[Kitchen Cottage]

My best friend (male) has an extreme weight problem.  He is around 28 stone and it disables him.  He's had several vertebrae fused, his knees give him extreme pain and he is on high dose painkillers all the time.  He can't walk 100 yards anymore, indeed I doubt he can do 50.  He owns a small joinery company and takes his van 150 yards to his workshop and his, vegan, partner does all the running around.

He never really admits his health issues are weight related and claims his doctor says he heart, cholesterol and blood pressure are perfect.  He constantly has small ailments and a lot of NHS money is spent on him.

He tries to lose weight and I bought him hypnotherapy sessions which seemed to help.  We go through the same dance though, for about 3 weeks he is motivated and then he drifts into joking and cheating and getting cross if you call him on it.

I am conscious that, just as he is adopting the same behaviour, so I am I... nagging.  His wife has given up on him and is quite angry that they don't enjoy the life she wants and that they used to have.  She would certainly prefer a less sedentary life.  Social life is almost totally restricted to eating out and drinking, he can't go on a plane and they go on holiday but just sit outside their caravan.

He is 53 and his wife is 60.  I am terribly afraid we will lose him and certainly I think the next stage for him will be a disability scooter.

How do I encourage him.  I know only he can lose weight.... but how can he be encouraged to stick to stuff. 

I'm no supermodel myself (size 18-20) but I'm addressing it and do a lot of exercise to get my fitness up.

[sabrina]

Lots of people who need to lose weight just can't face being on a diet. When your day depends on painkillers it is very hard to get motivated. I have found for myself what is best is not to talk about being on a diet but keep a daily diary of everything I eat. Some days I am very good and others when things are being hard I find myself eating all sorts. Crisps, chocolate etc all the things I know are bad for me. In other words I comfort eat. Here is the thing though, when I see it all written down I feel horrified and give myself a good telling off. I used to eat and throw up for years, no longer do this but I am aware I have a big problem when it comes to food. Your friend needs to face this before he will make any real changes to his life. For myself because I do all my food shopping on line I am less tempted to buy what I call the wicked stuff. We do have a few little treats now and again but my diet is a lot better. I walk a few miles each week but slowly. It all depends on my pain levels. Pushing someone to lose weight does not work, the person must want to do it.

[Bionic]

Buy a copy of Slimming World mag. They have a mans section and all of the men seem to have lost loads of weight. You could pretend it's for yourself and just leave it lying about.


In some areas the Dr can also 'prescribe' a 12 weeks SW course so what would he have to loose, except the weight of course.

[pharnorth]

I wish I knew. I wish you knew. I wish someone knew. It's an addiction and it's horrendous watching someone cause themselves and others real problems from an addiction.

[Anke]

I personally do find "well meaning" friends who give (un-asked for) advise on something really personal to me (like my health/weight, career or lack of it, choice of dress/clothes etc) very intruding and rude. Why can't people accept me for the person I am?

And what is this about - using lots of NHS money.... why do you want to make feel people less valuable and "using up more of the scarce resources than they are entitled to?"

TBH - someone else's body is no-one elses business but the person it belongs to!

Just my opinion though...

[Steph Hen]

Diet doctor website.

Of ALL the people I know, (dozens) all but a tiny handful have been on a conventional diet "eat less, move more" of one type or another, at one time or another (slimming world, cabbage soup, weight watchers, slim fast, even diet pills, they're all about the same). Plenty spend every January dieting and at the gym, others start again every month, or every Monday. Of ALL of these people, I can only think of one who has truly kept the weight off long term. Conventional dietary advice REALLY doesn't work that well. Your friend is doomed to fail.

Its a disorder. Telling an obese person to "just eat less!" is the same as telling an anorexic to "just eat more!" (For gods sake, it's food! How hard is it to JUST eat normally!?) Well given that about 1/3 of the country are overweight, unhappy about it and seem unable to lose weight or keep the weight off: Very.
 A slim person, knows it's fun to overeat cookies occasionally but has no idea about the feelings of powerlessness, guilt, cravings, etc.

The addiction is driven by something being a bit broken in the head (whether it's purely genetic, some sort of depression, boredom, hormonal imbalance, etc,) and sugar/carbohydrate. For many obese people, a sandwich or even a bowl of porridge or some strawberries is the equivilant to booze to an alcoholic. The only way to beat it is to cut it all out, not to reduce consumption a bit.

