The Accidental Smallholder Forum
Community => Coffee Lounge => Topic started by: Sandy on June 21, 2011, 08:55:06 am
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Hi all, I/we have been soooooo misarable just lately as we have been keeping quiet about Fostering, its a long long process as I did it before so I know what we are in for in all ways....so, we were getting excited and had our first part of the asessment, they looked around our house and said, they thought it was too big for children!!!! I had very little to say at the time as I was in shell shocked and became very very down and so did my hubby. They are going to do a health & safety inspection to see what we can do but I keep thinking and thinking that they are being far too cautiouse.
Anyone who has been to this house will know it is large but any children that visit love it and we would have a bedroom next to any child that is in our care and the bedrooms we would give them are above our living room and we can hear people walking around in those rooms, also we would give the child/children an intercome to contact us if they are frightened......Don't understand it at all as I had three children that played where I was or vica versa and we are happy to have teenagers who spend most of thier time with friends or on the computer, we would welcome friends here and we have so many large rooms for a fittness studio or games room etc...gutted so 1 sorry for being grumpy and 2 any suggestions.
P.S selling the house is silly as we would end up with just smaller fuel bills, less room and lonely!! And I have been keeping this under my hat as I know we could still fail the test but we are shocked to fall at the first herdle!!
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I would have thought a small house would have been more an issue, but there you go!! It sounds ideal to me .....an older teenage could even have a sitting room to entertain their friends by the sounds of it!! Don't think you are beaten, yet!! I am sure the assessment will come up with something to solve your big house problem. I believe they really need foster homes, so surely they will try and sort things for you?
Also you have done this before? So, thats a positive thing as well.
I know you desperately want to bring in some money, and the bed and breakfast did not seem to work. But, how about letting rooms full time? Students, people who maybe work away from work during the week? OK, you may have to let them share your kitchen .....but just a thought. I know a man who has had to give his job up and return home, as he said prices for accommodation where he was working were too high. He just wanted a comfortable room during the week - that maybe is the way forward.
Maybe get a group of young professionals in on a house share? Income would help!!
Of course, this is if the fostering does not come off - but fingers crossed for you!!
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Strangley thats what we do with the B&B, we do well for workmen, we have been full for a while, our problem is my Hub as no steady wage, he is doing odd bits and bobs, we can run this house on one decent income, by the way, I did work and am going back to work but it often clashes with people comming and going as if some one shuts our big front door we only have one HUGE key, usualy that only happens occasionaly but if any of our men are wanting to return here and the big door is locked they may go somewhere else, we often loose that sort of trade as many neighbours let the odd room for contractors, they also often have other houses that they let out too and people do not know that as its kept quiet,loads doing it here!!! We lost a lot durring that bad weather and also my Husband could not get to work either so no income for a while. We are just about catching up but we would love to Foster as I mainly enjoyed it before but I was living on my own and when children moved on I again had no income so I joined an agency with the intention to return to Fostering when my situation was better. Not much money in B&B as any money we get should go back into the house, repairs, decorating and bills, after everything, we only do it so I can be at home in a semi retired job and I do love it...otherwise I would not be on here in my dressing gown with a coffee!!!
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I do odd bits of youth work, care work and baby sitting if you need anyone..I'm available ;)
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I think the recession has hit people hard. They cannot afford holidays as they used to - but I do think more are turning to camping and caravanning, as there seems a lot more caravans and tents nowadays on our local campsites. But site fees are not cheap, so not sure if its much cheaper than B & B when you take into account the fuel used for towing a caravan!!
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I have just been on the phone to my daughter and the recession is certainly hitting hard, there is bond to be more crime but funny enough, I just got an interview for a job related to crime (not my crime but others) only PT but its a few pennies!!!
We had our house values and I was not too shocked at how much its gone down as it was not bad at all, this house is very cheap and very big and would make an ideal family home and thats why I want to stay...a good friend...some years ago....let out that her and her boyfriend organise "orgies" :-[ :-[ :-[ loads of money and loads of interest inthem but we are too shy and dare not do that....bit like that film " Eyes wide shut"
Hope your farm sale is going your way, my ex came from farming stock and his twin brother collects tractors etc, the times are very hard and very sad, only the rich, tough or crooks survie and come out smelling or roses!!
Off to make the beds as I am being a lazy slob!! cheers Roxy!!!!! :bouquet:
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Hi Sandy,
Just read your post. Our neighbour, who moved just before Christmas, fostered children in a big farmhouse - size was never an issue. How sad for you. These things often seem to depend on the individual rather than policies.
I am looking for help with the kids on a couple of occasions coming up, I'm near Dunfermline. If you're interested email me at [email protected] and I'll give you the dates!
