The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: Fleecewife on November 04, 2012, 12:00:30 pm
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With at least two of our members preparing for their weddings, I got to thinking about mine, over 40 years ago.
Back then we didn't do present lists, or at least I hadn't heard of the system, so any pressies which came were a surprise. I'm ashamed to say that I can't remember all of them, but some do stick in my mind.
The biggest was a bed - a divan so not to my taste and the children eventually managed to break it for me by bouncing on it :thumbsup: so I could justify a new bed.
Another was a duvet - now you might think that there's nothing exciting about a duvet, but back then they were barely obtainable in Britain, although common on the continent. I loved my duvet :love: and still love its successor.
Something I had so hoped for was a preserving pan and my dear neighbour gave me one. On our honeymoon I found a huge wooden spoon (at Tintagel ??? ) - I wonder if that's the weirdest thing bought on honeymoon ;D Eventually when we got a ceramic hob the original pan had to be replaced with a stainless steel flat bottomed one, but the original pan saw me through many happy years of jam making.
I remember a canteen of cutlery, now long gone, and a huge pile of household linen - which my MiL assured me was not in fact too much as it would see me through the lean early years and she was right.
The most awful thing was a coloured brandy glass with a ceramic siamese cat climbing out of it - we 'accidentally' left that one behind in our first move :innocent:
Do I still have anything of those original presents? Well yes, rather surprisingly two beautiful blankets made of thick fluffy wool have survived down the years and still provide an extra layer of warmth over the duvet in the depths of winter.
What were your most memorable and useful wedding presents, and what would you advise our brides-to-be to put on their wedding lists?
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we asked for nothing ...
and had some lovely gifts of wine, food, roses & plants, money (which paid for a new bed) some bed linen (my uncle considered money too vulgar!!)
and the presence of our wonderful friends and family at our reception ... which was all we wanted.
(7 years last week ago)
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My first wedding was in 1972 and I don't remember such a thing as wedding lists back then either.
A relative in Australia sent some little mats for drinks and cake forks, both of which I still have and use most days (obviously eating too much cake)
My brother bought me a set of enamel saucepans in red and then there was the obligatory toaster and set of glasses, all of which have long since bitten the dust.
We didn't have a duvet because as Fleecewife has said they wern't around in those days. I can remember them being so new here that there was a game on the Generation Game of put the cover on the duvet. ;D
Sally
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30 years next summer. In those days wedding present lists were a notebook with one gift to a page so the giver could tear out their chosen gift, nothing like the posh department store lists of today. Our most memorable gift for me, and not on the list, was from my younger brother. A 'peacock' chair which, because he could barely afford it, meant all the more to us. 18 months after we married we lost my little brother to his 3 year battle with cancer so the chair is with us for life. We have photos of him in it as well as photos of me feeding our girls as babies, our Dad on his 75th birthday, my pregnant SIL, our firstborn in daddy's inexperienced arms on the day we brought her home from hospital, my OH's rather large grandmother spilling out of it, cats curled up on it's various cushions and many more memories. My late Dad's gift of a meaningful gentle squeeze of my hand at the church door is forever etched on my heart. My Mum's gift which was caught on video so I didn't see until afterwards, was a tear in her eye as I said my vows. As she never, ever outwardly shows emotion this, for me, was a huge realisation of how much she loves me. These parental gifts reassured me of the support I had as I ventured into married life. Priceless. :love:
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What a lovely post luckylady.
I might be controversial in saying this, but I don't like wedding lists. It feels like you are asking or demanding presents, which to me isn't the point.
We still have my mother's ironing board, a wedding present from 1965. Still use it too!
My cousin gives everyone in her family who gets married, a real sheepskin rug. She and her husband farm in New Zealand, and it is usually one of their own sheep they use. She got caught with my sister, and didn't have any herself, and so had to buy one! She was horrified at how much it cost!
Beth
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Do I still have anything of those original presents? Well yes, rather surprisingly two beautiful blankets made of thick fluffy wool have survived down the years and still provide an extra layer of warmth over the duvet in the depths of winter.
What were your most memorable and useful wedding presents, and what would you advise our brides-to-be to put on their wedding lists?