Provide the information from the above website to your friend and hope he has enough drive to do it. It's a huge commitment (how many of us got slim by using semi skimmed milk instead of full fat?) NONE, because a couple of substitutions isn't going to cut it. Talking and thinking about the future, planning for ten years time, thinking about how he wants to feel, what he'll be doing, etc.

The good news is that exercise has been shown NOT to be useful for weight loss. He should do it for all the other health benefits, but it doesn't actually help weight loss (complete bed rest is more efficient).

[Mays]

I agree totally with anke reply. Op, I'm sure the person knows exactly what his problems are, and you are stepping across a line by trying to get involved. An alcoholic, smoker or drug abuser has to choose to change, over eaters are addicted and trapped the same as any other addict. If you want to help, make him a healthy dinner. Invite him to eat together regular, provide tasty nutritious food, and let him make his own life choices.

[Lesley Silvester]

While I can see that you care about your friend and you want what's best for him, I do agree with Anke, Steph Hen and Mays. As a person who has struggled to lose weight for ages, through various diets, latterly Slimming World, my weight has always yo-yo'd. Now my rheumatologist tells me that most of my prescribed medicines from him will cause weight gain and that includes the pain killers.


As with any addiction, you have to want to stop  before you can. Whenever anyone has a go at me about dieting (are you listening, Mum?) I either feels so rubbish that I reach for something stodgy to make me feel better or think, I'll decide what I'm going to eat and reach for something stodgy just to show them, or think, they say I've got no will power so reach ..... you get the picture? Let him know you are his friend whatever size he is. Bite your tongue when you worry about his health. You may find it builds his confidence and he cuts down without thinking about it.

[SallyintNorth]

I have dieted very successfully - lost over 30kgs in 12 months - using the Harcombe diet.  Rule 1 is to not be hungry.  It turns conventional wisdom on its head, and because of Rule 1 it is much less scary to contemplate and much easier to stick to.   Buy your friend Zoe's book Stop Counting Calories and Start Losing Weight - and don't nag . One day, when and if he's ready, he might start.

My doctor wasn't able to offer anything other than surgery, saying that their guidance is that for anyone 30kgs or more overweight, surgery is the only way that works.  I didn't want surgery, so found a way that worked for me.  I think it's criminal that there wasn't any nutritional support available through my local surgery - unless I agreed to being butchered.      

All of which said, surgery is an option, of course, for someone who wants it.  Some people do put weight back on after surgery, and there are significant risks, but for some people it is a good choice.  That absolutely is a very personal choice, of course.

[paddy1200]

It's no good pussy footing around the issue. Encouragement does not help. You need to tell him straight that his ailments are almost certainly caused by his excess weight and if he carries on he will die. Yes his B.P. may be ok, and his cholesterol etc, but one day he is going to die from his obesity. Tell him so, also tell him how much it upsets you as a friend to see him eating his way to death. If he carries on then he doesn't care, all addicts make excuses for their condition and falsely believe that it's not going to kill them, that's the mindset you have to get around. It will not be easy, it never is, but he must be made to see how much it affects the people in his life. Only he can make the change.

[Fleecewife]

I've been dieting for over half a century    and I just get fatter.  It's affected my life badly.  It's not that I can't diet - I can do a ridiculous crash diet as well as anyone.  The effect on my body is to tell it that I'm suffering from a famine, so subconsciously my mind is telling me to eat.  When I do, my subconscious works to make sure I put back all that weight I've lost plus a little bit more, so I will be more prepared for the next famine by having a larger reserve.  This is an evolutionary, survival tactic which only doesn't work today because we have access to abundant high calorie foods.
You say you are also overweight KG but I promise you the fact that you are doing well with your weight control will just piss off your friend and have the opposite effect to encouraging him.  The fact that his wife is annoyed with him will also make it worse not better.  I really don't think a friend can ever persuade someone to diet, especially by saying 'look how well I'm doing.  If I can do it so can you'.  A slim person cannot have any idea of why a fat person cannot lose weight.  You really don't have to eat all the pies to be fat, you just need to eat a tiny bit more than you need every day.  I think the trick is to cut out something of about 100-200 calories a day, say crisps or a chocolate biscuit, and as long as something else doesn't sneak in under the radar, you will lose weight slowly but surely.
As many others have said, your friend has to make the decision to lose weight himself.  Once he does, if he does, just give him quiet praise as he looks better.  Otherwise you have to let him live his own life.  It does sound as if his illnesses, including excess weight, are causing depression, which is something else no-one other than the sufferer can understand.

