Odd as it might sound, back in late 2009 I hated all things horticultural. I saw the outdoors as something that I passed through betwixt home and the pub (or occasionally my place of work). After decades of avoiding gardening, I thought I could look forward to a life free from mud. In true form, that wasn't how things ended up!
In early 2010, something changed. I'm still not 100 per cent sure of what happened, but on a drunken whim I dug up my lawn and planted some beans and potatoes. My missus wasn't impressed, so I promised to learn all about gardening and do things properly. I didn't.
What followed was a lurching and staggering descent into the circle of hell that I like to call idiot gardening. With the passing of time I also expanded my environment of chaos to include an allotment. I adopted an approach based upon the thinking (with no real evidence or understanding of what I was doing) that none of this stuff could be difficult if vegetables just grew themselves. I also figured that if Titchmarsh could do it, anyone could.
Some of my halfwitted ideas worked; others didn't. Each defeat felt like a victory. This wasn't because I'd learned something, but because it meant I got to try out a different brand of stupidity the next time. I was, quite frankly, messing about in the mud but somehow ending up with stuff to eat. Maybe that gave me false confidence...
My exploits soon extended into idiot brewing and idiot charcuterie. Again, I tried to do these things properly but I just kept on having 'what if' moments. Most people think them, but due to some brain malfunction I do them!
Of course, that dug-up suburban Surrey lawn was just a gateway drug. The allotment gave me something more, but I was developing an itch for bigger things. I also started to dream of pigs, goats, geese, rabbits, orchards and the like.
I am currently in the process of purchasing (subject to contract) a rural retreat with just over 5 acres, and I'm having that sudden 'What have I done?' moment that accompanies so many episodes in my life.
I have no doubt that I shall come to rely on the collective wisdom here in no small measure, so expect stupid questions, misunderstanding of the answers and a slightly befuddled approach to all things smallholding.
Apologies in advance!