They gave you a lifetime of warmth then FW - a thoughtful gift indeed.
If they have to have a list I would advise brides-to-be to keep the contents practical, affordable (guests can always buy more than one item from the list if they want to spend more) and necessary. Avoid expensive luxuries and if bride/groom don't actually need anything but guests feel they want to give then suggest they make a small donation to a nominated charity or plant a tree.
What a lovely post luckylady.
I might be controversial in saying this, but I don't like wedding lists. It feels like you are asking or demanding presents, which to me isn't the point.
Beth
Thank you Beth. I don't think you are being controversial, I couldn't agree more. We found it very difficult to write a list 30 years ago because it went against the grain to ask. Both a niece and a nephew have married in recent years and had one of these department store lists. When I logged in to it I was really shocked at what they, in my opinion, had the cheek to ask people to spend on them. I felt obliged to spend more than I would have liked.
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[warning : cynical divorcee about to pronounce... ]
Wedding gifts were meant to equip the newlyweds for their early married life, as money would have been very tight. Women would have been squirrelling items away into their 'bottom drawer' from their early teens. Gifts would have been very practical - towels, bedlinen, saucepans - and very much appreciated.
These days I think we mostly don't need such gifts. For the most part, two people beginning a married life together these days are either already cohabiting or are coming together from two seperate independent households - they probably already have far more than they need.
When I see wedding lists choosing highly expensive kudos items, I am revolted. Luckily, anyone sending out such a list is unlikely to be the sort of person I would be bothered to lose from my Christmas card list. :-J
In recent years I have been asked for and been delighted to contribute:
- towards the costs of the honeymoon
- to one of the bride and groom's favourite charities
but mostly it is made plain to me that it is my company at the celebration that the bride and groom will appreciate the most. :thumbsup: I generally try to contribute something in recognition of the costs of providing my place at the wedding breakfast table, at the least.
The time that modern couples do need help with those basic items is when they get divorced! It's true! At that time, one household is turning into two, both need all the basics - towels, bedlinen, saucepans, kettles - and finances if not tight are usually a bit tied up until the divvying up has been agreed.
So these days I think it's the married person who needs the bottom drawer!
All of which said, despite doing the, "Please just attend and help us celebrate, if you really want to do something these are our favourite charities," thing at my own wedding, we did get given some gifts. Money is always useful, and such as we got we used to buy really good casserole dishes and kitchen knives, most of which are still in use (at least, my share are, I can't comment on whether he was allowed to carry on using his! :-J)
And the other thing you simply can't have too many of are really nice towels. :)
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As I married in 1971 first time round no list but I still have the S.W.R.I.Jubilee Cookery Book and use it often. I received the normal things for that time. My Gran bought me my wedding cake and my father gave us our first HI-FI with records. We bought our first washing machine with money friends gave us. A 2nd hand twin tub which cost £30 and did me for years. Asking for expensive present now a days is a cheek. Lots of people are hard up. Things like a tree which I have given in the past is a life time gift. Some now ask for guest to pay for the honeymoon. :o
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One of the ones getting married here.
We've been to a few weddings in the last few years and they have ranged from no mention, donate to charity, throw some money in an envelope to an eyebrow raising John Lewis gift list.
Looking to our own wedding we weren't sure what to do. We've been living together around 7 years now so have most of what we need (a large chunk of which was donated by family/freecycle when we set up home). We decided to have a list, though have asked a lot of friends to donate some homebrew to the wedding if they want to give something (wedding in a forest without a bar). We live quite a distance from most guests so them coming will be more than enough of a gift, but there is a list for those who want. We do need some bits for the kitchen and house as things have gotten worn through and broken over the years.
The problem that I am having now is that I'd much rather have a dinner set from Tesco than a £10 per saucer set from some fancy place, we're not flashy people by far. The OH isn't sure how people would feel about that as some people like to splash out on presents. I'd be quite happy to put things like a pair of winter boots, some new wellies, a better watering can etc useful things. Ah well many months to plan.
Dans
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30 years next summer. In those days wedding present lists were a notebook with one gift to a page so the giver could tear out their chosen gift, nothing like the posh department store lists of today.
