The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: happygolucky on December 14, 2012, 11:44:22 am
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As I read with interest the Jealousy thread, it reminded me of my own feeling of guilt that stems from divorce, I am sure I am not alone but am alone as I have no one to talk to about it all so I wanted to air stuff on this forum.
Its been 20 years now but, I as a divorced women always feel incredible guilt about the family break up, even though it was my husband who divorced me, no other person involved just a complete difference of opinions and characters that clashed all the time, anyway, I am not bothered about that side its my daughters. No jealousy or regret only guilt.
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That's just what I mean Cleopatra, you were not to blame but get the shame!!!!
You can either play up to their image of you so they get fed up......or move on, in place or in your head.....
I moved away as my Ex knew every move I made and I got fed up with stupid things being said, probaly the same as you :innocent: ,, also I did want a fresh start as a new partner living where an old partner has such a strong link too is hard!!
I think you first have to be happy on your own before you can be happy in any relationship, I was very very lucky and met my ideal man straight away..........
I read a bit about guilt before I posted this, it took me a while to pluck enough courage on to share how I feel but its horrid....... your daughter may have loads of resentment inside her, cannot blame her for that but its definitely nothing to do with you........the best way is to enjoy your now time.....do things that with a partner are hard....eat what you like and see things on the cinema that you want, go alone of find another person, either someone you know or a total stranger who also is alone...
There is nothing wrong at all with lonely hearts, how dare they call YOU a slapper!! how the hell are you suppose to meet a partner? go to a pub and Waite to be picked up? go to a dance or party to be picked up? hope you meet the ideal person shopping? at work or school etc etc,,,,dating sites are great these days, of course there will be the odd problem but not as many as leaving it to chance,,,,IF, you are ready and IF you do want some one, there IS some one out there for you,,,,,,that's what I did do but my now husband was there for me and all was great in the end!! go for it and B to them nosy so and sooo's
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:hug: YOur monther and brother dieing would be a cause for depression, it must hurt in waves, not sure of the circumstances but I still think about my parents, they died a bit young, in thier early 60's, death is something that you just live with rather than get over, the pain gets less but sometimes something triggers it all off, although I do have my brother he has caused me major concerns over the years, hes great now though.
There are lots of single people out there as well as lots of people in pretend happy marrages or partnerships..........I felt liberated coming to a place where I had no history.....I now make my own and if anyone calls me strange things that's all the better!!!
I wonder if its a mum thing to feel guilt? I doubt my ex feels any guilt and I wonder if yours does? I love dogs too, they are the very best tonic...I am putting off a walkies due to me having wires trailed all over trying to get washing done...and so I want it finished before guests return to the B&B.
I am on my own as well, my only brother is a recluse and know one else around, I have 1 daughter in England near her dad and strangely her partners parents live a few doors away from her dad, there are so many links there for them. I have 2 daughters and all my grandchildren and son in laws in Australia making a great new life for themselves, that makes me happy but I miss them sooooooo much, that's the problem with divorce, things get complex!!! :thinking:
:hug: :hug:
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I hate that too, I think it effects some insurance policies as well......we got married partly due to hat and partly cause we wanted too.....I hate the idea of being judged if married or not too!,,
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If I feel a bit down I tell myself;
" I'm right here, right now, I'm free to go in any direction I choose. The past is gone, the future is what I decide it will be. "
And it's true, I'm not chained to the floor, if I want to change anything I can, nothing can stop me.
Try it.
If that doesn't work how about seeing a counsellor ? Don't hold it all in, tell someone everything you feel. The old sayings "get it off your chest" and " a problem shared is a problem halved" are folk wisdom, " a weight lifted off your shoulders" is how you will feel once you've told someone. You've taken the first step by sharing on here, un-burden yourself to a counsellor - they've heard it all before, humans are not as unique as we like to think we are, we share anxieties like we share DNA.
Best wishes.
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Sandy and especially Cleo, with the depression, Dorothy Rowe's 'Breaking the Bonds' has completely changed how I see depression and is changing the thinking that kept me going back there.
Basically she's saying you've learned a way of thinking about things in the past, which at the time was a sensible and useful way of surviving something. But now it's outlived it's usefulness and is leading you into depression, and that you can learn a different way of thinking and stop becoming depressed.
She's wise, sane and it works (and I've read a lot of books on depression in my time, she is the best).
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I don't feel guilty for leaving my ex. He is a power freak and abused me for years so I needed to get out. What I do feel bad about is that my children were so hurt. I genuinely thought they would understand why I left - he always had to control them as well and the elder two left home quite young to get away from it - but they thought we were happy together.
Whereabouts are you, Cleopatra? I'm wondering if there are any TASers near enough for you to meet up now and again. Many of us have been in your position and do understand.
