The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: rustyme on June 02, 2009, 03:05:10 pm
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the United Arab Emirates have banned the Flintstones on TV, saying they don't want to watch it , but the kids of 'Abu Dhabi do'
What do you call a head floating in the water ...? Bob......
sorry .. it must be the heat.... ::) ;D
cheers
Russ
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Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Chinaman showed up Monday morning their first day on a new building site.
The foreman says to Paddy Englishman "grab that wheelbarrow and a shovel and move that pile of soil"
he says to Paddy Irishman "use this paint and paintbrush and start painting that wall"
and to Paddy Chinaman "go to the delivery room and wait for the lorry with the supplies"
after a couple of hours the foreman comes back to see how the lads are getting on
"jesus Paddy Englishman i didnt think youd move all that soil fair play"
"ah Paddy Irishman thats a fine job you done on that wall"
he goes to the delivery room and finds the lights are turned off "what the feck is
going on here" he says as the turns on the lights. Paddy Chinaman jumps out
"sulplise"
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The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need -- a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit = £400
New shirt = £36
New underwear = £6
Second opinion PRICELESS
kn
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Did you hear the one about the scarecrow who won an oscar? He was outstanding in his field!!
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;D
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a horse walks into a bar and the barman says "why the long face!"
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I thought i would join in
There is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'
'OK,' says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'
The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
Linz
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here is another one
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop, Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you
Vinnie
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A young man on holiday sends a postcard to his folks
" No mun, No Fun, Your Son"
the father replys
"Im sad, too bad, Your Dad"
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True story but I think funny.
As some of you know I live along side the River Eden, the estuary is a bird sanctuary and "heaven" at times to the twitchers. Yesterday one of our regulars was going home, on the bridge he met a twitcher and they started talking. The regular(Legs) asked the man if he had saw anything of interest. The reply was there were some swans and further down those 2 are Mute Swans. My regular said "oh no they ain't" and the guy assured him they were indeed what he said. After a few minutes of disagreement the twitcher gave up and said "ok what do you think they are?" "I don't think, I know" my friend said "they belong to the pub I have just left and these swans are bleemin geese!" The twitcher was not impressed but Legs thought it very funny and entertaining - and so do I.
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I feel another funny story coming on, James - why is he called Legs?
ps i love the tomato one, Linz - I hooted out loud! ;D ;D ;D
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Legs is about 6ft 5", enough said???
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Its early in the day but it made me laugh...
This is something to think about when negative people are
doing
their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the
next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to
make your
life miserable.
'A woman was at her
hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with
her husband... She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who
responded:
"Rome? Why
would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty...
You're
crazy to go to Rome. So,
how are you getting there"
"We're taking
Continental" was the reply. "We got a great
Rate"
"Continental"
exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible
airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and
they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called
Teste."
"Don't go any further.
I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be
something
special and exclusive, but it's really a dump"
"We're going to go to see
the Vatican and
maybe get to see the Pope"
"That's rich" laughed the
hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of
yours. You're going to need it.
A month later, the woman again came
in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to
Rome.
"It was wonderful"
explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of
Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and
they bumped
us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
had a
handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great!
They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's
a jewel,
the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so
they
apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
charge"
"Well" muttered
the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know
you didn't
get to see the Pope"
"Actually, we were quite
lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped
me on the
shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of
the
visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private
room and
wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes
later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! We
sat
down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really!
What'd he say?"
He said: "Who f*****
up your hair?"
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Let's test the way you think
'thepenisinhermouth'
Did you read
'the pen is in her mouth'?
Na? Me neither
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;D ;D ;D ;D
I too have a filthy min! I admit it! ;)
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Oh dear, I feel really dreary now cos I read The pen is in her mouth
I know Im getting old but really now totally depressed.
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Snap...that's what I read too...ah well I'd better go and find the Horlics; night, night
:farmer:
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
" Over here on the swing ," replied the drunk.
kn
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;D ;D ;D ;D
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A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pyjamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front garden.
The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cbeebies channel, and the lounge was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the work tops, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"
She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"
"Yes," was his incredulous reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
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What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.
'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. 'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'
Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?'
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded,
'It is all really quite simple. .
The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'
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My friend drowned in a bowl of Muesli - he was pulled down by a strong currant!!
A 0 and an 8 were walking through a really hot desert the 8 says "Wow I'm so hot!"
The 0 replies " cool down, loosen up like I did and undo your belt!"
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The boss wondered why one of his most dependable and valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. '
"Hello?"
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
"Yes ", whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, " No".
Surprised and still wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'
"Yes."
'May I talk with her?'
Again the small voice whispered, '"No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
"Yes", whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
"No he's busy" , whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
"Talking to Mummy and Daddy", came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
"A helicopter" , answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter".
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
.........