I remember that - in the late 70s in London, and I gave a garden shovel to friends who got married! I was somewhat "green" already then.
Since I myself never married, here's a few presents I gave which were probably thought unusual at the time:
The very first one - a pair of hand-crocheted potholders; the recipient was my eldest brother, and I was 7 or 8 at the time. I hope they managed to use them, because back then my crocheting was extremely tight - my earliest potholders all came out stiff as boards! For future weddings I also gave potholders - didn't want my other brother to feel left out, although by then I was 30 or so...
I've not been to many weddings. One that stood out, though, was a couple who met in Australia; the woman and I were on an international agricultural exchange - she was from Denmark and married an Aussie. He worked with camels (amongst other things); they got married in Denmark, the church service was half Danish, half English, and the pastor found several biblical references involving camels! I gave them a Swiss Army knife each; knowing that they could make good use of them, and that they were small enough to go in the luggage when they returned to Australia.
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We asked for no presents as we'd been living together and had indeed produced Milli by then (she's 11 today and we got married a few months after her birth in the March). We were given a huge rolling pin by one of OH's friends - we still use it now - to stir vats of plum wine!
I also remember being given a spice tin with all different Indian spices and some lovely photo frames :)
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One of the ones getting married here.
We've been to a few weddings in the last few years and they have ranged from no mention, donate to charity, throw some money in an envelope to an eyebrow raising John Lewis gift list.
Looking to our own wedding we weren't sure what to do. We've been living together around 7 years now so have most of what we need (a large chunk of which was donated by family/freecycle when we set up home). We decided to have a list, though have asked a lot of friends to donate some homebrew to the wedding if they want to give something (wedding in a forest without a bar). We live quite a distance from most guests so them coming will be more than enough of a gift, but there is a list for those who want. We do need some bits for the kitchen and house as things have gotten worn through and broken over the years.
The problem that I am having now is that I'd much rather have a dinner set from Tesco than a £10 per saucer set from some fancy place, we're not flashy people by far. The OH isn't sure how people would feel about that as some people like to splash out on presents. I'd be quite happy to put things like a pair of winter boots, some new wellies, a better watering can etc useful things. Ah well many months to plan.
Dans
Could you ask for vouchers from a couple of stores, perhaps one a DIY place or garden centre, then some for Tesco or M&S? That way, you can wait for the sales to get the most of from your vouchers, and your guests wont have to scratch their heads wondering what to buy you. We had a good few vouchers given and we had great fun spending them.
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We got married on the day of the Brixton Riot in 1981. Neither we nor the parents had any money so there were no cars but fortunately someone rich was getting hitched after us and the church was full of flowers. We dispensed with stag/hen nights which were less popular anyway then. My mother got really snotty and insisted on a church wedding - so we got the curate to officiate in one of the minor churches in the parish.
I travelled to the church with the bride and left with my mother-in-law while BH left with her best friend. The reception was at home with our parents doing the catering.
Our presents were all practical stuff. We still have the white plastic kitchen clock, the Brabantia bin and the Royal Doulton which half a dozen people bought for us. I think everything else has gone
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The problem that I am having now is that I'd much rather have a dinner set from Tesco than a £10 per saucer set from some fancy place, we're not flashy people by far. The OH isn't sure how people would feel about that as some people like to splash out on presents. I'd be quite happy to put things like a pair of winter boots, some new wellies, a better watering can etc useful things. Ah well many months to plan.
Congratulations Dans! If I were a guest at your wedding and received a gift list like yours then you would be given your Tesco dinner set and a barrow load of respect with it.
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The problem that I am having now is that I'd much rather have a dinner set from Tesco than a £10 per saucer set from some fancy place, we're not flashy people by far. The OH isn't sure how people would feel about that as some people like to splash out on presents. I'd be quite happy to put things like a pair of winter boots, some new wellies, a better watering can etc useful things. Ah well many months to plan.
Congratulations Dans! If I were a guest at your wedding and received a gift list like yours then you would be given your Tesco dinner set and a barrow load of respect with it.
