[suziequeue]

My mother-in-law is terminally ill with bowel cancer and is being admitted from hospital to a hospice for terminal care tomorrow. She had been responding reasonably well to chemotherapy over the summer but it was always going to be palliative as she presented late in the day when the cancer had already spread.

My husband is very VERY attached to his Mum. He's the youngest of three by some ten years and has always been "the baby of the family". His mum continues to infantalise him and he doesn't complain. He lost his Dad three and a half years ago and that was bad enough. This will be catastrophic and I know he is going to sink into a depression.

Problem is - I'm only home at weekends and he'll be home alone and will have to continue to get up every day and see to the chickens and sheep and dogs etc. I'm worried that he's going to just take to his bed

I haven't lost any of my parents (I have three - Mum, step-mum and Dad) - all of whom are in rude health - so I have no experience of what he is going to be going through…… and I certainly don't have the same relationship with my mother(s) that he has with his.

Has anybody got any "top tips" on how I can be helpful to him emotionally? Otherwise I can see that I will just get impatient with him and that won't help.

[plumseverywhere]

So sorry to read this. I think its great that you are taking steps now to try and be there for him in a situation that you might find yourself 'out of your depth' in.
I worked in palliative care for a while and took one of the main nursing courses ... I think the main point I learnt from that was this, Everyone grieves differently, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There are several stages (well documented online - Elisabeth Kubler-Ross) and people often go through these in no particular order.
He may feel he needs to talk, he might decide he'd rather not.  In some ways, it is kinder for people to suffer the loss of a close loved one when they have had warning, chance to say goodbye, to finish unclosed business rather than sudden deaths. perhaps encourage this now as gently as you can.
If you fear he might take to his bed and the animals will be needing care, is there someone local who can pop in?
Also look into local CRUSE bereavement services, talk to Macmillan nurses etc etc as there is follow up care available for bereft relatives.

lots of love to you both
Lisa xx 

[Louise Gaunt]

I am sorry to hear about your mother in law. Can your husband tall to his older siblings? They are all going through this together, and sometimes times like this bring families together. I agree with Lisa, help from Macmillan for support would be useful.

[moony]

I lost my dad to lung cancer a couple of years ago when I was 31. I have to say the initial diagnosis broke me, especially as he had never smoked. Watching him struggle through the latter stages where he became all but fully paralised, having to be hoisted from pillar to post and on oxygen was awful. He was given 6 months and lasted nearly 2 years, mostly due to the inspiration his first grand daughters arrival gave him. I cared for him right to the end so he could be at home and it really took its toll on me mentally but its something I wanted to do. In all honesty the death was a relief in some ways as he was in so much pain. The hardest thing after that was helping my mother sort out all his affairs, although he had done a lot before he died. Some of the people you have to deal with are so inconsiderate its beyond belief. I have good days and bad days but not a day goes by without me missing him. My sister was a great help and those that had cared for him at the hospice in his stay, along with his home carers were always around if needed. Everyone reacts differently. All you can do is be there when he needs you and give him space when he doesn't. Accept he will have good days, bad days, lazy days and angry days but he will get over it. One thing I did also find out is who some of my real friends and his real friends were.

[Marches Farmer]

I think mothers and sons can sometimes have a very special bond, of a sort mothers and daughters rarely, if ever, do.  I also think that death can be easier to accept, sometimes, than someone choosing to leave you, through divorce, for instance.  Depression can be helped by your GP, a new, worthwhile project can sometimes move focus away from the loss, even if for a short while.  Phoning or doing small, thoughtful things can let a person know you're thinking about them and the terrible burden they're carrying.

[Lesley Silvester]

suziequeue, I'm so sorry that you are having to face this but what a loving wife you are to be getting ready to support your husband through what is clearly going to be a devastating loss. My husband, too, was devoted to his mother and she was quite open about the fact that he was her favourite (unfair, I know, but that's how it was). When she was clearly getting to the end of her life, I was worried about how he would cope. He had already had one bout of depression since we'd been married. Amazingly, he just got on with life, doing what he had to do. I never saw him cry but he says he just doesn't cry at anything. He did want to talk about her a lot so we did. She died a few weeks before her 83rd birthday so we went out on the day and bought a rose bush which we planted in the garden in her memory. It's moved house with us and is always referred to as Mum's rose.


Again, when my dad, who I totally adored, died aged 55, I felt bereft and totally numb but I had a three month old daughter who needed looking after so I got on with it.


Your husband may do the same. A lot of people find that doing things helps them to cope. I do agree with Lisa that it would be a good idea to see if there is someone locally who could keep an eye on things to make sure the animals are cared if just in case he doesn't cope.


Cruse are very good and you will probably find the hospice will be helpful. My mother had a lot fo support from the hospice where my step father died.


How is your MIL coping with knowing she hasn't got long? We talked to my MIL before she died about what she wanted in the way of a funeral when the time came. She had very definite views and it helped my husband to know that what we organised was exactly what she would have wanted. He also had the opportunity to say goodbye which is very important.


I'm sure, whichever way he takes it, he will appreciate knowing that you are there supporting him even if he doesn't show it at the time.

[mojocafa]

 

[doganjo]

I can only tell you what happened when my first husband died suddenly in a car crash - he saved my life by driving away from the oncoming vehicle onto the grass verge.

What our then minister said to me the day I got home from hospital stayed with me and helped prevent me going into the depths of despair when my Mum died slowly of lunch cancer,and my second husband died in a  climbing accident.

Matthew sat at one end of our settee while I was in floods of tears at the other end.  He waited for a lull in my sobbing, then said 'Annie, look down there' and pointed to the floor.  I looked down and he said 'that is a deep, green, slimy pit, you are sliding down into it, there are grimy hands reaching up for you - here is my hand if you need help stopping you slide down.'   He held his hand out, after a second or so analysing what he meant I reached forward, grabbed his hand, and fell into his arms, still sobbing.  I never looked back.  What I didn't know at the time was that May, his own wife, had just been told she had terminal lung cancer, and had three weeks to live.  She died three days after Sandy's funeral.
I remember what Matthew said whenever I feel sad and depressed at losing three of the most influential people in my life, and although it seems a depressing thought - all those horrid green slimy devils - it does help me right myself.

Your husband is very lucky to have such a loving wife, and i send you all my best wishes to help him get through it.

[Old Shep]

 


After losing my mother and brother within 3 years I can only say that each passing just before lambing was a strange blessing.  Having challenges in front of you that you can't ignore makes you get out of bed and "man up" to make sure all is alright.  Hope your husband reacts the same.    to everyone not least your mil. xx

[Mammyshaz]

  
Don't know what to say, just be there for OH and we will be here for you 

[devonlady]

 

[Rosemary]

No advice. just 

[Bionic]

This is such sad reading, not only yours Suziqueue but all of the other stories too. I can't offer any advice but others seem to have done a good job with suggestions.
I think its fantastic that you are thinking ahead yourself and trying to prepare both of you for the inevitable. Wishing you both best wishes for when the time comes. 

[suziequeue]

Dear All


Thankyou so much for your kind words and good advice. I will check locally and see what we have here in terms of bereavement help. The big take home message for me is to take each day as it comes and understand that the emotional course of things won't necessarily be that consistent.


I feel very supported. Thankyou 

[benandjerry]

Big hugs