"Me".
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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have a look at thsi.
www.videosift.com/video/naked-swedish-men-and-the-danceof the crispbread
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What do you do with a rubber trumpet?
*
*
*
*
*
*
join an elastic band
(I know it's old, but it's got something, har har) and another:
I was having trouble with my computer.
So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like that little s**t, Eric.
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www.videosift.com/video/naked-swedish-men-and-the-dance-of-the-crispbread
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Re: Northfifeduckling....I'll bet HE was the nine year old brat that was spoken about whenever you read DIY instructions...he's just graduated to computers
Farmer
:farmer:
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I SO need to get the sound sorted on my PC.
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here's one for the ladies.
whywomenneedcatalogs.wmv
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brilliant like em all so far :)
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here's one for the ladies.
whywomenneedcatalogs.wmv
You need to put this into google to find it - funny though!
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SORRY I FORGOT TO SAY THAT YOU NEEDED TO GOOGLE IT!
Any way heres one for the chaps www.lolblipsdailyradar.com/video/youtube_malpki/
don't look at this if you are easily offended.
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There was three lads - a lad from England, and lad from Scotland and a lad from Ireland. They got to talking amongst themselves and determined that their wives were cheating on them.
So they got to decided to go away and look for a bit of evidence and they’d come back three weeks later and meet in the very same place, which they did. Sitting around back at the same corner of the counter the Paddy Scotsman was the first to speak up,
“How did you get on?” says the other two boys.
“Not too good,” says he, “my wife is going with a carpenter.”
“How do you know?” says the other two boys.
He says, “I found a carpenter’s toolbox under the bed.”
The Paddy englishman spoke up next.
“My wife is going with a butcher.”
“How do you know?” says the other two boys.
He says, “I found a butcher’s apron under the bed.”
And they turned to the Paddy Irishman and asked
“How did you get on?”
The Paddy Irishman says, “You think ye’re bad - my wife is going with a horse!”
“How do you know?” says the other two boys.
Says he, “Didn’t I find a jockey under the bed!”
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Jeb from Texas is visiting Ireland. Paddy is given the task of showing Jeb around and, upon learning that Jeb is a farmer, Paddy takes him out to the country to show him his farm.
Jeb spends most of the trip exclaiming about how small the roads are, how small Paddy’s car is, how small Paddy’s house is and how most everything is bigger and better back in Texas. After a few hours of this Paddy is getting a bit tired.
Finally Jeb and Paddy are leaning over Paddy’s fence watching his horse in the pasture. Jeb pipes up,
“Ya know, Paddy, this field sure is small.”
“Is that so?” a resigned Paddy replies.
“Why sure!” says Jeb, eyeing Paddy’s horse, “If I were to ride my horse around my property back home, it’d take me two days!”
“I used to have a horse like that,” Paddy fires back, “had to shoot ‘im.”
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Two Irish lads met at their local one weekend. They got to discussing the week’s events and Mick asked Paddy about his horse, who had fallen ill.
“Ah sure,” says Paddy, “the veterinarian came out this week and said we had to put him down.”
“That’s a shame,” said Mick, “and did he shoot him straight away?”
“Well,” says Paddy, “First he said we should dig a great big hole for the horse. It was then he got out the gun.”
“And did he shoot him in the hole?” asked Mick.
“No, no - he shot him in the head,” says Paddy.
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One afternoon Paddy and Mick were having a pint at a pub across from a brothel. For the craic, they sat in the front so they could watch the comings and goings across the street. The two lads were shocked when a presbyterian minister walked into the brothel.
“Begod,” says Paddy, “that’s a shame to see a man of the cloth going bad!”
A while later a Jewish rabbi walked into the brothel.
“Ah,” says Mick, “wouldja lookit that! Tis a shame to see the Jews giving in to temptation as well!”
More time passed and a Catholic preist walked into the brothel. Both men sat up in their bar stools with concern. Paddy turned to Mick and says in a whisper -
“Didja see that, Mick? One of them girls must be on her deathbed!”
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It was a quiet day in an English pub and a few local blokes were feeling like starting a bit of trouble. Well, just then Paddy Irishman had the misfortune to walk in and order a pint of stout.
One Englishman turns to the other two and says, “I say, let’s get a rise out of Paddy, shall we?” They all agree and one of them walks over to Paddy’s table.
“I hear that St Patrick was a raving drunkard, pissed out of his mind half the time.” the Englishman sneered.
Paddy looked up from his stout, shrugged his shoulders and said, “Ah, now,” before turning away again.
The second Englishman walked over. “The way I heard it, Saint Patrick was a lech and an adulterer.”
Paddy shrugged again, saying “Ah, well,” and appeared not to react to their barbs.