As far as calling ou a slapper is concerned, surely it was better for you to join a dating agency rather than go after someone else's partner? If you had done that I could understand their feelings but you looked for someone available. That's perfectly normal. We all need someone to love who loves us in return (other than children). :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Exactly, how is that being a slapper >:(
Stupid mean-spirited man, we all want to be loved.
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I had similar Mad goat women, my daughter is on here so not going into detail but they all know how controling he was, not that he could help it as he had a crap childhood....I deal with things but it would be great to talk with a human!!! :innocent: ....the trouble is, I feel more and more cut off due to money, my EX has tons and that gives him freedom and I am positive he has NO guilt but I tried my best to stay but he told me to go....for the best as I am sooooooo happy, as in jealousy I used to envy happy married couples, I had very little in common with my ex and in fact he is probably more happier without me!!
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Exactly, how is that being a slapper >:(
Stupid mean-spirited man, we all want to be loved.
True. Next time you put an advert on the dating site include the words " Looking here for a partner as all the local men are inadequate...."
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I too feel guilty about what I put my girls through when I left my husband, but I left for love, not after abuse or violence. I suppose that makes me the lowest of the low to break up a family unit for my own selfishness. However, I wasnt happy, I used to drink far too much to make it tolerable and if it hadnt happened when it did, it would have happened at a later date.
As a consequence of me leaving, my entire family disowned me, mum, dad, brothers, all whole lot of them. I had virtually nothing to do with them for over 2 years. I used to pluck up courage and ring my mum, only to be told how horrible I was and that I'd made my bed etc, and put the phone down on me. My brother told me that I was the worst thing that ever crawled out from under a stone. Nice!
However, 21 years after I met the love of my life, we are still together and although I do moan about him, I still love him as much as I did all those years ago so perhaps I made the right decision after all.
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NormandyMary (http://www.accidentalsmallholder.net/forum/index.php?action=profile;u=12879) I know that feeling of desperately wanting the love you crave....I was certainly tempted on a few occasions but did nothing, my strong commitment to being married stopped me,,,,,just in time.
I think a lot of couples stay together but have affairs and choose to ignore that, especially regarding the economics of it all....it must be getting harder and harder to live separately....I did not drink but was being destroyed inside, although, just before I separated I felt a sense of power, I had gone to college and just going to Uni, in my opinion was becoming more independent and stronger, that's the key.......
I suppose sharing our guilt helps a lot!! :bouquet: :bouquet:
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I kept thinking in the shower...you should never feel guilty unless you did something horrid like kill some one, even then, the circumstances of your life and birth and genetics play a huge part in who you are and how you react to things!!!!
Most of us do things we regret all the time, with our partners, animals, pets and children as well as with friends and relations, your relations are cutting themself off and that's really stupid, life is too short. I
When I first separated I got left out of a lot of family events due to my Ex having strong family bonds in the local area, all or most of my family lived far away and I had sort of lost contact and been much more involved in my in laws family..I was deeply hurt when I did not get an invite to a family wedding, a relation that I had a lot of interaction with , it hurt even more as my first Grandchild was the bridesmaid and my Ex took his then girlfriend....On reflection I suppose they all thought we would create a scene being together for a wedding but we have never been like that, he has been here a few times and visa versa!!! nevertheless, I was heartbroken at the time!!
We cannot help who we are, we make wrong decisions all the time, its all about learning, some of us make the same ones over and over, I know I do, as for the effect on our children, few if any of us are "perfect" parents, we cannot be saints all the time...unless of course we are :innocent:
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Happy, we have a lot in common. It was when I got a job that I was good at (I'd been working with him in our own business and constantly being put down before) then went to college with the intention of going to uni that I gained the self confidence to leave. That and meeting my OH who made me feel good about myself. I stayed because I believe that people should work at marriage but that takes two. Ex kept coming to see me and begging me to return, saying that he didn't want to go on without me. Four months later he was with someone else And married he before the ink had time to dry on the decree absolute.
By lying under oath, he managed to get more than he was entitled to from our joint assets so he now has no mortgage and I have another eleven years to go on mine.
I don't feel guilty about leaving him but mad at myself for not doing it as soon as the abuse started.
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WOWWWWOW Goatwoman of Madeley, that's me spot on too, he told me to leave just as i gained power and status...I was slim and attractive but always felt crap about myself, when other men showed interest that made me feel great...until I returned to insults, he still does that now, with all women once they are "his" I think it was due to his upbringing, I was told years ago he was a misogynist, i had to look that up!!! Mine also took more than a fair share of our finances, the judge refused to grant a divorce and asked for his solicitor and mine to come to see him with me, he said he would ask 3 times if I agreed to the grossly unfair settlement and I said Yes, I had to choke back tears as otherwise my children would have been put more through the mill than me........I still am angry that he had my parents money when they died, that was not much as they were not rich but, when his parents died I had nothing, then he was left a huge sum from farming uncle and aunt and that rubbed it in as at that time I had to sell my car and leave uni to survive..however, I had found true love and a sole mate and for once felt happy with myself, you and me have parallel lives......nice to get out of a crap marrage though,,,,shame about the children!!