[SallyintNorth]

It's no good pussy footing around the issue. Encouragement does not help. You need to tell him straight that his ailments are almost certainly caused by his excess weight and if he carries on he will die. Yes his B.P. may be ok, and his cholesterol etc, but one day he is going to die from his obesity. Tell him so, also tell him how much it upsets you as a friend to see him eating his way to death. If he carries on then he doesn't care, all addicts make excuses for their condition and falsely believe that it's not going to kill them, that's the mindset you have to get around. It will not be easy, it never is, but he must be made to see how much it affects the people in his life. Only he can make the change.

This is a high risk strategy.  As FW says, he is probably depressed.  Bullying won't work and could tip him into a worse state. 

The way the medical profession treats obese people is cruel, in my view.  They need help and neither it nor understanding are forthcoming.

[Kitchen Cottage]

Lots of good advice.... I will buy slimming world but as for books, my friend prides himself on NEVER having read a book.

Personally I do think deep down he is suffering from stress/depression but that may well be a combination of weight and/or having three HORRIBLE spoilt adults sons at home who constantly say both parents should die and make way for the next generation.... they were very spoilt as children and as adults their mother still spoils them (if put under pressure they threaten suicide - all very odd).

I KNOW he's got a lot on his plate but I really don't think he has any time left to pussy foot around.  The deterioration in his mobility in the last 5 years has been shocking. 

I can't stand back and say nothing (I never have but it's not done any good either so perhaps I should have kept quiet).  None of us would be surprised if he died in the night.

I think a LOT of his calories have, in the past, come from alcohol (though he tells me he has cut back).  They have a caravan and, if going away for a weekend will take 2 litres of spirits, 3 gallons of wine (he makes his own), a case of beer or two for 21/2 days... and get through it.    He told me he had quit this last year but, he told another friend that they've taken this for a weekend away this weekend, so he's telling me what I want to hear.  If he ate what he admits to, he'd be a size 10.  I worked out his BMR as around 3500 calories so he had to eat a lot NOT to lose weight.

He claimed amazing success with the hypnotherapy and portion control..... but it hasn't converted into weight loss.

I suspect there is nothing I can do

[ellied]

What makes him your best friend?  What do you like, appreciate or consider positive about him? 

Other than the fact he has a joinery business (and that only in the negative context of his driving 150 yards to get there) I know nothing about him whatever except that he is morbidly obese and has a very difficult family situation where frankly it appears that he is probably making them happier (subconsciously) by continuing to kill himself.  You say you nag and it seems to be unsuccessful plus makes you feel bad.  But you want him to know you care so you can't stop?

So don't stop, change your method of telling him you care.  Stop focusing on his weight and problems and appreciate some thing(s) consistently and openly instead.  Nag him with your appreciation not your fear.  Fill your relationship with what is good about it, things he does do, can do, wants to do.  Feed (yes verb chosen consciously) his self esteem, feed his enjoyment of day to day life.  Overeating for comfort or boredom is common, let him find other things to feed himself than food and it may not be too late.

Yes he has to decide for himself that life is worth living and want that enough to make changes.  But for that he needs something to live for, times to be happy enough to want more.  If his entire existence is full of criticism and neglect from others and from himself, then your best friendship gift is to create a little island of hope, not of being slim, not of losing fat, but of having a good enough to normal life, normal relationships/friendships, being accepted AS HE IS so that he can allow who he is to live and evolve through change.  Changing to please others never ever works, because they don't love you more, they either love you, really you, or they don't.

So, do you love him?  Right now?  Or is he just an embarrassment, a walking example of how your friendship isn't enough to change him, how your success doesn't lead to his, how he drains NHS resource and what people might think of you being friends with someone like him.  I would guess (without knowing him) that is how he sees himself, is it how you see him?  If not, find a way of showing him what you value, what you get from him being in your life, how he fills a place in the world that would be missed.  His family don't seem to be the people to do that, so maybe you, his best friend, maybe other friends if he has them, maybe you can. 

The most successful life change stories come from people who find a reason to live.  Find and feed, nurture, grow that and food won't be his only go-to to fill the void.  Ignore the method, help him find a dream and believe in his ability to work for it.  THEN ask how you can support his success, let him lead and walk beside him all the way.  You can't push or drag someone's life, only be with them.

[SallyintNorth]

Wonderful wise words from ellied