The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: Bionic on April 27, 2012, 10:51:52 am
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The things that people say often amuses me so I wondered what favourite sayings you have.
Here is one to start us off.
Families are like fudge, mostly sweet but a few nuts.
Robert comes out with some crackers so he should be able to keep us going most of the day ;D
Sally
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the mood has to be there to remember
as cold as a witches tit
up and down like a whores nickers
if it wisny for bad luck ye wid ha na luck
what he does not know is not worth knowing and what he does know you could write on the back of a postage stamp
as crabit as a bag o snakes
eyes in yer heid like a s**t house rat
built like a brick s**t house
chattering away like a set o big ends :farmer:
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eyes in yer heid like a rotten haddie :farmer:
ye think ma heid buttons up the back :farmer:
he buys his claes fre blacks of greenock
yev got eyes in yer heid like piss holes in the snow :farmer:
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there is only two things smell o fish and fish is one o them :farmer:
its a wise eskimo that does not eat yellow snow :farmer:
his heid is at fu o cars and there a crashed up :farmer:
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its that windy it wid blaw the horns o a moliey coo :farmer:
is that enough to get you laughing in the valleys bionic :D :farmer:
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;D ;D ;D ;D
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she wears no7 and smokes no6
carlesberg=leg opener :farmer:
never trust anybody with one eye going for the meessages and the other comming back with the change :farmer:
his/her heid is so far up there arse it is on there shouders :farmer:
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one i like and have used appropriatly is
'' he/shes forgotten more than u know''
;)
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my old grandpa had loads rip.
its like a wigwam for a mustard mill.
too fat, too snakelike. (that was said by lord foley of hereford to my great grandad when he dug the wrong sized worms for the lord to fish with)
dig in fill your boots, we're at home, wish u were.
only 2 tools needed, a hammer and a condom, if the hammer dont fix it then f..k it. ;D
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Hows yer belly where the pig bit yer ? ...hows yer belly off fer spots ? are just two of my grandads greetings.
If wasn't here you wouldn't ask me that !....
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Whenever you are pointing the finger - remember there's three pointing back at you
Live and let live
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Shy bairns get no sweeties
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A friend of mine used to say to anyone upsetting him, "If you don't shut up, you'll get such a kick you'll end up with three Adam's apples and a funny neck tie."
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You can complain that roses have thorns - or you can rejoice that thorns have roses
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''its better to have loved and lost, than live with a psycho the rest of your life''
i like that one.
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DITW, I like that one too and have been there more than once. ;D ;D
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Me too. 22 years of it.
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And me :D I like, and believe, the original too :)
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ladies i raise a glass to you all!! cheers :-*
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One of my Dad's " I've forgotton more than you'll ever remember" ::)
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You're about as much good as a one legged man at an arse kicking party.
Sometimes I'm that brilliant I amaze myself.
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This advice is 'as useful as a chocolate fireguard! '
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Face like a scone
Backside like a couple o' cats fighting in a bag
;D
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"Im not as green as I'm cabbage looking"
There'll be tears before bedtime...and they won't be mine!
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Don't let the bastards drag you down !
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Got a face like smacked a*se
Got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp
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Sheez goraface lick apundamince .
He's / she's that clever & full of s**t , he/she has to have two arseholes.
He's that clever he can s**t in half the time of a normal person.
Well it's that draughty s/he's either left the door or his /her gob open.
When god issued brains they joined the queue for trains and missed it .
Smile at everbody , the'll go crazy wondering why.
A sign on a doctors desk ...." .Treat everyone better than you'd like to be teated " .
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I'm not opinionated, I'm just always right
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shes got a wrinkle on her leg for beginners
pregnant woman shes had a shot o the fattening stick
fell out the ugly tree and hut every branch on the way down
he will not make an operator as long as his arse is pointing down the way :farmer:
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Oh Robert, you are so course (but funny) - my OH is loving your style ;D
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a joiner a hod it and dod it
electrician red to red green to green and blue to f*** :farmer:
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ruff as a robbers dog
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sweating like a rapist :farmer:
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there is a disparity in what you know and what you think you know!
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thats it eat your greens, make you grow fat and hairy, like your mum.
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I've lived through some terrible things - and some of them actually happened. Mark Twain
Useful to me when I am, yet again, imagining the worst ::)
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don't be shy......your mother wasn't
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twas a woman that drove a man to drink and I forgot to stop to thank her.
Was a common toast in my folks Hotel in Glenshee.
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Marriage is a noble institution but who wants to live in an institution?
Got a face like a smacked backside.
She's got a face on her.
He's a sandwich short of a picnic.
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I am as the TITANIC, shinking but the band is still playing.
Not them that says the most knows the most
SIGN in shop window.
WANTED smart boy last boy was to smart
Willing horse will get lots to do.
No point keeping a dog and have to do the barking yourself.
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A face like a chewed up toffee
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Sign in a shop window
Customers wanted urgently.