The two Englishmen looked in confusion at the third. The third smiled viciously, as if he knew just the thing required to upset poor Paddy. Standing, he called out,
“I heard that Saint Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!!”
Paddy looked up from his pint for a third time and said, “Sure, weren’t these other two lads just trying ta tell me the same thing!”
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You're full of them tonight, aren't you, sac. love 'em all! ;D ;D ;D Oh , no I think I replied too quick - you've posted another one, haven't you?
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One night on the small, dark Irish country roads an Englishman and an Irishman were driving recklessly and collided, demolishing both of their cars. Amazingly, the two men emerged from the wreck unscathed. Astonished by their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike of each other from that moment forward.
The Irishman at this point fetches a bottle of 12-year-old Jameson from his car and hands it to the Englishman who gratefully accepts it, removes the top and hefting the bottle in a toast, cries,
“May the English and the Irish live forever in peace and harmony!” Still shaky from the wreck, the Englishman takes several hearty swallows, draining a good half of the bottle before handing it back to Paddy.
“Eh, no thanks,” says the Irishman, “I think I’ll just wait for the Police to get here.”
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Before anyone goes all PC on me. I am, of course Irish!
Regards,
Morgan
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I had already guessed that! Nobody would be daft enough to post all these otherwise - they are defo good gigglers, thank you!
Annie
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One day a woman who owned a pet duck awoke to find her beloved animal lying still upon the floor. Deeply concerned, she rushed him to the local veterinarian, who was known to be a grumpy and contrary man.
The vet asked her to put her duck upon the examination table and prodded the waterfowl a few times with a biro. Nothing happened. Turning to the woman, he announced,
“Madam, your duck is dead. That’s gonna be 20 euro.”
Well, she became very upset upon hearing this and cried, “Surely it can’t be true! Isn’t there something else you can try - he just can’t be dead! Can I have a second opinion?”
At that the vet gave a sharp whistle and a black labrador retriever bounded into the room.
The dog approached the table, sniffed the duck a few times and then retreated, backwards, to the corner where he lay down and put his paws over his head.
“Now do you believe me?” the vet said to her again, “Your duck is dead.”
“What was that?!” she cried, “You call that a proper examination? I demand you give him a proper examination!”
The vet then made a “whshhh! Whshhhh!” sound and a cat entered the room. He leaped onto the table with the duck and carefully walked all around it, peering at it intently from all angles. Then he leapt to the floor, retreated next to the labrador and lay down, also putting its paws over its head.
“Well!” said the vet, “I think we can safely conclude that your duck is, indeed, dead.”
“You’re insane,” replied the woman. “I’m taking my duck and going to another veterinarian. Now, how much do I owe you again?”
“One hundred and forty euro,” replied the vet. The woman was shocked.
“Just a minute ago you said it was just twenty euro!” she cried.
“Yes,” replied the vet, “but since then we’ve had a cat scan and a lab report.”
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sausageandcash! are you a stand up comic? had loads of giggles!!! I used to work in a small office with an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman....honest!!!!
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In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'? asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite sow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite pig, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite sow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.’
‘However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.’
‘Then the Garda came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'‘
'Now what the hell would you say?'
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Classic!
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;D more, I could do with a laugh ;D
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George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr. Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Bush".
Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr. Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."
Before George Bush could utter another word, the Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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I've just read page 3 and they're very funny too.
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My fav joke ever. (apart from the one about two tortoises in the garden,but ya have to be face to face for it to work) anyway.........
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman year
that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,� and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
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Written on an exam table I sat at:
"Dear God, 1/2 hour into exam, help, don't have a clue
Dear God 45 mins into exam, please help....
Dear Satan
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A drunk walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender, and says, "I wanna buy everyone in here a shot of whiskey - and include one for yourself, my good man."
The bartender pours shots for everyone, says, "hey, thanks, pal," and downs his shot. The drunk drinks his shot and says, "what do I owe ya?"
Bartender says, "that'll be 45 bucks."
The drunks says, "oh, gee, I don't have any money," so the bartender beats the crap out of him and kicks him out of the bar.
Next day, same bar, same bartender, same drunk - "I wanna buy everyone in here a shot of whiskey - and include one for yourself, my good man."
The bartender figures there's no way this guy can be stupid enough to try the same stunt two days in a row, so he pours the shots, drinks his and says, "okay so 45 bucks from yesterday, plus 52 for today, makes 97 bucks."
The drunk says, "oh, gee - I don't have any money," so the bartender beats the crap out of him and kicks him out again.
Next day, same bar, same bartender, same drunk - "I wanna buy everyone in here a shot of whiskey. But not one for you."
Bartender says, "How come no shot for me this time?"
Drunk says, "because you get violent when you drink."
