The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: sandy on July 28, 2009, 10:30:13 am
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I sat looking at photos on a social network site and looked at my Nephews wedding and saw the wedding line up and blew my top!!!!!!!!! I never got an invite and have always been left out of my Ex' husbands family functions but everyone else seems to be there. My children and ex were there and I bet if my 2 unmarried daughters get married they will all be at that wedding!!!!
My Nephew (the Groom) has cerebral Palsy and I helped him a lot at the upper School ( I was a special needs support teacher) and escorted him on holidays etc, I even worked with him for a year and had a lot of common interests, his wife I also knew, she moved into the area and came to the Youth Club where I used to chat with her and got to know a lot of her family well. The line up consisted of My bully ex who's golfedgirl friend got an invite but did not go!!! his brother, who cheated on his wife (Grooms mum) for over 10 years and is now with a new girlfriend who was also in the line up and who I also have known for years and years, then the Grooms mum who had major problems when they spilt and who lives now with someone else who is my cousins friend and whom I have known since aged 15, th rest were other family members...so, I bet people are thinking she MIT be an embarrassment!!!!! well, it was my Ex who divorced me!!!!!!! I had 21 years of being bullied and when I was going to go off to Uni he found I would have too much power so decided enoughwas enough....so now I have changed my name...bu!!!! them!!!!! >:( >:( >:(
I am very very upset and mad as I was the one sticking out an awfulmarrage and trying to make the most of my life by going into higher Education, but my Ex gets it all....... see it's even made me spell bad!!! sorry folks for the rant...better now
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Been there done that. Hey think of it another way 'THERE LOSS'. I was very angry/shocked after my divorce, but now I think how strong I was to get out of an awful marriage. Bullies don't deserve a second thought.
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Thanks for that, it's happend loads of times now so I have changed my name. I wounder why the bully ends up with the support. My sister in law suffered terribly after she found her husband had been seeing women for 10 years, ended up hospitalised, she kept comming to me in a state and I had to argue with my husband (now Ex) that she could not help how she was and no matter how many times she came around in a state, I should spend some time listening to her, he just got mad and thought she should deal with it herself and told me to tell her not to bother us, of course I didn't but, when she recovered, she thanked my ex for all his support during her hard time and he still calls her all the names under the sun!!!!
Also my Ex wonders why he has had several girlfriends and they all seem to have "problems"????? One was sectioned fora while, he split with her and now she is happily married, with a new business and glowing, thelatest girlfriend is going th same way but he is hanging onto her...They all do not like going anywhere with my ex and I didn't wither as when I was married and went out with me, all he would do is poke fun,insult me and talk to everyone except me!!!!!!!
Well now I have had a very strong coffee and a huge plate of Beans on toast so at least I will not be blowing my top!!! (maybe my bottom ;D)
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My sister is getting married next week after a horrendous divorce. She was married for 25 years and for most of that time had a happy life and had no financial worries. Then her husband hit the bottle and the problems started. It's a long and ugly story but she moved out and he went after her and the eldest daughter with a knife. Before this there were other attempted attacks and they lived in fear from day to day and always when he was sober he was apologetic and promised it would never happen again.
Eventually she moved up here with me but again life was hell for many months. My sister had to wear a panic button 24/7 and my home and business was also kitted out with panic buttons and our address and phone number was on "rapid response" as the police understood how vicious and violent this madman was. After months and months of phone calls and vile letters from him we got back to normality. All through this awful time I had to try and run a business and ask my regulars to let us know if they ever saw the drunk in this area.
When he realised he could not hurt my sister any more he went after his eldest daughter and he did succeed in wrecking her life and career. She now suffers from depression and has nothing to do with her dad, his parents or my parents - as do my sister and I. It has now been over 2 years but we always wonder when the invasion will start again as we are sure it will one day. So, Sandy going to old family functions is not possible for us and to be honest I wouldn't want to go any way! This one man ripped our family apart and almost destroyed us in the process but we are stronger now because of all that happened. We can't even tell people from our "old lives" about the wedding - just in case someone would appear and cause mayhem on the day. My sister does have an injunction out against him and he is not allowed anywhere near her or any contact, but if he wanted to that would not stop him.
He went to court for the knife attack the same month the governmet spent £4 million on a campaign saying they would not tolerate knife crime. The judge said "tut tut you are a naughty boy now off you go".
Ok my rant over now too. Sandy rise above it and don't let it bother you, we had to read recently about 2 family deaths in the paper, so distanced are we now from the family it doesn't bother us any more, my only family now is my sister, her husband to be, my niece, her daughter and partner - who needs any more than that eh?
