school book hasn't helped. His teachers have involved him in the book so he knows what gets written in the book and that I will be reading it. I think he is now being naughty to get the attention, so they discuss the book with him. I should have seen that one coming, but hadn't really expected the teachers to involove Harry in the book. His teachers are lovely, but when I talk to them they say "I don't know what we are going to do woth him, but we'll work something out!" Hopefully they will have worked out a plan of action before Monday becasue there's no point in working out targets in the IEP meeting unless there are strategies to achieve those targets!
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maybe he needs two books?! Its good that they're involving him though. It just needs some changes to make it work. They should be discussing his behaviours with him, but maybe in a different way?!
The reiki should really help, and theres plenty of similar things to explore if H gets tired of it.
Will be thinking of you next week, let us know how it goes.
I was chatting to your ex-child-minder today, completely forgot to mention you all, as she had the most gorgeous collie dog with her, who is nearly as daft as ours...
Sorry!
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Pardon my ignorance on this but how can a teacher give you a decent report when she will have to write it in a language your little Harry can understand so that they can discuss it. Won't he feel singled out, or as you said "I think he is now being naughty to get the attention" It is great that he is finally getting the help he needs. He could tell the teacher the best bit of the day and the worst bit of the day, she writes it in the book and then give her account of the day in words of more than 1 syllable. Maybe I am old fashioned. When I was a kid, we use to play while our parents and their friends had an adult conversation. On a lighter note, thanks for the heads up on his hair colour - never met a red head who did not have a fiery temper. Stay in there girl, you are doing a marvelous job. Ros
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I know Harry only had one session of Reiki and I'm not looking for miracles, but there was zero change in behaviour! I had a long chat with the Cranial Osteopath and have an appointment on 11th Feb, for just me, to discuss Harry further before she meets him in person. She seems very interested in seeing him and says she'll know after her first session with him whether she'll be able to help.
Thank God I have given up smoking 'cause Harry is going to cost me a fortune, but to be fair the Cranial doo daa woman said she charged £20 a session, but then said "but we can work someting out if its too much." She sounded lovely.
The interesting thing is that both her and the Reiki man both asked how Harry's birth went and think that may be the root of the energy levels. He arrived 10 days early. First part of labour was 1 hour, 2nd part was 30 seconds. He came out on the first push and I had to shout at the midwife who was gassing to her friend by the sink. She just managed to catch him before he started bungy jumping! Poor boy was purple and all the whites of his eyes were red from his blood vessels bursting.
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aww, bless him.
From my all-be-it limited experience, early or difficullt births, and babyhood illnesses often have long term effects on someone's behavioural issues and conditions.
Keep at it, if his 'chi' (energy) isn't balanced, it will take more than one session to sort it out! Get as many books as you can from the library so you can understand what they're on about!
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Have any of you thought of an acupuncture assessment session? My pal, Sue May, is aChinese Medicine Practitioner and does Acupunture. I'm sure I've heard her saying it can be used for behaviour problems as well as pain control.
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Forgot to say that his class assembly was phenomenally good - the teacher did an outstanding job. Bearing in mind all the children are 5/6 yrs old they new exactly where to stand and where to move to, exactly what they were supposed to do and when and all their songs with really strong confident voices. I was well impressed and thankfully Harry was imecably well behaved and said his line in a beautifully loud clear voice. I was very proud. He always has a way of pulling out all the stops when it counts.
Oliver has his class assembly next Friday - he's a Daddy lion!
Annie, yes I have, but as I've been finding out more Reiki and Cranial Osteopathy (is that what its called?) come out on top. I haven't discounted Reiki or Acupuncture or anything really except for drugs!
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the effects from reiki tend to creep up on you.there still changing me and i had my first treatment about 7 years ago..did my reiki 1 1 year ago and am starting to prepare for my level 2.
you might not notice much till a bit after theb full set of treatments.
it is life changing,but it does what it has to first.
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Hi Miri,
From everything I had read the crainial massage / osteopathy (sorry - spelling !) sounded the best - with instant results in a lot of cases. Especially if there was any kind of trauma or stress to the baby at the time of birth. I had really high hopes for it. Unfortunately it didn't have any effect on Kaitlin, but the reiki did. But hey - every child is different and I hope it does work for Harry. Like you, I'm prepared to try ANYTHING, apart from drugs ! (well, maybe some for me lol! ;) ;D) I don't want to 'dope' my child, I'd rather have her the way she is as some quiet little thing who just sits about and may develop other problems due to the medication.
It's great that he got on so well at the assembly - I've been at some where I wished the ground would open up and swallow me because of how Kaitlin is :(
But just at the point you're ready to throttle her, she turns round and say's 'I love you mummy, you're the best' cue melting heart and all thoughts of strangulation just vanish ! ;) ;D ;D ;D
Keep us posted, Karen xxx
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Isn't it funny the way children know exactly whedn to go on the charm offensive!
I can relate to the embaressment at assemblies. At Harry's Christmas play he kept threatening to stage dive and there was a teacher constantly near him just incase he did! ;D
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Isn't it funny the way children know exactly whedn to go on the charm offensive!
I can relate to the embaressment at assemblies. At Harry's Christmas play he kept threatening to stage dive and there was a teacher constantly near him just incase he did! ;D
hee hee .a few years ago the teachers sectioned off all the adhd kids for the christmas panto into one group with one teacher in chargre of them all.till their turns on the stage.she was frazzled.
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Hope she had some Valium with her!
Had the meeting at School to organise the Individual Education Plan. Head and teacher both seem keen to do their best for him. He has 2 targets 1. To follow instructions the first time he is asked to do it. He needs to to do this 50 % of the time. 2. To wait his turn in question and answer and group discussions and stop shouting out. He needs to do this 5 times out of ten before the next IEP meeting in April.
To achieve the first one they are going to try and use key words and get Harry to repeat back the instruction and also try games like Simon Says. For the second one, he will either be removed from the situation if ignoring doesn't work - I don't feel very confident with this one. If he is removed he may play on that to get the one-to-one attention when he is removed and if he is ignored he will probably up the ante. The IEP is a flexible plan so it can be adjusted as we work out what is best for Harry and presumably the Psychologist will be able to help in time.
I've now spoken to his Doctor to tell her she referred Harry to a Dept that doesn't deal with ADHD and he has now been referred to the Community Paediatrician so am now waiting for them to reply.
That's all the news so far!
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All the best... give it time, but if its not working tell them!
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hope you feel like its going somewhere.the relief when you feel that there not looking at you as if youre a bad parent was enormose i found.
good luck i hope it all helps.
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Thankfully so far I have never felt like the school are judging me. However, I'm very good at judging myself very harshly!!