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20 Old Age Benefits
It's true getting old has its benefits
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with the elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
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Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
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A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy anniversary Mum and Dad," rushed son number one. "Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift." "Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mum look great, Dad. I just flew in from Brisbane between court hearings and didn't have time to shop for you." "It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything." Again the father said, "I really don't care. At least the five of us are together today."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and said, "You mean we're bastards?" "Yes," said the father. "And cheap ones, too."
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Keep this up - it get's me through the day! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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;D good to have a giggle durring the day
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Ah, just the fuel I needed to keep posting ;D
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P.S Rosemary ask dan where's me bleedin' (very Irish ;D) badges!! lol
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A couple were invited to a swanky costume party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband that he should just go to the party without her.
He, being a devoted husband, insisted upon staying at home to take care of her, but she told him that she was going to take an aspirin and go to bed and that there was no need for him to jeopardise having a great night by staying at home.
So he eventually agreed, put on his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awoke without feeling any pain whatsoever. As it was still relatively early, she decided to go to the party after all. Her husband didn't know what costume she was going to wear, so she thought she would have some fun by watching the way he acted when she was not around. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, gallivanting around on the dance floor, dancing with every attractive girl he could whilst copping a little feel here, and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him, and being an attractive woman herself, he immediately left his partner high and dry and devoted all his attention to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After a few more drinks he whispered a little proposition into her ear and she agreed, so off they went to a nearby park and made passionate love.
after retunring to the party, she slipped away discreetly at 12:30 AM, drove home and put her costume away and jumped into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for this unacceptable behaviour. She was sitting up reading a book when he came in at 1:00 AM, so she asked what kind of a night he had.
"Ohhh, the same old stuff. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
She then asked, "So did you dance much?" He replied, "To be honest, I didn't dance at all because when I got there, I met up with Billy and a few boys, so we just went into the spare room and played poker all night"
"Well you must have looked pretty ridiculous wearing that costume all night while you were playing poker!" she said with unashamed anger.
Her husband replied, "Nah not at all, I gave my costume to your brother at the start of the night, apparently he had the time of his life."
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David Beckham arrives home one day to find Victoria all sweating, flushed and breathless..., He rushes over to her and asks if she is alright.
Posh stutters a reply "I'm - er, er.... I'm having a heart attack"
"Oh no" he cries in despair. "I'll call an ambulance" He runs downstairs and picks up the phone and begins dialling 999. However, he is stopped in his tracks by a tearful Brooklyn.
"What's the matter son?" asks Becks.
"Uncle Giggsy is in the wardrobe with no clothes on, daddy" sniffles Brooklyn. Infuriated by this, Beckham runs upstairs and kicks down the wardrobe door. Sure enough, the carpet-chested Welshman is stood there, starkers.
"You wanker Giggsy" screams Becks.
"My wife is right over there having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the s**t out of Brooklyn?"
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A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
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Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
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A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered,
"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man.
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's," replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Gordon Brown's clock?"
asked the man.
"Gordon Brown's clock is in Jesus' office...
He's using it as a ceiling fan!"
;D
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Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ... its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ... you're an insensitive bastard. If you make a decision without consulting her ... you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If SHE asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache ... she's tired. If you have a headache ... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't ... there must be someone else.
Why do men die first? Because they want to.
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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the
Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in
A little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides,
And a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.'That
Sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.'
Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer..
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's
Testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how
To run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
Collar, I think you could go faster.
' The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
Then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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lol ;D
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You shoudl be on the stage. I haven't laughed as much for ages.
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It was the end of the Gulf War. The Arabs stared over at the oil fields and watched them burning. Day and night the flames roared into the sky. The Arabs pondered on how they were going to put out the fires when one Arab suggested that they ring 'Red Adare'. Red Adare was contacted but informed the Arabs that he was busy for the next six months. Red Adare told the Arabs that they should ring his cousin Paddy O Dare from Co Mayo in Ireland.
The Arab got on the phone and contacted Paddy. The Arab explained the problem with the Oil Fields to Paddy and asked if he could help. Paddy Replied: "No Problem." The Arab asked him how quick he could get there and how much would it cost?. Paddy Replied: "I can be there in 10 Hours and it'll cost ya' $10,000. "Great"; said the Arab and hung up the phone.
The Arabs waited in the desert, still watching the flames shooting into the sky, when all of a sudden an open top truck with four Red haired Paddys comes roaring over the sand dunes and head straight into the oil field. The Arabs shouted to no avail, and the truck drove straight into one of the burning rigs. They jumped out, took off their denim jackets and proceeded to beat the fire out with them. The Arabs watched with amazement and two days later the oil rig fire was out. The four Paddys walked to the Arabs and one said...."Jazus..that was rough!"
The Arab, while writing the check for $10,000, said to Paddy; "And what are you going to buy with all this money?. "Paddy Replied: "Well, the first thing I going to buy a set of brakes for that fecking truck!"
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An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."