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Been through much the same with my first husband, his family put all the blame at my door. We were married 25 years not happy ones but once my kids left home so did I. My name was mud to his family but then he did the same all over again to another woman. Now everyone can see just what he is like. I on the other hand remarried and have been very happy for 13 years ;)
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Thanks!!! I am a bit emotional and want to get my own back and after 16 years with my new partner I wish I would have found him earlier (not too much earlier as he would have been under age ;) ;)) Thats why now I contact all my side of my family and loads ofrelative here in Scotland. When working in SOcial Services I saw it tme and time again, the victim of bullying ALWAYS comes off worse!!!!!! James, your such a nice person your faily are certainly mising out!!!!
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Thanks Sandy. The sad part is my mun and dad now have a great grand daughter, their first and they haven't even seen her. They are missing out in so much - I don't even miss them from my life.
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Hey and you know what the real problem is - at the time you think its your fault and you are the only one it is happening to. I left my ex when I was 7 months pregnant and had to get a restraining order in court. Divorced him finally (when I tracked him down) when my daughter was 2. Found him in prison!!! Well actually my solicitor saw him on breakfast TV. I can really laugh now, but I was constantly looking over my shoulder - moved several times etc.
Never felt right since about finding a partner, so still single, worked hard and got to where I wanted to be - marriage put me back a few years, but I'm there now. I have a lovely daughter who I am so proud of and who is my best friend. She has a healthy way of looking at boys - doesn't think any of them are good enough for her, she gives them a good go, but prefers her freedom - saying that two of her best friends are boys.
After all that if I saw my ex again, I now know I have the confidence to go for his throat - no only joking!
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What an emotional morning, just put this :-
experiment!If your reading this even if we dont speak often,post a comment here of a memory about you and I. When your finished copy this paragraph into your status and you will be surprised ar what people remember about you!
on a social network site and all sorts of memories are flooding back!!!! I just spoke to my daughter and broke down in tears for the first time in ages and ages and all these stories, I must have yet another shower and freshen up. Like someone said, you can pick your friends but not your family!!!! stranglly enough I do understand my Ex and get on OK with him now......from a few hundred miles away, thanks again!
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phew blimey .... makes you realize how you lucky you are, when you read other peoples life stories . My downs in life have all been terrible accidents, that so far !!! I seem to have got away with ...(hope I haven't spoken too soon there !!!) Glad you all seem to be in a better place (so to speak) now, hope it stays that way for you all. Nowdays I am quite contented and walk away from any form of trouble if at all possible. I wasn't always that way !!! I wouldn't cause trouble deliberately but if someone wanted to kick off , and they directed it my direction , hey ho here we go, I would oblige. I always gave fair warning though , "leave off and don't push it !!!" (don't push me !!! lol) then it would be "f***off" and then if it was family a final "f***off" , then TSWHTF. If they wanted to use baseball bats , pick axe handles, crow bars , hammers, whatever , no problem go for it ...anything you can do I can do better, and I did. I had broken bones from all the above , but so did they ONLY MORE . Now I am older I know this is wrong , and not the way to do things , and as I say I walk away if I can . But when I did act like that , there tended to be very few that would go past the first words of "don't push it !!" I always speak my mind and always have done , but I know others will disagree and I have no problem with that at all . I just don't allow anyone to tell me what I can or can't do . They can call me whatever they want no problems , but no one can tell me what to do or say . This may sound like a bully but I am not !! I always front up to bullies and will not back down no matter what . But I only ever turned to violence if that was what they wanted. It works ... even the bullies leave you alone, because they know what is about to happen . Those same bullies also know who they can get away with it though , and that is my point !!! I love the quiet life ....it is soooo much better than a trouble filled one . JUST DON'T PUSH ME ...... :o ::) ;D
cheers
Russ
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Oh Sandy, I'm so sorry that you are feeling bad. I know it's only a platitude but remember that "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger". I bet you have a good life now and have learned so many lessons from the past. Let it go! You will feel a weight lift off your shoulders! best wishes to you. sheila
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Sandy, you have super man in your life now. Steve deserves that you now put this all behind you. To be honest if I were him I wouldn't even like you talking to Ray.
I have been so lucky, my two husbands couldn't have been better. My family is quite close too, I have Aunts and an Uncle and loads of cousins that we see regularly - we can always think up a good excuse for a family do, and no-one is ever left out. My Mum loved both Sandy and John, although when I first started seeing John a year after Sandy was killed she did tell me to be careful, but she came round pretty quickly. Both of them were absolute charmers and my kids looked on John as their second father.
I think you should concentrate on Steve and your daughters and only contact Ray when it is absolutely necessary and only regarding your daughters. He and his cronies have no place in your life now. You must put them very firmly at the back of your mind.