I second all that :thumbsup:
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We had a lot of lovely gifts, most of which were things for the wedding (only had 50 people), a close friend bought my flowers (has a contact a Covent garden Market)- and another friend arranged them. A friends brother who has a very nice car drove me and my dad. My family laid on a beautiful reception at my parents cottage. Other friends who wanted to give something gave money to cancer reserch ( my mum was terminally ill at the time).
I loved that so many people helped us out, it meant that we had thi gs for our wedding we would not have chosen, but were just perfect as our friends know us so well!
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We had both come out of divorces so didn't have a lot but we didn't want to be greedy so we set up a list at Argos s people could look through the catalogue and choose something they could afford. We had things costing from £5 upwards.
When I first got married, I desperately wanted a canteen of cutlery but my mum thought they were a waste of money as you paid so much for the actual box. So she told people to get loose cutlery. Years later my son bought me a canteen of cutlery which I love.
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I got married just over 4 years ago. We don't have much money so many of our friends and family contributed to the wedding in diffferent ways - the flowers came from one neighbours garden, another (professional hairdresser) neighbour did my hair and makeup, another who worked at a sporting estate gave us a large bag of game for the reception. The church was free as I was an elder at the time, as was the accomodation for the reception because we went to friends of ours who own a small inn in the Highlands where we regularly go for ceilidhs and charity musical evenings. Another good friend provide several bottles of champagne for the toast. It made the day so special. We managed to do the whoel thing for around £1000, and that's because I wanted to splash out on rings (£450, nearly half the total!).
We didn't ask for any gifts, but many people did give us something. One that we still regularly use is a breadmaker (so much cheaper than buying bread), but most of all the memories of the day will be with us forever. Just goes to show you don't have to spend a lot - it really was the happiest day of my life.
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Hubby and I got married in July this year, both of us have been married before, so we said no gifts please just come and enjoy the day with us.
Poeple were so lovely and bought us gifts anyway i think it is just traditional that a gift is given. We found mostly we had picture frames given to us for photos and these have been really useful, i don't think you can ever have enough pictures around the house.
One friend bought us a sheep money box for all our change! priceless!!
I really enjoyed my second wedding it was so low key with everyone just enjoying the day rather than the big white wedding. ;D
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We got married last year and because we already had most things that we needed, we thought to ask people to just bring themselves (my half of family had to come all the way to Edinburgh from Italy), and if they really wanted to give us something, to help us with honeymoon moneys - we went to Madeira for two weeks ;D
The things we would have liked, were as I said, stuff we would have liked but not most necessary (I had been squirreling away towels and tea cloths and bed linen long before I met my actual husband!).
It was most welcome to see that some people still gave us beautiful things like a La Creuset pot, a big ceramic mixing bowl that we use literally every day, the most awaited for canteen of cutlery from Granny (this one arrived in 4 months before the wedding!!!) and best of all (FW will like this ;)) a magnificently warm goose down duvet from the Italian Alps. My mum spent a fortune on it and I'm ever more grateful because I know she's not loaded.
Then the MIL and partner gave us a fat checque to pay for wedding expenses (we bough all the wine with it!) and she cooked food for the WHOLE wedding reception - a good 80 people. She's been fab. To this day my dad is still in awe of her and feels guilty that he should have paid for the wedding himself (we paid most of it ourselves though).
Also another good friend of us offered to advance the money for the decorations and when I wanted to pay her back, she never wanted anything! On top of the present she already got for us.
So overall, really you don't need a wedding list and I think I'm happier we got totally random surprises!
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When Sandy and i got engaged in 1965, my Mum and Dad gave us an engagement present of an ottoman - as my 'bottom drawer' We used to buy groceries that had tokens so that we could get the 'gifts' they offered - my Mum saved K Corn Flakes tokens and gave me a set of initialled silver plated fish forks and knives which I still have, In those days (1968 we got married, a long engagement as we were both studying ::)) wedding gifts were of much less value than now - tea towels, sheets, pillowcases, tea plates, we had two friends give us coffee sets - then they went out of fashion. :eyelashes: The biggest gift was from my parents - a second hand washing machine (because my cousin's husband refurbished them!), as well as paying for the wedding for 80 guests in a posh Aberdeen Hotel, as they did my sister's. I've often wondered how they did it on a postie's wages! One of my treasured possessions is a crystal vase - from one of Sandy's Mum's friends, it is beautiful and I believe it may have been her own as she was a widow and hadn't much money. There was none of these huge expensive lists, and we were so honoured to be able to use rooms in my Grandma's home for the first few months till we got a place of our own.