I am made too that I stayed, although when you feel so low, what choice have you?
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When I got divorced from my husband of 23 years, I only ever ticked 'single' on any forms that came my way. I didn't see what anyone could gain from knowing what I had been through - it was my own private business. I also felt that it was correct, and that it labelled me as I really was - ie, single. Not in a relationship. I mean, someone who had lived with someone but not married them would be single if they split up, so why shouldn't I be too? Being 'divorced' is one option, being 'single' is another. Though it does help if you are living somewhere new, I admit.
Now, however, I am married again and very happily, too :)
I met him on a motorcycle forum :D
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I have always hated being asked if I am Mrs or Miss, I used to put Ms.......Forums bring a lot to our life well mine anyway, I met my husband at college, I went for an interview on the same day and saw him as a strange but nice Happy, I had an instant bond but was a married women, I did not think he was remotely interested in me, I missed him when he had a day off and we always said the same things in class, when I separated I held a little party and that's when we got together, instant love :love: :love: :love:
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:love: :bouquet: :wave:
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My ex had an affair, left, she got herself pregnant so in the end they married. I believe they are happy now, and he is certainly very happy to be a dad.
I wasn't and never have been angry about the affair and how it all ended up - clearly he wasn't happy with me, he met someone and you have a right to find happiness.
What I was angry about is how he went about it all. His handling of having an affair and leaving was abysmal and very very cruel. I didn't deserve that, and it made getting over it all and being able to trust again so very much harder.
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That must have hurt bad!!....My best friend and my sister in law were sort of upset when I first told them we were seperating, although a lot of people I knew were in the same boat...then, we all found out that both sister in law and friends "devoted" husbands had been seeing other women for the past 10 years......that destroyed them for a long time.....it must put all those past memories into a different context...... :-[
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This is not restricted to males. ::)
My late partner, John, was financially, mentally, and emotionally mistreated by his 'ex', and didn't have the money to go to the final divorce hearing 700 miles away, so she was awarded more money than she'd alrwdy got out of him voluntarily - to try to get her to go away and ealve him alone.
He didn't have the remaining balance she was awarded and I had to pay it. She had already got £60000, and a monthly allowance for 5 years, as well as bills paid for her totalling £10000
She kept phoning our house when we moved in together, as she had got the number from her lawyer who had in turn got it from John's stupid idiot one who we found out later was her uncle.
I knew as soon as I came in from work she had phoned as he was so depressed. She made HIM feel guilty, but I feel guilty 10 years after his death that I wasn't more assertive in refusing to pay her.
Just another side to the coin.
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My brother in law walked out with nothing.....mind you he did have an/several affairs....I suppose it's about who holds the power......
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It boils down to the way people are , there are good and bad in male and female .
There have always been strong women who take no crap from men , others that just take ! Many got and still get abused by outwardly 'nice' men, but many have good and bad times , just lifes ups and downs .
Men can be arseholes , others can be good men . In many respects women are freer than they used to be , but do they get treated better ?
Peeps is peeps and always will be . It's just the bunny boilers i worry about !
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Exactly Rusty, I have met some very horrid people working within Child protection, male and female!!!
We are who we are and its difficult to change, its even more difficult to find someone you want to spend most of your time with.
One thing, we tend to follow family trait es, our future is often mapped out for us and people who choose horrid partners often choose the same type again and again and again......Its all a balance of power.
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My ex told my mum soon after I left him that if I had shouted back at him in the early days, things wouldn't have worked out the way they did. Obviously this means it was my fault that he turned into a control freak. Not. Mind you, he also told me that it was my fault he raped me. Quote, "If you hadn't have resisted, I wouldn't have had to rape you." unquote. I only resisted the once. After that, I gave in as it was over quicker in the long run.
The funny thing is, he is now married to a woman who is the one in control. As both my boys told me, on separate occasions, "Ronnie says jump and Dad says "How high, dear?" He seems to be happy with her though. Maybe that's where I went wrong. I should have been the one in control but that's not the type of person I am. I want a partner who is my equal in the marriage and that's what I now have. My boys aren't like their father. Unfortunately, my daughter is like him.
