The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: Daveravey on January 02, 2011, 03:59:54 pm
-
I'm sure we all know how this works so ...
Once apon a ...
-
time in the
-
dark dangerous woods
-
a poor little
-
mouse was sitting
-
contemplating his naval
-
and he found
-
something damp &
-
juciy lucy mossie
-
suddenly there was
-
big bang beside
-
the river side
-
which was slippery
-
when water splashed
-
up from the
-
the pool below
-
where felix the
-
cat had a
-
small boat lying
-
with a trap
-
for minky folk
-
that steal scrap
-
from poor farmers
-
who cant afford
-
toilet roll to
-
wipe their bottoms
-
plus they can't
-
spell very well
-
either. Meanwhile back
-
at the ranch
-
the dog is
-
having it away
-
with a pig
-
while the horse
-
is looking lovingly
-
at the game
-
of trivial pursuits
-
that was being
-
played for real
-
in the barn.
-
As the sun
-
was shinning bright
-
two Jacob ewes
-
just keeled over
-
and put their
-
best jacket on
-
to go to
-
the dance tonight
-
with their best
-
bib and tucker
-
there was a
-
handsome Ryeland tup
-
hanging around in
-
the shed today
-
eyeing up the
-
ladies in there
-
lovely white coats
-
waiting to section
-
thereselfs off for
-
the rest off
-
the day due
-
to there inability
-
to get it
-
anywhere near perfection
-
due to the
-
lack of training
-
they had received.
-
the day before
-
they fell over
-
head over heels
-
in love forever
-
Dreaming of intergalactic
-
courting aliens that
-
arrived from Mars,
-
the night before
-
the tattie picking
-
at the farm
-
near to Inverness
-
the next day
-
was the wedding
-
of the fat
-
ugly biker chick
-
who wore a
-
strapless pink dress
-
that pulled her
-
belly in tight
-
that so much
-
strain was put on the elastic
-
which was reinforced
-
snapped and the
-
elastic slapped back
-
with a whack
-
& it cracked
-
her left ribs
-
bruised & battered
-
she staggered out
-
of the pub
-
into the arms
-
of a policeman
-
who was dressed
-
as a fairy
-
cake which was
-
dusted with icing
-
sugar and spice
-
and other things
-
what a sight
-
she ate a
-
piece of his
-
stale ham sandwich :wave:
-
that had been
-
left for days
-
and was really
-
stale and curly
-
made of wood
-
tasted like crap
-
not very nice
-
a bit like
-
soggy corrugated cardboard
-
that the bottom
-
had fallen out
-
but it still
-
was better than
-
the last one
-
or the one
-
that was lying
-
in the gutter
-
with mouldy cheese
-
on top of
-
the dog hairs ;D
-
that were lying
-
in the butter
-
sidded toast crust
-
that was meant
-
for the dog
-
to eat at
-
at his bedtime.
-
story reading session
-
normally adult material
-
which was rather
-
naughty. However he
-
threw caution to
-
the chilly wind
-
and slid under
-
his silken duvet
-
only to find
-
a pair of
-
rampant rabbits playing
-
tig with the
-
next doors dog
-
who was chasing
-
his tail round
-
& round until
-
he fell over
-
onto the crusty
-
lemon meringue pie
-
which mother baked
-
lovingly yesterday morning
-
using organic ingredients
-
imported from germany
-
that glowed bright
-
like nuclear fuelrods
-
down homers back
-
that burned to
-
the skin of
-
a pink blamange
-
that had been
-
made for the
-
trio of speckled
-
hens that were
-
camping nearby. Meanwhile
-
down the road
-
near to Carlisle
-
over the river
-
Clyde to where
-
the motorway junction
-
joined a wee
-
road to nowhare
-
there was a
-
vintage massey tractor
-
with a flat
-
battery and tyre
-
that needed a
-
pump and jump
-
so he opened
-
the boot lid
-
and there inside
-
was lord lucan
-
the man himself
-
who was about
-
to do a
-
quick change act
-
while sucking a
-
sherbert lemon sweet
-
and looking sheepish :sheep: :wave:
-
'Hello' he said
-
as he hopped
-
about on his
-
broken wooden leg
-
and plastic shoes
-
with pink laces
-
I laughed and
-
nearly wet myself
-
but the pads
-
on his elbows
-
helped a bit
-
to stop him
-
nudging me on
-
over the edge
-
into the abyss
-
where i could
-
do whatever I
-
darned well like
-
due to being
-
the only one
-
in here, where
-
nothing gets done :wave: :wave: :wave: :wave:
-
without a fuss
-
after midnight it
-
went to hell
-
and back again
-
and landed up
-
at the beginning
-
all the way
-
to the market
-
the common one
-
Suddenly after the
-
lunch bell rang
-
just in time
-
they came toward
-
the sheep dip
-
and fell in
-
up to his
-
neck in the
-
slurry lagoon where
-
all the mud
-
clung to their
-
hairy body parts
-
so much so
-
shaving was required
-
much to the
-
amazement of the
-
other 3 birds
-
that were cooking
-
in the biggest
-
caudron in the
-
witches' coven, where
-
someone was being
-
boiled alive under
-
a huge pile
-
of smouldering cobwebs.
-
that the vet
-
And now we
-
cant make any
-
sense of this
-
so we open
-
another door post
-
which was wooden
-
and full of
-
woodworm and other
-
nasty creepy crawlies
-
and stuffed them
-
in the dumpling
-
which was cooking
-
on the range
-
next to the
-
bread and jam
-
butter on toast
-
and the old
-
bit of cheese
-
which was stinking
-
of fish guts
-
and tasted just
-
like I expected
-
washed down with
-
a pint or
-
four of IRNBRU!
-
followed by a
-
hair of the
-
dog with a
-
bone in his
-
paws ready to
-
run like mad
-
thro' muddiest puddle ::)
-
because of the
-
snow in the
-
middle of the
-
road to nowhere
-
then he remembered
-
the washing machine
-
was still running
-
so he jumped
-
on a bus
-
paid his ticket
-
with his last
-
Will and Testament
-
the driver said....
-
money or nothing
-
money please, I
-
am really skint
-
and i haven't
-
got any of
-
those fancy things
-
that I can
-
shove up my
-
dark & smelly
-
chimney in the
-
back room that
-
has the ghost
-
with the horns
-
sticking out of
-
the top of
-
the apple crumble.
-
NO! I screamed
-
Please not the
-
apple crumble! its
-
got lumpy custard
-
in between the
-
two little toes