The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: aess35 on November 11, 2013, 11:56:19 pm
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:-\ I suppose this is a topic that many will have come across or are likely to come across in some way. I haven't had much of a relationship with my Dad since he and my Mum separated..this was pretty much his choice as we all lived in the same village, he moved a woman in with her son and they married. I'm a female only child so obviously didn't fit his bill of a suitable child..through my teenage years the contact was sparse and then I moved from Scotland to England so there was no contact. I took my children to meet him once after my youngest commented on the fact that she thought he had died, then no contact again from him. A few years ago he had a bad stroke so I took a deep breath and dragged the kids..now teenagers.. to see him thinking it was the right thing to do..again no contact afterwards having left a contact number. Tonight I got an e-mail from his 'granddaughter' through his wife saying that he has had 2 heart attacks and is waiting for emergency surgery which he may not survive. I honestly don't know how I feel..I had a brief cry but is that a pre-programmed reaction to hearing bad news..do I or don't I go see him?!?! I'm torn, I truly feel that I'm never going to get the reaction I want from him which is..I'm sorry, I let you down and basically I've been a s**t father so that is making me say no I'm not going but if he dies then I will not have given him this last chance to say it or anything else. I know my kids are not interested in him, they are 16 and 18 and have seen him twice and my partner of 6 years has never met him so I'm sitting here spilling my thoughts and wonder how many others have come across this type of situation..I used to wish I was adopted as I was a good child but drew a bit of a short straw with parents when they separated, I was left to my own devices for a few years as they had a ball being single. :thinking:
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If it were me , i would go and say , maybe , my goodbyes , even if it were just in my head .
If you don't go and he dies , you may regret it forever .
I never expect 'sorry' from anyone . If it comes , great , if not then you haven't lost anything anyway .
Only you can really know how you feel , and if you should go or not . But just by you asking the question , i think it shows not going would play on your mind .
Horrible choice though , but when he has gone , one you won't be able to change .
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I am with Rustyme on this one. Go along knowing it may well be the last time you see him. Ok it still may not be all you might wish, but you won't have to wonder if it would have been better if you had of gone, and will have nothing to beat yourself up about in the future.
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Ta..I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't..if I go I'll regress to a 12 year old child(I'm 42!) and feel just as pitiful as I did then but if I don't, as you both rightly say I'll always wonder. It might sound horrible but I wished I hadn't been told that he was so ill but been told when he'd passed as then I wouldn't be going through this and would just get over the fact that he didn't ask for me..because he hasn't, it's his wife that made contact!! And he's clearly still having a bad effect on me as I should be in bed instead of sitting here eating kettle chips and drinking cider..always got to keep a little humour in life or you'd spend most of the time in tears!! :thumbsup:
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It's a tough one and I'm not going to advise but
:hug: :hug: :hug:
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I agree with the others that you could regret it forever if you don't go. Maybe it is time you told him how much he hurt you and that he still is. Good luck in whatever you decide.
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I'm slightly bucking the trend. Yes, I think it probably would be best to go, get it over with and not expect anything positive to come out of it other than you doing the 'right' thing in a way he's consistently failed to do for you. Just to avoid the 'I wish' thoughts afterwards if he passes.
BUT if you don't want to I would ignore the 'right' thing as he's had all the chances in the world to try to do that right thing and didn't take them. You owe him precisely nothing.
What's important is your happiness since you are the let down one here. What will make you more content and happy in the long run. If you decide that's not going, then that's completely fine. Totally fine. :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Hmm. Tricky one, I'm not sure your reason for visiting should be to hear him say sorry.
If anything go and visit him to say goodbye, and so your conscience is clear.
He has had lots of time and opportunity to say sorry, I worry you might be disappointed if you go with that expectation.
