The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: pedigree porker on March 30, 2010, 07:02:49 pm
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Not too far away, in a small typical town, there lives a man, an ordinary man, with an ordinary life, with an ordinary wife. Each day he goes to work, he toils and tries, strives and stresses, he moans and groans, he laughs and cries, he cares and shares, loves and cherishes, wins and loses, tosses and turns, is happy and contented . . . but, there is always a but . .. . .
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as darkness falls, he forgoes a horriable transformation. Hairs sprout from the backs of his hands, and his skin turns a horriable green.
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Moss begins to form on his back as the light drizzle washes down his knarled wood like hands. He stands, stretches, joints cracking ....
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well he should have gone to specsaver
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as his eyes are starting to dim................................
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the eyes dim and glaze over, they begin to roll, suddenly . . . .
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The specsaver advert comes on the telly he screams in despair
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his voice rumbles like thunder, lightning flashes from his fingers ...........
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and so slowly he starts to
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realise that David cameron has entered the room!
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Exit through trapdoor in stage!
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and pops up in Specsavers to find
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that Elton John had bought ALL the glasses.
With a huge sigh he
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He realises he'll have to get contact lenses but
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with six pairs of eyes it's going to be expensive so
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he disappears to the pub & nicks a few pint tumblers which he would join together using old pipe cleaners, snotters & old chewing gum recycled from the urinals...
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but that doesn't work; so off he goes in search of a solution
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He searches and searches and searches some more, over hill and dale, river and stream and eventually the solution emerges from the mist . . . .
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an octopus! It has eyes aplenty
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& teeth like Shergar ...
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And where is the man cub hiding?
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Wait for it.......................wait for it..............................wait for it ................ GGRRRRR - here he is! ;)
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sshh sshh! don't tell Kaa know
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Mowgli is hiding in the tree Bagheera is coming and Baloo is singing Kaa is slithering
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Harry pops in and talks in parceltongue to Kaa to find out if
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Hermione has passed by
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But she hasn't so the very strange man heads off home for his dinner of
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of fish and chips?
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Then he decides fish and chips is not what he wanted; so off he goes to the woods to catch a rabbit and a deer; cos he likes a bit of variety; only he can't catch anything except a cold so he stomps off miserable and wet
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so he jumps on his mountain and as he passes a parked car........
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He notices that the windows are all steamed up ;D ;D ;D
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suddenly the door opens and..............
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and out flies a swarm of killer bees; he turns; runs headlong into
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a tree
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As he bounced off the tree and was spinning throught the air........
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He was covered by the swarm
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of screaming zulu's
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who were also trying to get away from the bees; but to no avail; they were caught and all fell to their death; destined forever to roam the lands wailing like banshees.
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he wakes, he looks around and there, in front of him, he sees it, he cant miss it, its...........
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a HUGE golden pig!
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who said...
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Bow to me mortals for I am
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a magic golden piggy who can ......................
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only be out shone by wizard
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I will grant you 3 wishes
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You know what wish 3 is dont you mum? :D :farmer:
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of course i do its.....
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anuther 3 wishes?
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1 wiah was to live forever, 2 wish, to have endless money and 3 wish was lot's of friends....... ::)
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Hello Sandy I'm not sure about the forever bit It's an awful long time.I don't know how one would feel.Me today I'm ace so I shall go and visit my pals on the Brockelsby Estate see if I can catch up with Godfrey.I want to ask him what his Retriever is called and where he finished in last years trials.A couple of years ago he organized one of the rounds at Brockelsby unfortunately I couldn't manage the walk up but I got a lot of video of the other stuff,like retrieving shot birds from the lake.I quite enjoyed the day.
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George you dont happen to know a Jack Twigger (wife called Shirley) do you? He was the head gamekeeper for the Lord Yarborough at Caistor.
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Not as such Jackie He was keeper at Pillar wasn't he Jim Clarke were Head keeper over all Jim lived at The Paddocks opposite the Kennels at Brockelsby Jim died a couple of years or so ago and the Head Gardener Tom Griffin moved into the Paddocks House.Shiela is still as far as I know Head Pig Person at Godfreys not the one I talk about as shepherd AE & RJ Godfrey They have lots of pigs all over North Lincolnshire.They used to keep them outside in arks but I am sure they are all under cover now.It's rumoured they had 30,000 pigs at one stage.I was told they stopped keeping the outside because of the winter the water pipes froze and you know what a mess they can make.So they housed them in a modern piggery. How many sausages will 30,000 pigs make a good few I know.Can you remember the bungalow at Pelhams Pillar then Jackie? :farmer:
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And so with his third wish he becomes a member of the Conservatives, Labour. Lib-dem and SNP
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suddenly a soap box appears out of nowhere and changes his viewpoint....................
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and imitates Herr Shittlegrubber
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with the silly walk, the lopsided smile and such a sweet . . . .
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manner he fooled all
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but only until
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She walked through the arch, she stood, she watched, she thought, she moved . . . .
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the Ginco waffted in the breeze
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Yeh the Pillar Geroge is where my Uncle Jack (Mums yougest brother)and Auntie Shirley lived before they retired. ;D
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walled
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are you sure Shirl isn't still with Godfrey's Jackie?
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Yes she probably is. Uncle Jacke retired cos of his bad heart
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If I go to Fonaby in the week I will make enquires
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Thank you :)
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And as they smelt the ginco they all sat down to eat sweets but
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there came a big spider
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Who sat down beside her and
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and scared the living Pooh out of her cos she suffered Arachnophobia
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and so he was left alone again to contemplate his.........
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Future as a male pole dancer .................
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but of course he was at a disadvantage there because he only had one..........
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arm....he had lost his other arm a severe pole dancing accident...but this in no way stopped him from........
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being a bandit, in fact he was perfect for the job . . . the one and only, original . . .one armed bandit
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Was he the one stood next to the Wurlitzer?
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Yes the one with the monkey that
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wore a FEZ
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and Tommy Cooper......
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Pull it then