The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: Snoopy on November 18, 2009, 10:48:48 pm
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Just received this from my friend in Dunoon - classic....
How to get to Heaven from Scotland...
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday
school class to see if they understood the
concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was 'No!'
By now I was starting to smile. :D
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweeties to all the children, and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"
Again, they all answered 'No!'
I was just bursting with pride for them.. ;D
I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A six year old boy shouted,
"Yuv goat tae be fukin' deid" :o
;D ;D
Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir e'e...
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Julie, that's a classic ! When I saw this thread I thought of this joke too ;D
Billy Graham went to see the Pope in Rome. While he was waiting, Billy noticed a red phone. As he was ushered in to talk to the Pope, he asked, "What's the red phone for?"
"That's to talk to God," came the reply.
"Really," Billy gasped, "how much does such a call cost - it's an awful long way?"
"£10,000 a minute, but it's well worth it." answered the Pope.
Some weeks later, Billy Graham went to see the Chief Rabbi in Jerusalem. He noticed that he, too, had a red phone. "I don't suppose," asked Billy, "that this phone is to talk to God?"
"Yes it is." came the reply.
"And how much does that cost?" Billy inquired.
"£10,000 a minute," shrugged the chief rabbi.
On a trip to Scotland, Billy went to a wee village church. He noticed that it, too, had a red phone. "Is this the phone to talk to God" asked Billy, "Yes, if you want to use it it's 10p a minute" was the reply
"How come it's so cheap?" Billy asked, "the Pope and the Chief Rabbi have a phone like that and it costs £10,000 a minute!"
"Well," grinned the minister, "From here it's just a local call."
Proof, if proof were needed, that Scotland's definately God's own country ;) ;D ;D ;D
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Brilliant, love them both :P ::) :)
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;D ;D
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Nothing to do with Scotland but amusing all the same...CAKE OR BED
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'
'FINE!'
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!'
'FINE!' SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'
'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'
SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS................
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'
HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'
SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'
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;D ;D ;D