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Thanks again, my partner is wounderful, even my ex likes him....so now after a bag of sweeties and a phone call from my daughter I am a bit better, the funniest thing is all/most people know what my ex is like yet cling onto him!! (probably because he is a plumber)! I carn't afford to visit my daughter in Austrailia, she was comming over but she has put all her money into her business but, guess what? my ex is going with his girlfriend this Christmas, he has been several times already as he has plenty of money, I would happily take a bet, and I am not a betting person, that he will buy the tickets and his girlfriend will back out!! she never goes anywhere with him and my daughter in AUstrailia really does not like her at all!!!
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Anyway, not sure why I am so upset!!!! I have long since moved on an know my Ex is not happy with his life!!!!
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I'm going to agility tonight but will pop in on way - around half an hour from now. Off to get Beth's chickens in a box and into the car.
You really must stop thinking about Ray and everything about him and what he has and what he has done or not done. You must think ONLY of Steve and the girls now. You are no longer a Foxon!
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Hiya Sandy, that was one chapter in your life now to make another one and many more to come :)
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Sandy, It's ok to feel upset and cross! But - would you really have wanted to be there?
Just send them an email through the networking site, wishing them all the best for their future and that you only just found out...This will maybe get it out of your system and possibly make them think.
:&>
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The groom was on my social network site so I did send him a message but have now taken him off as he is also nosy so don't want him knowing my business. I thought as I was friendly with his mum, specialy as she was sectioned for ages and I supported her but she praised my ex, she would have at least sent me an invite, and I would not have gone anyway!!!!!!
I have moved on and will now buy a lottery ticket so when I win millions they will come out of the woodwork and I shall ignore them...ha ha!!!
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s**t happens in the best families ::)...
We fell out 15 years ago with my cousin over my Gran's legacy (she hated his mother's guts) and he never forgave me (????). I just paid him off and thought, what the hell, I don't really need relatives like that, even if we used to be best friends as kids - he should really blame his mother for making Gran's life hell.
until earlier this year my mum found a note in her letterbox (just passing, had a good think and all the old grievance is not worth it, want to get back in touch? your nephew). So, we exchanged a few emails, not mentioning the old stuff (yet). Strange the ways it goes sometimes...
Good luck with the lottery! ;D :&>
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When I was first seperated I found it hard to manage a house I was living on a student grant, a few part time jobs and the money given as a settlement. I decided to leave university as I could not afford to carry on as I would soon go through any money so got a good job but stll found life a bit too expensive so applied for a better apid job which took a long while to actuly get, (got it in the end) so while I was living off a minimum wage job my Ex came in to a lot of money and rang me up to tell me!!!! that upset me as he added he was going to give £100.000 to the rest of his relatives as he felt guilty for having so much left just to him, as I was struggling I was waiting for him to say "here, take £100 or some jewlrey" but he didn't......the worse thing was e were still married when my mum and dad died and he kept that bit of money to himself!!!!!! I had to sell the car to pay the fuel bill but soon was well off in my well paid job!!!!!! A good way to put things straight would be to offer to pay for me to see "our" daughter but NO, the last thing on earth he would do!!!!!!!!!!
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Phew - lots of emotions going on here. I do wonder if Social Networking sites are a bad thing.
Big Hugs to all
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It's been one of those days, Anne has shown her true friendship, thanks, I am now under the influence!!!!!! ;)and another friend has booked in for a visit. TO add to the strangem ood I have been in, the TV is beyound repair and it is less than 2 years old and I washed my mobile, it's drying out on the radiator.
I have reletively few problems and am happy but from time to time see the injustices of life. Thanks for sharing your problems, you are good friends to have.... :-*
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Sandy as you have now realised life is way too short to go through it bitter and twisted, worried about what if and what do others think about me! You never know what tomorrow has in hold for you and whatever it decides to throw at you remember there is always someone worse off than you. Stay happy ::)
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:-* nite!!!
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Hey Sandy...just read your thread...hugs and kisses...a lot of us have been there and when the bad memories break through it can be really hard to focus on the good things in your life...but you don't need all this hassle...just look what YOU have achieved DESPITE what happened to you...recognise how much a better person YOU are now to who you were back then and just how far YOU have travelled since those dark days...YOU are above all the back stabbing and bitching...YOU don't need to stoop to their level...the loss of YOUR friendship and trust is THEIR loss and they are worse off for it!!!
Have a moan...get pissed...have a cry...get mad...BUT GET SMART, DON'T WASTE EVEN A SECOND OF THE LIFE YOU HAVE NOW ON YESTERDAYS MEMORIES...LIVE FOR TODAY AND MAKE THE MOST OF TOMORROW...and always remember...you have friends and supporters right here to help!!
Chin up lovely...tomorrows another day
Best wishes
Farmer
:farmer:
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:'( very moving, thanks
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Your welcome...good night.
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Night, Sandy and Steve, hope it was a good vintage ;D ;D ;D