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I think that giving in keeps a lot of relationships together, like you MGM, I like the equality I have now...I think due to me being a bit erratic and spontaneous most of the time, sometimes people like to take controle as its the way they feel safe....I detest any form of control and my now husband tries it on all the time, he says he is helping but he is actually interfering and then i get mad.....although he is not as bad as my Ex in any way shape or form, he will just tell me what to do all the time, e.g, phone so and so today, pay the gas bill, hoover the bedroom etc etc, I honestly do not need to be told and hate it, I now understand its things that are going on in his head and he wants them sorted to feel better......on the other hand my Ex used to actually tell me off and was negative about anything and everything I did, even my friends were spoken about in negative ways...anyway, like you say, there needs to be a balance, I suppose your Ex actually likes being controlled... and I hope my ex can find someone who can put up with his insults all the time......he has a nice girlfriend at the moment so who knows???
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My ex's mother was shizophrenic so not able to be a proper mother a lot of the time. I wonder if subconsciously he's looking for someone to be in that role, ie the one who makes the decisions. Even our GP asked him why he felt he had to control the children all the time. She didn't know he contrtolled me as well.
He used to tell me how to do things. For example, I write stories and he used to tell me what characters I should have and what the stories should be about. The worst bit was how he was in front of other people. A couple of occasions I can remember were when we had to see the bank manager about our business account and one parents' day at the school. We were discussing some aspect of the business with the bank manager and I ask a question. Before BM could answer, ex said, in a very soothing voice, "Now I did explain it all to you before we came. What you are asking about is....". I felt about six inches high and didn't ask any more questions. At parents' day, teacher was talking about older son's behaviour. I said that he was easily led (which I had been told by other members of staff). Again, before teacher could say anything ex buts in, "No he's not. I've told you that before." Again I shrank down in my seat and kept quiet. I thought they must think I was totally stupid. Now I realise that they probably felt sorry for me being married to him.
He did do me a big favour though. We gave up the business (which had been running at a loss for years but he refused to give in) and moved down south so he could go to university. (He had no qualifications at all having left school at 15 but went in as a mature student. The uni accepted him on the basis that he was clearly numerate as he had kept the business books and had a previous career in retail management, and his application letter, which was very detailed, demonstrated that he was very literate. Guess who had gone through the letter correcting the grammar and spelling?) He started putting me down even more once he was a university student, the first in his family, so I decided to get a degree myself just to prove I am not as thick as he made me out to be. I now have a degree, a Masters and a PGCE and had a very good few years in teaching. (He hasn't worked since, mainly I think, because he alwasy said he wouldn't work as he didn't think it right that he should pay back his student loan.)
The saying that what doesn't break you make you stronger is certainly true, HGL, and I'm sure we are both much stronger people as a result of what we went through. :bouquet: to you for surviving.
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My husband had a bad start re mum v's aunt too, hence the controle of females in his life!! :rant:
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My husband is 67, but it sometimes feels as if he is 6 going on 7. He just doesnt seem to be able to function without me there to do even the basics like sorting his clothes out, dealing with all the money (however did he manage to run a successful company back home?) do all the chores, the shopping the present and card writing..I could go on!
Many years ago, he left home at a very early age, although why has never been explained, but it didnt take him long to find a woman to live with so that he could be looked after. He has drifted from one wife to another seeking both love and care. I feel he is very insecure and needs reassurance all the time. Trouble is, Im insecure too so we make a great couple! He used to always want his own way, but these days he has mellowed and I can talk him round to my way of thinking.
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I suppose this is quite a cathartic thread. You are all getting things off your chest that need to be closed down for you to move on.
I think it has helped me already that I needn't feel guilty about allowing Jean to have that money as it DID get rid of her eventually. Mind you she did try it on again when he died - tried to say his will was invalid as he was English and it needed two witnesses. Fortunately that didn't faze me as I studied law in Scotland as part of my accountancy degree.
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I have just got my decree nici through - we parted company cos of mutual reasons - ie she thought I had cameras in all the light sockets and was going out with a fat nurse in the taffia and what made it mutaul is tha I dont know any fat nurses and the taffia does not exist.
I just couldnt handle getting up in the morning for work and finding she hid my shoes and trousers to stop me leaving the house for work (or to go see the fat nurse as she said) - then still shag me like a rabbit at night.
Left her with the house - she sold it for a pittance - all my stuff got burned in a huge fire.
I'm not bitter - jus glad to get the divorce through.
One thing I am not doing after 5 years though is going for a financial separation as you have to give all your accounts over - to be fair, I've made a bit of money since not being a quivering wreak - last thing I want is to get back involved in a fight for money. ;)
Ah well its all good and part of life - rich and diverse and sometimes shitty.
Baz
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Baz, poor you, must have driven you mad.......you did well not to crack yourself.....we had a chap staying with us whos wife was in the family home and sold it for a tiny sum as she was reg disabled and was happy to get a council house adapted.......Its hard when relationships are as bad as that, whats happend to her now Baz?
That taffia nurse sound hot :-J