Chin up,
Vikki
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I can't believe you were scuppered because the house was too big. It's a fabulous family home - kids would love it, I'm sure. With so many kids in rubbish homes, they should be killing to get you and Steve (and the dogs) on their books.
Was that the Council? What about the private fostering agencies? I think it would be great to give some kids a second chance and a bit of tlc. All power to your elbow :)
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Thats the reason we have been realy down, we get a lot of children here and they all love it, this was private and I rang back on monday to see if we could do anything to help and they are on AL, we are suppose to get a safey check, they said young children have a long way to come downstairs in the night if they are worried!!! I thought we would have over 11 year olds anyway and they would love the space.
I can see dogs may be a problem but we can pen them off or put them in the top part of the garden, they have not mentioned our dogs just yet but thats the next thing.
I had children and used to foster too and most of the time the children under 11 are playing around where you are, ie, if cooking they are either helping, doing craft stuff or home work or watching TV, we would have a bedroom near to them as I can see that some children might think we are a long way off but teenagers would love the space and most teenagers are either out with friends or on Playstation etc and we intend to put that sort of stuff in our dinning room and clear the garage for a table tennis table and fill in the pond for veg and add a swing and clear the shed for them!!!! I am shell shocked too but worse as they are not around to ask "whats next"
I fostered in a tiny terraced house and it was fine but I always said if I had had a bigger house it would be great, the teenagers could certainly blast out thier music, thats if they could hear it over my Prodigy!!!!
I wonder if anyone on here is used to doing asessments? I did child care ones and parenting ones so have a bit of inside knowledge.....strange thing as this house only has 4-5 bedrooms anyway!!!
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if that was their reason go over the social workers head and speak to their manager. Is it possible that they were trying to let you down kindly. Did they think you were under stress from lack of work and everything else.
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The manager was VERY keen on us, we both have child care qualifications and not stress heads, I have years of ex in Social care etc and my hubby worked on the streets with homeless, asylum seekers and youth work. I fostered for 6 years but gave up due to lack of regular income, I then lived on my own and the last placement went back to his parents.
THe manager actualy looked angry at the women who does the asessment and kept saying to her "they know what they are doing they want to foster and have done it before" but I think the asessor was fixed that we wanted young children and thats not the case at all, I am happy to have any age child and used to have very difficult teenagers in the past, so, they have not even started the asessment process yet, the manager came initialy and was raving about the house and what we could do etc, even thinking about being a central location for meeting up!!!!! We both did not ask too much but we will see, we may be only not suitable for small children, thats fine as being a youth worker, teenagers are my speciality..I can do teenage!!!
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Don't fret about the assesment, it's the pannel that is the big one. Bigger house simply means that you can have more than one kid. the independant agencies pay more than local authorities. dont forget to lock your telephone with a code for outgoing calls as we had one boy creeping down in the early hours dialing sex lines and he ran up a £700 phone bill in 1 week. If they think your only doing it for the money they won't go ahead.
Good luck.
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I was lucky in the past, mobiles were not as common as now, I know friends whos children have ran up huge bills too, we will do what we can to control that sort of thing IF we get passed, I have been through the panel and it was fine at that time and I was the first to be paid to have very difficult to place young people.....I had the lot...smearing...stealing...cruelty......weeing.....over eating raw food!!.......stalking.......hiding...running away!!!! I could write a book but still basicly enjoyed it, I also worked in youth work at the time and the young people enjoyed comming with me to the local club and meeting people, I did some film work as well that was good. Not got the contacks at the mo!!!!
You still doing it ????
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No, we are not doing it anymore. We had VERY difficult children, too. The byfriend of one burned our barn down which resulted in our rent agreement not being renewed. The last two boys where then just to much, one rapist (his mother) and one child malester and didn't even mind what species he was maelsting. Saying that what really did it for me was not the kids but the lack of support and the whole package that came with the kid. One boy had twice a week contact with birth mother and it took all the time in betwen to undo the damage every week. One week was just to much and I had an argument with birth mother. Oh boy, the social worker, our social worker etc nearly killed me. Long story but in the end we just had enough. However, the very worst experience was when one of the girls placed in our care, finally wanted to report her stepdad for sexual malesting her and her sibblings. We were really excited that the b.......d was going to get done at last. We took her to the police station all ready to give a statement, only to be told that the child protection squad could not give us an appointment for three weeks. By that time she has gone of the boil. Finally she run away twice, straight back to the molestor and finally was placed in his neighbourhood.We did not make any money as all went on the kids or repairing the damage they did. Do not want to disillusion you, but you obviously had some difficult once yourself.
Just want to add that we had a very big house at the time and that was never a problem.