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We had lived together for years before getting married and had also inherited all of my 'father-in-law's stuff a few years before so we said if people wanted to do something, to put money into an account with a piano shop. When we got back from the honeymoon we went and chose a little piano which is next to me now. My wife plays it and hopefully as the kids get a bit bigger they can learn too - definitely something that will last a lifetime and that we could never have afforded for ourselves.
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Very interested in this thread (maybe cos I'm one of the 2 getting married!) ............. as our wedding will be just after we aquire our small holding (if the solicitors get their act together!) we have thoughts of having a 'send a cow to Wales' fund.
It is so difficult to get this right ..... we are happy just to have evryone there on the day and receive nothing but really dont want to be given a collection of 'lovely things' ..... having spent the last 2 months getting rid of 'stuff' so we will fit our two houses into the small house on our smallholding. We already have 2 of everything except toaster (mine blew up a few weeks ago). Any suggestions as to how to direct anyone who wishes to give us something, to our cow fund without sounding as if we are asking for presents?
Linda
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Linda, I would just put in a note saying exactly what you just said. Your true friends will do as you wish and either just help you enjoy the day, and/or make a contribution to the House Cows Fund. ;D
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Hi Linda - you are number three :thumbsup: (that I know of....)
I think most people will be delighted to contribute to something as different as the Cow Fund - it will give them plenty to talk about 8) :cow: Then you can give them updates as the months pass. It will give them a tiny toehold in your smallholding life - much more interesting than giving another casserole dish :D
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Linda, I would just put in a note saying exactly what you just said. Your true friends will do as you wish and either just help you enjoy the day, and/or make a contribution to the House Cows Fund. ;D
What Sally said. :thumbsup:
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Our best wedding gift was a complete set of OS landranger maps of Scotland, bought in ones and two's by our friends in the Conservation group where we met originally. At the time we were keen hill walkers and wild campers (still are but such activities are currently suspended due to goats, other livestock and the human children... :-J ).
But I use the maps regularly (no way I will ever have a tomtom or such like), and whenever we go anywhere in England the first thing we will buy is an OS map!
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I'm quite uncomfortable with the thought of writing a list of wedding gifts! Tim and I don't really need anything and wouldn't want people spending money on our whims (for example, a dehydrator or ice cream machine that'll get used once!). Nice bedlinen would see us straight though, especially for future foster children!
A cow fund is a great idea...maybe we should have a chicken or sheep one!
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Linda,
I like the idea of the cow fund too. When you send the invites you could say that you just want the pleasure of their company to share your day but if they still feel they want to give something then a contribution to the cow fund would be gratefully received.
Sally
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I agree with what has been said. Make it plain that it's their company that matters and add 'a but if anyone really wants to give us anything, what we would really like is...'
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For our wedding we told everyone we didn't expect a gift but if they wanted to buy us a gift get something that would remind us of them. We had some lovely things; a painting by my brothers girlfriend, mugs with pics of friends at the wedding a handmade chopping board with the wedding date carved on it and from my cousin a bottle of his favourite aftershave.
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I haven't been to many weddings recently (all my cousins/siblings got married a few years ago as I am 10 years younger than the next nearest in age), but I did go to one two years ago, where the invite said, we only want the pleasure of your company. But- if you do want to give something, there is a small wedding list- email the groom's father in order to get it. Obviously the email address was included.
I thought that wasn't a bad compromise, people who were un imaginative, and wanted to pick from a list could, but the list wasn't thrown in your face. It also involved the effort of contacting a 3rd party to get the information.
I do like the idea of a cow fund :excited:
Beth
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i got married 12 years ago on a budget of nothing,
we were setting up home for the first time so needed loads of stuff and people were very kind to us...
we didn't have a list as such but my mum co-ordinated with people to make sure we didn't get 47 toasters,
the only duplicate from our not list was 2 woks, and hey i used them both for 10 yeards before finally wearing them out!!!
