Author Topic: just need to grumble .....apologies (Read 3269 times)

hafod · « **on:** July 28, 2014, 08:59:54 am »

Yesterday we went along to family birthday bbq for OH's Nan. As soon as we arrived I had OH's cousin's 4 week old baby deposited in my lap with lots of blatant so when are you going to have a baby type comments. Now this is nothing new, OH and I have been together for 11 years and I would say that the hints (and obvious comments) started when we had been together about 6months. However yesterday I felt it went to a new level. Twice I was told (by different members of the family) how we were disappointing OH's parents by not producing children and didn't I know how happy I'd make them if we had children.

I'm 31 (as is OH) I'd like children one day I think but I don't think I'm ready for them now. I realise there is no 'right' or ideal time to have children. We are super busy gearing up the small holding to provide an income for at least one of us, income is looking shakey for the next 12 months and the priority has to be paying the mortgage so not ideal to bring a small person into the mix. But we are doing all this so we can have a better life with plenty of time to start a family if we choose to in the future.

I guess it's made me angry that they feel they have a right to make these comments and try and make me feel guilty. As for disappointing OH's parents - OH has achieved so much can't they just be happy that he is happy? Grrrrr!

If we couldn't have kids (I don't know as we have never tried) and we had decided not to tell the family, how hurtful would these comments have been then? Some people just don't think before they speak.
Grrrr!

OH is annoyed too but seems to be able to let things wash over him more than I can. I don't want to grumble at him too much as they are his family.

Feeling quite tearful writing this (I'm the kind that gets overly emotional when angry). Deep breaths and back to work I think ......

Bionic · « **Reply #1 on:** July 28, 2014, 09:27:51 am »

I know its frustrating but I shouldn't worry too much. It just sounds like typical family stuff to me.
My mum never blatantly asked outright but was always saying things like 'my friend said its sooo nice to be a grandma'.
I never wanted children but got let off the hook a bit when my sister had hers.
Don't worry about what they say. The trend these days seems to be for older mothers, something that wasn't the case when they had you and might be difficult for them to understand. When the time is right for you both (assuming you are able) go for it.

doganjo · « **Reply #2 on:** July 28, 2014, 09:37:30 am »

I agree that they were bang out of line, but you should tell them, not bottle it up!

When they hint like that, use a polite but pointed stock phrase like 'Peter and I will decide when the time is right for us to start a family and we will let you know when that happens'

However, from experience, might I just add that i have known people wait until they felt they were financially secure then be disappointed in not being able to have children; and others (including myself and my late husband) who waited till we had both finished our exams, then tried and had our two children in two years. We never regretted it and our family and friends gave us so many gifts that we had little to buy. And my kids have given me the strength to get through the deaths of both their Dad, and Stepdad.

What we did regret was our far too long engagement (3 years) but as I said exams were the reason. In hindsight we'd have been better getting married and studying together.

ladyK · « **Reply #3 on:** July 28, 2014, 10:47:58 am »

Sorry these comments got to you.

It can feel quite insulting and intrusive (not to mention patronising) - I don't have kids and get put on the spot by relatives sometimes too.
My advice would be to try not to take it personally - their expectations are defined by their generation etc so perhaps understandable, but that doesn't mean you have a duty to fulfil them!
Having a 'stock reply' up your sleeve for such situations is a great suggestion, it will help appearing calm and pointed when feeling angry and emotional inside.

ellied · « **Reply #4 on:** July 28, 2014, 11:02:04 am »

My take on it is that you have two choices when these things happen - say nothing and say something. Say nothing and nobody will realise they're hurting you so it will continue because they probably mean well so don't think of the effect it's having.

Say something and you again have two choices, hurl it back as it is, straight, to the point and walk away, or prepare something that is more skilfully worded but actually does tell people you aren't enjoying the 'joke' and want their goodwill expressed in different ways.

The former would hurt them as they've hurt you, but as you say, not help the family dynamic overall. And if you say nothing until you can't bear it any more then this is what you'll do, explode in anger one day. So if you do care, you have to find a way to tell people that will get your point across without offending but effectively asking for the pressure to be taken off before you say something you might regret as no doubt they will regret having upset you all this time whenever they actually find out that it does.

It's amazing what habits folk get into without realising the effect, nicknames, family 'jokes' and stories that nobody dreams is anything other than what it is intended to be, yet the 'clever one' tag haunts both the nominated one with pressure and the others with feelings that they're considered stupid, the 'pretty one' feels like a bimbo not appreciated for her thinking and the rest feel ugly by comparison, second rate-ism is rife in family situations and that's without who has babies first or is best daughter in law or later additions to the childhood established stuff!

Speak carefully, but speak, or nothing can change. Maybe individually rather than to the whole lot, make it personal, ask for their support and understanding of the choices you're making and maybe even mention how awful it would feel if you came to the point of trying and didn't conceive straight away.. Sometimes a future scenario works because the other person can hold the belief that they haven't done anything quite that badly wrong yet but can think through and adapt in case it does and actually improve the past/current behaviour as a result. Or they might imagine you're telling them you have been trying and daren't admit it, but it should still get the comments toned down or stopped!

Fowgill Farm · « **Reply #5 on:** July 28, 2014, 11:04:09 am »

OMG
How i feel for you, i have been through the same type of thing for the past nearly 30yrs, OH's mother was particularly awful, in the end i took her to one side and whispered confidentially in her ear that the reason we didn't have any children was because one of us was unable, i didn't infer who but left it to her imagination! and she must have spread the word to the rest of the family because we got no more grief from then on. We just never wanted children, they didn't fit in with our life plan and everybody in our circle of friends who had kids had got divorced. I still get the odd look of pity, its surfaced again as my niece gave birth to a baby boy in the last couple of weeks, he's lovely and i'll spoil him rotten just like i do my niece. We have loads of god-children and are happy with that role.
Don't be pushed, only have kids when its right for you and yours they're the biggest committment you'll ever make in your life and you both have to be ready.
all the best
Mandy

fiestyredhead331 · « **Reply #6 on:** July 28, 2014, 11:22:45 am »

that's awful, what a nerve telling you you are disappointing the in-laws by not having children

maybe you should wear one of these at the next 'family' gathering

hafod · « **Reply #7 on:** July 28, 2014, 12:32:33 pm »

Thank you for the words of advice. You have got me down to a tee. I know I take things too personally and bottle things up, then am likely to go up like a bottle of pop. I have had proper 'red mist' moments in the past so I guess I try and bite my tongue when upset to avoid embarrassing anyone although I admit it's not a great coping strategy.
Next time I will go armed with a ready response/strategy for what to do but I do like the t-shirt suggestion!
It's ironic, isn't it, that family who are supposed to care for you and support you can be so hurtful (seemingly without realising it)!

Lesley Silvester · « **Reply #8 on:** July 28, 2014, 10:46:43 pm »

If you see on another post, my mother kept on at me that she thought she would "never be a grandmother." At the time I was around 22 and she is 20 years older than me. I was also desperate to get married and have children but it hadn't happened. She still makes comments about me having been and 'older mother' when I was actually a mother at 25. I think older people don't always realise that women don't tend to have their babies so young these days. In my mother's day, you left school and got a job until you got married and had children. Ironically, she also tells me that she got married far too young (19) and wishes she'd waited before going into marriage and motherhood. That makes me feel great, I can tell you.

Good ideas above. Have a word with someone and say that you are being very hurt by these comments. And it is NOT your duty to provide either set of parents with grandchildren.