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Interesting what you say about contact, my parents long-term fostered a family of 5 and that's what they said about contact, it took all their time to re-settle the kids afterwards :P
Sandy, the panel is sensible real-life people not dizzy, no-experience of families young social workers. They're so desperate for foster carers, especially for older kids, there's no way they're gonna turn you down cos of a large house ::)
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your very brave willing to take teenagers we have 4 of them. my sister in law has adopted 2 and the brother in law is nearly there for adopting 1. your very brave for wanting to do it. A friend had to foster two lads whos mum could not cope they had to go via a private agency brcause the council kept messing them about.
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Wow, I got off lightly then, although I had 2 girls that were pyro ?/set fire to things and were a pair of little devas, fotunatley I only had them for the night as thier Foster carer took them back, then they went into the papers for climbing on the roof of Social Services and threatening to jump!! A couple or rapeist too, one came from a farming back ground and was good as gold with me apart from nicking my hubbys fags..one thing I remember was not leaving your personal stuff around otherwise it disapeared. I had a few abused children and I know at least 2 of them went back to thier abusers, one went on to have a baby that also went into care, not sure if shes had any more but she also had mental health issues and was very scary but in a strange way, I liked her and had some fun with her........I am now remembering all the silly things that I disagreed with but had no leg to stand on, one 13 year old girl into prostitution and cocaine, had only just been taken into care and was initialy put into a community home for 2 weeks so they wanted her out ASAP, she came to me, nice as pie, very intellegent, then, wanted more and more money and ran off back with her mates all and every weekend, she also had her boyfriend visit that I was later told was an Evil Barsteward, he was older and I did not want to agree to any of it but I was told it was her right to have her boyfriend of all of 6 days visit...remember she was 13....the last time she was with me she ran off and started cutting herself with a friend and ended up in A&E, only superficial cuts, she said I had pinned her to the bed and threatened her (said this in another thread)I was shocked she would say that when I was with the rest of the home staff all the time I was with her, when I turned up at midnight to the secure unit where she had run to, the room was full of staff and other young people so nothing was investigated as the girl was also under some influence but she rang me and I asked why she said that and she replied she did not know, so I agreed that she must be unhappy with me and she went back into the community home for a few days and ended up in a secure unit due to loads of stuff but sadly, that same older boyfriend raped her and messed her up, I am sure I saw her in Glasgow when we first moved, her dad was from there and he was imprison for murder!!!!!!! I am having second thoughts already as I could also go on and on and on...BUT...still enjoyed it !!!!!! ;D ;D
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Strangley thats what we do with the B&B, we do well for workmen, we have been full for a while, our problem is my Hub as no steady wage, he is doing odd bits and bobs, we can run this house on one decent income, by the way, I did work and am going back to work but it often clashes with people comming and going as if some one shuts our big front door we only have one HUGE key, usualy that only happens occasionaly but if any of our men are wanting to return here and the big door is locked they may go somewhere else, we often loose that sort of trade as many neighbours let the odd room for contractors, they also often have other houses that they let out too and people do not know that as its kept quiet,loads doing it here!!!
Sandy, I know absolutely nothing about any of this, but have wondered, reading all, whether the problem the social worker saw was not the size of the house per se, but that there could be any number of workmen staying there at any time - and maybe some social workers would be worried about an inability to vet or even know who was going to be near the children?
Sorry if that's a stupid thing to say, maybe lots of foster parents do B&B, but it seems we all think there must be some reason other than the size of the house.
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Mummmm? I would not be able to run the B&B and Foster, all that stay in the house would have to be vetted anyway, that includes family and friends, like I say, done it before. The social worker said we would not hear or be able to monitor children as the house is also fairly sound proff ( we were packed full last night and it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop) She said any frightened child would have to walk a distance if they were in bed and we were watching TV downstairs, but thats stupid as we can hear people walk around above us and we would move our bedroom to one near to thiers and we would also have a monitor in thier room for them to contact us if needed...eg, thier bedroom would be abover our living room and we would sleep in a room next to them! As I said, the manager wants us to go ahead, the house suitablitiy usualy comes at a later stage but they brought that in first to highlight and to save time that little children would not be able to be monitered 24/7. Now most children would either be watching TV in the room with us or next to the kitchen, or doing an activity such as home work, arty stuff etc, playing on the gameing computer etc and as there would be two of us, we could certainly keep an eye on them!! THe teenagers I looked after were either at School, youth club, watching tv with me, cooking with me or eating, sitting in thier room listening to music or out with thier friends!!! The first time I fostered they were conserned that my small house was too nice, and that I would not like children messing it up, that was not the case at all...they may think the same in this house as its set out for B&B and not for children just now! The asessor was also not listening to us as she kept on about "young children" and kept saying we would have teenagers, she also saw we sleep downstairs and kept going on about that and I said, we would use one of the upstairs rooms next to any child!!!!! Not sure when the next stage happens as they are all on Leave at the moment.