No experience necessary
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what the hell did you do this stupidness for?
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...or as I say to my kids (regularly)..
You're not stupid, so why are you acting it? >:(
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dont you look at me with that tone of voice.
well, i dont like your altitude.
your entitled to your opinion even if it is wrong.
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if your brains were dynamite you would not have enough to blow your nose
act your age and not your shoe size
as much use as a chocolate dick
DTW don't look at me in that tone off ignorance
as daft as a daft thing :farmer:
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My dad used to tell me, "If you had brains you'd make a good sheepdog"
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glackit git yer jakit yer sakit :farmer:
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Robert I bet there is never a dull moment in your house ;D
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life is what you make of it but it is your fault you started this ;) ;) :farmer:
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it goes like s**t of a shovel :farmer:
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not to be encouraged with undue patience!
what part of stop don't you understand?
is that all you've done? :D
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sna af a dyke
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Got a face like a bucket full of crushed arseholes.
Got a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle.
Got legs that wouldn't stop a pig in a passage.
It's snithing with .............
I couldn't give a tinkers toot.
I couldn't decide if they were Arthur or Martha.
Like a tramp on a sandwich.
Like a pig at a tater.
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Here there's some toilet paper wipe your mouth, your talking shite. ;D ;D
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Has the Pope got a balcony
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Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?
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ye eyes are like piss holes in the snow
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there's nowt as queer as folk
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some i have not heard for years others well pmsl ;D ;D ;D
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is it cold in here, can i hing ma jackit on your nipples ;D
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;D ;D
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they ran like a rat up a drainpipe.
more fat on a butchers pencil
if you had brains youd be dangerous
sweating like a glass blowers a%^$E
my belly thinks my throat been cut
bleeding like a pig with its throat cut
vicars are hatchers matchers and dispatchers
;D
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Who goes a-borrowing goes a-sorrowing.
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ye go out wi a van start pushing a pram :farmer:
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goin at it like a fiddlers elbow :farmer:
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if the van's a rocking don't come knocking
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Use your brain, not mine
Why am I not surprised?
It takes a Turk to do that - http://www.lettersofnote.com/2009/10/we-all-feel-like-that-now-and-then.html (http://www.lettersofnote.com/2009/10/we-all-feel-like-that-now-and-then.html)
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im so hungry me arse is eatin me underpants
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with my luck if it was rainin soup id only ave a fork
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get thee brain into gear before thee oppens thee mouth
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why have a dog and bark yourself :dog:
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Theres nowt so queer as folk is my favourite and by gor its right!!!!
mandy :pig:
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This getting old lark, sure aint for the fainthearted
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i know the feeling well :D :farmer:
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Hunger makes the best sauce (one of my Ma's)
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im that hungry i could eat a scabby headit wean wi na salt or pepper :farmer:
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if i wanted tae listen tae an arsehole i wid o farted
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Lill,
You and Robert lead a fascinating life... ;D ;D
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we do our best ;D ;D :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
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what's good for the goose is good for the gander ;D ;D
what goes round comes round it just takes a wee bit longer.
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hes got a face only his mother could love.
shes got a face for the radio.
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great minds think alike fools seldom differ
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Old infantry saying;
"If it's stupid and it works....it's not stupid"
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The three rules of war
1 never separate a soldier from his kit
2 never rely on the RAF
3 never march on Moscow
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hes got a face only his mother could love.
shes got a face for the radio.
my old mate Kremen RIP used to say i was the kind of boy only a mother could love! :D
the jobs that never get started take longest to finish
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You talking to me or eating a brick? Either way, you're gonna lose your teeth.
Only opened his mouth to change feet.
You lose two things as you age. One's your memory and I forget the other one.
I can diet but you're short.
Gotta think lucky to be lucky.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
The harder I work, the luckier I get.
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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
The harder I work, the luckier I get.
Oooh yes - I love these two :D :D
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I like those two as well :thumbsup:
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Gary Player was fond of the second - he may have coined it along with:
As we all know... golf is a puzzle without an answer.
Gary Player
Golf is a puzzle without an answer. I've played the game for 40 years and I still haven't the slightest idea how to play.
Gary Player
I've traveled more than any human being who's ever lived.
Gary Player
If there's a golf course in heaven, I hope it's like Augusta National. I just don't want an early tee time.
Gary Player
The harder you work, the luckier you get.
Gary Player
We create success or failure on the course primarily by our thoughts.
Gary Player
You must work very hard to become a natural golfer.
Gary Player
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/g/gary_player.html#OMFoSZquILwZKWdD.99 (http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/g/gary_player.html#OMFoSZquILwZKWdD.99)
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My sister reminded me of this old Cornish saying..... "What's up with she, bin kicked by a spider?" "No, I b'lieve she farted and it went backwards"
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You can shear a sheep many times but you can only fleece it once.
Going to print and post this one to the Catering???? manager at the South of England showground following the last weekends showl.