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Our next door neighbour gave us a kitten ......turned out a very useful ratter.
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Our next door neighbour gave us a kitten ......turned out a very useful ratter.
That's original, Tiz.
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My first wedding was in 1972, we had fitted carpet a fridge from the in laws and a double bed and kitchen table and chairs from my parents, we did not have a list and got loads of glasses, pots, blankets (pre duvet one from the local road sweeper and I still have it, in fact thats the only thing I do have!! It was great unpacking stuff afer our honey moon, then this time :innocent: , the gift of my family all around!!!
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Well idea of cow circulated ... seems to have been well received :fc: .... what fun :excited: a reason to start with a cow if we ever get through this property selling/buying business!! (think local searches are for Father Christmas and the tooth fairy!!) . At current speed we will be moving on wedding day!!
Linda
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We never got married, but we've been together for 20 years next month, so no pressies ever.
Often I've said at Christmas it would be nice to have some 'best' stuff rather than the same old same old, but then I forget about it after a couple of glasses of mulled wine. Think I am going to buy some nice Egyptian cotton sheets in the sales though, at the end of a shattering day I love my bed.
People still say to me 'you should get married', at 50 with 2 kids, what on earth for? I like my make do and mend.
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Goosepimple
A friend of mine said exactly the same thing till they went to make wills to find the only way to ensure their other half inherited (and thus the house was secured) was to get married..... this they promptly did.
Possibly something to check out?
Linda
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It all goes to our kids and they still like us (but they're not teenagers yet) ::)
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We were together for 18 years before we married, 2 years ago around Christmas....as my husband is 21 years younger we did not want to get to the situation of saying boyfriend, girlfriend, partner etc etc, and if one went into hospital it was a worry that they would not contact the other as next of kin, and for legal reasons, I know they probaly would but it certainly made us feel more a couple and we so love being married.....it sort of completes our love :love:
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My son and daughter in law asked for donations to RNLI as wedding gifts.
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Goosepimple
A friend of mine said exactly the same thing till they went to make wills to find the only way to ensure their other half inherited (and thus the house was secured) was to get married..... this they promptly did.
Possibly something to check out?
Linda
Not true - certainly not in Scotland at any rate. Ensure your deeds have a 'survivor' clause in them. Ours did and our house was immediately mine the second John died - I didn't know it was there until his brother tried to take it from me as executor ad sell it so he could have his half. My lawyer stopped him right in his tracks! ::)
Just found a link with this information - Joint ownership with a survivorship clause/destination. Here, you split the ownership of the property 50:50 with your husband or partner. If you include a legal clause on the title deeds called a ‘survivorship clause’ or a ‘survivorship destination’, you also agree that your share of the property will pass to your partner or husband when you die. This overrides any will you might make and means that intestacy rules don’t apply. It’s similar to the joint tenants system of ownership in England and Wales.
http://www.savvywoman.co.uk/c4-pages/c4s2.php?art_id=46 (http://www.savvywoman.co.uk/c4-pages/c4s2.php?art_id=46)
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In my friends case her partner (now husband) has a daughter from his first marriage who, they were told by the solicitor when they went to make will, would have right to his estate over and above my friend.
Linda
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Well that information is fact and is certainly what happened to us, and I had two children, so if I had died first our property would have gone straight into John's ownership without being taken into my estate at all. Had I realised that prior to John's death I would have had that survivorship clause removed from our deeds if possible.
Perhaps your friend should check again, Linda? Although if they are now married that will have changed things.
Annie
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The thread is in tangent, you'll all be on divorce next - it was about wedding gifts everybody!!!!
Check out the Oxfam thread in Coffee Lounge if you're making a wedding list, please.
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I'm not married. We met 20+ yrs ago while I was at school. 2 kids later and still much in common.
My parents bought our cooker and oven. My ' other' parents bought prestige pans with a lifetime guarantee ( yes we still them :thumbsup: ) and both lots of parents helped us no end to make a two pinned delapitated house into a home. they gave us gifts to move in together and much more help and advice that presents could not give. Basicne residues mean so much more :love: