The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: waterbuffalofarmer on January 04, 2016, 10:36:52 am
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I was wondering if anyone has listened to woman's hour today? They were talking about grief and how women have dealt with it. It was brilliant and so inspiring to listen to. There was a woman being interviewed who had just lost her husband, last august. She said she had never been alone in her life before and they had just bought a retirement home and he died suddenly, I must admit I cried a little hearing her talking, because she is alone in that she does not have her husband, for the first time in her life. She was saying how her children were very supportive for her which is good. I cannot imagine the grief which she was and is still going through and my heart goes out to her and everyone who has lost a spouse or someone close to them.
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A friend of mine is in that position now. In fact, I wondered briefly if she was the one you were talking about but her husband died later than August. They too had just moved into the bungalow they had wanted for years. He didn't even get the chance to live in it. I also have my mum who has just before Christmas lost her partner of 14 years, having already lost her first husband, my dad, and her second. She says it's the worst possible grief except probably losing a child.
If you know anyone in this position, please encourage them to talk about their loved one whenever they want to. My mum said that people are great at first but, after the funeral, they seems to expect you to just get over it. the worst, though, are those who cross the road pretending they haven't seen her. She knows it is because they're not sure what to say but that it hurts terribly.
Thanks for bringing up a very important topic, WBF.
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You're welcome MGM. I think it is important to give people who are grieving a lot of support, but at the same time give them a little bit of space so it doesn't seem oppressive. I remember hearing Robert peston talking about when he lost his wife after a short illness. He said that the kindest thing that people around him could do was to cook him meals and talk to him. He was saying that someone gave him magazines and pamphlets about grieving and he said he found that so unhelpful, even though the person meant well. I think the best we can do for people grieving is to be there so they can talk to you day or night and to help them in little ways too.
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I think we're all frightened of saying the wrong thing, sometimes so much so that avoiding the person seems safer.
Someone who wants to talk will be pleased if you say, "How are you feeling today?" - and then let them tell you.
But someone who really doesn't want to talk about it will shrug that off and change the subject - so perhaps we shouldn't be so nervous of asking the question, just sensitive to how it's answered.
All the same things apply to people who are ill - suffering from cancer, for instance. I know I've said and done the wrong thing for one person, having done what another person had told me was right for them.
I relate to the friends having 'compassion fatigue' thing. I haven't had a spouse die but I found the same with a lot of friends when my marriage broke down. The fact is, it takes a really long time to get anywhere near back to being on an even keel. People tend to be very sympathetic and understanding for a couple of months, but then expect you to be 'pulling yourself together' and 'moving on'. It's not that you want to keep talking about it all the time - although you do want to talk about it sometimes - but things like going out socially can be very very hard, and sometimes you just can't handle it need to leave. If your friends can't cope with that, you end up not going out at all, for fear of upsetting them - or finding new friends, which is incredibly hard in those circumstances!
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With a bereavement, there's nothing wrong with mentioning the person by name. It gives the bereaved the chance to open up if they want to or change the subject if not.