PS, if there were another reason they would tell us I am positive as I have met others that have been refused and the social worker that came to make the asessement said, "so you are thinking about moving?" Any move in this economic climate would take a long while but they also seemed to think we could just move out of this house and into another, just like that!!!!!!! We did have a valuation and it was fine but we would never get such an ideal house and situation and would loose money in the sale and not be able to get another morgage as my husband is not in full time employment although he is this week!!!
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I gave up fostering as it upset my own children too much. We only had 3 bedrooms and many a time children arrived late at night to end up sleeping on the floor such was their urgent need. It did my head in that the kids were often put back into a house where they had been badly treated. Its very hard as most of these children are passed from pillar to post all the time.
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I knew of too many horror stories of Foster carers who had thier own children at home!! One boy I had was lovely but he soiled and smeared and he shared a room with the Foster Carers own son of similar age!! thats how I came to have him stay, we did not keep him at that time as I was looking after a very difficult teenage girl and she would have made his life hell, so, we just had him for respite, so he was placed somewhere else, I wonder what happened to him, bless him, he tried so hard and we would have loved to have given him the home he needed!!!!
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I must be a really bad person. I couldn't be doing with kids like that in my home. I'd just get angry with them. Good luck to anyone who does, but I'll bet some of them just need a good talking to.
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They are only children that have been through a lot and had a bad start, it can take time but its often very rewarding to see the change!!! A bit like animals, if you are too threatening you get what you give back, they do however test your patience and anyone who t hinks they cannot do it shouldn't!!!!! It will be a very long process and we may well not get through.....I did before and was not at all settled then AND I was on my own!!!
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We used to foster, too. At the time we had a large house that had previously been a Victorian school. Size was never an issue. Although we'd signed-up for older children we mostly looked after smaller ones. This was in Argyll.
We stopped when we moved here and simply don't have the room but would consider going back to it in the future.
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I have a friend who has fostered for 30 years and I don't remember her ever saying to me that the kids were this bad. John and I once thought of doing it, but we were told we would not get 'difficult' children. That was in Aberdeenshire so maybe there isn't the same problem up there. In the end we decided not to go ahead for various reasons.
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The agency we have joined (not too late to go to another) used to have this area for children from highlands etc, now, they have moved head office and take Children from Glasgow and we were told, there is a HUGE difference!!!!
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/boy-13-charged-murdering-foster-mother-153542886.html (ftp://http://uk.news.yahoo.com/boy-13-charged-murdering-foster-mother-153542886.html)
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Something that we were very concerned about was how appallingly bad some of the people supposedly running the cases were. Generally they weren't fully qualified social workers but 'social work assistants', who presumably are a lot cheaper to employ than the real McCoy.
Kids would arrive without paperwork, medication, all sorts. One lovely little lad we had for a while had to tell us himself that he had asthema (when he started feeling ill) and that he didn't have his inhaler with him. Luckily our local GP was only round the corner and prescribed some for him. Social work assistant hadn't a clue and seemed only interested in getting him back to his druggie mother and b/f as quickly as possible. We were later told he was taken off her again within days of being returned. ::)
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IMHO, Social Work wait too long to take kids out of dysfunctional homes. By the time they do, the children are damaged almost beyond repair. One of our psychologists at the Council said it was like a plant - if you forget to water it for a couple of days then give it water, it will recover. If you don't water it for a month, it will be dead, no matter how much water you give it later. She said that kids were like that and often by the time anyone intervenes, it's too late. Social Workers used to say that there was nowhere to put kids taken into care.
But isn't it a vicious circle - by the time the kids are fostered, they are so damaged that fitting into a "normal" family is almost impossible. If they were taken away quicker, more folk would be able to foster because the kids wouldn't be so damaged.
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Totaly agree Rosemary, when I worked in the family team, babies were kept with families as long as possible and services put in, some families had every min of the day covered with some one going in, play schemes etc etc., I saw families that were extreamly concerning, I went in as part of a service and one family I can think of had a whole lot of imediate family either in prison or on the sex offenders register, the father and mother were, put it this way, not people you would let feed your chickens ::) Yet, after loads of Social work input, multi agency input, collecting evidence etc etc after a court hearing, the family were kept together!!! All in the team I worked in though it was inevitable they would be removed and and old childrens home was got ready but the case was not strong enough and the family moved freqently. Those children at that time were wonderful, they lapped up any attention and would have thrived in Foster care!!!! I wonder if they are still living at home? Of course I cannot say anything about them but you all would be very shocked that they were left with thier parents, thier dad even frightened me and thats saying something!!! The court system is to keep children with families and thats when you get cases of such seriouse abuse and the childs death!!!!
So Sad!!!!!! I have so many stories I cannot share..........one family of 3 were removed from thier drug using parents and placed with gran parents, only to be swiftly removed when evidence came to light that the grandad had abused his daughter who had turned to drugs etc etc!!!!! ::)