[The Idiot]

Odd as it might sound, back in late 2009 I hated all things horticultural. I saw the outdoors as something that I passed through betwixt home and the pub (or occasionally my place of work). After decades of avoiding gardening, I thought I could look forward to a life free from mud. In true form, that wasn't how things ended up!

In early 2010, something changed. I'm still not 100 per cent sure of what happened, but on a drunken whim I dug up my lawn and planted some beans and potatoes. My missus wasn't impressed, so I promised to learn all about gardening and do things properly. I didn't.

What followed was a lurching and staggering descent into the circle of hell that I like to call idiot gardening. With the passing of time I also expanded my environment of chaos to include an allotment. I adopted an approach based upon the thinking (with no real evidence or understanding of what I was doing) that none of this stuff could be difficult if vegetables just grew themselves. I also figured that if Titchmarsh could do it, anyone could.

Some of my halfwitted ideas worked; others didn't. Each defeat felt like a victory. This wasn't because I'd learned something, but because it meant I got to try out a different brand of stupidity the next time. I was, quite frankly, messing about in the mud but somehow ending up with stuff to eat. Maybe that gave me false confidence...

My exploits soon extended into idiot brewing and idiot charcuterie. Again, I tried to do these things properly but I just kept on having 'what if' moments. Most people think them, but due to some brain malfunction I do them!

Of course, that dug-up suburban Surrey lawn was just a gateway drug. The allotment gave me something more, but I was developing an itch for bigger things. I also started to dream of pigs, goats, geese, rabbits, orchards and the like.

I am currently in the process of purchasing (subject to contract) a rural retreat with just over 5 acres, and I'm having that sudden 'What have I done?' moment that accompanies so many episodes in my life.

I have no doubt that I shall come to rely on the collective wisdom here in no small measure, so expect stupid questions, misunderstanding of the answers and a slightly befuddled approach to all things smallholding.

Apologies in advance!

[devonlady]

Hello and welcome to the forum! I hope you stagger on successfully. Keep a diary, I sense a good book somewhere in this!!

[DavidandCollette]

  welcome. I can offer you lots of tips on how to get it wrong

[waterbuffalofarmer]

Hi and welcome to the forum from mid Wales. Keeping animals is one of the best things in life, it is a venture which is really exciting. If you need any advice about your animals talking to us, your local farmers and your vet would be of great help. If you dont mind me asking what animals are you intending to keep? What would you like to keep them for? I keep Italian water buffaloes for milking which goes into mozzarella production. When my family started farming in the late 90s it was difficult to get used to, but once you get used to it everyday becomes a joy. There is nothing better than going out every morning and seeing your animals. I wouldn't worry about asking questions as we all need to know stuff, I know I have asked a lot in the past, but its all about learning and we would be happy to help. All the best and keep us updated on how you get on.

[clydesdaleclopper]

Welcome to the forum    I look forward to hearing more of your experiments 

[SallyintNorth]

Welcome and I hope we see a *lot* more of you.  I could read a lot of what you write 

By the way, have you ever read 'Any Fool Can be a Pig Farmer'?  And/or are you related to James Robertson? 

[Fleecewife]

I love your approach to life    In our very first house in snobby suburbia, we dug up our front lawn shock horror and filled it with brassicas    We also painted a six foot 'Fat Freddies Cat' on the front door.    People loved us 
Now we have been living so happily on our smallholding for 20 years and we don't know how we could ever have borne the early years of suburban living.
Go for it and follow your instincts - and enjoy your harvests 

[The Idiot]

Thanks all for the supportive comments! We're just finalising a septic tank issue (I want it emptied before we complete, the vendor thinks I should inherit his droppings) and then we should exchange. I'm flipping between excited and terrified at present!!!

[Bionic]

I'm flipping between excited and terrified at present!!!

Yep, been there 

[nonnatus]

You obviously have a very saintly family!!  You mention a long-suffering wife, but are you dragging kids with you on this new life-path?

I'll be following with extreme interest, largely because we are also just waiting to complete (pencilled in for 28th October finally after waiting 11 months and suffering through two chain breakdowns) on our new life.  We are moving to 14 acres just West of Aberystwyth.  Current owners have done nothing to the 14 acres for over a decade so we will have our hands full.

Wishing you the very best of British (and Welsh!!) Luck xxxx

[Lesley Silvester]

  welcome to TAS forum. Where are you moving from and to?

[Womble]

Two things are clear:

1) You're completely bonkers
2) You already appear to know that

Go for it - there are few things as fascinating to muddle through with incompetently than a smallholding (guess how I know that!). I'd also recommend you buy copies of The Self-Sufficientish Bible, and Practical Self Sufficiency by Dick Strawbridge. There are more idiot ideas in those two than you could shake an ill-advised stick at.

Good luck!! 

[stufe35]

Everyday is a school day !

Regarding septic tanks,  I emptied ours when we moved in, 8 years later its never needed touching, I usually give it a stir in the summer to check its not getting too thick.  My sister now lives in my dads house where we all grew up...to my recollection the tank there has been emptied twice since 1978 when we bought it.

If they are working right they look after themselves.

If posted some of my machinery thoughts/ experiences for you in your 'equipment' question.

All the best, stu

[muddypuddle]

Welcome to the Forum, at least you have lots of enthusiasm and plenty of people to encourage you on here good luck!