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Thanks for all your advice, I suppose the wanting him to say sorry is just that I want him to care...I don't expect him to grovel for forgiveness. As I was putting 4 year old back to bed in the middle of the night and tucking her in I thought about how little effort it really takes to be a parent..you don't need money or or anything fancy, you need time and you need to show you care. For almost 30 years he has lived in the same village as most of my family, in fact for the past 10 can see my mothers house from his, he has never once asked about myself or my children and they have not suffered because of this, they are amazing. I'm not going to go to see him. Thanks again, for some reason it felt easier to ask the advice of strangers! :thumbsup:
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Some people can block things and feelings out of their life, they have different reasons, some selfish and some guilt but your father may well not think he has done much wrong, I suppose better being absent than being cruel in other ways, never the less, I can understand your feelings, its up to you but I too think it would clear your conscious to go and say your good byes, :thumbsup:
If anything go and visit him to say goodbye, and so your conscience is clear.
, I doubt he will say he is sorry but if he does it will be a bonus, we can never turn back time.
We are a complex breed us humans, being a father is more than a sperm donation but some parents forget that bit!
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My relationship was different to yours, Both my parents left , and met new partners, I am sure one of them was meant to take me, :) I stayed in the house on my own, i was 14 at the time.. until my aunt bought the property
i then moved into a bedsit, just couldn't fit into the new families created on both sides…
My sister was put into a home, she has Cerbal palsy..i never to this day, forgive them for that..
as i grew, i grew further away from them, i use to visit, and when i tried to move back..well!! it just didn't work.
some of that was down to me…
years went by and i started my own family..i had a call, dad was ill. so i came down, he died a few days later,
it was a weird feeling, everyone was crying except me… they where all telling me what a great man he was,
it was almost like being inside a big bubble looking out….. even at the cremation, i showed no emotion..
7 years later , i was driving home, and this song came on the radio..the living years, i felt angry , not just with dad, but myself..i guess , we both should of tried harder.. the song brought a tear to my eye…
I guess i loved dad, and i know he loved me..we just didn't tell each other… i sometimes still look to the sky and have a moan at him,
I am glad i said goodbye to him, even though we didn't exchange the words i think we both wanted..stubborn to the end..
i have also lost mum now, she is still alive , but she has alzheimers, she hasn't a clue who i am….
I don't think i had the best parents, and maybe i made a few mistakes, but i can't turn back time ….
if i where you, i think i would go..if nothing else, just to close that chapter in your life.. don't expect anything..
but be there for You
what ever you do, no one can judge you…and nor they should
i do send my best wishes to you ,
John
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I've been lucky, great close family, wonderful husbands both, lovely parents and grandparents. He is probably always in denial, so if it were me I'd go alone unless the kids want to come, and don't expect anything. Just say your goodbyes and forgive him if you can.
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If it was me I'd not bother. Go to the funeral when it happens and pay your 'respects'.
This is a man that got your mother pregnant and that's about all he is. My natural mother was a waste of skin and dumped me as a 6 month old baby on my grand mother. She tried for years to put me on various guilt trips, some I fell for, but in the end I ignored her like she ignored me.
I never went to her funeral and don't regret it one bit.
I still miss my gran even after 55 years.
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I have 2 tests which I apply when deciding whether or not to attend a funeral :
1. Did I see them when they were alive.? If not its too late to make it for it up now they are in a coffin. (Moral - if you have some one in your life you care about, take time to see them now.....they will let you off if you cannot make it to their funeral)
2. If it was me in the coffin would they be going to my funeral ?
They only exception to these rules is I might go along to support the greaving family that remain.
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:hug: :hug: :hug:
You owe him nothing. Relationships/feelings/situations are so complicated sometimes and I've come to the conclusion that there is no understanding why some people behave the way they do. Just do what you feel is right for you. I would probably go if it may be the last chance to see him. The funeral to me wouldn't matter .... too late then. As others have said, go and expect nothing from him but go for you ..... if in your heart that is what you think you should do.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
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I am only just able to listen to 'the Living Years' 6 years after losing my dad, so many things were left unsaid, the end was sudden, 8pm - call by paramedics, got over there, to hospital with him, called family, he seemed to stabilise so they sent us home about 2am, called back 4am - too late. I still cry, we'd waved goodbye expecting to see him again. crying now, I still miss him and wish I'd answered the questions he's asked a few days before, something family-wise I'd never talked about but he knew there wa a problem, and he'd wanted to talk about something I didn't want to hear so I'd changed the subject, how I wish I'd let him get it off his chest.
I know you've made your mind up but if it's not too much of a problem I would go, on my own maybe, you can't be sure of what went on in the background, 2nd wife may have objected? you may remind him too much of your mum and the problems?
Not to expect any apologies, just to say goodbye and give it closure, it may be a chance not repeated.
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IMy relationship was different to yours, Both my parents left , and met new partners, I am sure one of them was meant to take me, :) I stayed in the house on my own, i was 14 at the time.. until my aunt bought the property
i empathise with you on this..my mum and her friends all separated from their husbands around the same time so were only interested in partying..they just used to drink and sleep then drink again to the point that when it was party time at our house the beds were full of whoever and I would be sent to the local shop and pub at all hours for alcohol at aged 13..even before school. When it was at other people houses my mum would disappear for days at a time, up to 4..then I would go see my dad and his partner would give me vodka and I thought this was great at the time but led to me thinking drinking was the way to go to escape. It has taken me many many years of self analysis to stop being bitter towards them and it's made me far tougher than I want to be, in the end I decided that they may have affected the child but I am in control of the adult me.
As for the saying goodbye, I had sort of done that when I went to see him after his stroke..I took a deep breath and olive branch and drove the 3 hours with my reluctant children to see him thinking that I was going either say goodbye or get things sorted. I left my number and said for either him or his wife to call whichever way it went..no one did and here I am again. I have just told my kids about him and I think that one of them wants to go see him so that's that..I can't push my past onto them, they're living their own lives so I may end up seeing him, I'm going to be told how he gets on after surgery i'll decide then. :fc: :fc: :fc:
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aess35 .
That you have posted your predicament on here tells me that you do still care even though your dad might not seem to .
I'm 63 and have seen your situation quite a few times.
Most who went and made their peace with one another seem to have weathered the inevitable death better than those who didn't go .
One thing that does have to be taken into consideration is can you afford to travel there several times
IE
Before the demise hoping to get some sense of comfort for both of you , trying to be there in the last few hours or attending the funeral .
We have had seven deaths in my wife's broken up family in four years or so .. it got expensive for every trip cost us in excess of £ 500.
It was also very emotionally draining for Alison but she does not feel any of the misplaced guilt she used to feel whilst they were alive.
Like you she is left wondering why she was pig in the middle of two grown up's spiteful arguments where they hadn't the skills needed to get over it or the emotional development needed to stay wed and bring the kids up as a family ..
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This exact situation happened to my dad a few years ago. His mum died when he was 18 and his dad remarried and essentially didn't want anything to do with him. They never spoke, I never met him. Dad had a phone call one day (not sure who from) that his father was gravely ill, he had asbestos related cancer I think. Dad decided to go see him and they made their peace (as much as you can when you haven't seen eachother for 30 odd years), a couple of days later he died. I think it helped dad, so I would say if you can go and see your dad I would.
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i feel for you as iv been in a similar situation.
my father disowned me at 17 and i spent 10 yrs trying to fix our relationship to no avail. i was in australia when i found out he had cancer so i came back and was his carer for a while, but at the end of the day he just used me as a pawn in his divorce and it got too much. i havent spoken to him for 10 years now, he has remarried and apart from some abusive emails from his new wife, iv heard nothing, nothing when my mother died, and no attempt to contact me when it is in theory is easy to do so as the divorce solicitors have my details. i live in scotland and he lives in london - if he is still alive - i sometimes check the death register to see if his name is there. but if i did get the call to visit him or attend his funeral, im sure i wouldnt go, as he knows i have no remaining family and basically doesnt care 2 hoots about what has happened to me.
i know what its like to clash with teenage children but i wouldnt ever dis-own my own children and leave them to fend for themselves in the world, after all they didnt ask to be born.
however living in the same village and being ignored is even more hurtful. id say do what you feel is right FOR YOURSELF. not for him, or for anyone else. best wishes xx
big hug :hug: :hug: :hug:
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:hug: :hug: :hug: from me as well.
I don't know what it was like for you as I grew up with both my parents but my feeling is that if you don't go, will you regret it later? If you do go, don't expect anything from him. He's unlikely to change now. You don't need to go to the funeral as well.
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I'm in the don't bother camp - It sounds like he never bothered when he was well - even when he lived in the same place. I'd not waste another thought on him - your time and emotion would be better spent on those who have shown they care for you.
As the old saying goes: you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.
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I'm in the don't bother camp - It sounds like he never bothered when he was well - even when he lived in the same place. I'd not waste another thought on him - your time and emotion would be better spent on those who have shown they care for you.
As the old saying goes: you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family.
I keep going to this side too to be honest..having him back in my life for the past 24 hours in spirit so to speak has caused me to lose sleep and made me anxious..haven't heard if he's had his op yet, problem might be solved for me in due course. :tired:
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It's a tough one. My Dad's second wife didn't want him to have anything to do with his children from his first marriage but he was a coward as well for complying. He never was a very emotional man with us but he had no such qualms talking with pride (to me) about his stepchildren and the one boy they had together. I made all the effort for years trying to establish contact with barely an acknowledgement. Wrote a cheery chipper letter this year leaving out all the hurt and guilt and all that unhelpful crap, trying to be all adult insted of the hurting child I actually still was. Chased up the lack of response to find he'd died two years ago. It hurt that I hadn't had chance to see him and say goodbye. I may have faced the same rejection as I always have had but I still think I'd like to at least had that moment to see.
Don't do it for him. Only do it for you if you think it will fester that you didn't.
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We will all have different answers to give, because we are all different people
aess35 is like a few of us…she is the perfect hard boiled egg..hard on the outside, with the perfect soft centre,
you can tell by the way she writes, that she can be firm, yet has a heart of gold, its very hard looking back and wanting to be loved by the people you think would do it naturally, you start asking yourself if you did anything wrong
its easy to say tell him to bog off…most of us would say that…. but it really isn't that easy..
well !!! its easy to say….but not do
they say there is a fine line between love and hate….when you walk with one foot on either side of that line , it can be bloody horrible
the good thing is… you have a lot of cyber friends on here, and what ever you do…we will all be here for a pick you up :thumbsup:
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john and helen.. i raise my cyber glass to you and thank you for being diplomatic. ;) I'll keep you posted on the hopefully uneventful next week, he may make a remarkable recovery from surgery and this issue will be put on the shelf for another day..that would be the best outcome for all concerned!! :relief:
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Definitely go and see him. You might regret going but you will more than likely regret it a lot more, by which time it will probably be too late.
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If you did visit him now it would maybe give you the opportunity to move on from all the unresolved things from your childhood, which have perhaps kept a small part of you as the child that still craves parental love. You could just take the opportunity to be kind to a very sick old man which would put you in an entirely different relationship and give you some closure.
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Decisions in life are always easier when its someone else's life. I've had a fairly chequered family history myself, involving spells in children's homes, foster families and countless let downs. I grew up believing that families were pretty pointless, characterised by pain and disappointment and the occasional bit of duty. I spent much of my teenage years and early adulthood dreaming of a day when my rubbish parents would make up for all the wrongs they had done to me. I spent many hours/days running through the moment in my head, fully scripted, as they begged for my forgiveness. needless to say the moment never came. As I got older I became more resigned to the fact that it wasn't going to happen and less dependent on it. while there are inevitably moments when its harder to rise above it ( perhaps for you one of those moments is now) I made a decision long ago that I refused to be defined by the fact that I was unfortunate enough to have been born to 2 pretty lousy parents. I'm no saint even now I'm sure but feel more concerned about how I behave as a son and as a human being, than I do about how others behaved. After all that's the only thing I can ever have any control over and at the end of the day its me and my conscious I have to deal with..Whilst it wouldn't be without heartache I would always aim to do the "right" thing with a minimum of expectation of any thing meaningful in return. On the plus side, I have also been lucky enough to acquire other family and friends over the years, who I know love and value me- my original grim view of family has become far more positive over the years. spending a couple of hours on someone who probably hasn't earned my attention would probably (selfishly I'm sure) not be for them at all- but for me